Au pair not leaving house

[Sandro09]

Hi I'm hoping someone can help me please,have had au pairs last few years always works fine but new au pair is here since august she's a very nice person initially she went out and about but now she never leaves the house I mean 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's starting to get on my nerves she stays in her room only coming out for food and dinner time I've noticed in the morning she uses about half a loaf of bread and empties half the fruit bowl its like she stocks up for her room for the day,I have one son he's 10 and plays with his friends most days she gets a lot of free time of like 3-4 days a week and we're only 10 minutes by bus to the city centre there's lots to do even in our neighbourhood and lots of au pairs living around,I feel bad that it's annoying me but our house is a 4 bed semi detached and I'd love if she'd just go for a while out of the house its claustrophobic there's loads of English classes on in the city I don't know,anybody have any advice please

I love getting out and about with friends. But just mooching about by yourself like this frequently soon gets lonely and boring.

@brasty yes agree, but I was kinda assuming the AP liked her own company since she isn't going out with friends anyway

I love the way people who hate the idea of having an au pair - or anybody other than themselves looking after their precious children - jump on these threads and accuse those of us with au pairs of under-paying/treating them like sh&t/trying to just get childcare on the cheap.
In actual fact I've had an amazing time with au pairs who still come back and visit. And then the odd ones who never go out or seem interested in fun!

If she is doing her job properly then you should leave her be. Maybe she enjoys her own company?

I don't understand the problem. Au pairs are on low wages (not a dig at people employing them, as the au pair knows the wage when they come), and most of us, if we got £100 a week, wouldn't want to spend all of it on going out. As well as things like clothes, phone and going out, she might well want to save some of that money. If I only had £100 a week, I wouldn't be going out much either. Also, some people get tired after work. I often can't be bothered to go out after a day at work and feel drained so want to stay in and recharge my batteries, so why should an au pair be any different?? Some people enjoy reading, gaming, going online etc.

If you don't want someone in your home, then use a childminder or live in nanny. Although if she's in her room all the time, I'm not sure why you feel so claustrophobic, as she isn't in your hair.

I remember being a lodger before I bought my own place. A couple of landladies hated me being in the house during the day as they felt I cramped their style. It was the spur I needed to buy my own place.

Obviously not an option for a young au pair. Some concern about a young person in a new country wouldn't go amiss.

Anyway what do you need an au pair for if you're free to stay at home spying on her 24/7?

Perhaps the Op has health issues.

Do you always let your jealousy of other peoples homes and them appearing to be free to stay at home rob you of common sense?

@splendidisolation

Anyway what do you need an au pair for if you're free to stay at home spying on her 24/7?

This ^

@Sandro09

I can't fathom why you need an Au Pair either if you are at home all the time. As someone said, what is she doing for you? And why can you not do it if you're home so often? And why does a 10 year old need an Au Pair?

As some people have said on here, YOU employed her, and your home is HER home. She has every right to be in that house as much as she wants. And if she is in her room all the time, why is she bothering you?

I ask again, what is she doing? Your child will beat school probably 8.30am til 3.30pm, and he apparently plays with his mates for the rest of the time, so he doesn't need childcare. And in addition to you being there all the time, I am baffled as to why she is even there.

Re @mittens post above. Makes me wonder why people choose to have people in their house, (like people who take in lodgers and happily take their board money, and people who hire Au Pairs to do their grunt work and drudgery for them for minimum pay,) and then kick off and whine about their lack of 'privacy' when they are there.

Wonder if the OP is going to come back?

OP ignore the au pair bashers, they always come out on any related post. I have had 4 au pairs. Mostly successful. I had one who was quite shy back then, and as we are quite remote I spent some time with her encouraging her to explore where we are and look for clubs etc. In the end I saw a barmaid position in our local pub and she picked up a couple of shifts a week, made local friends, became far more confident. Could you suggest something like that? help her find something?

Otherwise find some local au pair facebook groups and point her in that direction?

My new au pair doesn't go out in the week but that's fine as she goes up to her boyfriend's in London all weekend and has her fun there. She says she's really happy with that although I do still point her in the direction of local events if I happen upon something i think she might be interested in.

But do talk to her and check there's nothing underlying.

Also to PPs above, an au pair isn't paid a "wage". They get board and lodgings and a cultural exchange plus pocket money in return for childcare and light housework. So calling it a low wage is hugely misrepresenting the situation. When done properly its a fantastic win win for everyone, including the children who get a big sister/brother for a year or two and expand their cultural understanding!

I can't fathom why you need an Au Pair either if you are at home all the time. As someone said, what is she doing for you? And why can you not do it if you're home so often? And why does a 10 year old need an Au Pair? confused

Maybe the OP isn't in good health. Maybe she cares for elderly parents in her home so the AP is an extra pair of hands needed to pick up the slack in the house. Maybe the OP works from home. Maybe the 10 year old has an element of SN. Plus a whole lot more other reasons.

Why would you post and advertise your lack of foresight and common sense?

@FiveBoys

Maybe the OP isn't in good health. Maybe she cares for elderly parents in her home so the AP is an extra pair of hands needed to pick up the slack in the house. Maybe the OP works from home. Maybe the 10 year old has an element of SN. Plus a whole lot more other reasons.

Yeah that's not the reason. The OP would have said. And nothing in the posts said her son is SN. No-one would employ an Au Pair for a son with SN. No joined up thinking there my dear! You need to try harder than that.

Although, I fully expect her the OP come and drip feed any minute now, and add in loads of reasons why she is at home a lot.

Erm, does she not take your son out to the park etc? You can always ask her too. It sounds very unhealthy for her and not very normal for you and also for her.
Also are you paying her enough so she can go out?
I sincerely hope you ARE paying her... My Mum had to rescue an au pair once from virtual slavery, she came to live with us.

Although, I fully expect her the OP come and drip feed any minute now, and add in loads of reasons why she is at home a lot.

Perhaps the Op didnt feel the need to explain her life away because she didn't know her thread would be policed by green eyed harridans.

Tippz what an incredibly stupid postof course people with SN kids have had au pairs, I certainly know a fair few families who have. And just because the OP hasn't mentioned reasons why she might want an AP doesn't mean she doesn't have good reasons. And if she just wants an AP there so that she can sit about all day reading mags and drinking coffee well then that's her business too, she certainly doesn't have to justify it to anyone on here.

Wow OP fancy you daring to want to' swan ' around your own house! And have an actual opinion about this young person in your home, who never goes out of her room. Fancy you daring to employ her and have like, err actual opinions. The usual knee jerk judgey thing going on here.

But It doesn't sound very healthy at all. I wouldn't want my daughter to be doing that.

Bet it's a combination of saving money, shyness/introversion and loneliness. I hope she's not depressed. it sounds like she might be. It's easy to fill your day with screens. Let's face it.

If she's going to get out more she needs your help and encouragement. More money. More planned activity. ( English lessons? ) Doesn't sound like it will change on its own.

People often say having an au pair can be like having another ( older) child.

@ Tippz And why does a 10 year old need an Au Pair?

Lots and lots of reasons Tippz. I can't even be bothered.

AP might not like her own company, but simply be lonely.

The only concerning thing about the situation, in my opinion, is if the au pair is staying in her room for the wrong reasons - loneliness, lack of confidence in a new setting (including speaking the language) or depression. If she is choosing to stay in for positive reasons - because her hobbies and interests are home-based (reading, gaming, texting friends at home etc), then she should be left in peace to enjoy her spare time as she chooses, without any pressure being put on her to go out.

I think there is an obligation on the OP to try to find out whether the reason for staying in is positive or negative and then take it from there. If the au pair is lonely or lacking in confidence, then talking to her more, offering to take her places, suggesting language classes (and paying for them) is the way forward. An au pair is meant, to a certain extent, to be a member of the family, and people using an au pair should be actively trying to forge a positive relationship with them, empathising with any problems they are experiencing and helping to solve them. If, during the course of conversations with the au pair, it emerges that the she is quite happy and staying in as a positive choice, then she should be left alone to enjoy her room and leisure time as she wishes.

I would have an Au-pair for my almost ten year old if I could! She needs feeding...as being ten, she's not much of a cook. She also needs to be taken to school and delivered to her gymnastics classes...generally entertained when she's not drawing. She likes long walks.

Why would a ten year old NOT need an Au-pair if both parents worked?

I wonder if OP's coming back?

My concern would be that she initially DID go out and about, but now never does. I'd be concerned that something has happened to her.

OP needs to speak to her to get to the bottom of it.

Well clearly the OP doesnt work or she wouldnt be on hand to notice her au pair is home all the time.

Clearly she doesnt have health issues although she'll probably be back on any minute and mention "back pain".

Its just another case of upper middle.class stay at home mummy wanting to hire cheap young foreign labour to mother thei children for them so they can have coffee with "the girls" and have the fucking gall to come on here and say that they are sitting in their room too much (should tell you all you need to know that the au pair stays in her room rather than feeling comfortable enough to hamg around in the kitchen or whatever).

Part of the reason you get an au pair for fucking peanuts is because your home is supposed to be their home.

And if the au pair was on here posting about needing help with homesickness or anxiety you bunch of hypocrites would be like "oh sweetheart, be kind to yourself "

Far from being annoyed, my first thought because she initially went out and now doesn't, is that she'd been assaulted.

Perhaps you could talk to her?

This is one of the most ridiculous threads I have ever read!

What utter sh*te splendid. Are you a troll?

@spiney No. Are you?