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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my choice when I start maternity leave?

159 replies

MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 18:09

I'm nearly 25 weeks pregnant with DC1 and need to let my employer know when I intend to start my maternity leave.

I've had a little look at dates myself and by using two weeks of annual leave, I can finish work at 33+5 but technically begin my mat leave/pay a few weeks later at 36+1.

I work 40 hours in a pre-school, so it's not a desk job. Whilst it's not mentally taxing, it is physically demanding/draining and you need to be 'on it' all the time.

My husband thinks I should keep going until later on in the pregnancy 'because I had a colleague who kept going until the end' Hmm. When I tell him it's my choice, he says it's not and that because it affects our finances (I'm only entitled to SMP) he gets a say too.

In order not to drip feed, we're not struggling financially and he earns significantly more than I do. All money has always been shared (one joint account, no separate accounts). I intend to take 39 weeks off and return to work PT. I don't really enjoy my job and I think my husband thinks I just want to get 'away' asap. Pregnancy so far as been straight-forward, but as I head towards third trimester I can already feel myself slowing down and know it's not going to improve until baby is here!

AIBU to insist it is my choice? Is 33+5 in a physically demanding job really too early?

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 27/09/2017 21:16

I'm leaving at 33 weeks. My decision alone.
I was huge and uncomfortable last time and as an asthmatic I really struggled when massive baby was squishing my lungs and ribcage.

I won't be bored. Will just enjoy some peace before the chaos of xmas and a new baby.

Not sure why a couple of weeks early will make such a huge financial difference anyway. As others have said, it's 39 weeks from whenever it starts. Also, if going back part time your finances will be lower even when you return.

One of those men who start to see their partner/wife as a drain who isn't working and spending HIS money? Knob.

Cellardoor23 · 27/09/2017 21:25

YANBU. I work in an active job and a couple of my colleagues went on maternity leave about a month or two before. I personally worked until the week before I was due -my DS was still two weeks late-, but it just depends what you can manage. Neither are right or wrong. It's your choice.

CardsforKittens · 27/09/2017 21:31

I was intending to work up to 38 weeks but I went into labour at 35+5, so I worked right up to the last minute as it turned out, which was fine by me. I felt I wanted as much time as possible after the birth, but I understand why people might want to finish earlier.

As for husbands and partners thinking they have any say in this, I'm in the 'no uterus, no opinion' camp.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/09/2017 21:35

We're not struggling financially

Based on that, I'm struggling to understand your husband's attitude to your decision.

Cellardoor23 · 27/09/2017 21:36

Just to add. I didn't work 40+ hours a week. I reduced my hours to about 25 hours when I was about 6 months pregnant. No way I would have been able to work as many hours. Is that an option?

Musereader · 27/09/2017 21:40

I was going to go to 39+5 as my job is a call center and all i do in answer the phone and talk all day, but i ended up going home due to braxton-hicks at 38+4 and had the baby 4 days later. I always said it was because i wanted more time with the baby and less time on my own, but that was me with an easy problem free pregnancy and totally stress free job. My ex did try to badger me into leaving earlier but it was my choice and i knew what i could cope with.

Appuskidu · 27/09/2017 21:40

You'd husband is being an unsupportive git!

I have a similarly physical job and left at 31 weeks, 32 weeks and 33 weeks with mine-I was totally knackered by this point-going much further would have finished me off!

KarmaNoMore · 27/09/2017 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainyDayBear · 27/09/2017 21:44

YANBU - at the risk of sounding negative pregnancy just gets harder towards the end. I worked until 35 weeks with my first, and that was bloody tough going. I'm finishing at 32 weeks this time round (but officially at 34 after the Christmas holidays) and think that with a toddler to boot it'll be about right!

I would be unimpressed if DP tried to convince me to work longer!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/09/2017 21:48

God he's an absolute dick isn't he? He must be an absolutely dreadful doctor, complete lack of empathy.

I left work at 30 weeks, mainly because of my hellish commute. I was the main earner, money was tight. My DH was absolutely nothing but supportive. I had 10 lovely, never to be repeated weeks of pottering around and nesting.

Please show your husband this thread. He's probably too arrogant to concede he is wrong but you never know. And if you're struggling on a GP's salary, I suggest you investigate whether he has some sort of drug or gambling problem.

gingerh4ir · 27/09/2017 21:48

he sounds awful - esp considering he is a GP.

And with his job, I guess finances are anything but tight. Why is he so worried about losing a few £££ in these circumstances. utterly baffling...

is he an arse in other ways as well?

AgentCooper · 27/09/2017 22:08

Seriously, do what feels right. I have a desk job that I enjoy, and was going to work up until 37+3. That was supposed to be Friday this week and tbh I wished I was stopping sooner as I was exhausted. And then last week I found out I have obstetric cholestasis and am being induced tomorrow so had my handover on Monday. You finish whenever you see fit and don't let anyone try to influence you.

JimLahey · 27/09/2017 22:11

Yanbu op I thought I could keep going until the end cos my boss told me her friend did that and practically guilt tripped me into staying in a demanding job...
My waters broke at 33 + 4 I had my DS at 34 weeks! Do what's right for you.

Horsemad · 27/09/2017 22:17

Good God, leave when you want, you're the one whose body is working hard through pregnancy.

Also, you won't get the same chance to rest with subsequent pregnancies if you have them, so make the most of this time.

Original poster
MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 22:43

Thanks again for your comments everyone.

I've taken on board about what many have advised about remembering baby could very well be late, meaning I'll have an extra two weeks of waiting! The due date tends to get fixed in your mind, doesn't it and you forget that day isn't the be all and end all!

He's cross at me about posting a thread inviting other people's opinions as he thinks replies will be 'biased'.

I also agree with those who have pointed out that if I'm signed off later in preg, mat leave will automstically be triggered, which kind of defeats the point of working as long as poss for the money.

We have no debt, but a reasonable mortgage (£800) and have been doing a lot of DIY over the past few years which does drain finances a little. We're pretty sensible with money and have savings but I'll suggest looking at ways we can cut back too, so thanks to PPs who suggested that.

I think we'll be down about £400/month when I'm getting SMP rather than a full salary.

I've just tried telling him again how upsetting it was about the cash cow comment but he won't apologise and just says he's upset I posted. He doesn't seem to be considering this very holistically. To me, my wellbeing and mental health are really important (I had a patch of deoression earlier this year) so I'm really aware of making sure that stays steady before such a big change.

I've had concerns about controlling behaviour before. Just in terms of things are usually 'his way' and sometimes my opinions aren't listened to. I'm also concerned he won't pull his weight when baby is here and have tried to discuss this but not really got anywhere.

Should I talk to my MW about this or will I get some kind of black mark against my name?

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/09/2017 22:54

He's cross at me about posting a thread inviting other people's opinions as he thinks replies will be 'biased'

Let's hear his views then. I'm sure we'll change our minds...

I've had concerns about controlling behaviour before. Just in terms of things are usually 'his way' and sometimes my opinions aren't listened to. I'm also concerned he won't pull his weight when baby is here and have tried to discuss this but not really got anywhere.

Do you have family support? Sounds like you may need it.

Should I talk to my MW about this or will I get some kind of black mark against my name?

Yes you should and no you won't.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/09/2017 22:55

Your dh is welcome to start his own thread on this subject if he thinks your thread is biased?

You should mention your previous depression to your midwife if you're concerned it could return. It won't be a black mark against you. You will just be prepared to look out for the signs- there's no guarantee it will return at all.

Good on you for forcing your dh to discuss this and trying to make yourself heard.
Biting your tongue and going along with his decisions all the time will breed unhappiness and resentment.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy Smile

Original poster
MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 23:07

I have nearby family support which will be helpful.

Thanks to those who suggested shortening final weeks at work using annual leave. You reminded me a colleague had suggested doing just that as she said she found it really helpful with tiredness.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 27/09/2017 23:11

him saying he was mad because it seemed like I was making the decision based on how I felt, rather than how it was going to impact on our finances

I find it staggering that a GP would find any issue with you picking your ML start date based on how you feel. How you feel is EXACTLY how you should pick the date!

Going by your last post I don't think ML is going to be your biggest fight. Do you have your own bank account? Easy access to joint accounts?

Talk to your MW, and if you have family support around you then make sure you reach out to them. Good luck.

Namebot · 27/09/2017 23:11

Of course the replies are "biased" - if biased means based on the actual lived experiences of human women who have had babies.

He sounds awful. Tell your midwife about your mental health and that your husband is at best clueless - though I fear he is controlling and a whole ton of shit is about to hit the fan.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2017 23:14

'When you say that' what I hear is: your mental health and wellbeing is not important to me'. And repeat when he says things like that until he acknowledges.
You know of course that you can book your mat leave starting any time. You don't need his permission. Part of ensuring you aren't being controlled is being able to just make up your mind - not rely on persuading him to agree.

Ellie56 · 27/09/2017 23:15

Scary to think this arse hole is a GP... Shock

Usernamegone · 27/09/2017 23:38

I would suggest you speak to your midwife but also you GP. I expect your midwife will be very concerned that your unsupportive partner may be having a detrimental impact on your mental health!

FWIW I'm planning on going off at 35+4. Starting mat leave officially at 40 weeks but only getting maternity allowance so using holiday between 35+4 and 40+0. I do a stressful/responsible desk job with some travel and I am the main breadwinner.

There is a reason that women can go on mat leave from 26w!!!!

ijustwannadance · 27/09/2017 23:50

If he was so arsed about having to support you financially, why have a child? I mean, what the fuck did he think would happen?

NotTheCoolMum · 28/09/2017 00:12

OP he sounds like a dick head. How exhausting to have to argue for sanity with the one person who should be your biggest supporter, on top of the gruelling business of, y'know, actually CREATING A WHOLE NEW PERSON INSIDE YOUR OWN BODY. Wanker.

Has he looked at the cost of childcare? Financially things are going to get worse before they get better! Why even have a child if you're not prepared to make sacrifices - both of you - not just the female who, due to biology, is the one who has to endure the physical burdens and risks. Does he not realise that having a child is expensive? There's a thread going at the moment on the cost of raising a child.

Meanness on any level gives me the rage and to be honest this sort of approach to "my money", insisting the woman "pay her way" and not having a shared pot of purely family money is a huge red flag to me, for the beginnings of financial abuse. I appreciate everyone does finance differently as a couple but honestly, there are so many threads on MN where it starts with something seemingly innocent and then becomes clear that the woman is being financially abused. Abuse doesn't just happen in low income situations, it happens in high income situations too and is just as shocking.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP Flowers