Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my choice when I start maternity leave?

159 replies

MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 18:09

I'm nearly 25 weeks pregnant with DC1 and need to let my employer know when I intend to start my maternity leave.

I've had a little look at dates myself and by using two weeks of annual leave, I can finish work at 33+5 but technically begin my mat leave/pay a few weeks later at 36+1.

I work 40 hours in a pre-school, so it's not a desk job. Whilst it's not mentally taxing, it is physically demanding/draining and you need to be 'on it' all the time.

My husband thinks I should keep going until later on in the pregnancy 'because I had a colleague who kept going until the end' Hmm. When I tell him it's my choice, he says it's not and that because it affects our finances (I'm only entitled to SMP) he gets a say too.

In order not to drip feed, we're not struggling financially and he earns significantly more than I do. All money has always been shared (one joint account, no separate accounts). I intend to take 39 weeks off and return to work PT. I don't really enjoy my job and I think my husband thinks I just want to get 'away' asap. Pregnancy so far as been straight-forward, but as I head towards third trimester I can already feel myself slowing down and know it's not going to improve until baby is here!

AIBU to insist it is my choice? Is 33+5 in a physically demanding job really too early?

OP posts:
lalaloopyhead · 27/09/2017 19:18

YANBU at all. I intended working as long as possible with my last DC as I wasn't able to take full maternity leave for financial reasons. However in the end I couldn't manage past 36 weeks (if I remember rightly) and I have a desk job!

SWtobe · 27/09/2017 19:19

Op I was like you and took early maternity because I felt tired but you need to think of after the baby is born and how you will feel.

I deeply regretted taking early maternity leave because then I had to leave my baby when she was still young and go back to work. It was so difficult and I really struggled with it.

I know next time to work as long as possible so that I can stay with the baby more.

MrsOverTheRoad · 27/09/2017 19:19

I also think he sounds like a shit. How dare he?? Speaking of himself as a cash cow!???

He's your HUSBAND! He should WANT to ensure you're well at this point! Show him this too!

MrLovebucket · 27/09/2017 19:19

YANBU, your body your choice yada yada

Personally I'd have been bored shitless leaving 7 weeks (potentially) before the birth. 36 weeks was a good balance for me mentally and physically, but I had a sedentary job.

Danceswithwarthogs · 27/09/2017 19:20

I'm a vet so spend 10 hours or so on my feet with lifting/squatting to the floor etc. I've managed to 36/37 weeks each time but last 2 has only been 2 days a week (tho looking after older ones on other days)

It is a killer, anything where you're standing a lot, bending to the floor, ?wiping toddler bottoms etc. It makes any spd you might experience 10x worse and you come home completely wiped out.

I have always valued as much time off afterwards as possible too though (and if you went 2 weeks overdue it would feel like an age waiting for baby with nothing to do)

When do you have to tell them by? Can you wait and see how you feel?

But YANBU - Entirely your decision... not his!!

43percentburnt · 27/09/2017 19:20

Your update makes him sound worse. When you add together your maternity pay and child benefit how much less are we talking then your net pay? Is he genuinely concerned about meeting your payments each month? Has he cancelled his gym/sky/golf etc?

I worked to week38 with one pregnancy and week 22 with another (severe sickness, drips etc).

dh did everything he could to make my life easy when I was pregnant.

cherish123 · 27/09/2017 19:20

I think your husband is just being practical. Unless you are not in good health, there is no reason why you could not go on until 39-40 weeks. I am a teacher and worked until three days before my due date. As it turned out, I did not return to work after maternity leave - so was useful that the funds to go on a little longer.

Ropsleybunny · 27/09/2017 19:21

It's up to you OP. Tell DH it's your body, your choice.

ElizabethShaw · 27/09/2017 19:22

How does when you go make such a difference to finances? Surely it will be 9 months of SMP whether you go at 29 weeks or 39?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 27/09/2017 19:22

I think he's being a complete prick, sorry. Surely any decent partner would WANT you to finish as early as possible and get plenty of rest? I know my DH did. He was more than happy to support me and HIS baby. Seems more like he's viewing YOU as a pregnant cash cow rather than the other way round. And a doctor too? So he earns plenty! Un-fucking-believable

ClaraLane · 27/09/2017 19:24

I finished at 35 weeks knowing I had a section booked 4 days before my due date but went into spontaneous labour at 38 weeks so I’d tell him to wind his neck in! I’m glad I had those few weeks at home by myself to relax and also do boring things like dentist/optician appointments which were much easier to do without dragging along a newborn.

MrsOverTheRoad · 27/09/2017 19:25

Cherish but you have to understand that not all women are capable of working till' days before their due date. I certainly was not.

I was literally falling asleep at my desk. I was massive and ached all over and felt sick.

I wasn't going to go to work in that state! Some women are much more able to handle the physical challenge than others.

It's not a matter of choice for everyone.

scrabbler3 · 27/09/2017 19:26

I finished up at 36w. Desk job, mentally demanding but not physically hard. I was more than ready!

And like pps, I know a few women who've given birth 3-4 weeks early. My friend didn't even make her leaving party - she went into labour at about 9am on her last day.

SteampunkPrincess · 27/09/2017 19:27

Every pregnancy is different, my first I was 38 weeks and could have done more, 2nd one was 36 weeks when ds came in the weekend in the week before I finished work...

Do whatever feels right for you

ChicRock · 27/09/2017 19:29

Pleas tell us that before ttc you discussed your intention to return to work part time and you've agreed on childcare, shared division of household labour, who will be taking time off work in the event that your DC is unwell, etc.

PNGirl · 27/09/2017 19:34

Ah, one of those men who secretly resent you getting a "break" (ha!) from work for 9 months and think you're going to be sitting on the sofa with one arm holding the baby and the other browsing online shops. Lovely.

Is this honestly about you having 2 more weeks at full time pay now rather than 2 weeks part time pay when you go back next year?!

SummerRains · 27/09/2017 19:38

I know nothing about what a Gp earns but if he needs the pay of a preschool worker for an extra week because his salary does not cover enough then perhaps he could do some extra shifts himself doing locum work or covering holiday in his place of work to make up for it?

I think I would agree to the extra week at work but I would not cook/clean/do washing or any housework that final week, a set I would be so exhausted from doing the actual work!!

TwoBobs · 27/09/2017 19:39

I planned on finishing at 37 weeks. Thought I'd have a nice 3 weeks off relaxing before baby arrived. I went into labour at 36+5 and gad it 36+6 (was busy clearing my desk at midnight knowing I wouldn't be there on my last day at work as I was in labour).
DC2 I was due to stop at about 36-37 weeks but then asked to stay until 39 weeks. The reason for this was because sitting at my desk sipping a cup of tea was a damn sight easier than running around after a non-walking 1year old. Those last 3 weeks were HARD. It came as a shock as I didn't have those last weeks with my first.
Working that late in a pre school will be absolutely exhausting. Your husband has no idea! I recommend suggesting the earlier poster who said making him carry around a 20lb weight, give him disturbed sleep and weeing on the hour every hour and then ask what he thinks Smile

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/09/2017 19:39

I was a teacher (secondary) during my first pregnancy and worked up till 37 weeks.
With hindsight, in a non-desk job like that, with long hours and lots of stress, I wish I'd gone on leave a couple of weeks earlier and actually rested. It would have been better for my health I think.

My second pregnancy was different as I was in an office job, and I intended to work till 39 weeks. However DS2 came 2.5 weeks early and I didn't have any leave before then.

So even each pregnancy is different, let alone each woman. No one should be telling you to work till your due date because they did, or whatever. If 33 weeks is what you feel you can cope with then that's up to you. Your husband should be listening to you, supporting you and working out how you can make it work together. Not telling you he's a cash cow and being angry with you!

Has he worked out the exact finances and does he know exactly how worse off he thinks you'll be? What impact does he think this will have on your household?

I hope he's got lots of redeeming qualities because from what you've said he sounds unpleasant.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 27/09/2017 19:39

Ordinarily I'm exactly the sort of irritating person that would go up until a day before I was due but today I've decided to go at 29 weeks.
I'm fed up with the job which is not what I agreed to/applied for, I'm being constantly checked up on even though there's no evidence I've ever made mistakes and due to one boss being a pain in the arse I have to park a 20 min walk away from the office.
I suffered horribly with spd in last pregnancy and it's already coming back so I won't be capable of that, I'm sick every time I eat which is delightful and to be honest I can't wait to be out of there now.

Financially we'll be no worse off really so DP is fine but if he wasn't I'd still do it. Good luck OP, I think he's being really unfair.

elfycat · 27/09/2017 19:41

With DD1 I went on annual leave at 29 weeks, and started maternity at 32 weeks. With HG and an unsympathetic boss I'd had enough.

Also they'd messed me around will refusing/cancelling annual leave as they'd lost staff in clumps through the year, and now stated that no-one could have leave over Xmas/NY. I worked it out that 29 weeks was December 22nd Grin

I then had DD1 at 36+1 so I was glad I didn't leave it later.

Go when you want!

EmpressoftheMundane · 27/09/2017 19:41

Two thoughts:

  1. The midwives may tell you to stop work if your blood pressure starts spiking at the end. Happened to me on my first pregnancy.
  2. His attitude is shocking. It doesn't bode well for his attitude for the next 18+ years of the this lark called "shared parenting responsibility." You'll be much better off if you can nip this in the bud.
TwoBobs · 27/09/2017 19:42

I think your proposal for finishing sounds spot on. Working with young children is exhausting.

ZenHeadbutt · 27/09/2017 19:43

Hmm, everyone's different but 7 weeks is a long time. I would want to work longer personally but would depend on lots of things. A big commute would be a factor.

I was lucky in that my employers were amazingly flexible so I could play it by ear. I think their flexibility was in their interests as it meant I was happy to work longer as I know I could stop anytime I wanted IYSWIM

codswallopandbalderdash · 27/09/2017 19:43

I left at 36 weeks but had been using annual leave to work shorter weeks for a few weeks before this. By about 33 weeks I had had enough. And I was massive at this point too. And it was hot. And i wasn't getting enough sleep.