To think it's my choice when I start maternity leave?

[MrsAlbie]

I'm nearly 25 weeks pregnant with DC1 and need to let my employer know when I intend to start my maternity leave.

I've had a little look at dates myself and by using two weeks of annual leave, I can finish work at 33+5 but technically begin my mat leave/pay a few weeks later at 36+1.

I work 40 hours in a pre-school, so it's not a desk job. Whilst it's not mentally taxing, it is physically demanding/draining and you need to be 'on it' all the time.

My husband thinks I should keep going until later on in the pregnancy 'because I had a colleague who kept going until the end' . When I tell him it's my choice, he says it's not and that because it affects our finances (I'm only entitled to SMP) he gets a say too.

In order not to drip feed, we're not struggling financially and he earns significantly more than I do. All money has always been shared (one joint account, no separate accounts). I intend to take 39 weeks off and return to work PT. I don't really enjoy my job and I think my husband thinks I just want to get 'away' asap. Pregnancy so far as been straight-forward, but as I head towards third trimester I can already feel myself slowing down and know it's not going to improve until baby is here!

AIBU to insist it is my choice? Is 33+5 in a physically demanding job really too early?

If he's prepared to be reasonable and is concerned about your finances, then perhaps look at ways you could make some cutbacks in your family outgoings in other areas. Saving some money by coercing you into working longer than you feel you should isn't the way forward. You will resent him for that.

You don't need to spend a fortune on baby kit. Things can be bought second hand.

That said, unless you're hugely in debt with a crippling mortgage, I don't understand how finances are such a concern on a doctor's salary?

why does when you go make such a difference to finances? Surely it will be 9 months of SMP whether you go at 29 weeks or 39

But it's nice to have a full wage for as long as possible. If I'd gone on maternity at 33 weeks, I would have been on maternity pay from 39 weeks which worked out half of my monthly wage. Instead, maternity pay started when DS was 5 nearly 6 weeks old so I had full pay up until then plus it means you get longer after with baby.

Another girl I worked with went on maternity at 28 weeks thinking she would have a lovely time off and didn't have her baby till 41 weeks so 13 weeks before baby come, she was back in work when her baby was 5 months old, complaining she had no money as her mat pay started when she was 33 weeks.

I finished earlier with ds1 than I later wished I had (he wasn't born til 42+1, I was very bored), about right with ds2 and too late with ds3 (I was fucking exhausted). Do whatever feels right for you.

It does seem very early. I was supposed to finish at 39 weeks. Dd arrived after 37 weeks. I wanted as much time off after as possible.

@MrsAlbie

In case it’s not been mentioned before. His argument is a moot point since no matter when you finish you’ll still take the 39 weeks. So finishing a week later means you return a week later.... his argument is basically pointless.

Plus it’s your body growing the child and only you know how much strain it is.

I think the type of job the op has is very hard.Little people hopping all over you.And then try g to get off the floor is a different matter.

If you have any holidays or days owed.Could you take them, then start your ml.

Well if you'd like to use me as an example-feel free! I have a sedentary desk role, no real pressure and part time and I finished at 29 weeks both times!! I had all my annual leave (5 weeks) saved up and took that first then started mat leave at 34/35 weeks! I thoroughly enjoyed myself with my first- slept, watched boxsets, read books, met friends basically lots of selfish time for me!!! Go for it I say!

I teach in a primary school and went on maternity leave at 35 weeks with my first pregnancy. Like you, I found it physically exhausting as I was on my feet all day, crouching down then standing up, leaning over desks etc etc. I also wasn't sleeping and just found the last few weeks incredibly difficult. This pregnancy I went on maternity leave at 33 weeks and even that was too late as this pregnancy has been harder work than the first one. Do what you need to do. It isn't about what his colleague can do- I've known people to work up to a week before their due date- but what you can stand to do. Your dh doesn't get a say because his body isn't taking the physical toll of growing and carrying a baby.

I planned on finishing at 35 weeks (desk job) but then was in hospital at 34 weeks and DD arrived 5 weeks early on what should have been the first day of my maternity leave, I didn’t even have my hospital bag packed and still had labels on baby clothes etc.

Remember: while you are on mat leave, you are also earning holiday time as if you were in work, so you can tack that on at the end, but personally I'd opt for more time with the baby than before. Unless you need to do a lot of sorting out in advance. I stopped at 34 weeks but had a c section at 36w 2d.

I worked up until the day I gave birth. My job was physically demanding and as a result (in my opinion) that's why my DS came at 34 weeks and why I happened to still be at work that day.
The benefit I would say about staying at work as long as you can means that you get longer with your baby when they're here

You finish when you want love. Both my dc came early. Dc1 was 3 weeks early

YANBU. I was due to leave my extremely demanding physical job at 34 weeks and went into labour whilst still at work, therefore got no rest before the birth ( also had an 18 month old) and ended up exhausted , depressed and trying to deal with a poorly prem baby / toddler etc.

I would strongly advise not starting motherhood feeling exhausted and resentful towards your husband.

Minor money issues (he's a GP; you're hardly struggling to put food on the table) pale into insignificance compared to the health and well being of you and your child.

Yanbu, it's up to you when you stop. Just as a suggestion, could you use annual leave from 33 weeks but to cut down to say a three day week for 2 weeks, then a 2 day week for two weeks or something along those lines? It would make it last longer and shift up to 37/38 going on mat leave weeks.

I had a desk job and finished work at 36weeks I was taking two weeks holiday and then starting mat leave at 38 weeks, my dd arrived at 36+6 weeks. So I got less than a week to rest, if I'd known she would arrive early I would have finished at 34weeks.

I mean shift going on mat leave to 37/38 weeks!

I worked until just short of 38 weeks both times - but it was a desk job and DH picked up a lot of the slack at home. I was napping every weekend too.

With you doing a physical job is your DH willing to do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping for the last few weeks, so when you are not at home you are taking it easy? If not, he's being unreasonable!

Your husband sounds like a complete arse TBH.

You need to sit down NOW and have a detailed discussion about money while you are on maternity leave. I'm worried he's going to be one of these financially abusive types who gets angry when you meet a friends for coffee or take the baby to a toddler group .

Have you also discussed your plans for the birth ? Remember that it's about you and your choices , don't be pressurised by him to plan anything you are not happy with .

I hope he's continuing to read this thread.

He's a pig.

If he were my son I'd be thoroughly ashamed of him and if my son-in-law I'd be questioning my daughter's choice.

It's your body, your health and he has no business passing an opinion.

Would he say the same to a patient? I do hope not.

Write an enormous long list of baby prep. Bath , bath stuff, nappies, cot crib car seat clothes food thinking steriliser everything needs washing and folding ,finding and booking antenatal classes , prepping thank you cards , nursery set up, whatever other house adjustments are needed, pram, materntiynclothes shopping, large pads, lansinoh , nipple shells etc for breastfeeding, Muslins and bedding, bouncer , baby gym and playmate, rattles, apps for soothing and tracking feeding . And if he wants to work later he can pick 50% of the list and pull his weight in preparing for the baby.

and say how you feel- say I know many women who tell me it hurts to get out of bed at that stage, it hurts to walk etc etc. I feel like you are telling me to suck it up for money.

It's totally up to you. I finished at 36 weeks first time (long commute, stressful role), gave birth at 42 weeks, massively regretted finishing so early. Second time finished at
38 weeks, gave birth at 39. First few days of mat leave were sorting DD1's birthday, tidying work stuff up from home, next few tidying the house. I got ONE day watching box sets in my PJs, no time to rest or relax properly. So second time I regretted finishing so late.

Essentially you never know what's going to happen so you need to go with your best guess.

Entirely up to you but I stopped at 36 wks and was soooo bored until she arrived at 40+6 lol

Op research has shown that working until the last weeks of pregnancy has the same negative impact on your baby as smoking.

You need time to wind down and mentally switch to a new stage. Also this is your last chance to rest before being very sleep deprived !

OP - is there ever a moment when you think his attitude to you is a touch controlling and actually the opposite of caring?

Or do you think his behaviour is entirely reasonable and normal?