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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my choice when I start maternity leave?

159 replies

MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 18:09

I'm nearly 25 weeks pregnant with DC1 and need to let my employer know when I intend to start my maternity leave.

I've had a little look at dates myself and by using two weeks of annual leave, I can finish work at 33+5 but technically begin my mat leave/pay a few weeks later at 36+1.

I work 40 hours in a pre-school, so it's not a desk job. Whilst it's not mentally taxing, it is physically demanding/draining and you need to be 'on it' all the time.

My husband thinks I should keep going until later on in the pregnancy 'because I had a colleague who kept going until the end' Hmm. When I tell him it's my choice, he says it's not and that because it affects our finances (I'm only entitled to SMP) he gets a say too.

In order not to drip feed, we're not struggling financially and he earns significantly more than I do. All money has always been shared (one joint account, no separate accounts). I intend to take 39 weeks off and return to work PT. I don't really enjoy my job and I think my husband thinks I just want to get 'away' asap. Pregnancy so far as been straight-forward, but as I head towards third trimester I can already feel myself slowing down and know it's not going to improve until baby is here!

AIBU to insist it is my choice? Is 33+5 in a physically demanding job really too early?

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 27/09/2017 20:23

@waterrat can you point me towards that research, please?

LuckLuckLUCK · 27/09/2017 20:24

You e got bigger problems than when you finish for maternity leave.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/09/2017 20:26

Go on maternity leave when you want to it's not up to you dick head husband tell him that the day he can carry and give birth to a baby is the day that he gets a say on when YOU go on maternity leave until then he needs to wind his neck in and shut his gob.

Mammyloveswine · 27/09/2017 20:26

I'm a nursery teacher and worked until 38 weeks with DS1-(started maternity leave on first day of new term after breaking up for Christmas so was on full pay right up until my due date).
This time around I'm due the same time so hoping to get to Christmas hols again (I'll be 38 weeks again) with maternity leave starting on my due date.
However, if I need to finish earlier I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it! I'm 26 weeks and have a 20 month old-feeling good so far but struggling to sleep and bloody knackered!
Your DH sounds like a knob-you need to think about you! It's bloody exhausting running around after small children all day!

Namebot · 27/09/2017 20:26

OP your husband's attitude to you, pregnancy and family finances stinks.

Maternity leave isn't just for looking after the baby - it's for coping with the later stages of pregnancy and latterly recovering from pregnancy and birth. So take the time you need. I've seen too many people run themselves into the ground trying to eeek out an extra week at work and then have the baby within days of finishing up.

I am truly troubled by your husband's attitude to money. Is he going to resent you spending "his" earnings during mat leave on you and the baby?

Tell him to google the cost of child care - that might finish him off.

SteampunkPrincess · 27/09/2017 20:30

Op research has shown that working until the last weeks of pregnancy has the same negative impact on your baby as smoking.

That's awful, way to guilt trip mum's even more - I haven't googled this so I'm not doubting what you are saying But seriously what else will we be blamed for?

JaneEyre70 · 27/09/2017 20:30

I planned to work until 34 weeks, but at around 28 weeks I started to really struggle in the late afternoon and felt shattered. I used to fall asleep on the sofa as soon as I got in, and DH would wake me to go to bed. I mentioned it to my midwife, and she told me very firmly my body was telling me to slow down, so I finished at 30 weeks. I finished on the Friday, and was admitted to hospital the following Tuesday and was in and out for the rest of my pregnancy. I deeply regret not listening to my body. It is no one's decision other than yours when you stop work and he has no say over this regardless of your financial situation.

RiversrunWoodville · 27/09/2017 20:32

At 33+ 5 dd1 was 6 days old. We are on a farm so self employed and don't get maternity but I had to stop working at 27 weeks with complications.

missyB1 · 27/09/2017 20:33

I'm finding the behaviour of this man quite upsetting, OP he doesn't sound very caring or respectful of you. And you need to remind him that all the income is family money no matter who earned it.

Oh and the last few weeks of pregnancy are when baby needs to pile on the weight, my consultant always told me that a lot of women underestimate how important it is to rest in the third trimester.

I am married to a Dr and there is no way he would ever Lord it over me about what he earns!

Jengnr · 27/09/2017 20:34

He's a controlling twat. He wants to give his head a wobble.

alltouchedout · 27/09/2017 20:37

Actually nevermind, it's <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.jstor.org/stable/10.1086/664831&ved=0ahUKEwjl3qGCjsbWAhUoDcAKHTYKCkoQFgguMAE&usg=AFQjCNG4h3tFxfYvk2qWasJydA8AdaHI9A" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this isn't it? Not sure it's fair to make that statement that smoking and working in late pregnancy are as bad as one another based on that, tbh. They do appear to both be linked to some reduction in birth weight but there's more to the effects of smoking than that. Also, it's not medical research- but if you know of any that supports this paper I'd like to read it.

Swizzlegiggle · 27/09/2017 20:37

Yanbu- I'm finishing work this Friday at 37 weeks I'm exhausted and have a desk job.
Your job is more physically demanding than mine and those last few weeks are difficult. Enjoy the extra time off and put your feet up Brew

FantasticButtocks · 27/09/2017 20:38

Oh dear. Did your DH promise to cherish you when you married?

He needs to understand now, at this stage, that the mother of his baby needs to be loved, cherished, respected. It is quite unpleasant that instead, he is using some woman as a yardstick to measure you by. Charming!

Of course it's your choice Flowers

Now would be a very good time for him to understand that, and to start to respect your choices. (Hope you're reading this OP's DH)

TansyVioletta · 27/09/2017 20:39

Yanbu

THirdEeye · 27/09/2017 20:40

I'm nearly 35 weeks and l second listening to your body.

I had a bleed recently, was admitted to hospital for a few days and have been unwell since.

I had hoped to work for another three weeks, but after being signed off I've bought my maternity leave forward to BTW I'm a teacher in a practical subject with a long commute.

My DH is fully supportive. In fact he didn't want me to go back after the summer holidays.

Your DH is being a twat....and being a GP it's actually quite shocking!

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/09/2017 20:44

OP, I've just seen your update. I think he's speaking to you in a disgusting way Shock Absolutely disgraceful.

You're carrying his baby, and he's talking about himself as a 'cash cow' - well he's treating you like a fucking workhorse Hmm

It is entirely up to you when you take your maternity leave - it is indeed to support you during the latter part of pregnancy, not just after the baby is born.

TansyVioletta · 27/09/2017 20:44

It doesn't matter what anyone else can cope with, it's what you can cope with. I wish he could come and help in the nursery and see how easy it is then. He sounds a right charmer with his cash cow comment when you're about to have his baby. Hmm

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/09/2017 20:46

He's an arse. Has he been like that before or is it a new thing?

Twinkletowedelephant · 27/09/2017 20:47

I worked untill the day before my planed c section. Tbh if I didn't have a todlar at home and wasn't treated like the Queen at work I would have left earlier.
Dd was happy and amused at my mum's I had people making me tea and bringing in lovley things for me to eat ( it was twins) and generally looking after me I had a very non taxing desk job.
First pregnancy I left at 35 weeks I was just too knackered and fed up. Dd was 10 days late so had 5 weeks of sitting on my arse twas lovley

redsquirrel2 · 27/09/2017 20:47

He sounds like a control freak, sorry OP. When I had my second baby I went on maternity leave at 29 weeks so I'd get the maximum time to myself as it was my last opportunity (DS1 in nursery 3 days) and it would never have occurred to me that I needed DH's permission for this. It's not right that he thinks he even has a say, let alone that he would actually want you to potentially suffer. You need to have a serious talk with him.

JokesonRay · 27/09/2017 20:50

I'm in a similar job, similar hours and pregnant with dc3. It's tough going and by the end of the day, I'm wiped. I'm planning to work til 35 weeks but my boss has cover in place and is happy for me to go earlier if I need/ want to. My husband? He says it's entirely up to me.
Money is always going to be tighter on maternity leave. What's important is your physical and mental health. I agree with other posters that your husband's notion that you are using him as a 'cash cow' to fund some (undeserved in his eyes?) downtime is worrying and I'd be telling him to catch himself on.
Also, I'm surprised at his attitude as a GP , he has surely come across more than just the one pregnant woman, who managed to work til her due date?!

Ellie56 · 27/09/2017 20:58

Glad Dr Twat's not my doctor. He clearly doesn't have a clue how physically demanding working with small children is.

You do what's best for you and the baby Op. You may even find that nature makes the decision for you.

Clearly Dr T is more concerned with money than his wife and child. Hmm Absolutely appalling.

CorSie · 27/09/2017 21:02

It's 100% up to you when you feel ready to go onto maternity leave. No one else's. Until they are the ones carrying the baby and about to give birth then they have no say.

I worked until 35 weeks, took 2 weeks off as holiday and then started my maternity. Everyone commented how it was early and I should work longer (everyone except DP who didn't mind when I left work) I didn't have a hard pregnancy but I did find it extremely exhausting in the 3rd trimester and just being up and about was enough to make me want to sleep for a week! Being on my feet all day at work was tough so I'm glad i left when I did. Everyone's pregnancy is different and some people are perfectly happy working right up til the end, only you will know what's right for you, your DH should be supporting you

chocatoo · 27/09/2017 21:02

Start letting your DH know about every discomfort but in a very stoic way. Nipples, boobs, bladder, nausea, exhaustion, bad back, piles, constipation, etc., etc., all in detail...graphic detail...

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 27/09/2017 21:12

Sorry op your dh sounds like an arse.

I have a very physical job, and went at 36 weeks with dc1 as I ended up being signed off sick which triggered maternity leave. I wish I'd gone earlier as I was very poorly during my pregnancy and it was hard physical and mental workload. Dc1 arrived at 38 weeks.

I saved my annual leave for dc2 had 5 weeks leave before I went on maternity leave and it kicked in at 38 weeks. I'm glad I did as dc2 appeared at 39 weeks, again a fucking awful pregnancy.

My dh was fab! He didn't care when I went as long as me and the baby were ok! Money was the least of his worries when I ended up in hospital time and time again.