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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my choice when I start maternity leave?

159 replies

MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 18:09

I'm nearly 25 weeks pregnant with DC1 and need to let my employer know when I intend to start my maternity leave.

I've had a little look at dates myself and by using two weeks of annual leave, I can finish work at 33+5 but technically begin my mat leave/pay a few weeks later at 36+1.

I work 40 hours in a pre-school, so it's not a desk job. Whilst it's not mentally taxing, it is physically demanding/draining and you need to be 'on it' all the time.

My husband thinks I should keep going until later on in the pregnancy 'because I had a colleague who kept going until the end' Hmm. When I tell him it's my choice, he says it's not and that because it affects our finances (I'm only entitled to SMP) he gets a say too.

In order not to drip feed, we're not struggling financially and he earns significantly more than I do. All money has always been shared (one joint account, no separate accounts). I intend to take 39 weeks off and return to work PT. I don't really enjoy my job and I think my husband thinks I just want to get 'away' asap. Pregnancy so far as been straight-forward, but as I head towards third trimester I can already feel myself slowing down and know it's not going to improve until baby is here!

AIBU to insist it is my choice? Is 33+5 in a physically demanding job really too early?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/09/2017 18:25

It sould be something thatyou both talk about and agree on because it does impact on shared household income.

But anybody decent would understand and support you doing so

namechanger2735 · 27/09/2017 18:26

I HATE the "I know a woman that worked until the day before baby was born" story. Fuck off. Leave when you want to leave, "no uterus, no opinion"

GummyGoddess · 27/09/2017 18:27

He doesn't really get a say in it, just because someone else can work until term that doesn't mean everyone can. I worked until term and was so tired, but I was scared of not working so kept pushing to continue. Got 1 week day of rest, baby came 4 days after leave started.

Should have had more time to relax beforehand as I was shattered before labour even started.

Crabbo · 27/09/2017 18:28

When your husband gives birth he can choose when to take his maternity leave. Until then he can keep his beak out becaue he has no idea. I went from a desk job at 36 weeks thinking it might be too early - dd was born a couple of days later and I felt cheated!

LouHotel · 27/09/2017 18:29

YANBU - you wont be any worse off. Your entitle to annual leave in when on maternity and it has to be used.

Only thing i would be weary of is you have less time off with your baby the early you go. I went off at 36 weeks and dd was born on her due date - i could of worked two weeks longer and then had a further two weeks off with her later on.

MrsDirtyBear · 27/09/2017 18:30

I started maternity leave at 30 weeks with both as I found the last trimester hard. You should be the judge of when you need to stop. No one else.

DJBaggySmalls · 27/09/2017 18:31

Does he realise what its going to be like later, if he finds your loss of earnings this big a deal?

Scottishgirl85 · 27/09/2017 18:32

My maternity started the day my baby was born, I had taken some leave beforehand. The advantage of this is maximising time with baby on the other side. Remember you could go two weeks over, so could be off work for 8 weeks before baby comes, it could be very boring! However, only you know how long you can keep going and that's the most important thing. x

SootSprite · 27/09/2017 18:33

I finished at about 27 weeks, used annual leave to take me to 29 weeks when my mat leave began. I was knackered, huge and poorly. It wouldn't have occurred to dh to query it. The only acceptable answer to the question is 'whatever works for you darling' followed by 'would you like a cuppa'.

Bluerose27 · 27/09/2017 18:34

I could be missing something but why does your husband have a say in when you start your leave? Will it have a financial impact that I haven't understood?

The only thing I'd consider would be if starting early before baby comes means less time on the other side with baby before returning to work.

cakeandeatit · 27/09/2017 18:41

I sat at a desk all day and finished as early as possible, when I was 29 weeks! It meant I could spend the summer with my at the time primary school aged DC and still have a good amount of time on my own when school started again before baby arrived (ended up getting the full half term). It was my choice completely and I was fully supported in it. It was definatley the right thing for me.

ticketstub · 27/09/2017 18:42

My husband said similar when I was pregnant. I worked a last day 12 hour day at 39 weeks pregnant, an office job but exhausted from lack of sleep etc. I was so uncomfortable and stressed that day. I went home and promptly went into labour the next day and needed an emergency section. I was furious with myself for putting the health of me and the baby at risk like that. I was also angry and resentful towards my husband for a long time. I felt he put me at risk for money, and we weren't struggling financially. But i realised i need to be assertive and look after myself, so I've learnt from it. Good luck

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/09/2017 18:47

Working in a busy pre school full time is a physical job. I don't think you could give it your all in very late pregnancy.
If you have the chance to rest before your baby arrives, grab it with both hands.

Benedikte2 · 27/09/2017 18:48

Only you can say how much longer into your pregnancy you are able to work.
I only thing I would say is that you may regret taking leave earlier than you find you need when the time comes to return to work and leave your baby -- not an easy time at all.
I worked up until 13 days before my baby was born at 38 weeks (I was induced). Had an office job but a lot of walking was required to and from the law courts, land registry etc. However, my exH agreed to do all the cooking and most of the housework for the last couple of weeks at work because I'd arrive home exhausted.
If you have to be quite physical in your job you need to get your DH to do most of the work around the house to enable you to continue to work a bit longer. That might indeed be all it takes for him to decide you need to finish work sooner rather than later!
Good luck

RedSkyAtNight · 27/09/2017 18:48

Have you discussed your plans as to length of maternity leave and that you intend to return pt with your husband? If you're not on the same page now, it won't get easier later.

MotherofSausage · 27/09/2017 18:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

tamepanda · 27/09/2017 19:00

With my first pregnancy I worked until I was 37 weeks - because I'm self-employed and no work means no pay - DD was took weeks late and by the time she came along I was bored out of my tiny mind!

I'm currently 37+2 and my last day of work is going to be 3 days before my due date.

That's MY CHOICE to work that late and I know my body and my mind. DP's actually suggested I slow down and stop work sooner ... we've had strong words about it!

MagicFajita · 27/09/2017 19:05

Not unreasonable at all op.

My work is similar (I work with sen children) and I planned to work til 36 weeks but at 35 weeks it all became too much physically so I stopped then. Also it depends on how you travel to work , had my work been a desk job with a car journey I'd probably have gone on longer.

bigredboat · 27/09/2017 19:05

Point out to your DH that you don't know when the baby will come, even a full term pregnancy could be anywhere between 37-42 weeks.

noseyjosey · 27/09/2017 19:08

I'm a nurse and there is a policy that we need to leave by 36 weeks unless we have a doctors note of fitness to work. Active jobs take it out of you.
It's nice if you can agree on these things, but your employer will not be asking for his permission or confirmation of your plans.

Darnda · 27/09/2017 19:08

I tried to keep working as long as possible as we are not exactly flush & finances are manageable but tight. I was planning to stop at 38 weeks but by 36 weeks I was so big I didn't feel comfortable driving myself to work, I was bloody knackered & had totally underestimated how hard the last few weeks were. Sleeping for a couple of hours at a time before waking up to wee, heartburn every 5 fucking minutes & being just massively uncomfortable. I'd say listen to your body, if you don't feel comfortable working in a physical job just stop. Have a word with your midwife & say you'd like to be signed off work. Then tell your husband your midwife has recommended you stop. A bit sneaky but stops any arguments at home. I think your husband is being a bit of a dick though honestly. Sorry 💐

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/09/2017 19:09

YANBU. I worked up until 38wks with my first, and I lived to regret it, because he came 9days early, and it felt like I only had a couple of days to myself to prepare for the birth. Plus it knackered me completely - I would have been much better off with a few weeks at home.

Original poster
MrsAlbie · 27/09/2017 19:10

Thanks so much for your responses and advice.

The ironic thing is that DH is a doctor so you'd think he'd get the whole 'every pregnancy is different' thing. He is a GP though so he's sat behind a desk for most of the day Wink unlike me.

He just got home and we had a chat which started off quite angry on both sides - me still saying it was my choice and him saying he was mad because it seemed like I was making the decision based on how I felt, rather than how it was going to impact on our finances. He even accused me of thinking of him as a 'cash cow' at one point which was really upsetting as I'm really sensible and realistic with money.

I showed him the thread and several of the responses. He was cross with me for posting at first but seemed to be reading them and softened a little.

He's asked me to push it back one more week and finish at 34+5. He says my work should be making more adjustments to suit me at that stage, but I guess he's imagining me being allowed to sit in a chair all day fondly watching the children quietly playing whereas in reality I'll be mopping up a puddle of wee and standing outside in the freezing cold during outdoor play.

To be honest I feel kind of like I can't say no. He just kept talking about how my drop in salary was going to affect our finances and so the longer I was earning my normal salary (before SMP) the better.

Ho hum.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Brittbugs80 · 27/09/2017 19:14

I worked in a nursery with under two's and worked till 39 weeks. Didn't have baby until 42+3.

It depends how you feel, I was tired but it didn't bother me working, though getting off the floor did get harder!

My work colleague worked until 38 weeks, went home Friday night and had the baby Saturday afternoon!

I was more aware of money as I got 6 weeks full pay then onto maternity so worked as long as I felt I could and I was also aware that I could (and did) go overdue and I wanted more time off with baby rather than waiting for baby.

You could go as long as me so you could up having 9 weeks off before baby comes but if you are struggling then go.

Fishface77 · 27/09/2017 19:17

We'll show him this.
He's fucking awful and should be ashamed of himself. Nasty piece of work.
Does he often disregard you and your feelings?
Bet he becomes financially abusive now.

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