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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 27/09/2017 10:29

I think you were right to say something. I don't think you were being a bitch.

I can't stand all this 'I can't have or don't have so all you people moaning about are being mean'

Bollocks.

I see so many people complaining about something that's quite upsetting for me right now, do I have a go at them, no I don't.

I once worked with a woman who was infertile and to cut a long story short I ended up having real problems once the baby was born until she was about 3. Btw this had nothing to do with the woman, more others in the office, she was lovely, caring and thoughtful when I know inside she was so upset. But she recognised that her not being able to have children was not my fault.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 27/09/2017 10:29

There's being right and there's being kind, eh? You actively chose to pick to be unkind and you could have scrolled on by.

VeryCunningStunt · 27/09/2017 10:29

I was only asking as I have quite often seen infertile women get a free pass on MN to be horrible to other women

I've never seen that.

I've seen people extend empathy and understand that emotional pain can sometimes be a catalyst to less than ideal behaviour, though.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 10:30

I do agree what I said may make me a bitch but honestly I don't care. If you are openly judging people on Facebook then be prepared for someone to give you their opinion or be judged in return. Just because one is infertile it doesn't mean you're untouchable whilst openly judging others.

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 27/09/2017 10:31

Don't really see why you couldn't have just ignored it, really.

Pinkpowerofthought · 27/09/2017 10:31

She ranted her opinion on Facebook so opened herself up to other people's opinions and comments. If she doesn't want to hear what others think perhaps she shouldn't vent her frustrations on Facebook.
You are absolutely right in what you said. We all moan about our kids, doesn't mean we wouldn't have them though.
Shea hurting because she can't have kids but she obviously thinks she would be a perfect parent if she was a mother and all us that moans about our kids are just dirt on her shoe.

Motherbear26 · 27/09/2017 10:32

She was being judgey and unreasonable. I have seen on here, more times than I can count, women posting begging for help and support. Women who love their children more than life, but for various reasons are struggling. A post like that may be enough to push them over the edge. I hate the attitude that 'so and so doesn't deserve a child because of X, Y, Z but I would be a perfect mother and I can't have one.. It's so unfair'. Infertility is sad and heartbreaking and I truly wish there was more that could be done to help but it doesn't give anyone the right to judge others.

That said op, I do think it might have been kinder to pick up the phone or pm the person in question to explain your feelings. Your friend spoke out of turn but she's obviously hurting and her comment may have been her cry for help. Maybe try and give her a call to talk it out?

VeryCunningStunt · 27/09/2017 10:32

I do agree what I said may make me a bitch but honestly I don't care

So what was the point of this thread? Just sharing your 'victory', were you?

EllieQ · 27/09/2017 10:33

Nice drip feed about your PND there.

YWBU and bitchy. When you are going through infertility and think you may never have children, it does make you resentful and angry at people who complain about the very thing you long for. I never posted anything like that on Facebook, but I certainly thought it!

I have a child now, and I realise that parenting is hard and understand why people complain about their children. But I still remember how awful it felt to think I would never have a child.

From her POV, she can't even vent on social media without a 'smug mummy' telling her she doesn't understand. This was one of those moments when you should have scrolled past and let it go.

DamsonGin · 27/09/2017 10:33

Do you actually want to be her friend?

Fruitcocktail6 · 27/09/2017 10:33

Gosh if you really feel so judged by her status (that wasn't aimed at you, from the sounds of it) then you're too sensitive.

Really baffles me how people cope with daily life when they're so offended and feel so judged all the time.

TurnipCake · 27/09/2017 10:33

I do agree what I said may make me a bitch but honestly I don't care

Alrighty then Hmm

PerspicaciaTick · 27/09/2017 10:34
SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 27/09/2017 10:35

No need to throw a hissy fit. If you didn't want opinions, don't ask.

ShatterResistantRuler · 27/09/2017 10:36

I think your response was totally horrible and unnecessary. What was the point of it except to grind her down?

JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 10:36

If you don't care why canvass our opinions? Hmm

I hope she sees this thread so she knows her she needs to delete.

With friends like that who needs enemies?

allthatmalarkey · 27/09/2017 10:36

Ask anyone who's had infertility and they will tell you that everywhere they turn something screams at them that they can't have kids and that for everyone else it's normal and easy to have kids. I wouldn't have posted what she did, her grief probably got a bit on top of her. In a more sensible moment, she'd be able to see it's not everyone else's fault. But the majority do take fertility for granted and we are unbelievably insensitive about how the world looks to someone who has just lost a pregnancy or can't achieve one. I think you owe her an apology. See it as anguish, not judgement.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 27/09/2017 10:37

It never ceases to amaze me how spiteful some people are to their "friends". If a friend of mine posted something like that, I'd assume they were upset and distressed. I'd probably drop them a text and ask if they were ok, not post something snarky on FB for the whole world to see.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2017 10:37

WTF did you start this thread for? You clearly thought you were right anyway and if other people don't agree, you don't care anyway.

An exercise in futility

VeryCunningStunt · 27/09/2017 10:39

An exercise in futility

An exercise in attention-seeking Wink

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 27/09/2017 10:41

I probably wouldn't have said anything but she would have irritated me as well. Hard time top trumps is bloody annoying and nobody has the right to claim their hard time is more difficult than someone else's. And yes, I have struggled with fertility issues in the past.

And where do we draw the line? "How dare people complain about their husbands when mine is dead/I am divorced and go home every night to my empty house. People who complain about their mothers should be grateful they still have mothers to complain about. People who complain they don't know what to have for dinner should think about the starving millions in the third world. People who complain their car broke down should think themselves lucky because what about all the people who will never be able to drive due to financial hardship/disability." And the list goes on.

And you could even add in there "people who complain about fertility struggles should think themselves lucky because my children have behavioural problems and I can't get the help I need."

If she struggles to read about other people's children then perhaps she needs to take a step back from the internet, not expect others to modify their own behaviour to suit her. When she manages to conceive everyone will no doubt be expected to take a great interest in her pregnancy/baby/little darling as it grows up.

BlueLagoons · 27/09/2017 10:42

But OP, you're contradicting yourself. You are annoyed with her for a judgement she's made whilst suffering from the mental torture of infertility, yet you think it's ok for you to make a judgement about her based on how PND has made you feel. She's apparently not allowed to feel hurt and upset at her situation yet you feel justified in what you say because you have had PND.

Besides, this situation could be applied to anything...it's not just about infertility. If a recently bereaved friend was ranting about people not appreciating their family/parents/partner/child etc, would you have then had a go at them on FB? I suspect not because that would be an awful thing to do. This situation is the same. No matter how irritated you feel, kicking someone at their lowest point is a downright horrible thing to do.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2017 10:44

I do agree what I said may make me a bitch but honestly I don't care

Then why are you doing a thread about it and asking the question "was I a bitch?"

I didn't think you were a bitch but now I think you either like the attention or this has affected you more than you realise as you seem to have started a thread just to rant about people who do this.

Justanothernap · 27/09/2017 10:46

If there is any lingering PND you might want to hightail it out of AIBU OP. It's not a kind place. Anyway I think I see your point. If she had just ranted about the awfulness of infertility fair enough. But what she said suggested stressed out parents who have a moan are insensitive . And we all need to moan sometimes.

Having said that maybe a PM might have been better? If you like this woman why not mend fences? Why not send her a PM along the lines of this - about that post on fb earlier... I'm so sorry you're struggling & I didn't mean to pile on. I just took it personally. I hope you're ok.

You know your relationship best & if she will be receptive to this. It might make you feel better anyway, I am assuming your posting here as you're second guessing yourself?

ShatterResistantRuler · 27/09/2017 10:47

sunnyskies I agree! if my friend had posted that i would have called round for a cuppa and a chat. I think the problem with facebook is that it it is full of vague acquaintances.