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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory · 27/09/2017 09:59

I'd have scrolled past it.

I have actually unintentionally stopped looking at my Facebook Newsfeed. Unintentional, yes, but I really feel happier now.

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 27/09/2017 10:01

Infertility doesn't give anyone an excuse to be like that, speaking as someone who struggled with it myself.

stitchglitched · 27/09/2017 10:01

Was there really any need to reply? She didn't name you specifically in her post did she? It was just a general rant because she is struggling with something very painful. If I saw that exchange on my feed I'd think you were pretty nasty tbh.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 27/09/2017 10:01

Wow, I can't believe this is real and you actually said that.

She was just venting, she wasn't personally attacking YOU, it was her own sadness. I think you were really very insensitive.

greendale17 · 27/09/2017 10:04

Yes you were.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 10:05

Just because someonen is hurting, it doesnt give them the right to off load their hurt and attack others.

I don't deal with judgemental bigots very well either OP. I'd have probably defreinded her if she had form for regurgative posts that annoy me.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 27/09/2017 10:06

So you've got your "victory"

Infertile woman is still infertile.

livefornaps · 27/09/2017 10:06

This is why the only thing that should be allowed on social media is cat videos

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 27/09/2017 10:06

Yes....and a spiteful one at that. You should apologise. I can't believe you have to ask on here and I say this as someone who hasn't suffered with fertility issues. Do you have no empathy?!

alltalknobaby · 27/09/2017 10:08

Yes you were.

1Wanda1 · 27/09/2017 10:09

I saw a similar post on FB a few months ago from a girl (now woman in her 40s) I was at school with. I just felt really sad for her. I can't imagine what it must feel like to live with that feeling for years.

UterusUterusGhali · 27/09/2017 10:09

I don't think YWBtooU, but there are people on here who think people shouldn't even talk about their children and that there shouldn't be adverts for children's stuff on telly to spare the feeling of women suffering infertility so you're probably going to be flamed.

What you said was true. Parenting can be fucking brutal and not all baking cupcakes and splashing through puddles. It doesn't matter how hard you tried to conceive, sometimes your kid will puke on something nice and you'll have a rant.

JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 10:10

It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

It's even harder struggling with infertility, and I say that as someone who was told I couldn't have children. I now have two.

Another YABU from me. The small victory thing was unnecessary.

BlueLagoons · 27/09/2017 10:10

The point you were making to her was valid but you could have phrased it in a much kinder way. I've personally been on both sides- suffered with infertility and now have a child. No matter how hard a day looking after a difficult or bad tempered child is, the pain of infertility completely outweighs the frustration of a difficult day. You said in your response that parents shouldn't be judged for complaining about their kids yet you've greatly judged her and her FB rant, not to mention humiliated her publicly. Her rant was a general rant, not aimed at you in particular. You made it personal and shamed her with your response.

Of course all parents (regardless of whether they're suffered from infertility or not) will complain about their children at times- it's natural. But her rant wasn't really about people complaining about their kids. It was her expressing her hurt, anger and upset at her infertility. Sometimes we should say something to correct another person's misunderstandings or judgements, and sometimes we should keep our thoughts to ourselves even if we are annoyed. This was one of those moments where it is would have better to not say anything at all and scroll on rather than kick her whilst she was already down.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/09/2017 10:11

You were being unreasonable. As was she, but grow the fuck up and stop arguing on Facebook.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 10:11

So because someone is infertile, that gives them the right to judge other women and make them feel like shit too?

I speak as someone with severe PND and anxiety, a few months ago I would have read that post, thought it was an attack on me and have felt like complete shit.

OP posts:
DiscoDiva70 · 27/09/2017 10:11

You might have got your 'little bit of victory' OP, but you should assume that probably a fair few people saw what you wrote, and have come to the conclusion you're not a very nice person.

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 27/09/2017 10:12

It's even harder struggling with infertility,

I'm sorry but no it isn't, not necessarily.

This is not top trumps.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 10:12

It wasn't an argument IMO.

OP posts:
ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 27/09/2017 10:12

No matter how hard a day looking after a difficult or bad tempered child is, the pain of infertility completely outweighs the frustration of a difficult day

I don't agree.

BorisTrumpsHair · 27/09/2017 10:12

sometimes you just have to breathe and let things go OP.

Yes you may be "technically" correct, but did you really have to say it to a friend in obvious pain having a rant? No you didn't. You can just unfollow or unfriend people on FB you know.

user1483808257 · 27/09/2017 10:13

Sorry OP. I agree. Uncalled for. You should have left it. I think i'd apologise tbh.

When I am feeling tired or frought after a hard day with my dc, I take a step back and think how many people would kill to be in my shoes - it helps me regain perspective. The last thing I'd do is rant on FB as I know other peoples struggles. Even I get her point and I am not in her shoes.

silkpyjamasallday · 27/09/2017 10:14

There was just absolutely no need for you to comment, did you get a kick out of being spiteful and nasty to someone who is obviously emotionally hurting already?

If you wouldn't say something to her face, and in this case I don't think you actually would have done, then don't put it on social media publicly giving her a dressing down.

I hated the sorry for yourself posts on Facebook, but I realised that the reason that people do it is that these people are desperately reaching out on social media because they were deeply upset for some reason and didn't have a real life outlet. I just scrolled past and eventually got rid of Facebook altogether.

I think you should message her and sincerely apologise, and in future have a think before you post.

Ttbb · 27/09/2017 10:15

Having a hard time yourself is no excuse to degrade others. You were right in pointing that out. However, you should have not done so publicly. A pm would have been in better taste.

BlueLagoons · 27/09/2017 10:15

Parsnips, that's fine. You don't have to agree.