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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
rightsofwomen · 27/09/2017 10:16

Some things are best said to your peers (ie those who have children and can empathise).

That was a horrible victory for you.

Kintan · 27/09/2017 10:16

She was obviously venting about her infertility, but you chose to take it personally and kick her when she was down. Having PND is no excuse for that I'm afraid. I'd send her a message apologising if I were you (assuming she hasn't already blocked you).

averythinline · 27/09/2017 10:16

Yes you were a bitch.....this was obviously someone having a shit day/rant you could have just ignored it ....it wasn't about you no need to have a go back.....

VeryCunningStunt · 27/09/2017 10:17

So because someone is infertile, that gives them the right to judge other women and make them feel like shit too?

Nobody has said that.

But you had a choice: you could choose to leave alone because someone in pain was venting, or you could choose to give them sanctimonious public dressing-down.

If you're happy with your choice, fair enough. But why ask if you were BU
if you don't think you were? What are you seeking? Validation. A bun fight?

GodIsDead · 27/09/2017 10:17

Yes

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2017 10:18

Op, why ask if you were being unreasonable it you just want people to tell you you were not.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/09/2017 10:18

Yes, you were.

It wouldn't have killed you to have ignored it. She's clearly hurting, why would you make it worse for her?

She's someone you used to work with, why not delete her from your FB if you can't be bothered to be nice to her?

Infertility is a bitch, she doesn't need kicking when she's down. We all know she can't stop people moaning about their kids & it's just life... but we can be sensitive to them hurting.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/09/2017 10:21

Congratulations on your "victory", you clearly enjoyed it. I think your comments were unnecessary and uncalled for - so yes, I think that makes you a bit of a bitch.

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 27/09/2017 10:21

If this was the other way round, and OP had posted something moaning about her kids, and someone else had commented saying she shouldn't moan as not everyone could have kids, would that also be rude?

VeryCunningStunt · 27/09/2017 10:22

If the majority opinion swings towards 'yes, you were a bitch', will you concede that your actions were uncalled for? And, if so, will you offer an apology to her?

JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 10:22

So because someone is infertile, that gives them the right to judge other women and make them feel like shit too?

I judge other women too. I have witnessed some unbelievably shit parenting over the most mundane stuff from other adults. I'm sure I've been judged on occasion too bu others on the very bad days. (DS has ASD & ADHD).

BlueLagoons · 27/09/2017 10:24

So because someone is infertile, that gives them the right to judge other women and make them feel like shit too?

Equally, just because you have had a bad day does that give you the right to publicly hurt someone further just because you can? If she had directed the rant specifically at you then I would say you had a point, but from what you've said it was a general complaint from her. You made it personal when you responded publicly to her. You didn't need to say anything to her at all, or if you felt compelled to then a private message would have sufficed.

Facebook is just dreadful for this type of thing. I see stuff everyday that irritates me or offends me. I either ignore, unfollow or block. I don't get involved in public spats. You should do the same.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 27/09/2017 10:24

I speak as someone with severe PND and anxiety, a few months ago I would have read that post, thought it was an attack on me and have felt like complete shit.

Why did you ask if you were BU if you don't want to know?

VeryCunningStunt · 27/09/2017 10:24

If this was the other way round, and OP had posted something moaning about her kids, and someone else had commented saying she shouldn't moan as not everyone could have kids, would that also be rude?

Yes, it would.

But that's not what happened. This thread isn't asking 'are all hypothetical scenarios bitchy?'

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2017 10:25

I think, OP that sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.

You weren't a bitch but you have confirmed her fears that her opinions as a childless women are somehow unwelcome and less important I think.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2017 10:26

Whilst what you said wa accurate, it isn't something you should have said on fb. Sometimes you have to just hold your tongue. However if she does go on to have kids with bug or adoption etc she too will have moments when her kids make her moan or pissed off.

If she was ranting to you in person or directly then you could say something but probably still needs to be in a sensitive way.

Katedotness1963 · 27/09/2017 10:26

I've suffered infertility and its fucking awful! The "cure" is no fun either. Clomid turned my into a bitchy basket case, my eyeballs would shudder while I was taking it, I felt faint all the time. Timed sex is not fun either. Then you see parents bitching and complaining about their kids and yes, you want to point out just how lucky they are.

I don't even see her being judgy, just saying how awful she feels, and then you went and twisted the knife.

Yes, you were bitchy. And has to your "victory", are you for real??

ParsnipLeekAndLemonSoup · 27/09/2017 10:26

I was only asking as I have quite often seen infertile women get a free pass on MN to be horrible to other women.

GaryBarlowsTaxReturn · 27/09/2017 10:26

I think you need to work on your self esteem if you genuinely think that what this woman wrote on Facebook is a judgement on you. She was passing comment, obviously from a place of sadness for her. I'm not sure why you thought the correct response was to put the boot in.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/09/2017 10:26

It is also worth remembering that the FB friend wasn't judging anybody specific - just ranting generally. The OP, however, was judging the friend and her comments and doing so very publicly. And is now rehearsing it all over again on MN.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2017 10:26

I felt a small victory

It's not a competition. You felt better because you'd made her feel worse? That's really not cool. At all

DamsonGin · 27/09/2017 10:27

Yes.

You could have ignored it or replied in a much kinder way.

TurnipCake · 27/09/2017 10:28

I once read that if someone has said something rude or offensive on social media, the best thing is to take it off the public domain and explain over a PM or in person that you were hurt/upset/thought something was unnecessary.

Most people don't, however, and choose to dress down people in public on a person's wall or thread, which demonstrates that it's less about the issue at hand and more about point scoring.

If that was a small victory for you, I'd rethink your priorities

stitchglitched · 27/09/2017 10:28

Yes Parsnip because the response would have made it personal. The woman in this case was having a general moan and the OP made it personal with her response. There was just no need. Feeling 'judged' by a generic fb post that doesn't even mention you is not remotely comparable to infertility. Like a pp said, OP can move on happily that she got her small victory but that woman still can't have a baby.

JonSnowsWife · 27/09/2017 10:28

I speak as someone with severe PND and anxiety, a few months ago I would have read that post, thought it was an attack on me and have felt like complete shit.

I think, in the gentlest way OP, you maybe still are seeing this as an attack on you. It isn't. I once took DS out for lunch, in the course of a lunch, we witnessed someone hit their child hard for crying -poor kid was bored shitless, my DM happened to say similar, all the people that are struggling to conceive etc. It could be possible that she'd witnessed that, it could be possible she finds those Peter & Jane blogs that pop up on your feed unwarranted annoying like me ; she could just be having a shit day and wanting to vent. It's her page after all. If you don't like it. Just scroll on. There's no need for a public dressing sown on facebook i find them so condescending and unnecessary.

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