Was I a bitch?

[ModernFamily2017]

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

Not sure why you see it as a 'victory' really. It's not. I would ask her if she was OK- she obviously feels down and frustrated about this and the fact that she just deleted her post rather than entering into a slanging match with you shows that you probably upset her a fair bit.

Also, you don't know that she was referring to you. I have an infertile friend and she has had 'helpful' comments from parents along the lines of 'oh well, at least you get to have 8 hours of unbroken sleep'. Um yeah, cheers for that. Just as I would never say to someone who is long-term unemployed 'oh well, at least you have time to watch all the daytime TV you like'. Your friend may well have been referring to comments of that sort.

Yes, you were a bitch. And you sound like you're 14. Grow up and set a better example to your children.

in similar shoes to the poster. i get what you're saying and i wouldn't post stuff like that but i dont think she was judging you or anyone in particular.

should she be fortunate enough to have children in the future of course she will tell them off. its all oart of being a parent.

it is something that crosses ur mind as someone struggling with fertility issues when someone treats their kids shit but theres a difference between that and disciplining them. above all else fb is not the place for stuff like that unless you are attention seeking then i guess you get whatever anybody throws at you.

you did rub it in though.

It's sad that you feel it was a victory. She was clearly venting, it sounds like something has bothered her.
Can you imagine wanting something so much that it's basically all consuming and then seeing other people have that thing and complain about it?
I'm not saying parents should never moan, I do more than my fair share of it but I can totally see how it would be hard for someone to hear it if they're struggling with infertility.
I think if I was her I would be angry too so I would have just scrolled by her status and let her have her feelings.

I think what you said is what you say to another parent NOT to someone who is obviously struggling to have a baby. I'd have let it go.

Yes of course you were and most people on reading that would have thought you a right knob, so you should thank her for deleting it really.

Sorry YABU - I probably won't be able to have a child & you have no idea of the pain & bitterness that you feel - sometimes it hurts just to see a mother & baby.

Sometimes its really best to know when to zip it.

She ranted her opinion on Facebook so opened herself up to other people's opinions and comments. If she doesn't want to hear what others think perhaps she shouldn't vent her frustrations on Facebook.
This ^^ If you post publicly then you're opening yourself up to unpleasant comments. Equally we (and anyone who read her FB comment) have no way of knowing whether she was genuinely struggling or having a drama queen moment. If it was genuine then OP's comment would have hurt, if not then it's the price you pay for wanting attention. That said, the response could have been worded better or OP could have just ignored it and let it wash over her.

I was told at a young age that I couldn't have kids and was too reliant on hormonal treatment to try so I spent years getting upset at others having babies when I couldn't. I would never have said anything though as I'm aware enough to know that other peoples experiences are hard too.

I have a friend who had many failed IVFs and would get really cross with women complaining about "swollen ankles" as it was such a petty problem. She finally had a successful attempt halfway through my pregnancy and I was very careful not to mention my hideous swelling, which was so painful and I couldn't walk - when she saw a photo of my feet and legs which were swollen to bursting and I ended up with cellulitis in my knee, she felt really bad about being so dismissive. I was desperate for children but having twins has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I'm glad I never gave others a hard time for admitting it!

I speak as someone with severe PND and anxiety, a few months ago I would have read that post, thought it was an attack on me and have felt like complete shit.

It seems like every second OP drip feeds their anxiety issue when told YABU.

You didn't feel like complete shit. You saw an opportunity to stick the knife in OP. Do this woman a favour and unfollow her on FB so you don't feel tempted to comment again.

Slow clap for your victory OP

She was probably silly to make a comment like she did but your butchiness outdid her sillyness I'm afraid.
No winners or victories with this one.

Oops, bitchiness. (not sure butchiness is even a word).

I don't mean to be insensitive, but as someone with anxiety I'm getting a bit tired of it constantly being used as an excuse for bad behaviour. It's my condition to manage!

You didn't feel like complete shit.

She didn't even claim to. She said that someone in other circumstances might have done. Which is entirely true. Compassion and allowances for shit circumstances work both ways.

Small victory? Well if you want to look at it like that. We all react sometimes but I think it wasn't very nice to kick someone when they are down. Did it touch a nerve? Do you moan about your children alot?

I think your comment was absolutely fair to be honest. I wouldn't have said it myself due to u ok hun nature of fb and I couldn't be arsed with the hassle.

But it isn't bitchy, it's a fair defence of moaning parents.

If I ever got to the point where putting a sad, emotional, struggling friend in her place was some kind of victory in my life I'd be doing a bit of soul searching tbh.

I doubt the person who posted that on her FB page woke up that day and thought "I think I'll write something today that will piss of my friends who are parents". More likely there was a situation that she came across that made her wonder why some people can fall pregnant so easily while it is such a struggle for some of us. I know when I was going through treatment and would see some parent at the park yelling to their "little fuckers to get over here now or get a thrashing" it made me wonder.

We thought we would never have children. It's the only thing I ever wanted. We were very lucky and have 2 now. Doesn't stop me complaining because parenting is hard work but my god I'd rather have them than struggle through the pain of never being able to have them. Infertility is more painful than having children and being able to moan about them. Have a heart fgs. Yes you were being a bitch and there was no need to say what you did. I also had bad PND, twice, get very anxious about my DCs and parenting, doesn't give you carte blanche to say what you want.

Congratulations on your victory of making someone who is struggling, feel even shittier than she already does. I'm sure you feel proud of yourself.

I hope you are proud of your victory over your friend. Tbh I would be rethinking this friendship with you and hope others did also.

I think in these circumstances I would have just let it wash over me.

However if it was a mum who posted it I would be wondering how she is super fucking perfect and the rest of us aren't.