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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
BrandNewHouse · 29/09/2017 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 18:32

but I do think it is a problem if we are closer to never being appreciative of them- and telling them and ourselves everyone loves their kids like that.

Sorry where have I said that I am like that?

BrandNewHouse · 29/09/2017 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunshineface123 · 29/09/2017 18:34

Sorry to say but you really should've just left it. She's obviously not in a great place and probably needs understanding not 'correcting'.

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 18:34

Have you noticed how she took responsibility for her own feelings, and didn't say I felt better because you were so shit.

Well yes but she does frequently say "by Christ you were a nightmare baby" Grin

I was, I used to wake up 15 times a night til I was well past two.

This is fine. It doesn't mean she doesn't/didn't love me or appreciate me.

Katie2017 · 29/09/2017 19:21

I think it's fine, my friends and me always used to bitch about our parents when we were kids so I'd wager your kids are doing the same about you to their friends whilst you are moaning about them.

Winebottle · 29/09/2017 19:26

Its not really a judgey comment from her. She is expressing her own painful emotions rather than directly criticising anyone else.

It would be different if it was posted in response to your complaint about your children but she said nothing personal and there was no need to take offence to it.

Rocketbuddies · 29/09/2017 19:34

but I do think it is a problem if we are closer to never being appreciative of them- and telling them and ourselves everyone loves their kids like that.

I don't think many parents 'tell' the children, I've had many a friend talk about their children in the 'monstrous' way you describe e.g. "the little bugger didn't sleep a wink", "little git" when watching the toddler do something cheeky etc. Never once did I think they don't deeply love or resent their children. That is a world apart from actually calling your child a little bugger, little shit or whatever.

Rocketbuddies · 29/09/2017 19:37

And on the flip side, if a parent no end talks about how proud they are/how amazing their child is that also irritates others and I can expect that if you were struggling with infertility seeing someones lovely baby and the updates that come alongside would be hurtful anyway.

I think the comment this thread refers to is very judgmental of the woman and uncallef for, as in every way of life if something online bothers you/you don't agree with you can unfriend or unfollow.

BrandNewHouse · 29/09/2017 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 30/09/2017 09:51

Adoption is a noble and valid way of becoming a parent if own fertility is an issue

WTF! Adoption is not "noble"

And whilst it is absolutely a valid way of making a family, it isn't the easiest thing to do and in some cases is impossible.

It is completely normal to grieve for the loss a a child you cannot conceive/carry to term even if you are an adoptive parent and love your child dearly. Adopting is a completely different life experience to giving birth and I will never be able to experience what being a birth mother is like.

It's a bit like suggesting that if your DH dies and you subsequently go on to remarry that your grief from the death of your DH doesn't exist anymore because you remarried.

Adoption isn't a cure for infertility.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2017 10:11

Hear hear kewcumber.

And seriously, as if a man who doesn't want to have a child will be up for the arduous process of adoption one.

JonSnowsWife · 30/09/2017 10:27

Well yes but she does frequently say "by Christ you were a nightmare baby" Grin

DemonBaby if it makes your DM feel any better I was penned as a 'mardy baby' by DM. The grandparents and the HVs who all encouraged her to not listen to me and ignore my incessant crying. Turned out I was really poorly and needed emergency surgery at 6weeks old. She still feels guilty now! Grin

whatsthepointinwasps · 30/09/2017 11:27

Ok I'll admit it I haven't read the whole thread but.......
by criticising her for judging weren't you being judgemental yourself?

Eveforever · 30/09/2017 11:38

A) the OP has us to judge whether or not she was a bitch
B) If she doesn't like it that would suggest that maybe her response to her friend maybe wasn't the best way to handle things and that she should consider apologising to her. We're all human, we all make mistakes and I find owning up to that and apologising is the right to do that. At least that's how I feel about it, the OP has to decided what is right for her.

threadarick · 30/09/2017 13:04

Yy Kewcumber, wtf.

Fluffyears · 30/09/2017 13:35

Have you thought she possibly posted it after another disappointing month, another failed attempt, another miscarriage, another dead IVF foetus? Then you come along and get all high horsey with someone in pain. Do you know what this is like seeing people having kids and the one basic thing we think everyone can do escapes you? No because you have kids! Maybe try being in her shoes for just s moment.

BlurryFace · 30/09/2017 18:26

If you're going to post something on FB addressing a group of people, don't be shocked when someone from that group responds. Duh. Sick of morons putting crap up on FB then whinging because someone said something back.

S4RA · 30/09/2017 19:19

Modernfamily2017
You KNOW you are were a ducking hitch or you wouldn't have to hide behind a NC.
I doubt very much that someone like you would apologise.

Katiekatjas · 30/09/2017 21:43

I’ve been on either side to be honest. Had 7 miscarriages and wanted another child. Yes I did have kids already but it must be awful if you have none. I went into a proper depression about it. Thing is with Facebook that was probably a general response and you don’t know what or who to. Maybe one of her friends does nothing but slate their kids. Facebook is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth. I stay well away from it now.

chaseylayne76 · 30/09/2017 23:30

Her Facebook, her choice of status update. I struggled for 17 years and yeah I agree with her that hearing people moan about their kids does hurt. I would have sold my worldly possessions to have a child 10 years ago, luckily and possibly miraculously I fell naturally with my little girl. I might think bad things about her occasionally but then I do about most people, I just don't say anything. I think you overstepped if I'm honest, scroll past and say nothing.

DaisyDrip · 01/10/2017 00:19

Sometimes we can blurt out something without thinking and once receive a reaction realise we did speak in haste.

I can't imagine not being able to have children but there again would not like to be judged just because I could and did. It's easy to say we should all think before we say/type but as we all know life isn't that simple.

At least the post has been removed and hopefully no harm done. Life can be tough sometimes when life takes people down a road they would rather not go and they then take out their pain on others (I am SO guilty of doing this and had to learn the hard way of the hurt I accidentally caused others). I could go on but that's not the purpose of this thread.

bianglala · 01/10/2017 01:06

OP, you said you don't even feel rotten, you are a nasty person.

I have struggled with infertility and it's soul destroying. You have no idea. You are insensitive and frankly disgusting and I do hope your children will have more empathy than you do.

Scaredparent · 01/10/2017 17:15

Should apologise

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 01/10/2017 20:17

I know a lot of people who do 'indirect' statuses on fb. The problem with them is if you see yourself in what they've said and then comment it opens yourself up for even more criticism (from the poster, or from others)
E.g. When someone posts: "don't you hate it when someone only calls you when you want something" and you'd previously asked them a favour, it makes you feel shit... but it also makes you look silly if you comment on the status.