Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a bitch?

505 replies

ModernFamily2017 · 27/09/2017 09:37

NC as this is identifying

Last night a girl I used to work with on posted on FB something along the lines of:

'It makes me so angry when I hear parents complaining about their children! They need to realise how lucky they are and think of those of us who can't have any children and would do anything to be in their shoes'

I don't know why but it really annoyed me, I hated the 'judgyness' of if so I commented Blush

I said something along the lines of: 'Being a parent is bloody hard work and I don't know anyone who hasn't complained about their children at one point or another. It doesn't mean we love them any less. I know it's horrible for women who can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to judge those who can. It's hard enough raising a child without people judging you all the time.

She then deleted her post and I felt a small victory but also pretty bad Blush I just hate sweeping statements like that!

WIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 29/09/2017 11:07

I started this thread asking if I was a bitch? Some said no, most said yes and others went on to personally attack me, my character, and even brought my children into this, all from the safety of your screens.

Those of you who've attacked me for giving my opinion on seomeone's status, I did not attack the lady perosbally or directly.
Yet you have attacked me, so how does that make you any better?Really? The hypocrisy is hilarious.

But thank you for showing your true colours. You can't attack someone for being a bitch whilst being one yourself.

OP posts:
user1501186058 · 29/09/2017 11:07

Why comment anyway if you didn't know her, so yes you were a bitch as you felt a "victory" in trying to humiliate this woman without knowing anything about her! It wasn't directed at you so you had no need to comment. To know you can never hold your own baby and watch them grow must be heartbreaking. Why did you feel the she needed your comments rather than just scrolling past.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 29/09/2017 11:07

To those of you who were nice or just gave an honest opinion/advice without attacking me. Thank you SmileFlowers

OP posts:
Kisathecat · 29/09/2017 11:08

Objection! The OM, the original moaner is an as yet unknown person not the OP.

Happyemoji · 29/09/2017 11:10

Modern couldn't agree more. The arseholes are in force today.

Apologise to her if you feel bad but don't upset yourself over it. Talk to her about it and then move on.

BrandNewHouse · 29/09/2017 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kisathecat · 29/09/2017 11:49

It makes me wonder if the original moaner has any idea of the fuss her comments have made here on mumsnet!
I mean what do you suppose it was that she said? "It's so annoying that kids really test you you know" or "Omg if that little sod pulls all the cleaned and ironed and folded clothes out of the drawer again i am really going to scream!" Or maybe "if I tread on one more piece of lego I'm chucking it all in the bin!!!"
I mean, how bad was it, this original moan? No body fucking knows (and probably never will).

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 29/09/2017 11:51

OK, so when one of the DC is being a little shit, I have to keep it to myself? That way depression lies.

Original poster
ModernFamily2017 · 29/09/2017 11:56

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis

Well infertility 'tops' depression and everything else apparently...

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 29/09/2017 12:13

I don't think it's out of line for parents to moan about their children.

I don't think it's out of line for you to have commented on her post (although unnecessary).

I do think you gave little thought to your response which could have said the same thing in a much kinder way if you felt compelled to answer.

You have no concept of how devastating it can be to be diagnosed with a fertility issues regardless of your age or current life status. I was single and 24 when I was diagnosed with PCOS (which ultimately scuppered my chances of getting pregnant - clomid/injectables/IIUI/IVF all proved pointless and dangerous in one round of IVF).

It was a devastating time for me, all my neat little vague plans to have a family "at some point" flew out of the window, allied with the knowledge that I didn't have the time to play with that other women did - I was told very clearly by my gynae that with my PCOS I really needed to be getting going as early as possible - which when I didn't have a partner was an added stressor.

Based on your replies I don't actually think you were deliberately being a bitch, just very self-focussed and with your subsequent judgements of how people must react when going through something you have no experience of, I do think you have the empathy of a rock.

And infertility is no stranger to depression and anxiety, it is rare that infertitlity and depression don't go hand in hand.

Maybe you're right and she is a whining poseur who doesn;t deserve any sympathy or any degree of thought when responding to her.

Have you learnt anything of what it might feel to be infertile from this thread out of interest?

Yeats said "Tread softly for you tread on my dreams" not "Give me a kicking not because you should but becasue you can" - he obviously missed a trick there.

HostaFireAndIce · 29/09/2017 12:17

OK, so when one of the DC is being a little shit, I have to keep it to myself?

Do you really post about it on Facebook though? "Little Jimmy has been an absolute shit today"? If my kids have been driving me up the wall, I moan about them to my mum, or my husband, or one of my friends. I don't plaster it all over social media.

BrandNewHouse · 29/09/2017 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trudi33 · 29/09/2017 12:29

"Iron strikes iron so one person sharpens another." Have no regrets you both learned something and are the better for it. Same as no gains without pains. Or a cotton wool life is given to few ...

MinorRSole · 29/09/2017 12:30

But thank you for showing your true colours. You can't attack someone for being a bitch whilst being one yourself.

In fairness you posted here specifically asking if you were being a bitch. Most people are just answering your question that you started this thread to ask.

I think you already knew you were, when someone posts on their personal Facebook page you have a choice to ignore or engage. People post some unbelievable shite on there, attention seekers have found their haven on fb. That doesn't mean you get to feel self righteous or victorious in bringing them down.

I think most of us can acknowledge that anyone posting that kind of thing is doing so from a place of pain or unhappiness and we have the good grace to just keep quiet.

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 12:31

Can I ask, is there anything a parent could say that would make you think it was too much or too horrible? Or is everything permissible?

Well give me an example and I'll tell you!

I work with women who suffer perinatal MH issues and can tell you for a fact that these women need a safe space to "moan".

HostaFireAndIce · 29/09/2017 12:45

I work with women who suffer perinatal MH issues and can tell you for a fact that these women need a safe space to "moan".

I'm sure they do. I would also bet that you don't encourage them that Facebook is that 'safe space'!

sidesplittinglol · 29/09/2017 12:46

I struggled years with infertility until I finally had my DC's. it was one of the toughest times of my life as all I wanted was to be a mum. I didn't understand why people would complain about their kids no matter what they did. They were the fortunate ones who were able to conceive. It's their choice and you have to take what comes with it. Same with people who did terrible things to their kids like abuse. This angers me so much. There are people out there who would do anything to have kids. I now have 2DC's with the 3rd on the way and I would not change anything about them. It's hard being a parent everyone knows this but I wouldn't complain about them given what I went through to have them.

I think your comment was a bit insensitive. She was probably just venting and you have no idea what she was going through when she posted that. Making someone feel bad was not nice.

Toomanykidsandtired · 29/09/2017 12:49

Yes slightly ironic, which is why the end of my post was tongue in cheek. Hypocritical? No, I'm actually talking about the amount of home admin (washing and uniform organisation) there is with the number of children.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2017 12:52

But thank you for showing your true colours. You can't attack someone for being a bitch whilst being one yourself

I’d agree, op you did ask. You must know you would get the bald truth. I suspect, despite your protestations otherwise, you’re upset that people will think you’re a bitch for coming back at this woman. Honestly, it’s not a big deal. Most will just raise an eyebrow and think “ well that was uncalled for “ and move on.

I wouldn’t stress about it too much.

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 12:53

Of course not hosta but I would certainly be disappointed if people were judging them for it.

I suffered through years of infertility myself. Not once have I felt fertile women should be "grateful".

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 12:54

? No, I'm actually talking about the amount of home admin (washing and uniform organisation) there is with the number of children.

Probably shouldn't have had so many kids then. Be grateful.

Oh no wait, that would be an appalling thing to say to someone wouldn't it.

Rocketbuddies · 29/09/2017 13:03

I know how much 'organisation and washing' there is with having children thank you.

But this is a moan on a social platform which is exactly what you are criticising OP for, yes that is hypocritical.

When my DC was born premature following a difficult pregnancy and a loss I found it difficult listening to other pregnant women talking about how they couldn't wait for the pregnancy to be over and talking about how uncomfortable they were and I envied them for having an uneventful and 'easy' pregnancy. They were perfectly in their rights to 'moan' because pregnancy is hard and you cant be sensitive to EVERYONE with every comment you make.

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 13:07

It's also worth nothing that for many women with PND - and just generally new mums - it can be quite helpful for other people to admit they are not finding parenthood a barrel of laughs.

When I had my son I really felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life - and this was after three years of repeated miscarriages - and yet was surrounded by mums on social media who were #blessed #grateful and for whom it was all worth it.

It did not feel all worth it for me. I did not feel blessed. I did not feel grateful.

Thankfully I am recovered now but it is only recently I have been speaking to friends and they have told me they felt the same way I did but said nothing for fear of being judged. Sadly this thread proves that fear was justified.

Ducknose · 29/09/2017 13:21

Even outside of postnatal depression, most mothers can agree that parenthood is hard. It's not a big secret.
I have depression and anxiety but that doesn't mean I lack empathy with others or can't understand that everything is relative. If I saw a post on someone's fb page, I'm not forced to 'like' it, so would scroll past. I wouldn't dream of trying to school someone who was clearly struggling. They can't relate to being a knackered parent under pressure, but a knackered parent under pressure can't relate to how it feels not being able to conceive.

DemonBaby · 29/09/2017 13:45

I don't see why being infertile gives you a free pass to make judgmental comments.

Swipe left for the next trending thread