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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

377 replies

drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 06:07

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

OP posts:
Jeanneweany · 28/09/2017 00:11

Cook for yourself only. Anyway hubby may be tired after working. Does he do other things like look after baby?

hostageofateen · 28/09/2017 05:05

If your baby is mobile they must have a nap time - Do the washing up then. - Its what the rest of had to do !
Its also better to pick your battles otherwise you will find yourself going crazy over something daft (like the washing up )
Solution - paper plates

Cwandry · 28/09/2017 06:38

If you were both out at work all day I would agree this is reasonable. If you are home all day.. Even with a baby... I mean it is just a baby and looking after doesn't take all day, we have all been there, then I think it would be OK to wash it up the next morning I do this a lot.... But I am a slob.

If it is a deal breaker for you though then you Horta keep nagging him... Trouble is then you are a nag.... Not nice.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 06:42

You don't look after your baby all day?

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 06:44

That sounded ambiguous. It wasn't a pop at working mothers, I'm a working mother. But on the days I'm off, I sort of do look after the baby all day...

scottishretreat · 28/09/2017 07:16

If your baby is mobile they must have a nap time - Do the washing up then. - Its what the rest of had to do !
Please don't speak for women kind (I think you were trying to say that doing chores while baby was asleep is what women do).
Many of 'us' try for something more equal, and I suspect that when OP is at work, and her DH is not, he isn't rushing to do a few things she agreed to do as soon as the baby nods off!
Of course, if he does do that OP, that may be more fair?

GlacindaTheTroll · 28/09/2017 07:33

"If you were both out at work all day I would agree this is reasonable."

But her DH thought it was reasonable because he agreed to be responsible for it and is frequently failing in this.

It would be wholly counterproductive for OP to remind him, because that action in itself means he is not taking the responsibility he agreed to to. So other consequences, which do not inconvenience OP but are noticeable by him, might make him step up. So I'd go with either no longer cooking in the evening, or putting the washing up outside (not on car, though, that seems a bit petty; just somewhere where it's not cluttering the kitchen) and essentially downing tools when the tools are unavailable

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 07:54

I'm noticing that the people telling OP to effectively suck it up and slave keep finding reasons for why she should be doing this, even though she and her husband both work part time, even though the washing up is a job that is generated and available to be done while he's home and even though he actually AGREED to do it (as well he fucking should). In other words, even when the actual home/work situation is the same for both partners.

I would actually prefer it if they just came right out and said, "Do it because you're the woman and it's not your place to make a fuss or assert a personality equal to His Nibs" because at then at least they'd be fucking honest about it, and I do prefer a plain talking villain.

Neither am I assuming they're men...in fact I'm sad to say they probably aren't. Women have internalised this cobblers far too much.

Apologies to the men on here who are capable and mature and have lazy wives. It's a predominantly female forum and, unfortunately, a predominantly female problem, so you're not going to hear it on an equal level. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist in reverse as well.

Ninjamilo · 28/09/2017 07:56

I could have written that OP....

We both work full time, supposedly had a deal that I cook and he washes - very very rarely happens unless I get angry at him. He always says 'I'll do it tomorrow'.

Just this morning there's a mountain of washing up from the roast I cooked last night....

I think last week topped it - the Rubbish is his job (bearing in mind I do ALL the cooking, washing and cleaning, food shop etc) and asked him to take it out Sunday - by Friday there were 4 bags in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Yes, I could just do it myself, but it's draining, and I don't see why I should. We're both adults, and with a baby on the way I've told him I'll be divorcing him if he doesn't start pulling his weight!

VickyRsuperstar · 28/09/2017 08:19

I haven't read the whole thread, but buying a dishwasher would be the way forward - both of you can put stuff in it as you use them and nothing much will be left on the surface. It really is a lot quicker and less smelly. The pots get washed and dried effortlessly and you can use clean stuff straight from the dishwasher if he ever forgets to put it away. Washing up always seemed a big chore and a faff, whereas having a dishwasher has been a life saver for us and a real time saver. You need to find a way round your current situation and this might be worth it.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 08:20

A baby on the way??? Make him shape up NOW. You think it's infuriating, exhausting, disrespectful and downright disgusting now?

LifeIsBetterUpsideDown · 28/09/2017 08:26

In our 18 years of marriage, I think my husband has cooked and washed up less than a handful of times. Do I think this an outrage or consider leaving him?? No, because I've never mown the grass, replaced the fence panels, emptied the mouse traps, or the countless other things he does. We've never sat down and discussed who does which jobs. It's about balance and what works for us. If he doesn't do the dishes, agree on something else instead.

TammySwansonTwo · 28/09/2017 08:30

Staggered by the "but you're at home all day" comments. She's at home to care for their baby, not do the jobs he's already agreed to do. I have twins and no way would I have time to do a load of washing up - I can just about load the dishwasher in bits any time I can grab 30 seconds.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 08:31

My husband mows the grass.once a month. So what? Do you think there aren't non daily things the op does? All the daily work still needs taking cAre of.
Also , for the benefits of those who have read no responses before commenting, the op works.has a job. Goes to it, and does activities for pay. That thing you seem to think only husbands do because women have to stay in the kitchen washing up dishes.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 28/09/2017 08:36

I would be very annoyed but honestly I couldn't be home with that smell all day so would do it and then send him a sarky text lol

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 08:41

Your husband mows grass, replaces fence panels and disposes of dead mice every day? To the tune of probably an hour at the very least?

I hope you didn't pay too much for a house with that much breakage, overgrowth and infestation!

Daydreamerbynight · 28/09/2017 08:47

Lifeisbetterupsidedown Yeah, the jobs mentioned that your husband does are not daily jobs. Maybe use daily examples?

sweetbitter · 28/09/2017 08:48

YANBU, washing up is also supposed to be my DP's job as I do all the cooking. We have the same pattern whereby he'll do it for a while then stuff starts to get left in the sink. Which as you say is infuriating as it means I have to do it the next day in order to use the sink. I'll eventually get cross and point this out to him and then they gets better for a bit until creep once more sets in...

Did you leave the dishes on the car then?

Mumandteacher123 · 28/09/2017 09:16

"After looking after his baby all day?"! Isn't he/she your baby too?!

chocatoo · 28/09/2017 09:27

Good grief - just do the washing up! Life's too short. I'm sure there will be things that push his buttons too. I can't believe you would consider sitting in a smelly house all day. Put the baby in the cot while you do it if you're worried about the baby being mobile.

sirbedevere · 28/09/2017 09:31

You're not over reacting. Shitwork killed my marriage stone dead. When I was working (full time, plus baby, plus pregnant, plus doing a full time degree Shock) he did nothing. He said all I had to do was ask, but I had to ask in a particular way to make him feel like he was doing me a favour Hmm When I was SAHM I still did everything, but with the added bonus of spending half a day cleaning the kitchen or whatever, and he'd come home and fuck it all up. The resentment was unbelievable. It simmered and simmered, I'd go to extreme measures to get him

to partake in housework, argue and in the end I was such an angry angry human being. I never wanted sex, I was too emotionally exhausted from this inner fury and feeling like a slave. He thought I had some sort of issue with sex.

I left him - to turns out I'm practically a nympho Grin and I have a clean ordered home (mostly!) that takes a third of the time to keep on top of because there isn't a selfish arse taking liberties and trashing the place. If this doesn't get nipped in the bus now, it will eventually ruin the marriage.

EEEventually · 28/09/2017 09:42

A dishwasher saved our marriage...I have no doubt!

Thinkingofausername1 · 28/09/2017 09:57

I think people are being harsh about the op being at home all day and not doing dishwasher!
If I did the dishwasher all the time nothing else would get done!! You can't stay chained to the kitchen all day.

Thinkingofausername1 · 28/09/2017 09:58

Sorry I mean washing up

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 10:14

We should be able to put together a bingo board.

  • just do it, life's too short
  • my dh takes out the bins and mows the grass once a year, and every 5 years calls the tree trimmer ,so we both contribute in diffeeent areas
  • you're at home all day op has a job
  • you should just do it because you're at home dh is home after dinner which is when dinner dishes get washed but that doesn't count
  • get a dishwasher and your marriage will be great!