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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card?

151 replies

Catscrat · 24/09/2017 20:52

DH and I have just attended our 4th wedding of the year so this is fresh in my mind...

I've noticed a trend the last couple of years, of the happy couple not sending a thank you card/note for the gift you bought them. When DH and I got married 8ish years ago, I painstainkingly wrote out 100+ thank you notes for the presents and vouchers we'd received and was happy to do so. We had several friends get married around the same time and received cards from them thanking us for the gifts we'd given. However without exception, the last 2 or 3 years we haven't received a single thank you after any of the weddings we've attended.

Is it just me who thinks this is a bit rude? On any other occasion (birthday, Christmas etc) you'd expect the person to whom you'd given a present to say thank you, whether it's a text, card, email or in person, and I don't see how a wedding is any different? Particularly when you've spent £50-100 on a present (as we normally do at weddings) it just seems a bit rude for the couple not even to acknowledge it...feeling a bit huffy about it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kaybush · 25/09/2017 00:01

I think in this case YABU.

Formally thanking you for a birthday or Christmas present is very different from thanking you for a gift you brought to a wedding, which probably cost the couple in the region of £15-20k to entertain you and everyone else.

Wedding thank you's have probably diminished as weddings costs have risen exponentially.

ittakes2 · 25/09/2017 01:19

In the country where I grew up the whole thank you card was not a thing. You thanked people for coming and for their present when they left. And yes while at the time you had no idea what their present was - that was actually part of it ie thank you for the thought.
I often wonder if there is too much emphasis on presents - we asked our wedding guests not to buy us presents as we knew just being a guest with travel and outfits etc is expensive enough. Although some people did feel uncomfortable with not giving us presents and gave us something which we thanked them for in person.

elderlyhippo · 25/09/2017 07:11

"Wedding thank you's have probably diminished as weddings costs have risen exponentially."

I don't think the cost of the party (for which the guests should be sending the hosts thank you notes) is in any way related to sending a thank you letter for a gift.

But I do think it might be related to social class.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 25/09/2017 07:25

Elderly - I agree.

Why does the cost of a wedding mean that you don't write a thank you card? Especially when (outside Mumsnet World, of course), often a gift list has been circulated indicating clearly what gifts are acceptable to b&g. I like to give a gift, especially when I know it's something the recipients actually want or need, but I do like to receive a proper thank you in return. I don't think that's too much to ask. I also write proper thank you notes if I've been given a gift but not opened it in front of the giver. I get a lot of gifts from the children at the school where I work. Every one of them gets a thank you note on the first day of the following term - last year that was around 60 notes.

Mandraki · 25/09/2017 07:31

I always think if you've said thank you in person then why are we saying it again in writing? Unless the person you receive the gift from was not at the event, then sending a note would make sense. Also it's not really the done thing in my circle of friends/family. We have one friend who sends thank you cards but she is a bit posh. That said, I am not a fan of any kind of card really, especially when you can verbally express the sentiment of the card you are literally handing over at the same time (e.g. Birthday cards).

However, I know that thank you cards is a thing that people 'do' in certain circles and if that's where you are then YANBU to expect one, if it's the done thing.

cremedelashite · 25/09/2017 08:12

I always thank in person. I never send thank you cards. I tell people not to send me one. I never give to receive a thank you . I can see why people think it's rude. It probably is. I'm not sure why I feel like this. I feel like I'm rejecting the practice because I find it budget/pointless. But like I say, I can accept it's felt rude by some.

elderlyhippo · 25/09/2017 08:18

You can't say thank you properly until you know what the gift is.

Really, is anyone going to be unwrapping at their wedding reception?

(Though personally I would send a gift in advance, or via list for consolidated delivery - if I remember to enquirer if there is a list in time!)

Tainbri · 25/09/2017 08:28

I think a written thank you is essential and anything less is ungrateful and rude. I wouldn't expect to receive a card for a couple of weeks, especially if the couple go on honeymoon straight after but I would expect something, something like a postcard with a wedding pic on it, which is a nice and fashionable idea we've had sent. I always write to say thank you for being a guest at the wedding too.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 25/09/2017 08:48

Hand written thank you card is only way to thank someone for a gift. Otherwise it is extremely rude.

That said, agree with PP that give the couple a chance. Often there will be a long honeymoon. Then home and a week or so to go through gifts. Order thank you cards, often with photo and then write them all. A couple of months or so is not unusual.

balsamicbarbara · 25/09/2017 09:02

I thank people in person either at the time or whenever I see them next and that's it. Who can be bothered keeping track of who gave what for Christmas or birthdays. If that's some sort of requirement (hasn't been for me so far) I'd rather just tell everyone not to ever give me anything if it has conditions placed on it. Similarly I don't expect anything in return other than some chit chat next time I see them.

Hatstand · 25/09/2017 09:12

I very rarely send them nor do I expect to receive them. Seems like a waste of time and resources to me!

RedForFilth · 25/09/2017 09:16

I don't think the cost or effort put into a wedding should impact on a thank you. People have massive expensive weddings because they want to, it's not essential to get married is it. You can't choose a wedding like that then whinge about the cost.

Even an individual text would be nice, doesn’t have to be a card. The last wedding I went to they didn't say thank you at the wedding or on social media. It made me think less of them tbh as I was brought up differently. Even Christmas and birthdays I ensure I individually thank people for myself and my son's cards and gifts.

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 25/09/2017 09:19

I'm not bothered about thank you cards as unless they are a picture of bride and groom they end up in the recycling anyway. I'm happy by text, phone or to my face.

Saying that I'm not keen on fb one because I don't use it much. One friend sent a thank you a week after the wedding. I was impressed until I opened it and it was a card with a generic one liner of thanks printed (not written) on it. Whats the point of that? Might as well save money and text.

My close friends do great thank yous from their kids. They film them with their gift saying thank you and using it. They did the same after their wedding and one tropical storm afternoon in their honeymoon they filmed a couple of minutes of a personal thank you message. It was lovely, much better than a card I thought and showed how much they thought of people to do personal messages.

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 25/09/2017 09:21

I did do personal thank you cards which took over a month to write and 2 more months to send.

Lethaldrizzle · 25/09/2017 09:26

It's the people who don't say thank you for the thank you cards that really annoy me. It is 'staggeringly rude', to quote an earlier op. Ooh it makes my blood boil.

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 25/09/2017 09:27

TheEdgeOfGlory266 don't feel bad, sometimes things happen along the way. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 25/09/2017 09:27

Lethaldrizzle 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Dulra · 25/09/2017 09:30

I haven't been to a wedding for a few years so not sure if things have changed but all weddings I have attended you would generally get a thank you card with pic from wedding a couple of months after the wedding and it was usually personalised mentioning the gift you got. It is oftenthe same style as the wedding invite card was. I know for my wedding (12 years ago) we ordered the thank you cards with the invite cards and when we got our gifts we wrote down what each guest got us and send the thank you card with a small pic of us.

At a wedding you either order a gist online from their list or leave it on a gift table at the reception so there is no opportunity for bride and groom to thank you on the day so it is good manners tio acknowledge the gist in some way after the event. As others have said many guest go to great expense and upheaval if travel is involved to attend a wedding

TakeAnadin · 25/09/2017 09:34

We skinted ourselves with a JL £50 gift card and more for friends and received no thank you. Whne we asked the groom if they had our present, the answer came back'I think so.'. How crap is that?
I have fallen out with the groom for many reasons, mainly he is a self absorbed asshat.
Also it was the worst wedding ever and all the guests starved and the bride looked as though she wanted to run away!

TheRadiantAerynSun · 25/09/2017 09:42

Never in my whole life have I received or sent a thank you card.

I assumed it was just for people who send you things from abroad or something, not for everyone... because, why?

My sister got one once from a friends wedding and was really confused, 'But, but, she already said thank you when I gave her the gift Confused'

I guess we only get gifts from people we know and like and can say thank you to in person.

over40andpregnant · 25/09/2017 09:43

I think weddings def def
Baby showers or baby first gifts def

But when it’s gets to Xmas and birthdays I must say I don’t anymore as I used to but got too much
I still fobfor my grandma and grandad and the in laws as I know they all like it from my dd
But school friends I sent a email to everyone that attended to say thanks and that seems the norm back

PumpkinPiloter · 25/09/2017 09:52

ChildOfWoe Of course I say thank you when I receive a gift. I am unmarried so have not had to deal with the issue of wedding gifts.

There is a very large gap between not sending a thank you card for any gift received and not saying thank you to someone in person.

I think generally in life actions speak louder than words but I would classify thank you cards as words rather than actions.

Androidsdreamofelectricsheep · 25/09/2017 10:07

Still rankles with me that we were unable to attend the wedding of as friend's daughter but arranged for a gift through the John Lewis wedding list, and because the bride didn't send as thank you letter I don't know if it ever arrived.

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 25/09/2017 12:04

Thank you @CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken 5 years down the line, one amazing toddler and another on the way. Things have brightened up for us x

EmmaC78 · 25/09/2017 12:53

I don't send thank you cards and don't like receiving them either. A waste of time and money and bad for the environment. The last few I have received have gone straight in to the recycling. A thank you in person seems fine. I can't understand why anyone would be bothered about not getting a card.

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