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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card?

151 replies

Catscrat · 24/09/2017 20:52

DH and I have just attended our 4th wedding of the year so this is fresh in my mind...

I've noticed a trend the last couple of years, of the happy couple not sending a thank you card/note for the gift you bought them. When DH and I got married 8ish years ago, I painstainkingly wrote out 100+ thank you notes for the presents and vouchers we'd received and was happy to do so. We had several friends get married around the same time and received cards from them thanking us for the gifts we'd given. However without exception, the last 2 or 3 years we haven't received a single thank you after any of the weddings we've attended.

Is it just me who thinks this is a bit rude? On any other occasion (birthday, Christmas etc) you'd expect the person to whom you'd given a present to say thank you, whether it's a text, card, email or in person, and I don't see how a wedding is any different? Particularly when you've spent £50-100 on a present (as we normally do at weddings) it just seems a bit rude for the couple not even to acknowledge it...feeling a bit huffy about it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 24/09/2017 21:48

it's just basic manners. You teach your kids to say good morning, please and thank you, and to write a card as soon as they are old enough to do so.

An email or a text is not enough for a wedding, a big Christmas or birthday present. I think it's even rudder for weddings, the couple sees nothing in spending money for invitations, sometimes save-the-date and menus, but suddenly becomes tight-fisted once they have received a gift Confused

PeaceAndLove1 · 24/09/2017 21:50

I'm big on cards for all occasions but for this me personally I'd not be too bothered. I'd think to myself I'd done my bit sending the gift in the first place. That's all that matters. The contract's finished so to speak.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/09/2017 21:51

the couple sees nothing in spending money for invitations, sometimes save-the-date and menus, but suddenly becomes tight-fisted once they have received a gift

A very valid point ...

Original poster
Catscrat · 24/09/2017 21:51

TBH I really don't mind when or how the thank you comes, whether it's a card in the post 4 months later or a face-to-face thank you when they remember. Just some sort of acknowledgment! I put a lot of thought into presents and it feels like a bit of a slap in the face not to be thanked.

MadMags I never thought about this being a particulary British thing but maybe you're right!

OP posts:
BeatriceBeaudelaire · 24/09/2017 21:53

Tbh, if they're younger it's not unexpected. I don't really send birthday cards or congratulations cards to anyone but immediate family - I text or FB my good wishes and they do the same. Paper isn't something we really do, although I do think I will send TY cards as I think it's lovely but wouldn't expect them from my friends x

beekeeper17 · 24/09/2017 21:53

In the past year, I've given 1 wedding gift and 4 baby gifts that I haven't had thank you cards for. I find it rude, and I'm sure I've almost always received thank you cards for wedding and baby gifts before that, so I don't know if there is a shift towards not giving thank you cards any more?

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/09/2017 21:53

"I would like to think that I am far from ungrateful and selfish."

I'm sure you're not ungrateful, Pumpkin, but do you not think it's rather selfish to leave your friends and family with no way of knowing whether you actually received their gift or not?

"Does it really make you feel so much better about giving a gift to receive a generic thank you?"

No, but if I've given someone something, I would like to know that they received it. After all, it may be that the intended recipient didn't receive my gift and is now hurt because they think I didn't in any way mark their event!

DilysMoon · 24/09/2017 21:53

Obviously in the minority but it would not bother me at all although I did send them myself many yrs ago. In fact if I do get a thank you note I tend to think poor sods spending all that time writing them out. I'm with AJPTaylor the presumption is there on both sides. A general thanks for all the gifts/good wishes in the speeches or in conversation is fine with me.

LaContessaDiPlump · 24/09/2017 21:54

Oh we do face-to-face thank yous, or texts, or social media, or email.... just not dedicated, specific cards. It is not something that I have on my mental list of minimum required social behaviour. TBF it's not on my (British born and bred) DH's mental list either. This bolsters my 'just for posh people' theory Grin

timeisnotaline · 24/09/2017 21:56

We have recently gotten thank you cards from 2nd and third birthday parties, which I love! Sorry, that probably doesn't help.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 21:56

I don't think being British has anything to do with it.

Mine and my husband's family are a mix of English, Irish, Spanish, American, Dutch and Norwegian.

Yet we all send and receive thank you cards.

TheAntiBoop · 24/09/2017 21:59

The most beautiful thank you cards I have received have been from Americans

Lethaldrizzle · 24/09/2017 22:01

I couldn't give a monkeys if I get a thankyou card. When I give a gift I expect nothing in return.

NoKidsTwoCats · 24/09/2017 22:03

I think that the consensus seems to be that as long as there's some sort of 'thank you' it's fine, whatever form it takes.

I find it odd that a minority doesn't seem to think it necessary to acknowledge attendance/a gift AT All (card or otherwise). At the very least so they know the gift was received safely.

You'd say 'thank you' if someone handed you a cup of tea (at least, I hope you would), so why wouldn't you when someone books time off work, uses all of their valuable weekend time, travels miles, buys an outfit, books a hotel, spends the day with you, buys you a gift and a card etc. It's rude not to acknowledge that support, time and commitment in some small way.

Original poster
Catscrat · 24/09/2017 22:09

NoKidsTwoCats That's exactly it!

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 24/09/2017 22:12

YANBU. My ‘rule’ is, if I have received and opened a gift in person and said thank you then I don’t send a card (applies to dc also) but if I didn’t get to say a personal thank you then I always send a card. At weddings, gifts are just left on a table so yes, I’d expect a card - it’s just polite.

It’s soooo important to me that my lo appreciate and thank people for gifts. I was always made to write thank you cards and although I didn’t enjoy it, it did make me pause and realise that I’d been lucky and given a gift.

Creambun2 · 24/09/2017 22:13

what you are doing wrong is spending £100 on a present. Buy large sheet of nice wedding wrapping paper, fold and tear a bit, few bits of sellotape. Nice label with "best wishes, hope you enjoy this" etc.

Leave on table discretely behind other gifts.

Done this many and always get a thank you note saying many thank for lovely "present".

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2017 22:14

Another one who sent out handwritten thank you cards for wedding gifts last year, with photos on the front and an acknowledgment of the specific gift given. We had asked for no gifts as it was a tiny do but people gave them anyway, including people who hadn't been there, so were especially touched to receive anything.

It's staggeringly rude not to send a written note, I'm in my 30s and it's not a young people thing, it's a rude bastard thing. The only wedding for which we haven't had a thank you was my sibling, who's spectacularly crap at ever saying thank you for anything, despite high expectations of receiving. So no great shock there.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 24/09/2017 22:15

YNBU, at all.

If somebody buys you a gift, you say thank you. If they handed it over in person, would you just be mute? No. You say thank you.

Same for any gift. Kids for birthday presents sent, not handed over in person, say thank you and send a card or phone the person. The fact that its a wedding and you have to do 80 isn't a get out - you still say thank you.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 24/09/2017 22:15

I would say it depends on the friend if I'd get upset or not.
I have a fab, slightly ditzy girlfriend and I recently sent her a big-ish gift for a big birthday. Got a lovely thank you email asking for our new address so I know she intended to send a card but ... no card came. I'm not bothered in the slightest since I know her and it's not malicious, it's just life getting in the way. She sent me beautiful flowers when the kids were born and when my dad died, gifts for kids, concert tickets etc.

My SIL ... now there's a different person altogether. Angry

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 24/09/2017 22:17

This makes me feel awful. After we got back from our honeymoon we wrote out all our cards individuality, before having a chance to post them we went through a terrible time losing a baby and completely forgot about them. 2 years later we moved house and I found them at the back of my wardrobe. I was so upset that I forgot to send them and messaged everyone.

peachgreen · 24/09/2017 22:18

I’ve never not had a thank you card from a wedding! We managed to get ours out despite moving house / country and starting new jobs within 2 weeks of the wedding (with Christmas in between). Took a few months though!

FrancisCrawford · 24/09/2017 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flimflaminurjams · 24/09/2017 22:26

It is rude and not a trend - it depends on the persons. I've been to 3 weddings in the last year. 1 a good friend for over 10 yrs, 2 were DHs siblings.

Friend sent a lovely thank you card

1 DH sibling sent a card, because they were doing everything properly with their wedding (no expense spared, lots of little finishing touches etc)

1 DH sibling didn't send a card, but then they are tighter than cramp and always give shit presents.

Sums them up really.

MadMags · 24/09/2017 22:28

Relax, Edge.

I honestly don't think sane adults in the real world think they're that big a deal! Flowers

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