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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card?

151 replies

Catscrat · 24/09/2017 20:52

DH and I have just attended our 4th wedding of the year so this is fresh in my mind...

I've noticed a trend the last couple of years, of the happy couple not sending a thank you card/note for the gift you bought them. When DH and I got married 8ish years ago, I painstainkingly wrote out 100+ thank you notes for the presents and vouchers we'd received and was happy to do so. We had several friends get married around the same time and received cards from them thanking us for the gifts we'd given. However without exception, the last 2 or 3 years we haven't received a single thank you after any of the weddings we've attended.

Is it just me who thinks this is a bit rude? On any other occasion (birthday, Christmas etc) you'd expect the person to whom you'd given a present to say thank you, whether it's a text, card, email or in person, and I don't see how a wedding is any different? Particularly when you've spent £50-100 on a present (as we normally do at weddings) it just seems a bit rude for the couple not even to acknowledge it...feeling a bit huffy about it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 21:30

It's rude and there's no excuse for it.

Having said that, I'd be fucked if I'd write all 100+ of them myself OP. I'd make sure my DH wrote half Grin

Jensa · 24/09/2017 21:30

Rude but seems to be the norm these days not to even acknowledge receipt of presents with a quick text, never mind saying thankyou....

YouOKHun · 24/09/2017 21:31

Yes, it's very bad mannered not to acknowledge a gift and in the case of a wedding gift it's very rude not to write a short note. I have noticed this too, a lack of bothering to write which seems positively correlated with a new kind of grabbiness (dictating what you'd like for the gift you assume you've a right to).

Yes I am a grumpy old throwback.

BuffyFan · 24/09/2017 21:32

It is rude, but they might just be being useless? I'm another one who took an embarrassingly long time to send thank you cards. We moved house twice (and city once) and jobs within the year. But it was still crap of me not to do it straight away.

greendale17 · 24/09/2017 21:32

YANBU- it is definitely not a trend.

It is plain rude

ADishBestEatenCold · 24/09/2017 21:34

Was thinking about this very thing today. Attended a wedding a couple of months back and we took two gifts. One actual gift from the whole family, an item we knew they had admired, plus a gift card with a reasonable wodge of cash in it, just from me (the bride is my close friend and has had some hard times recently, so I wanted to contribute financially towards something I know she really wanted to do)!

At the wedding, the venue gathered gifts and cards on arrival (presumably to put in the bridal suite).

Haven't heard a word and I don't want to ask! With hindsight, I feel a fool for leaving cash (what are you meant to do with these things), but on the other hand it's not just the cash that has gone unmentioned. We haven't heard about the gift either, so hopefully all is okay, and it's too early to have had an acknowledgement. (Am not worried about being thanked, just want to know they got it).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/09/2017 21:35

Yes, it's very rude to send no thank you at all - not even a quick text, email or whatever

I confess I'm surprised at the majority response though; there was a time on MN when some would have said "don't you know they're busy", "if you only give something for the thanks then don't bother", "did you expect them to crawl up your backside" and more

I wonder what changed ...

RuggerHug · 24/09/2017 21:36

Outlook what the hell...that's just bizarre about the Christmas thank you Xmas Confused

Criceta · 24/09/2017 21:37

YANBU - it's rude. I've also noticed this with a few weddings over the last couple of years. There were some generic thank yous on social media after a family wedding my parents, who aren't on social media, also attended. They were quite hurt their generous gift was not acknowledged. We wrote thank you notes within 4 weeks of our wedding 2 years ago, it's not hard...

PumpkinPiloter · 24/09/2017 21:37

I have to buck the trend and say that I have never sent a thank you card in my life and do not expect to be starting any time soon.

I would like to think that I am far from ungrateful and selfish. Does it really make you feel so much better about giving a gift to receive a generic thank you?

It does not do much for me.

Only1scoop · 24/09/2017 21:37

They lack manners

AJPTaylor · 24/09/2017 21:37

i assume that people are grateful for the gift and i hope they know i was grateful for their hospitality. i seriously dont see the need for it all to be written down 😂😂😂🤣🤣

BillBrysonsBeard · 24/09/2017 21:37

YANBU at all. If you had said you expect cards, then I wouldn't agree. But no "thankyou" by text/email etc... that's rude!

coddiwomple · 24/09/2017 21:39

It's very rude

Most bride and grooms I know have taken the effort to write a note within 2 months, a few have just sent a printed generic "thank you for coming and for the gift" slightly better worded which is better than nothing, but not sending anything is rude.

It's not that difficult to chose the card before the wedding, order it straight after if you really want to include a photo, write a few words and go. I did all my cards in less than a month, nearly 200 of them (got various gifts from non-guests too, people are lovely), no need to write more than a couple of paragraphs (and there are 2 of you when you get married!)

shakemysilliesout · 24/09/2017 21:41

Wedding etiquette dictates the couple have 6 months to write their thank you cards

TheAntiBoop · 24/09/2017 21:41

When I wrote thank yous it isn't generic

For my wedding I thanked for the specific present and shared. Memory from the wedding or honeymoon that may be of interest or involve the guest. I put a lot of thought into them!

When my kids write thank you cards (where gift isn't personally gifted) they know to add something more than a thank you - often why they liked the gift or how they have played with it etc

It's just nice communication

FadedRed · 24/09/2017 21:42

Of the six wedding presents we've sent over the past couple of years, we've had five thank you cards so far, the last wedding was only a couple of weeks ago so plenty of time yet. So not a trend noticed here.

meditrina · 24/09/2017 21:42

And was it definitely received?

This is one of the reasons you need a proper thank you letter (doesn't need to be a special card, letter could be sent electronically rather than on paper according to likely preference if recipient). Because when someine writes thanking you for the four lovely crystal wine glasses when you ordered and paid for 12 you know to go and rocket the shop.

But that only works if thanks are sent in a timely manner.

I hope the guests are all writing little post-wedding bread-and-butter thank you letters to the official hosts.

Being able to knock out a good thank you letter is a life skill, both socially and at work.

emmeline7725 · 24/09/2017 21:43

I hope none of my guests have commented here....!

We got married in late July. No thank you cards have gone out yet (although I have spoken to many guests and thanked them for attending/gifts/helping out etc.)

The reason for the late thank you cards is that, as pp said, we were waiting for the photographer to send us the photos on a CD so we can use them for the card. We received the CD this weekend and we have just ordered the cards. So by the time they go out it'll be approx 10 weeks since the wedding.

I'm wonder now if I should have just sent generic thank you cards rather than waiting for the photographs. Although in recent years it has seemed fairly standard to me to include a photo. Hope we've not upset anyone!

MadMags · 24/09/2017 21:44

Are you British?

British people seem oddly hung up on thank you cards.

Cheerfully murdering trees because the couple forking out to feed and entertain you for the day isn't quite enough!

Seems mad to me. But then I've read threads on here about kids writing out thank you cards for their birthday presents! Poor fuckers.

I think face-to-face thank yous are just fine (and better for the environment), and I would assume a busy bride and groom were grateful without expecting it in writing!

MirandaWest · 24/09/2017 21:44

We got married last summer and sent thank you cards (printed with pictures from the wedding but with hand written notes on) within about 2 months. Took a little longer than intended but hopefully people didn't mind too much.

susurration · 24/09/2017 21:44

Yes, this peeves me too. We've been to possibly 6 or 7 weddings in the last five years (since our own) and only received a thank you card from one of them for the gifts we had bought.

Husband thinks its because I do personalised gifts for the couples and they don't like them. I don't give a shit and would like a thank you anyway!

BuffyFan · 24/09/2017 21:45

Perhaps being slightly more sympathetic, it occurs to me that there was at least one gift we received which reached us without a tag on. It wasn't obvious from a process of elimination who it was from either, so regrettably that's a person who never received a thank you.

I'm not saying that's happened to you, op, as to suggest that happened a number of times over would be absurd. But these things do happen, and you can't assume a lack of a thank you card equals a lack of gratitude.

LaContessaDiPlump · 24/09/2017 21:46

Never did thank you cards as a child, and never received any (grew up in another country mind you). Hence it simply doesn't register to me as a thing. I receive them occasionally and go 'Oh, how nice' but that's about it. I may have made an effort to send some following my wedding but can't remember!

I always think of them as a thing that posh people do/fret about tbh. I don't think my DC know what they are and I won't be enlightening them any time soon....

MrsPear · 24/09/2017 21:47

Yes it is rude. But my cousin who was 29 when married a couple of years ago did send a lovely personal thank you. So if it is a trend not all have jumped on.