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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card?

151 replies

Catscrat · 24/09/2017 20:52

DH and I have just attended our 4th wedding of the year so this is fresh in my mind...

I've noticed a trend the last couple of years, of the happy couple not sending a thank you card/note for the gift you bought them. When DH and I got married 8ish years ago, I painstainkingly wrote out 100+ thank you notes for the presents and vouchers we'd received and was happy to do so. We had several friends get married around the same time and received cards from them thanking us for the gifts we'd given. However without exception, the last 2 or 3 years we haven't received a single thank you after any of the weddings we've attended.

Is it just me who thinks this is a bit rude? On any other occasion (birthday, Christmas etc) you'd expect the person to whom you'd given a present to say thank you, whether it's a text, card, email or in person, and I don't see how a wedding is any different? Particularly when you've spent £50-100 on a present (as we normally do at weddings) it just seems a bit rude for the couple not even to acknowledge it...feeling a bit huffy about it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thetruthfairy · 24/09/2017 22:31

I didn't send all of the thank you cards purchased after my wedding 😳😳 I still have them and it's been years...
I bought them, started them and then my pregnancy symptoms started (honeymoon baby!) I was then v v sick for the next 4 months. I think by the time I felt well enough to function I felt embarrassed that they would receive them so late.

This still makes me feel really bad now.

stares at drawer and considers starting them 5 years after the event

EnglishGirlApproximately · 24/09/2017 22:33

I'm in the minority here but I really don't like thank you cards, a verbal thank you is enough for me. I think it's so wasteful to send out endless cards that are going to go straight in the bin, I feel much the same about Xmas cards, thank you teacher, congratulations....

coddiwomple · 24/09/2017 22:37

Edge people on this forum do belong to the real world and most of them do think cards are the polite thing to do.

However, you taking the time to contact people years later must have been really appreciated. Without knowing the reason, I would laugh if a friend thank me years later! It's not insulting not to receive a card, and not the end of the world.

WaxOnFeckOff · 24/09/2017 22:40

I dunno really, we attended a wedding a few weeks ago and handed over our gift to the B&G at the wedding and although they didn't open it, they said thank you at the time. I don't expect anything else from them.

However, we did send out thank yous to everyone after ours which was over 21 years ago. i guess we probably thanked a lot of people in person too at the time but still sent a card.

I'm only bothered if I've posted something, so it's good to get something from the recipient (or their parents) just to let me know it's arrived. I'm happy with a quick facebook message though.

LibertyHill · 24/09/2017 22:40

I don't mind if I'm at the wedding and the bride and groom thank everyone for coming and for the gifts, I don't need them to thank me again with a card.

I have however sent a gift but been unable to attend the wedding and didn't get any kind of thank you, how rude!

WaxOnFeckOff · 24/09/2017 22:43

Traditional wedding etiquette is that you write your thank you letters on the day you get the gift. That was in the days when you didn't take presents to wedding receptions but sent them to the brides house beforehand.

Remember the "Show of Presents" evenings they used to have? Can you imagine doing that now? I think times have changed, people tend to marry later and already have stuff, people give less traditional gifts and maybe more money than before. Our last wedding gift was a restaurant voucher and a token thing to open.. I really can't imagine them displaying it for people to come round and look at.

tippz · 24/09/2017 22:52

Going against the grain here.

I think if I thank someone when they give me a gift, I shouldn't need to write a hand written note or letter.

Also, the bride and groom at a wedding would thank people for all their gifts at the wedding. So, I think it's a bit mad to expect someone to write a 100 thank you cards to be honest, (when they have already thanked people at the wedding,) and it would seem like a chore.

I would rather people didn't give me anything, than give me a gift and then crow and moan and think badly of me because I hadn't produced a neatly crafted hand-written 'thank-you' note for them.

If I am 'staggeringly rude' for not writing out 100 personal thank-you notes for every last gift I get for my wedding, or at my 40th birthday party - even when I thanked everyone at the time - then so be it, I shall have to be staggeringly rude. Confused

JMO.

CosyFires · 24/09/2017 22:55

Do you mean a no thank you card or a no thank you at all?

I will not be doing thank you cards after my wedding, fuck that! I'll be either phoning people to thank them or saying it to their face.

tippz · 24/09/2017 22:57

The OP said she wrote 100 hand-written thank-you notes @CosyFires.

As you said 'fuck that.' I would thank everyone at the time, and would not, in a million years, be hand-writing 100 thank-you notes after the event.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 23:04

She didn't have to write them all herself though tippz

50/50 between her and her DH

10 per day is certainly doable.

CosyFires · 24/09/2017 23:12

She didn't have to write them at all. A simple thank you on the day or next time you see them is good enough. If you're not going to see them any time soon, a quick phone call will do!

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 23:14

I agree Cosy. I think as long as thank you's are given it doesn't matter which form they take.

Waterfeature · 24/09/2017 23:15

I send presents every year to teenagers who don't even acknowledge let alone thank. It's crap. YADNBU.

tippz · 24/09/2017 23:26

She didn't have to write them all herself though tippz

50/50 between her and her DH

10 per day is certainly doable.

@WorraLiberty

Are you kidding?

I have better things to do with my life than spend every day for a week, sitting with my new husband writing out tedious thank you notes for 100 people who got us gifts for our wedding, when we already thanked them at the wedding.

I also have better things to do with my money than spend almost SEVENTY QUID on stamps. (In addition to what I spent on the cards and envelopes.)

As I said, I would rather people bought me nothing, than act sniffy and arsey, and run my name into the ground, and say I'm an ungrateful bitch because I didn't send them a hand written thank you note, (after thanking them in person anyway!)

I think it's a bit precious actually! And I can't believe any normal person would expect it (when they had already been thanked.)

I mean WHY? Why do people need a hand written thank you note? It's just weird! Confused

tippz · 24/09/2017 23:29

I think if people are going to get into such a massive tizzy, over people not handcrafting a special letter for them, thanking them for their gift, they should stop buying things for people.

You're all going to make yourselves ill with the worry and the stress of not receiving those thank you notes!!

Fuck me! I get pissed off with the 'first world problems' meme, but it is very much appropriate here!!

holdthewine · 24/09/2017 23:30

2 of my DD have married in the last few years and have written a hand written thank you card for each gift. We have also received same from everyone to whom we've given a gift. Personally I don't care how long it takes people to write, it's just good to get the acknowledgement.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 23:30

I wasn't talking about you tippz

I was talking about the OP who obviously wanted to send 100+ thank you cards. She didn't have to do it all herself but obviously chose to.

FWIW I'm firmly with you on this.

A thank you is a thank you, so no need for a card if it's already been said.

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/09/2017 23:31

I find thank you cards kind of boring tbh. I did them for my wedding, but I don't care if I don't receive them. If I've sent something by post I like to know it arrived, but if I've handed it over then I know they got it and I don't need an acknowledgement.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 23:32

I'm also getting the impression from a few posters on this thread that handwriting the thank you cards, appears to be 'women's work'?

zippydoodaar · 24/09/2017 23:38

When were the weddings?

It took me months to write our thank you letters. Long honeymoon, moving house, very ill family member and stressful full time job didn't help!

ChildOfWoe · 24/09/2017 23:46

YANBU

I have been to 3 wedding and 2/3 didn't receive any form of thanks at all.. it's not a trend it's just rude.
One of the couples we had all clubbed together & bought a ticketmaster voucher for nearly £200, not so much as a single text of thanks.. we ended up sheepishly questioning whether they'd actually received it or if it had gotten lost, but yes they had received it.. just didn't think to thank any of us.

Other couple, the wife actually had the audacity to tell a friend as a pre wedding "tip" that not writing thankyou cards had saved them so much hassle & money on postage...
oh and that they had forgotten what everyone had bought them anyway.. Hmm

crazyhairdontcare · 24/09/2017 23:47

I've been to three weddings recently and received very thoughtful personal thank you cards. It's not a 'new thing' to not send cards, it's just plain rude.

sugarplumbum2 · 24/09/2017 23:49

YABaLittleBitU

I wrote my thank you cards to my side of the family. DH didn't write his. His family are still waiting - despite me even writing out a paragraph of what to say.

So, it might not be her fault, but his!

ChildOfWoe · 24/09/2017 23:49

@PumpkinPiloter Do you at least say thankyou via some form of message or in person though? Not saying anything is rude in my opinion.
If someone has taken the time & effort to put together a gift it's just common manners to say thankyou to them.

Classic450 · 24/09/2017 23:57

Its plain rude not to receive a thank you Preferably best by card ...