Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

'She's never spoken to either of us since we said the arrangement wasn't working out and we were calling a halt to it. She won't even let her DS play with any of our kids.'

Good, because the less you have to do with her, the better. She's not just a CF, she's a cunt.

Good, because the less you have to do with her, the better. She's not just a CF, she's a cunt.

There are For Sale signs outside her house. I'm praying it sells.

Apparently she wants to move somewhere neighbourly :D

She called a meeting to sort out the "flaws" in our arrangement and was furious when we refused to change it

Thank god for that

Darth, could you install some temporary fencing like bamboo screens until the hedge grows back? (Paid for by new "naive" CFNs obv)

CFEX ds1 wanted guitar lessons I paid his dad did not I bought him a guitar his dad wanted to buy him one too his mom said he could buy hers for £25 I asked to see if it was the right size for him but she refused to let it out of the house without payment (he lives there and could pay his mom anytime) he didn't have the money so I put 25 in his account then she declared she wanted a further 35 for the bag I said no we have one just the guitar please she then allowed him to have it for a fiver he has generously decided to pay the fiver "for me" so now I've apparently bought my son two guitars and everyone is appalled that I have a,paid for a gift for my son from his father and b, his grandmother actually charging her own grandchild for something she never uses I'm not being funny but in my family we give stuff away all the time if it's no use to one it will be useful to another

Sorry she sold the bag for a fiver I still paid full price for the guitar

And no she doesn't need the money

I gave a massive bag of boys clothes to a former friend (think an entire wardrobe and some, really lovely clothes), as she asked and I've always liked to pass on. A week passed and I was on the hunt for a cheap cheap interim stroller as mine was broken - getting fixed - said neighbour said oh don't worry about that I've got one in the loft you can have. OK great, rang my doorbell with a battered broken stroller and said that's £20 please I was too gobsmacked to say anything I coughed up!

Same former friend also landed me with their child to "sort a family emergency" and returned 10 hours absolutely pissed.

I was visiting my Dad at the chapel of rest when I had a text from my Uncle asking for my dads living room tv set. He had already filled a car with my Dads worldly goods and made a return trip for a book of Dads that I had. Fucking vulture.

TroubledTribble I am sorry to hear that. It is such disgusting behaviour at such a devastating time.

This may put me but what the hell.
My DBro has form for all sorts of cheeky fuckery that he seems to charm his way through. Really took the biscuit when he asked to borrow my car - a 1.2l 10 year old fiesta. That I needed for work. To drive him, his gf and her two kids to Poland!! (we are in northern England)

This was particularly cheeky since not only did he have his own car, it was newer and much better than mine.

He had no answer for me when I asked what he'd do with my less than reliable motor if (when) it broke down in Eastern Europe; how I was supposed to get myself to work for however long he proposed to be away for; who was going to pay for the insurance on my car to cover driving it the width of Europe.

He had the nerve to cut contact with me for 3 months because I said no! Then probably slagged me off to anyone who would listen , unreasonable bitch that I am!!

TroubledTribble28 how awful. I work in a care home and unfortunately see the vultures come out a lot. People who barely or never so much as called let alone visited their relative. Then they come looking for whatever they can get, rifling through their things for anything worth flogging. Absolutely disgusting behaviour but clearly they have no shame.

I just posted this in classics but...

I'm still mortified at this 10 years later.
At work my team had a team bonding day in the main boardroom and we were told at the start of the day by HR who organised it that they were ordering us pizza for lunch. When we were given a lunch break most of us just went back to our desks, checked emails etc and the pizza came. Two pizzas were delivered to share between 30 ppl which I thought was starnge as obviously it wasn't enough food so I only took one slice and went back to my desk. (Should have realised only a couple of ppl getting pizza). Cue dagger looks from some colleagues around the office. Ten minutes later a manager came over and asked me to pay for the pizza as one of his workers had bought it himself for his team not HR! HR decided not to order pizza even after saying they would and somehow I was the only person who didn't know!? I was literally mortified that I just apparently helped myself to someone's lunch! I was too embarrassed to even go and say sorry or give him some money for it blush. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me!

I also have a CF friend who invites herself round ours a lot and brings things like donuts or crisps and dip but always takes them back with her and seemly hides them on the counter in a bag or fridge until she's going home . She came round for drinks once and bought a small can like the individual cocktail sized can of Pimm's.... Just one can, drank all our wine then left with said can! She notorious for asking me if she can have my oldest ds clothes shoes etc when he's grown out of them even though her ds has bigger feet and in clothes two sizes bigger than my ds!? I think she wants to sell them on to be honest. She's always saying they're broke like it's.my duty to give her stuff because of this
Mil and her family are awful. Mil gives us a list of presents she wants for Xmas (she gets none of it btw ) and we can't visit any of H relatives without him being roped into DIY projects. Two weeks ago we dropped into his nans on a passing visit and he ended up laying a small patio!

Many years ago I worked in an office, all the folks there got on well but there was one girl A who used to come in every day dressed in power suits would wander about looking efficient but do very little work.
Overall big boss was retiring and it was decided that his party should be incorporated into the office Xmas party.
There was a budget arranged and we all chipped in and I was asked to organise the food etc. Everyone got involved bringing a dish off a prepared list and was pleased at how well it had all come together.
The only person not involved was A as she had gone to Tenerife for a "break" but she was back for the day of the party.
When the retiree arrived at the party A busied herself sort of re-arranging the spread.
The retiree gave a speech thanking A for arranging and organising the party and presented her with a bouquet as a thanks for all her efforts.
Everybody was gobsmacked and speechless and her smug grin was a sight to behold!
I was so cross that she was taking all the praise for all the work that I and everyone else had done.

I just remembered the same CF friend I gave her a bnwt baby outfit to for her newborn and was shocked to see on Facebook that she had in fact gifted it to her very best friend at her baby shower! Cheap much? I wish said something now grrr

Dd works at an attraction and gets many free tickets. She made some new friends from out of the area a few months ago. Wasn't long before they had managed to get free tickets out of her for the attraction.
The day they came dd went out for a meal with them (they didn't do much as buy her a drink) and hung in the hotel for a while with them watching Netflix on her laptop. They left and barely spoke to her again.

At this point dd learns her CF life lesson, but 2 weeks later I was watching Netflix (family account) when I see the names of one of the CF's on our account list. Cheeky twat had watched DD put in her password and set up his own fucking account.
DD is now rather wary of new friends.

A few years ago I went out for a meal for a friend's 30th. I was a bit skint and couldn't really afford a night out, but for a big birthday I made the effort.

Luckily (or so I thought) for vegetarian me, the only veggie option was very cheap. The couple opposite me, on the other hand (who I'd never met before) were really going to town. Both had the most expensive starter available and the most expensive cut of steak, plus a bottle of wine. Then when the bill comes he announced, without a word to anyone else first, 'X shouldn't pay on her birthday - let's split hers between us!'

I was a bit peeved that they hadn't discreetly asked people if they were happy to do this, but I thought 'hey ho - it's only going to be a couple of quid each' as there were a lot of us. But no - they weren't expecting us to pay a share of friend's meal on top of our own. They wanted to add it to the bill and split the entire thing equally. Their 'share' didn't even cover their mains - while I paid £22 for a veggie burger and a beer. Others must have also had cheap meals, or otherwise the total would have been even higher.

I wouldn't have minded quite so much, but they made a massive point of playing Lord and Lady Bountiful about it. When my friend thanked everyone, he jumped in and said 'Don't be silly! Of course we wouldn't let you pay for your own meal on your birthday!' I was enraged. I wanted to scream at them that they hadn't even paid for their own meal, not even half of it - but who wants to be the one to make a scene on someone's birthday? Then because I was sitting opposite them I had to listen to them congratulating each other on how glad they were to 'have been able to pay for X's meal' 😡😡😡😡

This reminds me of a works meal out that was arranged. One of the girls was getting married and it was decided amongst us that we would split the bill evenly & pay for the hen on top. To my shock CF colleague ordered starters, the most expensive main. a pudding and a bottle of wine to herself then refused to pay her equal share. She put down half of what everyone paid and bailed out. So we ended up covering her share Though if we calculated her total meal cost it would have been double the price of her 'equal share'. I was pissed but by Monday; it was old news.

Until CF colleague made a special effort to give a few colleagues £5 each because they were her 'friends' and she didn't think it was fair that they paid the money they did. The £10 she handed over still didn't cover her share! But it was clearly just a gesture for the sake of trying to appear less tight than she is is. I will add that these colleagues accepted the cash but didn't offer to split this with the rest of the group... 😤

On another note my workplace is full of CF'ers! DD painted a mug for me so I've taken into work to use (it won't get confused with anyone else's!)... anyway it's blatantly obviously that a child has attacked the pottery with every single colour of the rainbow. It's not a bad attempt by a not so colour shy seven year old! I've had lots of nice compliments though one CFer has wound me up the wrong way by simply saying

'What, is that meant to be a rainbow?'... indeed it certainly looks like every rainbow you see - arches of red, green, yellow, blue... you get the picture.

Anyway CF bitch now knows She can fuck right off.

All same friend: 1) forgetting about teacher training days so having emergency look after her child days as I had checked the school calendar and booked the leave already. Annoying as I'm a lp and between her and her dp they could have sorted it. 2) dropping her son who is 3 years younger than than mine off "to play as he really wants to see" my boy- unexpectedly one bank hol weekend whilst she chills at home and her dp goes into town. 3) publicly posting on fb to slag me off when amazing hospitality hasn't been offered when dropped in on unexpectedly after being told it wasn't a good time . Grrr

I actually had the opposite of CF moment recently. I went out with work colleagues.

Some of us had starters, some didn't (I did). Some had wine, some didn't (I did). But not only that, only I wanted red wine, so I had a bottle to myself. When the bill came, it was announced it was so much per person. I was insistent that wasn't fair and tried to pay what I knew I had spent but was shouted down.

I did insist on paying for a drink in the next bar we went to but I am sure that someone will have ended up out of pocket. I hate it - i'm used to people paying for what they had so you can order what you like!

Rainbows reminds me of the time l organised a holiday in Spain for my Dd 30th birthday and invited her closest friend along too. I never thought about her being a smoker tbh as here in the UK obviously not a problem but in many places in Europe obviously people still smoke in restaurants cafes etc and from day one every bastard time we sat down to a coffee or a nice restaurant meal she would light up even asking for a fecking ashtray when the menus were brought to us. Dd and l both lifelong non smokers and really bothers me so l said something to her so she starts just making this big gesture of holding the fag out to the side slightly behind her which when your sat in a breezy taverna or under air con makes zero fecking difference. So l asked if she could please just not smoke at the table or go outside. So next thing she appowars at the open window alongside our table and carries on a conversation with Dd ( l was so angry l couldn't speak to her by this point) whilst exhaling her smoke straight in our faces imbetween sentences. Ruined the holiday as l had a huge row with both of them ( dd was trying keep the peace and l felt she was taking sides basically even though she loathes cigarette smoke too ) and l wouldnt mind but it cost me a fortune and she wouldn't even have been there had l not been good enough to invite her. and l paid for the accommodation and flights and planned it for a year

'she appears at the open window'

Moved into new house with (now ex) DH which had an old banger parked on our drive. CF NDN pops round to introduce himself and say that it's his. The house has been empty for a bit before we moved in so he'd basically been using the drive as his personal parking space. He said he'd move it soon and being pushovers not wanting to start things off on the wrong foot we said fine. Cue 6 months later and it's still there.

In the meantime we had asked him to knock down our garage (he's a builder), so he moved the old banger and dumped it in our front garden (diagonally across over grass, plants etc) and then cut down my car port!!! He said it was because he couldn't fit the JCB underneath to get to the garage but he didn't ask AND he'd already told me that he hated it.

It took another 6 months for him to move the car, and only because I cried. He now rents the house out and all the lovely neighbours who have lived there have complained about him being a crap landlord and moved on. The current tenants have the JCB in their back garden, the poor sods.