Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

Used to live in Edinburgh and a CF friend asked if we could put a friend up for a night. On asking further, it turned out she meant 4 backpackers she barely knew for 5 nights for free! Same CF also reappeared after 2 years' radio silence trying to hit me up for twenty quid so she could go out. I said no and she asked to borrow my bank card!

I basically told her to fuck off and that was the last I heard of her. Using cow!

Was once volunteering at a local village show which was being held to raise money for upkeep of the community village hall. One of the events to raise money was a large raffle which brings in most of the profit for the event, CF had bought several raffle tickets and was really upset that she hadn't won anything so stormed up to the organisers (all volunteers giving up their weekend to help out in the community) afterwards to (very aggressively and rudely) demand her money back - her justification being that not all of the tickets had been folded the same amount of times so the whole thing was 'unfair and unlawful'.

She bloody got her money back as well

This one definitely deserves to be here!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3212226-I-house-sat-for-some-freinds-and-theyve-billed-me?pg=1

Neighbours at the back of mine sent their 7 year old round to play with DD (few mins walk) to ours one Sunday morning in a full on piss down of biblical proportions. Sure he was equipped with rain coat and brolly which I had to remove and leave in my hallway to soak my soddin' carpet. Obviously didn't occur to them to wait 10 mins to see if the rain eased off or anything sensible.......

Shortly after that DD went round to his house one dry afternoon to play only to be sent away by the parent as 'Soggy Boy' already had his other friend round to play and obviously she was superfluous to requirements.

I really hated those CFs!!!!

forcryin I have a friend who has treated me as superfluous to requirements in the past.
She’s flakey as a dry croissant so often turns up late for something arranged or not at all. What really annoyed me during a 3 week period was when she tried to meet up with me, but because I wasn’t available right then, I suggested meeting another time. She replies she’ll let me know nearer the time. So a week goes by and she still hasn’t texted so I text to ask her whether she’s thought about tomorrow yet and whether shed still like to meet up. She tells me she’s meeting another friend.
I don’t make plans with her anymore but if she happens to be around and I was going for a coffee anyway, then I may text her to say she’s welcome to join me.

Must contribute something to this thread. To do otherwise would be CFery!
This is another one about a meal.
Dave was promoted to team leader and a couple of Contractors in the team suggested that we all go out for a meal to celebrate. Most of us were not as well off as the contractors but went along with it, like you do.
At the meal (as you’d expect?) the CF contractors had the best of everything, most expensive meals and posh wine followed by Drambui. When the bill arrived, they proclaimed that Dave should pay as the meal was to celebrate his promotion.
Dave laughed in their faces and refused to pay for it all. They grumped and then said, “Well we’ll all just split the bill then.”
Dave told them that several of us had eaten pasta and drunk water as we couldn’t afford more and that he wouldn’t let us subsidise the Contractors and insisted that everyone just pay for their own meal.
They both blew up at the “unfairness" of it, pointing out that the old team leader never did it like that. Then, after people had put the money in, one of them said he didn’t have enough cash to pay for his meal and would use his card. So, he clearly had never intended to pay for the full meal he was devouring!
As they left the restaurant, Dave said to the Contractors “Make sure I don’t see that meal being charged back to the company.”
I don't think they ever forgave him.

Wow @subsy1a 😱 I like Dave.

Worked with a girl (waitressing) who had to leave work at three to pick up her kids from school, so she got all the decent lunch trade tips for doing noon until three, but never had to turnover the restaurant and do the side work and ‘dirty’ jobs for evening service. Irritating, but tolerable . . . had she in fact been picking the kids up. No - she got another mum to pick them up and give them tea, and she’d get them around six. Similarly, she’d ‘manage’ to get a babysitter for some evening shifts - but only from about seven until nine thirty. So, handsome tips, but no one am finishes and aching feet and bin juice dripping down her leg. But she wasn’t going home at ten - she was shagging her sloe-eyed Brazilian toyboy at his flat, and her NDN was popping around to check the kids were ok about every hour, before CF dragged herself and her exhausted fanny through the door at midnight. Still livid about it. Plus - we all had to do two out of four Christmas shifts - C’mas Eve, Boxing Day, NYE, NYD. Except she did none - ‘I’ve got kids!’ and I did all four. When Valentines Day rolled around, everyone who had a bf or gf GOT IT OFF while the rest of us sexless losers had to work. I pointed out that I shouldn’t have to, citing the four seasonal shifts I’d done, and the fact that she didn’t (by this time) have a bloke, either. Whaddya know - she and her ex-husband ‘were making a go of it’, apparently, and having a meal on VD as part of this (fictional) rapprochement. Still seethe when I think of it.

Subsy did the one who paid on his card pocket the tip as this is a well known CF tactic!!

I took my friend for a meal to cheer her up. I'm not drinking because I'm pregnant but of course didn't mind her drinking, until she very quickly got legless on two Bacardi, and admitted she'd had a bottle and a half of wine before meeting me. She insulted the waiter, sent her food back because it was "too spicy and couldn't they see she's English" (she ordered a vindaloo despite me telling her what this was) then had two desserts because the first one wasn't what she expected..
I ended up having to take her home and put her to bed!
Furious. She's getting McDonalds next time. (If I can stand a next time!)

@Figgygal

I can’t find Mexican House thief! Any clue how I can find it?

@Foodissuesnoneed

It's on a thread in classics. I can't do links as I'm on my phone but I'll give you something to search for.

Mexican house thief. Have a search using this info.

Thanks @Parent

SIBSEY.. Go Dave..!!!

A couple of Christmases ago I sent my niece and nephew a clothes package. Took me ages to choose the right sort of stuff for them. Anyway passed them over near Christmas and got a message Christmas Day saying thankyou and such from my sister. No worries there, but a few days after i saw that my she had listed (and sold) them on eBay for 99p! Each bundle cost me near enough £15. I was very pissed off.

AmazinglyGrace I bought my niece and nephew some gorgeous clothes as a gift. Their CF mother took them back for a refund, then went to the market with the money! And no, they weren't hard up, just tight.

@tillytoodles1

I would never do that! Im grateful for anything my kids get!

Sister-in-law is a gold star cheeky fucker theres loads i could write about but the main ones are

chasing our mortgage advisor about our 're mortgage taking it's time as she needed the money for a new car, we were using it to fix the roof it was never offered to her but she would "pay it back monthly"

Insisting my parents (sil is husband's sister) have her kids up to play they live in their business think b&b this is also the busy season for them so nowhere for kids to play including my own when visiting and when I said no winged to her mum, I'm on great terms with mil, who then messaged me thinking a day had been agreeded I had to then explain I'd already said no to sil who had also gone moaning to Dp while i was at work dp works in a similar industry so backed me up also dm has no interest in sils kids

She also keeps childcare secret 2 sets of relatives don't speak so set 1 has her kids from breakfast till 3 sil then picks up kids and drops them to set 2 for tea bath and Pjs who then drop kids home at bed time both sets of relatives have had surgery recently and their health is bad, her eldest doesn't even use half her free nursery hours so no need for it

There's so much more she's done it makes for great entertainment

We viewed a house with a really long back garden. The vendor said it was ideal to sell as a building plot, so the price reflected the fact that you were paying for the house plus a building plot. Except the existing house and garage filled the front width of the property from fence to fence so it wouldn't be possible to get past the house to access the plot! No problem, said the vendor - next door has a drive down the side of their house, just put a gate in the fence! He genuinely thought he could build another house in his back garden and next door wouldn't object to their drive becoming a shared drive to access the new house! Needless to say he was delusional and we did not buy the house.

I went away for two weeks over Christmas, there was a big A4 note on the front door of the communal block declaring me to be a 'bad professional ', then on every shared door, the landing etc. Finally on my flat door a very long note from tenant above me with a list of times I had disturbed everyone in the block with loud sex, with direct speech quotations like ' give it to me', all within the time frame I was out of the country for.

I then had to reply with equally big notes all over the place declaring my innocence. About a week later my ceiling was flooded, she had taken very hard drugs and ran a bath and fell asleep. It took the police and a plumber all night to sort it out. She left soon after that and donated her manky mould-framed microwave on my step.

Gran and Grandad had a mentally disabled daughter who still lived with them and qualified for a mobility car. Plus my DF and his sister who were both grown up with their own families. Grandad was the driver; Gran didn't have a driving licence and neither did my DF. When Grandad was taken to a hospice to die, my aunt helped herself to the car keys because she was the only family member with a driving licence to drive disabled aunt's mobility car. Apparently she thought she'd pick up Gran and disabled aunt a couple of times a week for grocery shopping and lunch, and the rest of the week she would have the use of the car for herself and her DC! Gran laughed and told her to get lost, as she fully intended to hand back the mobility car and receive a cash alternative so she could pay for taxis.

I lived in a flat with my DH a few years back. We were 1st floor and rented. The couple downstairs owned their flat.

We had a few friends over for drinks for our Birthday. (Mine and DH birthdays are 2 weeks a part so we usually have a joint thing)

CFN lady shows up very upset as our toilet pipe is leaking. (Unbenownst to us at that moment) horrible right? It's leaking in our bedroom (eww) down through the walls and they can hear dripping.

We try to call our landlord. Didn't think we would get very far as it was Saturday night at 2am so agreed we would call them in the morning and avoid flushing the loo untill then.

Not enough for CFN. She waltzes in like she owns the place, goes to our bathroom, takes one of our brand new white towels and wraps it round the leaking toilet pipe. She then announces that she will call dinorod and that she will send the bill to our landlord. Pesters us for ages for his direct number. (We refused to give it out as we knew from prior experience that he doesn't want her having it due to excessive harassing from her over a trivial issue) so we knew he had asked her to email in future if she had any grievances with him.

Let her dog into my flat. One of our guests was allergic. Kept coming and going at her convenience.

She then got her DH involved who decided to turn off our water completely at the mains as they didn't trust us not to flush the loo for 24 hours.

My DH then got involved and ripped him a new one for the water situation.
He had to tell them to stay out of our home. That we would not turn away any plummers they may send over but we can't guarantee our landlord would foot the bill and we would call him first thing in the morning and not flush the loo untill then. She went absolutely mental.

She sent an emergency plummer over (who we obligingly let in at 4am in the morning) Who says that the landlord needs to deal with it as he doesnt have permission to do the work.

A few days pass. They had sorted a temporary fix which had sorted the situation but final works needed to be done to ensure it didnt happen again in a few months time.

CFN downstairs wanted to be kept updated, so we kept them in the loop, they knocked incessantly, multiple times every evening in case they had missed updates. Then one morning at 5am the DH knocked at the door multiple times demanding an update, as they hadn't heard from us in all of 12 hours.

I'd had enough by then. Id tried to be as co operative as possible given the grizzly situation. Basically indicated that he was damn lucky that it was me he had woken up at 5am and not DH (He is NOT a morning person)
That we will be in touch once work had been completed and for him not to knock again or else it WILL be my very angry DH that deals with the situation.

I get that it was a totally horrible situation but the way they dealt with it was insane.

This is quite minor in the annals of CF'ery, but when I was in my 20's a colleague and her husband were moving from a flat to a house they had just bought. Money was tight, so rather than hiring movers they asked friends to come over and help and they rented a lorry.

It was summer and a very hot day. I'd been helping my friend pack boxes and carry them out to the truck. Her parents were there, supposedly to help. Instead they installed themselves in the kitchen of their flat and "supervised" the volunteers rather than doing any lifting or carrying. I'd guess they were in their 50's and appeared perfectly healthy.

I came back into the house and went into the kitchen and got a piece of paper towel (kitchen roll I think you call it) to wipe the sweat off my face. Her mum gives me a dirty look and makes some comment about taking it easy with the paper towels as "they're so expensive" and they'll be taking the roll to the new house.

I came within a millimeter of telling her mum exactly what to do the the roll but instead said "They're not as expensive as hiring movers". I almost left then and there but decided it wouldn't be fair to my friend, as her mum was the CF, not her.

I think they did pay for takeaway pizza and drinks when we were done. Not the parents, the couple.

Figgygal - just found mexican house thief story. Thanks for the heads up.
Hands down, most amazing cf story I've read!😂
That poor woman though. 🙁