Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

KC225, I was gobsmacked and wanted to do the same to that CF. Disgusting, yet typical, behavior.

Not a biggy but..

I went on a date recently, I don’t expect a guy to pay for me, but when the bill arrived he wanted to split it cool with me, he pointed out I’d ordered a side (he ate half of it) so that would down to me. He refused to tip and said he didn’t see why he should, they could just get a better paid job. On the way home I got a text saying he got a parking ticket, as he’d driven to meet me I should pay half... nope.

@MorganKitten omg I hope you're not seeing him again!!

Morgan, and I bet he wonders why he's single.

Yeah no he didn't get a second date - He's text me since asking when I'm free.

An ex friend of mine was an almighty CF. We used to be close until I found out she was using me as an alibi for an affair. I knew about the affair (and she knew I didn't approve) but not the alibi. How did I find out? Her boyfriend introduced me to his colleague at a conference and explained CF was always round at my house and had been there the night before. She hasn't been. I bluffed a bit and phoned CF later to tell me she was nearly rumbled and to leave me out of it.

There was other stuff but the last straw was going out for meals. She always chose the most.expensive dish on the menu and expensive drinks and then made us split the bill.

One night a big group of us met for a meal. She and her then boyfriend were already at the bar with a drink, turned out put on a tab they had started for the table. They ordered expensive cocktails as well as the shared bottles.of wine. They also ordered a bottle.of wine that disappeared.

Bill split (as usual) and CF informed us we were going to the (expensive) bar next door as it was good fun. We agreed (most of us with the silent understanding it would be for 1 drink then going) and once we got in, CF disappeared. Found her in a corner with other friends she had clearly dumped us for and they were all drinking wine, poured from CF handbag. The wine that had been ordered at the meal but had disappeared.

There was other stuff too.

Bumping this up as it’s kept me going for several days over a really rubbish week.

Any others??

I was working in a pub when I was 23 years old on a late shift. A young girl of around 16 years old came in with a few bags and asked to charge her phone, she was very upset and distressed. I took her to a plug and set her phone up on charge and got her a glass of coke.
I asked if she was ok and she began to become upset telling me of how she had just moved back from Spain, her stepfather was abusive towards her and her mother had kicked her out. She was charging her phone to get in contact with old friends for somewhere to stay the night. Her phone wouldn't charge so I ended up saying she could stay at my house for the night and we would sort her somewhere in the morning.

I took her home (my mum's house) reheated the spaghetti Bolognese my mum had made me and gave it to this young girl. She ate it, I then said she could have a shower which she did. I think changed my bed sheets and gave her my bed for the evening and I slept on sofa. The next morning after explaining to my mum why there was a young girl in my room, she told me to be careful as I had nice things and didn't know her. I said no mum she wouldn't steal anything as I had been so kind to her, people aren't that cheeky.

Found her aunt online, arranged to take her there to stay. Once I was back home realised my new jeans were gone, a bottle of purfume and a jumper. I was convinced it wasn't her and I misplaced them. My mum convinced me to send a text asking if she has 'accidently' picked them up. She said No, definitely didn't etc. Checked the washing basket again, by this time I realised she had taken my stuff. I then told her if she had any decency as a person she would return them and continued to say when somebody is kind enough to help you at low points in your life do not repay them in being an absolute cheeky fucking thief! 2 days later a member of staff in the pub said a bag for me had been left in the office.

She actually returned my stuff with a note saying 'sorry'.

Lou that was so nice of you. You probably taught her a valuable life lesson too, hopefully she won't do things like that again.

@MorganKitten Pleeease tell me you set him straight on the parking ticket? And that you told him why he is t getting a second date?!

Really tame considering all these but I was returning my trolley in Asda and almost at the trolley bay I see a woman getting a pound out of her coat (They all have chains on them) so I said to her ''Do you just want to use this one? Its dry.'' With a smile and she smiles and says ''Thanks!'' Then takes the trolley and goes to walk off!

I had to say, ''Excuse me, no I need the pound, mine is in that trolley''. She had the nerve to get all huffy and give me the pound out of her pocket.

Sorry love but I'm a student and a pound is a pound!

@motherofasurvivor ha not seeing him again and no I didn’t give him the cash

Thought of another one.
A girl I worked with grabbed my phone off me to take a selfie, dropped it and smashed it. We were working in america at the time and I was screwed without a phone. So I contacted my provider told them what happened, smashed screen/corrupted memory card. They said they said I was due an upgrade so could pay £250 to upgrade early and get the memory card fixed.
I told her that and she went ‘don’t worry daddy is used to paying for things I break’ she ordered a new one to my house so when I got back to the uk one was there, clearly a dodgy knock off version of the phone. I found out if I traded my broken one it would be payment to get my memory card fixed and get a years worth of photos back.
She kept messaging me telling me that my old phone belonged to her so I needed to send it to her, I explained what I was doing with the phone and she told me I had no right to do that as it belonged to her, I should just except that photos go and it was my fault for not uploading them. This went on for weeks and she said her dad lawyer would sue me. She tells everyone I cheated her out of money and how awful I am.
This is the same person who would split hotel rooms with people but would pay the tax side in the USA because Kits not the price on the web site - you sort it’

Misericord Thankyou for bumping, great to find some more CF tales here to keep me occupied

Not as cheeky as some on here but...

I got on a busy train, and I had a longish journey so was looking for a seat. A cats-bum-mouth woman was sitting on an aisle seat with her bag on the window seat, so I politely asked her if she could move her bag so I could sit down. She looked me up and down, rolled her eyes and then said ‘We’ll where are you getting off the train?’, as if to judge whether my need to sit was reasonable or not. Then, having decided that she would grant me my request, the Train Seat Keeper made a huge deal about lifting her bag into the overhead shelf, sighing and gesturing to her friend (another cats-bum-mouth who was on a nearby seat) as to how much inconvenience she was being put to. Then she plonked herself back in her aisle seat so I had to squeeze awkwardly past her to get to the window seat.

^Well not we’ll

We had regular BBQs, inviting many friends. They gladly attended, and I would ask if they could bring a bottle, but only when prompted.
This went on for several years.
I split with DH, and did not hold BBQ's anymore.
One of the group, who was on a huge salary, decided to hold a BBQ for said group. I asked what I should bring. She said 'Bring your own booze, plus £10 per head to cover the food'.
I declined, funnily enough!

Not major, but I have a friend who often asks me to "pick something up" for her on the way to meeting her or if she's in the middle of something and for some reason can't or won't do so herself. Most of the time it's okay as I would have been shopping for myself anyway, and she does pay me back too.

The worst one however, was when I was working in the same place as her and the staff restaurant were doing a special discount on a dish, and she emailed me to go and buy one for her rather than getting it herself. Luckily, I didn't read my emails until the end of the day, so I couldn't have done, but why does she think I am free to do this, given that I'm also working?

My ex husband, who I am on reasonably good terms with, has recently asked me if his new girlfriend of 2 weeks can borrow my sewing machine as she wants to learn how to sew. My brand new £299 computerised machine that is barely out of the wrapping.
I said no.
He then said, can she come round to your house to use it.
I said no.
We might not be staying on such good terms now.

DH's half sister, older than him, same DM, different DF. I'll refer to her as CFSil henceforth...

We grew up in the same street, CFSil would sometimes visit from London so I knew her kids as did a few of us as they were often out with my now DH (we were just friends back then but I had a major crush on him!). When his DF died, his DM fucked off with some bloke within a few weeks, leaving DH to fend for himself aged around 16 in a 3 bedroom house. No surprise that he suddenly got lots more friends and got into drugs but that's another story!
CFSil decided to go and stay with him to 'look after' him but it was obvious from the outset that she was there for her own benefit and definitely not his. Looking back, she was probably running away from debt... She was always running up debts in other people's names and years later it came out that she managed to forge her own mothers signature and spent all of DH's inheritance and the rest of what DMil had in the bank. We still don't know how much but we're talking tens of thousands at least. Nowadays it never would have happened, how she wasn't arrested is beyond me. DMil never did take any action and continued to 'let her off' throughout her later years when she continuously ran up even more debt in her name. We looked into financial abuse but without DMil's agreement there was nothing we could do. Sadly DMil passed away a few years ago...

Anyway, CFSil once hired a number of TV's from radio rentals back in the 80's/90's but never made any payments on them. Obviously radio rentals came knocking to enquire about payments or take the TV's back. Turns out she had put them in her DF's name so when they came, she told them he had died and somehow convinced them to let her keep them. He was alive and well (and no doubt oblivious to all of this) for many years later.

When I was a teenager, I used to babysit for her 3 DC's 2 or 3 nights a week while she was at work, but she never paid me a penny - I was young and extremely naive of course. She did once give me a pair of jeans that I liked though...

She invited herself to our wedding - we were going to just have parents & kids, small affair, no chance of that. After we married, she would invite her youngest DD & DS to stay with us for the weekend every now and then, somehow I always ended up having to do the journey (about an hour). It was OK when my DC's were having their weekend at their Dad's but I struggled to feed them all when we were all together. If I could have afforded it, it wouldn't be an issue at all but I was working part time and DH had only just moved into the area (to marry me!) so he wasn't working yet. You can't put a price on family though so I didn't say anything. Then she asked if DN (11yrs) could come and stay for 'a few days in the holidays' so we agreed but on the basis that a contribution was made to food and that she came to pick her up as I kept getting migraines from all the driving. All was agreed but instead of providing the contribution to food, she sent a few bags of cheap junk food that none of us liked, not even DN! We took her with us for days out with DC's, all sorts of summer activities and included her, she was family after all. I didn't like the way she spoke to my DC's and told her so, firmly but she was only 11 so I didn't take it too seriously. During the first week, we were shopping for something for dinner when DN asked if she could have a canned meal (not something we would usually have bought but she convinced us she really wanted it). Got home, opened the can, she didn't like it. Fair enough but I wasn't letting a child under my roof go hungry and it was pay day so I insisted we went to McDonalds or KFC drive through to make sure she had eaten.
By the second weekend, we had all had enough but CFSil had put off coming to collect her three times so I said we would be bringing her home on the Saturday, regardless. We arrived as agreed but CFSil wasn't there, she was out having her nails done and insisted that we leave DN home alone as she had a key and CFSil would be home soon. It took me a long time to get over the fact that we left her alone that day - we had to get back for my DC's. We did wait about an hour or so before finding out that DN had a key... A week later, we receive a phone call from DMil to say that CFSil is furious we hadn't fed DN and that I was stroppy and shouted at her too much (I wasn't a shouter back then, I've since grown a spine though!). Apparently we made her actually starve on more than one occasion despite having done the opposite

There are many more stories of her unbelievable cheeky fuckery towards so many people. We've had nothing to do with her since DMil's funeral. DH purposefully gave her his wrong mobile number so she couldn't harass us. Such a shame as we adored the kids and they had to put up with so much more than us. I'm a forgiving person but have learnt that it's just not worth it with her, she always has an agenda and is toxic. In some ways, I thank her because I've learnt from it and have spotted CF's coming a mile off and therefore been more than equipped to say NO , end of. Wow, this is cathartic!

CF to me: can i borrow £x? I get embarrased and hate saying no, if i can afford it i give it. Its always paid back. I know ill be asked before any school holidays as CF prioritises #makingmemories over saving money. I always then see them on facebook having a great time out and about.

Years ago when a student, a friend of a friend was looking for people to staff the bar at an all-night do her parents were hosting in a marquee at their farm. We were told we'd do bar work for a few hours, get a meal, and later we could get changed and join in the do when the next set of unpaid bar staff arrived, and we could stay overnight at the parents house. It would be a great laugh.

We arrived and had to set the bar up from scratch. We did get food but by midnight the guests were all plastered and increasingly obnoxious. The next set of bar staff hadn't arrived, as they didn't exist, we were expected to work all night unpaid. No one had shown us where we could sleep or even how to get into the house.

I nicked the ketchup, my mate nicked a litre of tequila and we effed off a bit after midnight. I'd love to know what happened to the bar for the rest of the somewhat posh do.

Mine is tame compared to these but it also involves a date. I was on a dating website and had a few dates from it, none amazing but all nice enough evenings. Then came CF date (CFD).

We went across the road from where I was working as CFD didn't want to travel anywhere. Fair enough, there was a restaurant over the road, albeit not the cheapest (this was in Knightsbridge - I worked at a famous department store there at the time).

During the meal, CFD talked about himself constantly. He did something with computers and told me all about the three screens he had going at once at home (the fact I can still remember that detail 12 years on speaks volumes...). Not once did he ask me a question about myself. We had really great service though, I remember thinking that the waiter was better-looking and more interested in me than my date was!

At the end of the meal, he lays out cash for his half in notes. I didn't have any cash, so paid my half on my card (no problem with splitting it). When his change comes on the little tray, CFD took the whole lot (about £4 I think). It stumped me because I only had a £10 and was going to put it on the tray and take his change so we'd left a decent tip for the great service. But he took the change the moment the tray had landed on the table. I said we should leave a tip as we'd had such good service and that I only had a £10 note and CFD just looked at me and shrugged, saying "they get paid".

Not the end of the world but I really felt like the service we'd had was worth a few quid. I left the tenner and didn't see CFD again, even though he contacted me several times on the dating site.

Several years ago our house was overcrowded and the local authority gave us permission to place a mobile home on a specific point in our front garden for my parents to live in so long as certain conditions were met.

A few days after the mobile home was cited we had a visit from the council because there had been a complaint about it. We showed them the letter giving us permission and the chap left. My parents were terribly upset so I contacted our local councillor, a lovely man who dropped everything and came to see us immediately, put our minds at rest and said he would try to find out who had made the complaint and what the grounds had been.

He came back a couple of days later - the complainant had been the man who lived diagonally opposite and his complaint was that the mobile home ruined his view of our garden!

My parents had always gone out of their way to be neighbourly and even let this guy's son park in our driveway when the neighbour was rushed to hospital - but the son had come out and told my kids off for playing in our garden in case they damaged his car - in our drive!

Fast forward a year or two. Grumpy neighbour's house is on the market and he came to the door to ask if it would be ok to leave his caravan in our garden as it was putting people off when they came to look at his house. My sweet kind mother who is the softest of soft touches shook her said sadly and said "I so wish I could but somebody caused trouble for us at the council because we have this mobile home and I would hate for them to complain again because we have a caravan as well. I really wish I could help you but I can't!"

Strangely, he never spoke to us again!

Oh I am glad this thread has been bumped