Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

I'm self employed as a clothing designer/maker - I make one of a kind, original garments and outfits, things that clients can't just roll up and buy in a shop, for people with physical issues that mean they can't buy ready made, that kind of thing. I got a phone call one Sunday morning from a man who told me his fiancee was out choosing her wedding dress and bridesmaid outfits. She would take photos in the shop and I'd then make the dresses cheaper, cos I'm "just" a home sew-er.

Uh......

Nope. Nope nope nopity nope.

My nephew worked for a while in a charity shop. He was plagued by customers wanting to take stuff for free because the shop hadn't paid for it. I presume they thought they were the charity that people had donated their stuff to.

I love a good CF story.

Got another one.

Bridesmaid with a dress that was too long for her. Got her into it, and into her shoes, and pinned it up. Did the alteration, she collected and paid for it....then phoned me to tell me it was too short and I'd ruined the whole thing.

Got her to bring it back and try it on again. With her shoes.

The different shoes.

The MUCH higher, different shoes.

Good job I'd taken photos of the original shoes at the first fitting. That CF could have cost me a LOT of money, just because she changed her sodding shoes. She "didn't think it would matter". Ha.

Ohwhatfuckery you have got me all curious now. I really want to know who the chef is. can you give us any clues without saying their name?

My aunt got my fathers ashes split into three without asking. CF

Ooooof, Trueheart, I'm trying to be dead vague, because I'd hate to get mn into any trouble, but it wasn't Antonio Carlucci (as he is no longer with us) Think of somewhere a bunch of youngish blokes might go.

Was it someone with the initials J.O. ?

SIL & BIL tried to force us to go away with them and some friends. DH knew the friends vaguely (from hometown).
This was before we had DC and between them and their friends they had 6 toddlers.
We didn't go and wormed our way out it.

SIL went ranting to MIL about us not going as I was meant to be babysitting all the toddlers on the Saturday night and I wouldn't mind 'as I wouldn't know anyone anyway'.

Yes - id love to spend hundreds of pounds to go away and look after 6 toddlers on my own. FFS....

My other one is my exBF (lives abroad) hugely unreliable but I put up with it, always been the same.
She was meant to be coming to stay with her new husband for a week, never showed. Couldn't get hold of her, turned out she'd had a more convenient offer!
We'd spent a fortune on food etc and wasted holiday.

Got an email suggesting we meet up year after somewhere we both would have to fly to. And seeing as we would need to have accommodation could we book a cottage and then they could also stay in it for free!

She was always unreliable (usually just very late) I think new DH is a twat though and it's down to him, although I've never met him so can't guarantee it

@ShowMePotatoSalad

expatinscotland everyone knows they do it and so many sandwiches get left because no one wants to touch them. The pub staff know about it - they can see them doing it, but they won't say a dicky bird because they wouldn't want to lose the custom of the group - old timers, been around years, loyal customers, blah blah. I swear to God it's tyrannical. And I agree with you, they are absolute mingers. I feel physically sick watching them pick their way through the food.

Get them to bring out one tray of sandwiches, let the pickers leaf through those, then bring out another tray.

I was really looking forward to my Hen do in London. I'd never been before. However, one of the invitees, part of our large friendship group, kept inviting more and more of her family and friends (and workmates) because London was their regular big night out place and they'd not been in a while so it would kill two birds with one stone. She could have that night out they were overdue and my Hen do in one. Except I didn't know any of her family, friends or workmates and the more she added the more uncomfortable I felt, like the Hen do was hardly anything to do with me. I ended up having to cancel and the rest of the Hens and I just went out for a meal. At home. Nowhere near London. It was nice I guess. Home by 10:30pm.

8 years later I've still never been.

@RowenasDiadem

But what's stopping you?

Moved to the other side of the country @SamanthaBrique plus couldn't afford it with the wedding and then children. Life got in the way. (Plus having to cancel my Hen really took the shine off it 😂)

@RowenasDiadem but why didn't you and the other hens just go to London?

It was a difficult situation. We were all mutual friends and us still going would have meant going with CF and her party Same train, same station etc. She'd completely hijacked my Hen do into her night out and i couldn't salvage it without it kicking off and me having to tell her why I didn't want to hang around with a bunch of strangers that outnumbered my hens. So I made the excuse that some of my family were unable to travel so the venue had changed. She went on her night and I had my own do.

I remember the skint days at my first job after uni, when I would on rare occasion go to dinner with a bunch of (mostly) CFs who would order from soup to nuts, while I carefully selected my dinner and kept an eye on my wine consumption...and then, of course, it would be "let's just split it." GRRRRR. These days, I tend to overpay, as I will have an extra glass of wine, but the attitude now is "oh, it doesn't really matter" -- however, I remember the old days and insist on paying more.

Two stories from uni days, and I believe the first on this thread to involve, um, illicit substances. My roommate had loaned her CFBF $40. He paid her back with 20 purple microdots, for which he paid $10, but she could sell them for $2 each. I pointed out that he had not repaid her in full, as she would be doing the (illegal) work to make up the difference, which was really his job. She refused to see my point (and not because of the PMDs), and went and earned the $40 he owed her.

Then, at a party, a CFF of mine asked me quietly, "Hey, you wanna go do some blow?" I agreed, followed her into a private room, and waited. She giggled, and said, oh, I don't have any, I thought we could do yours. (assuming I had some).

The only other CF stories I have involve rude relatives, usually after another relative has passed and they turn into vultures, but I'm sure most of us have similar stories. Otherwise, I'm lucky to have little to no interaction with CFs, and would swat them down if I did. Hope I didn't offend with the stories from uni, but those were different times, and my only vices these days are wine and cognac!

@Twuntsrule That reminds me of one of mine. DH's grandfather was in hospital dying. DF's cousins were actually arguing in the room about who was going to be getting what.
Nice DGFIL was unconscious (and I hope unable to hear anything!) And his "loving family" were sitting around his deathbed bickering over his stuff like vultures. I was mortified. DH too but he's used to his family by now.

An acquaintance is the CF I’ve ever met. I’ll start with her mother though.

Her mother is one of three children of an extremely abusive, vile man. He made sure he paid not a penny for his children and his wife lived in poverty. When he died he left a lot of money in various bonds etc. He died a few years ago but the three children who never saw any money from him growing up still get payouts regularly from these bonds. She decided a few years after his death that her errant father had seen her husband as a son and therefore he should also receive an equal share of these payouts.

The brother doesn’t know about this new arrangement as the amounts vary but the sister who is well off was so shocked she didn’t argue so it carries on. Apparently he’d picked him up from prison once and was very grateful.

Now to her daughter who was obviously well versed in CFness. There are two sisters and they had two little girls roughly around the same time. CF decided that as she didn’t earn as much as her sister, her mother should do all the childcare for her and none for her sister. Her sisters child therefore had to go in full time nursery until school. The mother went along with this instead of helping them both.

The mother is now not well enough to do childcare for anyone but CF still expects her mother to do the school run for her even though she doesn’t work or have any health issues.

She now refuses to work as she won’t pay for childcare. Why should she when she’s got a man who she’s arranged to work away and send her money so she rarely has to see him while she has affairs at home.

She expects her well off sister to pay for everything for her including a share of her bonus and tantrums if her sister holidays without her.

Makes me sick.

I volunteered in a charity shop and once had to deal with a customer who tried to haggle everything she wanted, despite me explaining this was for charity, and a shop with set prices, and not a market stall. We had a large donation of old stock perfume from a major retailer we were selling at a huge markdown price (think £15 instead of £40 for top designer brands etc). She threw a tenner on the counter and said she would pay that for 2. Um..nope. My manager explained exactly the same thing to her..

Then when it came to actually paying she sort of through a handful of change at me, and some of it slipped through the gaps in the counter/till. She then insisted it was all £1/£2 coins and because we’d lost them she wouldn’t pay and lose more money. So I asked some lads to help me and we moved the counter and heavy till and found..a small collection of 5ps and 1ps..not the mythical pounds she had claimed.

Eventually she left after only buying around a third of the items she’d originally pulled out, deciding not to get the rest and wasting everyone’s time. There was a huge queue by the time she had fucked off.

Just couldn’t believe her cheek. Some people have no shame!

One of the worst CF relative stories I have happened when my Grand was dying of a stroke in hospital. My CF aunt had been promised her diamond ring when she passed. Three nights in to what was six days of post-stroke dying, she decided to take it off my DG's finger as she laid there, out of it on morphine. It didn't come off easily. It took every ounce of strength I had not to leap across the hospital bed and shred the cunt.
At the funeral, the cunt daughter and twat SIL of CF aunt demanded to be paid their travel expenses to the funeral. They included car park receipts and meals. I threw a fit, but executor was so tired of their BS that she eventually reimbursed them. Took her time, fortunately. I have not spoken to that unlamented branch of twattish family since the funeral and am better for it.

Twuntsrule As the Executor she actually was not obliged to give them anything. The funeral is the 1st debt on an estate but does not include any refreshments or travel expenses etc only those things pertaining to the funeral itself. I used to work with deceased accounts and when paying funeral bills we would have been instructed to deduct any such amounts for food etc as we would have been taking the funds from the deceased's account. This was from our legal dept. Also the beneficiaries could have kicked up a stink as the amount of the estate had been reduced and therefore reducing the amount of their inheritance. Apologies for maybe TMI

Thank you, Celticrose. You're absolutely right. My third of the estate was reduced by a third of those twats' travel expenses. But the executor (my non-CF aunt) was so tired of dealing with all of those fuckwads that she just did it and reminded me that I came out way ahead (inheriting my mom's third of the estate). So, there's that. Small price to pay, I suppose, for erasing those twattish family members from my life!

I am astounded that someone would wrench the ring from finget of a dying woman. Truly shocked.