Regale me with Cheeky Fucker stories

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

I'm stuck in bed feeling ill, bored and pissed off with the whole situation, AIBU to ask you to entertain me with your tales of CFs?

BTW daily fail and other websites/newspapers can fuck off, my fee for this piece of journalism is 2 million pounds and a takeaway pizza, non-negotiable so if you don't agree to those terms then kindly FTFOTFOSM

The only one I can think of at the moment is last year when a neighbour knocked at our house, we get on great with most of our neighbours but this one looks down her nose at everyone and keeps herself to herself. She told me that I needed to make sure I was home the following day I asked why and was told I needed to be in for the delivery wasn't my birthday and didn't have anything ordered so I asked what was being delivered and how did she know "oh it's not for YOU tinkly laugh no, its from laura Ashley you see" still none the wiser I ask who it's for then and why do I have to be in "well because they said it will be tomorrow and I have appointments! I will be getting my hair done and of course my nails, so I've told them to deliver it here" she then walked off leaving me with my jaw on the floor. I made sure I was out the following day and just put the we missed you card through her door when I got home, not spoken a word to me since, but that isn't unusual for her anyway

Just remembered cf ex friend. .
Had mentioned she was seeing her solicitor to sort out her will - her dps had recently updated theirs and prompted her to.
Called at mine for coffee the next day and dropped into the conversation that her solicitor had asked her about her dc and what should happen to them if she died - nc with her db and exh a knob who doesn't see them.
So she gave her solicitor my details!!
Bearing in mind I have 6 dc under 16 as it is!!
Couldn't find my tongue so just smiled and silently wished her a long life!!

Friend's sister-in-law to be is the 'baby' of her family and, although nearly 30, still expects to be treated like a little princess - and sadly most of her family indulge her.

Friend and her fiancé had just been on a weekend break for his birthday. They are skint, as CF baby knows, so it took a bit of saving. However, this didn't stop her phoning them up soon afterwards saying she was going on holiday and 'Can you drop over any spare euros you have left over?' Not 'Can I buy them off you' or even 'would you mind if I...' - just 'drop them over'. When my friend told her they didn't have any she snapped 'You must have SOME. Why won't you help me out when I'm going on holiday?!' She of course went crying to mommy, who then tore a strip off her son and my friend for being so 'mean' and upsetting the princess.

But the most ridiculous part of it all? Her job specifically entails regular travel to France - meaning she uses euros all the time and is far more likely to have spare ones than anyone else!

A relative sold his house after his wife died. He went back to the house a few days after completion, let himself in to collect his post. Couldn't understand why I was so horrified.

this is precisely why I change the locks the day I move in

I started a new job along with several other new starters.

After three days, one of them asks if I can lend them £100 as her boyfriend had an emergency.

I said no. Someone else who started at the same time agreed and gave it to her.

Next week she got the sack.

Person who lent the money never got it back and was outraged and shocked.

I just looked at them like

A relatively minor one which stuck with me was when I was heavily pregnant. I had parked in a station car park and on my return I got in the car to drive off. I was flagged down by a young woman with a suitcase.

She explained that she had intended to take a taxi to her friend's house but had arrived at this station to find no taxi rank and could I drive her. Fair enough, the journey was only a few minutes out of my way so I opened the boot. The woman pulled a face at my muddy boot and then hopped into the passenger seat leaving a pregnant me to heave her luggage into the car.

In the car she asked me what I did and finding it appealing she asked me to sort her out with a job.

When we arrived at the destination she looked at me expectantly again but I put my foot down and told her to remove her own suitcase. I didn't follow up on her career enquiry.

My cf ndn likes to object to planning applications using my name and address

Noooooo rally !!!

That's the giddy limit !!!

How did you find out ??

And the c of cfs in my life ever. Neighbour down the road two DC similar in age to my dc. She worked funny hours, hospitality and asked if i could look after her two one Saturday. Ok, then next weekend, then after school. Yes I'm a big fat mug, but this went on for ages. Her dd came out with us, never given petrol money or spends. Finally it tails off. Then one afternoon her dd, now in yr 7, comes round, her sibling was elsewhere, no phones, no mum, house locked. I rang her work, she had the night off! So feed dd, who by then was frantic. Eventually I put her to bed, crying and left snotty note on door. Send her to school with dd in morning. I go to work. Dh comes in from nights, no clue. I stomp round after work, she'd gone out with new bf in another city overnight, db was supposed to be home, but had gone to his mates instead because his mum was away. Did she apologise or say thanks? Did she fuck.

Brilliant!

New neighbour introduced herself with a pheasant in her hands. Cooker had broken and could I roast it for her.... like now? No problem at all. We'd eaten. 48 hours later, could I cook a chicken ? Again, we'd eaten so it wasn't a problem.

Following week she's at the door with bag of gorgeous cooking apples from the garden of a family she works for. I was thrilled. Even Stevens.

Few days later, she's at the door looking miffed. She thought "the least you could have done was make an apple pie to say thanks for the apples,!"

I kid you not!!

Family member was going on a weekend away with their friends (several couples)
One dropped out - it's okay though as we will buy weekend off them apparently- we had NO interest in going away with them and we were in fact already on holiday that week - due back on the Saturday. Family member complains that we could go then even, hundreds of miles away from where we live after a week abroad. So definitely no...couldn't we still pay for it as it was OUR HOLIDAY... (we didn't)

They told everyone we had cost them money from dropping out of the weekend away?!?!

Walking my dogs on a very cold and very wet day. My jrt disappears into the undergrowth and won't come back. He's found a mobile phone (which he thought looked like a toy, obviously). I take it home and dry it out, then, finding it works, but battery almost dead, I retrieve a number and ring. " Oh great", they say, "Dropped it the other day", can you bring it round to...." (an address some miles away). What? I told them that if they wanted it, they better come and collect it or I would chuck it away. They turned up half an hour later and took it without a word of thanks. Next time I find a phone I'll leave it there.

In my job I can sometimes get free tickets to events and concerts - I always have to ask for them and they're given as a favour exchange so don't do it often.

XH who moved out six months ago and knows I only recently discovered he'd been cheating for two years prior to our split just texted asking if I can get free tickets to an upcoming gig of a faded 80s star.

And he means for himself and his GF he cheated woth

My FIL is shacked up with a complete CF. He's very well off and the minute they got together she quit her job for vague reasons and hasn't worked since. She spends all her time spending his money (booking holidays he says he doesn't have time to go on, buying new furniture every other week, getting the house remodelled when it's a sparkly new build, buying designer Christmas decorations etc etc.).
For a Big Birthday she organised him a massive surprise party (that he paid for). Two days before the party she randomly decided to invite two old friends of hers to stay with them, neither of whom he had ever met before. These randoms came to the party in the limo she booked to travel to the party and had pride of place at the top table. When it came to speeches, my husband spoke about his did then FIL stood up and said thank you etc. The DJ was about to play happy birthday when CF stood up and announced it was also one of the random woman's birthdays, insisted we all sang happy birthday to her then got the DJ to play 'their song' so we all had to watch them dance whilst FIL just sat there. It was awful.
She had done many, many CF things. I have no idea why he is still with her 😥

An old school friend suddenly reappeared in my life, just a few months before my wedding.

We met up - fine.

She then invited herself to my wedding and brought three members of her family.

They treated my wedding as a freebie - got massively pissed and took some unopened bottles of wine home...

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow this might seem over the top but I'd have called social services!

My DM is a CF. I have many stories. My favourite was when she went ballistic and phoned me (in a different country, low contact with her) to complain about a family member's outrageous behaviour, wanting me to intervene to make this relative stop being "nasty". Relative is lovely btw, not a nasty bone in her body.

The problem? DM had been "barred" from family member's house! You see, she had gone round but could not get in. She went round when relative was out. She knew relative would be out. She expected to get in with the keys she had had cut secretly after being loaned them once. Turns out she does this a lot. She wanted to get some valuable items that the relative (a low level antiques dealer) "never uses" and are "going to waste" to take for herself.

Apparently family member had noticed things were disapppearing, was too nice doormat to confront so on the advice of a friend (MN?) changed the lock barrels.

DM was fucking outraged at being stopped. Gave a hell of a lot of abuse to nice doormat relative. Wasn't calmed by me agreeing to speak to relative and then giving relative ALL the virtual hugs and telling her what a good thing she had done. I even paid for a new fancy garage lock for relative and sent her some chocolates.

My DM once tried to get me to buy a house off her for £200k cash. Let's leave aside the fact that I don't have £200k in cash just lying around, god knows why she thought I did.

The problem? All the estate agents were telling her it wasn't worth more than £100k, maybe £120k if she did some major repairs. She wanted more and the bastards wouldn't agree.

The best part? It wasn't her house. She was a lodger. Owners were out of the country temporarily.

Apparently we wouldn't need to involve conveyancing solicitors because we are family and it would all be done in cash.

It was so hilarious I played along for ages while keeping my siblings updated on WhatsApp. Kept us all greatly amused.

I did not buy the house.

'Why pay when the mug next door will do it..'

sweetpea, you have to stop that or you will become her carer. She has the money to pay! Next time she phones, you say, 'Can't do that, have X on.' And you learn to keep repeating that, over and over. She has the money to pay for it so she should.

Oh shit just remembered another one of mine.

After a long, drawn-out, utterly stupid buying process DP and I finally got the keys to our new flat. We got straight in there and started ripping out the kitchen, literally that same day. Prior owners had left a bunch of crap lying about (chest of drawers, TV unit, bunk beds, etc) which they'd been instructed to remove prior to the sale being finalised. They didn't. We were so sick of them faffing about at that point that we just accepted it.

So we're in the kitchen unscrewing all the cabinet doors. It's about 7pm. We hear a key turning in the front door lock, and the door swinging open. DP and I freeze and stare at each other. Then both shoot out of the kitchen to see who the everloving fuck has just walked in to our house.

It's the prior owner. He looks startled and says, 'Oh! I didn't think you'd be here! I'm just coming round to collect the chest of drawers.'

DP and I explained in no uncertain terms that no, he couldn't take anything out of the house as it all belonged to us now. And no, he shouldn't still have a set of keys. And no, thinking that we weren't going to be there didn't make anything better, it actually made it worse. What would we have been meant to think if we hadn't been home, but had come back the next morning and found stuff missing with no idea where it had gone?

Former owner then complained to the estate agent that we hadn't let them take the stuff to get rid of it. We responded that we would take it all to the dump ourselves, and instructed them to make sure that there weren't any other spare keys floating about. (Locks were changed a day later just in case).

CF relative who lives their life on social media conducted a long social media campaign about some building work they had had completed this year complete with photos. Unfortunately the family member hadn't actually factored in paying for it so called me up from their villa holiday to ask me to pay their mortgage this month and were rather put out when I refused.

One of my friends once bought a single can as his contribution to a party. He ate & drank through the evening then blow me, he collected his can on the way out! Another friends' DH burnt a copy of a CD for me, which I guess costs pennies, then charged me £2! When we were younger, my DF gave her loads of lifts & I never had a single one from her DF.

Elderly next door neighbour expected me to walk her dog/ shop/ collect prescriptions etc (had to pay bus fares or this) for years for free. Wouldn't claim carers allowance etc so I or anyone else could actually pay our outgoings or time spent doing her jobs . Finally straw - told me when I was struggling in with her shopping that her son was bringing his Yacht over from the USA so she wouldn't see him for ages. I was spending time helping her so he could play with his boats. When she died I didn't get so much as a thank you from the family for all I had done , which was all I actually wanted.

Same thing happened with other cfn but they didn't have boats and they thanked the wrong person when she died. I have lots of other cf stories and will think twice before and probably never ever help anyone again!

My DM is a CF.

it comes down to her being extremely tight with money. She really penny pinches, she couldn’t for example buy something for 10p for someone from the shop without asking for the money straight away.

She thinks DH and I “have money” - she thinks this because unlike my siblings we’re not saddled with debt (any more, we were once!). we’re careful with money and do very little, perhaps the occasional meal out. But because we’re not on the breadline, she thinks it gives her license to take this piss. She lives in France and when she comes over she wants takeaways, to go to coffee shops all the time, and come bill paying time it’s “you can get this one can’t you? You’re the one who has money afterall!”.

we always offer to take her for a meal out, so she always has 3 courses (which she never eats) and loads of expensive drinks. Doesn’t even chip in for the tip. We pick her up from the airport 60 miles away, and take her back, and ferry her about to see family while she’s here. She never offers a penny in petrol. She’s coming next month. I’ve already decided that we’re staying in all week and I’ll be making fish fingers and chips. I don’t mind treating my mum but it’s expected and we are never thanked.

Her latest stunt is that she came to visit the UK (not visiting us, but a friend of hers 200 miles away) and she’d brought her dog by car. Her friend fell ill back in France so she wanted us to do a 400-mile round trip to collect her smelly dog and look after it indefinitely, so she could catch a flight rather than drive back. Then when she was ready she’d fly back over and drive the dog back to France.

We said no for various reasons, not least because DD has a huge phobia of dogs and we had a newborn son so didn’t fancy the long trip. So she just drove back with him anyway, as originally planned.

She asked us to fork out £350 for half the vets bills because he fell ill on the journey home. Apparently had we agreed to have him then that wouldn’t have happened even though she’d have had to drive the dog back at some point anyway.

We said no.

A colleague at work borrowed £250 from me to pay her rent as work payroll had messed up her tax and she needed money to tide her over. Weeks went by and I checked her money had been sorted out and she still didn't pay me back. After 2 months I asked her for the money back and she said as I was senior to her, the money I lent her was a "penalty" for getting her wages wrong. I explained it was my money not the companies and that I had nothing to do with payroll but it still took another 3 weeks for her to return the cash.