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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 'step' children are taking advantage

162 replies

Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 22:39

Dp has two adult kids and I have three. Whenever we go out for meals with his kids he pays when we go out with mine I make mine pay for themselves. His kids seem to just take take take, we recently went to a wedding for my family and he paid for their hotel room and for their drinks at the bar! I've always taught my children they should pay for themselves.

Honestly they hardly ever visit him and when they do he just spends loads of money on them. They also both have an odd sense of humour with him which I just don't understand.

Aibu to think he should be getting his kids to pay for themselves. It's pathetic that adults with jobs sponge off their fathers.

OP posts:
bianglala · 24/09/2017 09:00

I hope your kids are more joyful than you are. My parents are in their 70s, my sibling has a six figure job, I'm not doing too badly myself but they always treat us everything from holidays, meals, etc. They like spoiling their kids and grandkids. So your DP has raised them well enough that they are independent and earn their own money. Why criticize his way? It is none of your business. If I were your SCs I would bloody hope the wedding is cancelled!

SonicBoomBoom · 24/09/2017 09:01

You sound like a hypocritical idiot.

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 09:03

butchy i am very cynical. But i cant help wondering if its because the dp pays for the majority of the house and this enables her son and his gf to live rent free.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 24/09/2017 09:04

This is it with divorce. A father can never see his children enough, or pay enough money....The kids grow up in an environment where it’s expected that dad pays, and if they need anything, they’re told mum has no money, ask your dad

Really? Post divorce, there is an expectation that dad pays? You are aware that statistically more than half of those fathers who should pay maintenance don't? The mother's in these situations pay for everything or their children go without. Many mothers are expected to provide nappies/food/clothes/bus fares or their children don't see their father's.

OP stop stamping your toddler feet and look at the bigger picture. A meal 5 times a year is far less than your child living rent free. How do you think that makes his children feel?

usernameavailable · 24/09/2017 09:12

I think it is between his kids and himself. If you don't want to pay for your kids, or can't afford to then that is between your kids and you.

My kids have been moaning because we all went out for a meal before the wedding and he paid for his kids but I wouldn't pay for mine.

The fact that your kids are moaning says that your kids may need to learn its none of their business either!

My mum tends to refuse to let us get our money out. I invited her out for a meal on her birthday. I had to argue with her as she wanted to pay the bill!

My dad, will sometimes pay. Would pay for my sister and may not pay for me. Only reason is she might be struggling at the time. I would not ask why. It is simply not my business.

ButchyRestingFace · 24/09/2017 09:18

butchy i am very cynical. But i cant help wondering if its because the dp pays for the majority of the house and this enables her son and his gf to live rent free.

I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind... 🤔

Cat2014 · 24/09/2017 09:24

I think it's odd that your dp never offers to pay for your children too sometimes?

cremedelashite · 24/09/2017 09:25

Wow you're getting a hard time here op. It depends how often you all go out and how rigid the pay for yourself rules are. Not paying for your kids doesn't mean you don't love them. And by the sounds of things you think financial independence is an important thing.We all have different ways of being in the world. Talk to your kids and partner. Agree an arrangement that feels better to you all or at least explain where you're coming from. And I say this as someone who likes to pay/treat.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/09/2017 09:27

FFS I'm 41 in last year my parents have taken me out at least twice and payed for a hotel room for a family event ( funeral not wedding but same thing). They have also provided free childcare, am I spoilt ?

GrumpyOldBag · 24/09/2017 09:30

I'm 53, earn more than my parents, and still have to fight to pay my share of the bill every time I go out with either of them. (They are not divorced.) I'll probably be like that with my kids for treats. Getting them to pay their own way at home is a bit different.

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 09:33

I think it's odd that your dp never offers to pay for your children too sometimes?

He does. And one of her adult children lives with them, rent free. And the sons girlfriend too.

YorkieDorkie · 24/09/2017 09:34

@GrumpyOldBag same in my situation! I earn significantly more than my parents and it would be some sort of stand off if I tried to pay. Same with the grandparents. My mum and uncle try to pay for meals out and always fail miserably.

OP YABU for never treating your kids, maybe YANBU for thinking that he should let his own kids pay for themselves sometimes.

YorkieDorkie · 24/09/2017 09:35

@GrumpyOldBag same in my situation! I earn significantly more than my parents and it would be some sort of stand off if I tried to pay. Same with the grandparents. My mum and uncle try to pay for meals out and always fail miserably.

OP YABU for never treating your kids, maybe YANBU for thinking that he should let his own kids pay for themselves sometimes.

chipscheeseandgravy · 24/09/2017 09:40

My dad has paid for me and dp to stay in a hotel room for family weddings before, he will also pay for meals out when we go for a meal together. I would never expect for them to pay. However, we do see each other maybe once a month (live a good few hours away)
It's you dp's cash if he wants to spend it on his kids he can. My parents couldn't afford many treats when me and my brother were growing up, so they 'treat' us because they can afford it. The fact you wouldn't ever treat your kids to a meal etc, (despite them being adults) IMO is a bit odd.

TooGood2BeFalse · 24/09/2017 09:43

Sounds to me like you a feeling left out ,OP.What does the 'odd sense of humour' have to do with anything? If you don't feel you have bonded with his kids, maybe you should try to.

I am 29, my siblings are 35 and 39. We are all employed, responsible adults.Our 61 year old Dad will only rarely let us pay for dinners etc. He seems to enjoy treating us, and will think nothing of getting a random gift for any of the 3 of us just because he thought we might like it. Maybe in his head we are still kids :-D My mum has passed away, but she was exactly the same. We are lucky though, they are/were great parents. I think it's normal for your DP to do this

PoorYorick · 24/09/2017 09:44

If there really is an issue here, OP, it's with your beloved, not the kids - he's an adult making a choice. So don't blame them.

I don't think there is an issue though. He's obviously successful and generous with it; a fine combination. It's a few times a year and he can afford it. You want one of those joysucking misers?

People who are mean with money are mean with pretty much everything else. You've got a good one, don't complain.

TooGood2BeFalse · 24/09/2017 09:46

I should add though, it is never expected or assumed and we make sure he is treated as well!

m0therofdragons · 24/09/2017 09:56

My parents always pay when we go for a meal. When dh's parents take us for a meal we always pay for ourselves or sometimes (after lots of hinting from them) we pick up the whole bill. If bil and sil are there we pay for ourselves and pil pay for bil and sil (because bil is younger and moans he has no money yet earns marginally more than us and has no dc - we have 3). Anyway, what I'm saying is everyone does it differently. I'm not take take taking from my parents I'm gratefully accepting their generosity. YABU

GriefLeavesItsMark · 24/09/2017 09:56

I think you should prospone your wedding.

Luncharmstrong · 24/09/2017 10:01

I agree with you OP

missiondecision · 24/09/2017 10:05

I often feel that step children are not to be spoken ill of on mn. Ever. It never ends well.
But on this subject yabu.
Your children are your children whatever their age.
You sound bitter that he doesn't pay for your children and you can't afford to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/09/2017 10:08

I must admit, I don't let my mum pay for me when we go out because I have as much or more money than she does. I don't really get the 'adults pay for their children forever' thing but I don't need to. It exists in some families, it doesn't mine.

The thing that bothered me with the OP was her own children railing against her for not paying for them. That's bratty.

JonSnowsWife · 24/09/2017 10:09

Oh dear. I must be a sponger too then. It doesn't matter how many times I try and argue pay for myself when out for meals with my Mum or Dad (they're both separated - one works the other is retired) they both absolutely insist on treating me.

MoseShrute · 24/09/2017 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 24/09/2017 10:13

So at most he pays for their meals 5 times a year?!?!
But your son sponges off of him all year round?

^ This.
YABVU

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