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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 'step' children are taking advantage

162 replies

Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 22:39

Dp has two adult kids and I have three. Whenever we go out for meals with his kids he pays when we go out with mine I make mine pay for themselves. His kids seem to just take take take, we recently went to a wedding for my family and he paid for their hotel room and for their drinks at the bar! I've always taught my children they should pay for themselves.

Honestly they hardly ever visit him and when they do he just spends loads of money on them. They also both have an odd sense of humour with him which I just don't understand.

Aibu to think he should be getting his kids to pay for themselves. It's pathetic that adults with jobs sponge off their fathers.

OP posts:
FenceSitter01 · 23/09/2017 23:01

I hope he sews up his will, water tight.

Taylor22 · 23/09/2017 23:01

Maybe he doesn't pay for your children because he's trying to balance the scales by your son sponging off of him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2017 23:02

x-posted with lots. This all sounds a very strange set-up. Not a good basis for marriage either.

Kintan · 23/09/2017 23:02

The issue here isn't that he pays for his children. It's that you and your children seem to have a problem with his generosity towards his children. Really none of your/their business. My parents and PiL often insist on paying for us, and I fully intend to do the same for my children if I can afford it.

Original poster
Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 23:03

Why would he pay for my kids? Occasionally we go out and he pays for everybody.

Him and his kids aren't that close at all. He sees them about five times a year. And every time it's just him spending money on them. That's why I get frustrated.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 23/09/2017 23:03

These are all working adults you're talking about aren't they? What's left to 'teach' them exactly? A dinner is hardly a house and monthly allowance is it.

It's not his kids fault they were well off growing up.

You've already said you don't really understand their humour so I don't really trust your assessment of piss taking either.

Look, nothing you are posting is painting anything but a picture of envy. Its an ugly trait. It's also incredibly destructive, to those around you but mostly yourself. It's a corrosive way to live your life.

I get that it probably dents your pride to think about the comparisons but it's your issue alone. I would be surprised at a woman like you (seemingly assertive) whose raised three kids singly handedly allowing her children to call her out on a situation she truly had no control over.

Sorry but I suspect that you are able to afford the odd treat for your family but choose not to because of this weirdly obsessive role you've cast for yourself and your kids. It's almost like you can't measure up to your perception of another situation so won't bother trying at all along with building some kind of ethos to make your way morally better.

What a draining way to live.

NorthernLurker · 23/09/2017 23:03

Does he know you dislike his children? Does he know you view his parenting with contempt? Does he know you are bitching about him on the internet?

If I were him I'd rethink the wedding.

Out of interest what's the situation with his will? Are you bagging the lot or will you allow his dc some inheritance?

Taylor22 · 23/09/2017 23:04

It's really none of your business.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 23:04

Op I think you're getting a rough ride. We l do what we can. You're able to provide accommodation to your son. He likes to treat teem lots.

If your kids are sulking because he pays for them and you can't afford to, you need to be honest with your kids and tell them to suck it up.

FuzzyOwl · 23/09/2017 23:05

Why would he pay for my kids? Occasionally we go out and he pays for everybody.

Surely he is paying for them by default though, as your son and girlfriend are living in his house (that he pays more towards) rent free.

BananasAreGood · 23/09/2017 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Popfan · 23/09/2017 23:05

YANBU I'm afraid. My lovely parents pay for meals out and like treating us. I will do the same for our DS when he's grown up. It's up to your DH what he does!

Original poster
Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 23:05

Of course his kids are getting most of his inheritance. Don't be ridiculous.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 23/09/2017 23:06

So at most he pays for their meals 5 times a year?!?!
But your son sponges off of him all years round?

And you think he's to generous?

Yea....he should really reconsider this Marriage.

Original poster
Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 23:07

Oh forget it. Clearly I'm just the evil step mother.

OP posts:
FuzzyOwl · 23/09/2017 23:07

Of course his kids are getting most of his inheritance.

Most? Isn't the normal thing for them to be getting all of it?

Birdsgottafly · 23/09/2017 23:07

" I just think my dh should not be paying for EVERYTHING."

It doesn't matter what you think, though, this is a situation that you shouldn't be trying to change, now, or once you are married.

Have you ever spoke to him about it? Or how things will pan out once you are married?

Will he pay for his children's Weddings, for example, a large house deposit? Will it matter to you as a couple, or can he well afford it?

If so, then you need to accept this, or it will end your relationship.

PerfectPenquins · 23/09/2017 23:08

You really do not like his kids at all do you? Is it that five times a year the money isn't being spent on you and your free loading kids? Perhaps he is sad that he isn't close to his kids and it makes him happy to treat them when he does see them? Perhaps he gets fed up with paying for your adult sons home. I hope his will is seriously water tight can just imagine your outrage when he leaves his kids an inheritance.

Cornettoninja · 23/09/2017 23:08

Xposted with the info about your youngest son and his gf living with you rent free.... c'mon op - you're not for real are you? Surely?

everythingsucks · 23/09/2017 23:08

Ohsitdowndear
Why wouldn’t you pay for your kids meals occasionally? I treat my mum.* She treats me. Sometimes I buy my brother a meal sometimes he buys me one. It is a nice thing to do.*

You seem remarkably tight just for the sake of being tight and not paying because they are ADULTS AND THEY SHOULD PAY FOR THEMSELVES AT ALL TIMES OR THEY ARE PATHETIC.

Sorry for shouting but it fits in with you tone. You seem utterly pedantic about this issue.* Where is the pleasure? The joy of treating someone? Treating them sometimes doesn’t mean they expect it all the time. And I don’t know why you are so fixated on your stepkids and your partner’s money.* Does he sponge off you? Is it your money?

Sashkin · 23/09/2017 23:08

My mum still insists on paying for things like coffee for me. I'm 38, married with kids and on a good salary. We've even had a few scuffles over the card reader when I've tried to pay - she just really likes to treat me (I usually win because I have a contactless card and she is still on chip and pin).

I'm completely financially independent (and have been since I left university) and she isn't trying to buy my love. Some parents just like showing their love by buying little things for their kids. She brings me random new chocolate bars and little treats that she thinks I might like as well.

You obviously express your love in different ways (maybe you iron your son's socks or make him a cup of tea in the morning) and that is fine, but there's nothing wrong with your husband doing it if it is normal in their family.

ZenHeadbutt · 23/09/2017 23:09

YABU

You deal with your kids and he deals with his kids. Keep it simple.

Cornettoninja · 23/09/2017 23:10

No you're not an evil stepmother but you do need a word with yourself.

I'm sure you're a lovely person irl, but honestly this is bonkers.

Birdsgottafly · 23/09/2017 23:11

X post.

Five times a year and you and your children are complaining? You are all out of order.

However if he is a man that just throws money at his children, which is easy to do if you've got it, then it's him that's at fault, not his children.

Rachie1973 · 23/09/2017 23:13

IABU I think he pays for them too much 5 times a year whereas mine only get to live in the house free.

Yes YABU

No I'm not. Grump grump martyr act

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