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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 'step' children are taking advantage

162 replies

Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 22:39

Dp has two adult kids and I have three. Whenever we go out for meals with his kids he pays when we go out with mine I make mine pay for themselves. His kids seem to just take take take, we recently went to a wedding for my family and he paid for their hotel room and for their drinks at the bar! I've always taught my children they should pay for themselves.

Honestly they hardly ever visit him and when they do he just spends loads of money on them. They also both have an odd sense of humour with him which I just don't understand.

Aibu to think he should be getting his kids to pay for themselves. It's pathetic that adults with jobs sponge off their fathers.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 24/09/2017 07:41

God, why on earth would his kids pay themselves to go to the wedding of their dad's girlfriend's relative?!

AnnaFiveTowns · 24/09/2017 07:50

I'm 45 my dad always treats me. He has more disposable income than me and he loves me.

My mum has less money than me so often I treat her.

When my kids are grown up I'd like to treat them still. I think that's normal.

You sound a bit mean- spirited and I can understand why your kids resent it.

SkafaceClaw · 24/09/2017 07:53

I'm in a very similar situation to your step-children. Our Dad sees a lot more of his wife's children (note I cannot call her a step-mother as she is so needy and jealous every time we spend a small amour of time with him - but that's another story).

My sibling and I are now in our 30s and always offer to pay/take it in turns with our dad because although he wants to treat us his wife gets in a flap and rolls her eyes.

I see him 5-6 times per year and it guts me that you can tell that she's annoyed every time that we are getting attention. We always leave with a sour taste. It's a shame because I love my dad dearly but we can't be ourselves around him.

Think about them - they had a relationship with their dad long before you. Let them be themselves without judging them and let him be the dad he wants to be. They are probably juggling lots of feelings especially as he probably through no fault of his own spends more time with your dc due to the closeness of your family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/09/2017 07:54

I can understand your children's frustration. They see your stbdhs children being treated differently from them and I'm sure that stings even in adulthood. Do you talk to them about it? Have you discussed how to deal this with your stbdh?

It's the refusal to see things from others POV, which creates misunderstandings and jealousy. Can you not see this? So stop deciding your children are being unreasonable and his children are grabby and come up with some family agreements with your stbh, which apply to everyone. Anything less and you are bu.

notarehearsal · 24/09/2017 07:56

I think I'm still of the mind set that parents 'treat' their children when they can, no matter their ages. My grown up children wouldn't dream of expecting me to pay and always get the money out to pay for the meal. However, I want to pay for them, not the other way round. My parents are the same with me.
Grown up children are adults in their own right but they are still our offspring.
However someone once said to me that we are only born with a few characteristics, the rest devolve. Not sure if it's true but generosity of spirit is one of these characteristics. Sadly it doesnt sound as if you have this characteristic but your DH does

Oblomov17 · 24/09/2017 07:58

"I can't afford to treat my kids every time we go out for a meal."

Then don't go.
Admittedly my ds's are younger, but I will always pay for them. If I couldn't afford to pay for them, I wouldn't suggest going for a meal. Or if they asked to go, say : 'no I/we can't afford it.'
As I do now.
Hmm

Oblomov17 · 24/09/2017 08:00

And my mum still pays, almost every time, when I visit and she takes me out to lunch.
Or we just sit in her lounge and natter away.

reallyanotherone · 24/09/2017 08:02

This is it with divorce.

A father can never see his children enough, or pay enough money. Yet if he does see his children, he’s doing it to pay less money or to somehow get one over or take the kids away out of spite.

He treats them to meals and it’s being a disney dad, he should be paying towards bills instead. We see the mother as spending all her money on gas and electricity, while he buys them fun things with all the money he has left over from living a single life with no responsibilty Hmm

The kids grow up in an environment where it’s expected that dad pays, and if they need anything, they’re told mum has no money, ask your dad.

Give the guy a break. Make your kids chip in towards bills if they live with you- that is a far more adult thing to do than pay for a meal out. Put the money aside and use it to treat them once in a while.

JacquesHammer · 24/09/2017 08:05

"My kids have been moaning because we all went out for a meal before the wedding and he paid for his kids but I wouldn't pay for mine"

And there's your issue. The poor attitude of your children

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 24/09/2017 08:07

I'm more surprised with your kids moaning that you didn't pay for them.

My dad sometimes pays but I wouldn't never dare moan if he didn't

Ktown · 24/09/2017 08:08

Don't take your kids out for dinner then expect them to pay. Just have a nice meal at home.
Also expect him to leave the house to his kids - which is completely fair.
I am admittedly spoilt but I have never had to get out my cards when my parents are about.

Nuttynoo · 24/09/2017 08:19

OP's kids sound like the spongers tbh. OP you should have taught them to stand on their feet rather than get all mardy about your dp paying for the occasional meal for his own.

Beerwench · 24/09/2017 08:21

My dads wife is like you. In fact he's my step dad. Brought me up from being a few months old, is grandad to my DC and 'real' dad to my siblings. Him and DM split when we were all adults, we see him once every few months. But according to her me and my DC should be grateful that he wants to see us at all because he's not my 'real' dad or their 'real' grandad. He will pay for a meal or coffee when we meet, because it's what he does, I could afford it but he wants to treat us when we see him. New wife says we're adults and shouldn't happen. No mention of the nice things we've bought for him though (weekend away voucher, personalised number plate among others) some of which she benefits from!
If the man wants to treat his kids why shouldn't he? He doesn't have to, but he wants to. The issue isn't that, it's the fact your kids are jealous of what his kids get.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 24/09/2017 08:23

My parents pay for everything when I'm with them. I've 2 small children and We're a young family without much disposable income. They like treating us and they know there are certain places that we couldn't afford.

It's just not really any off your business if he wants to pay for things for his kids.

Crunchymum · 24/09/2017 08:24

So he pays lions share of the bills at home? And has 2 unrelated adults living there rent free? These adults are your DS And his GF? And you begrudge him paying to take his kids out for dinner once every few months?

You are being fucking disgustingly unreasonable OP.

TheStoic · 24/09/2017 08:26

It's a difference in values. I'm in the same boat, but our kids are much younger than yours.

Just tell yourself that neither of you are right or wrong. It's not a 'fact' that parents should not pay for adult offspring. It's just a value of yours.

I have to constantly tell myself similar...

RainyDayBear · 24/09/2017 08:28

My Mum loves any opportunity to buy me lunch. There's a difference between children sponging and parents who want to treat them sometimes.

Witsender · 24/09/2017 08:32

Your kids live rent free, his get a meal 5 times a year. Which do you think costs him more?

I'm 36 with 2, nearly 3 kids and a husband. If we go out with either set of our parents they pay. Unless it is something specific we have invited them to.

Snausage · 24/09/2017 08:37

OP, I think you need to take a step back and read what you've posted.

He treats his kids when he sees them (about 5 times a year) and one of your kids (plus girlfriend) live with you rent free, where your partner contributes more than you... It sounds as if your child is benefitting more from the pair of you than his kids are.

There are all sorts of reasons why your DP might feel as if he wants to treat his kids. If it's his money, why shouldn't he? His kids having a 'privileged' upbringing whilst you struggled is neither here nor there.

flowery · 24/09/2017 08:40

"I've always taught my children they should pay for themselves...It's pathetic that adults with jobs sponge off their fathers."

So when a father treats his children to a meal 5 times a year it's "pathetic" "sponging", but when you give your son and his girlfriend rent-free accommodation that's "paying for themselves"?

BabyLlama · 24/09/2017 08:47

My DM and my step dad will often buy all of my drinks if we go out. I always try to repay them or buy them drinks in return, but they won't let me at all. It doesn't mean I sponge off them - they like to treat me sometimes. It's up to your DP. If he's happy to pay for his children, then that's his choice to do so.

Danceswithwarthogs · 24/09/2017 08:49

He sounds like a lovely man, I wouldn't get all bitter over this, it's his money!! it's just a normal part of meeting someone later in life when you have older kids reared separately. It's only 5 times a year.

itsbetterthanabox · 24/09/2017 08:53

Op how does your partner feel that you have your kids living with you rent free?
Surely that's more infantilising than treating someone to a meal?

greendale17 · 24/09/2017 08:55

YABU- it's not his fault that you can't afford to treat your kids.

Your children sound like they need to grow up questioning why they have to pay for thing

ButchyRestingFace · 24/09/2017 08:57

Why do you want to marry this man, Ohsitdowndear?

You seem to be fundamentally incompatible on some rather key issues.

His kids and your kids aren't going to just magically disappear. Smile

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