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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my 'step' children are taking advantage

162 replies

Ohsitdowndear · 23/09/2017 22:39

Dp has two adult kids and I have three. Whenever we go out for meals with his kids he pays when we go out with mine I make mine pay for themselves. His kids seem to just take take take, we recently went to a wedding for my family and he paid for their hotel room and for their drinks at the bar! I've always taught my children they should pay for themselves.

Honestly they hardly ever visit him and when they do he just spends loads of money on them. They also both have an odd sense of humour with him which I just don't understand.

Aibu to think he should be getting his kids to pay for themselves. It's pathetic that adults with jobs sponge off their fathers.

OP posts:
everythingsucks · 23/09/2017 23:14

So it is jealousy. They had a more comfortable childhood. He still treats them. You don’t like it.

Should he be spending the money on you OP? You don’t sound like you taught your kids anything either if they moan you won’t pay. Or maybe they see the easy warmth and generosity he shows to his kids whilst you are moaning on you don’t pay and they are pathetic.

So what they have a different sense of humour? Why are you complaining about that? Aren’t they allowed to joke with their dad? Is he all yours now?

Jeez. You sound joyless. Are you happy in your relationship OP? You don’t sound it and I wonder if you are avoiding the real issues.

everythingsucks · 23/09/2017 23:20

Five times a year isn’t so little. People are busy. I think the fact he sees them so little means he is likely to spoil them when he sees them! He’s their dad! He probably enjoys it.

Your sponging son and gf live with you rent free. He gets to see them everyday. Does he complain about that OP? He pays for more stuff, good quality things and it use you and your kid that benefit from that. Not his kids.

Do you not see that you are a hypocrite? Did you think it would be all about you? I am amazed he is marrying you with this attitude.

Have you complained about the ensevif humour to him?

WyfOfBathe · 23/09/2017 23:22

My DP treat me if we go out for a meal. With my grandparents, generally they buy everyone's meals and I buy everyone's drinks and desserts. I'm sure I'll do the same for my daughter - and stepdaughter - when they're adults (I'm not saying you should buy things for your stepDC, as it seems like very different circumstances)

everythingsucks · 23/09/2017 23:23

Sorry for all the typos and random bold. My phone has gone mad

MammaTJ · 23/09/2017 23:28

I have an adult DD, she has a DD. We are both struggling for money.

I treat her, she treats me! I would treat her every time if I was able!

I think though, that my DD would just accept it if I was to treat her every time.

Try treating your DC and see what he says!

Weebo · 23/09/2017 23:31

Even when I was visiting my mum in the hospital a few weeks ago she tried to insist on giving me money for a sandwich and coffee from the cafeteria. :o

My inlaws are the same. DH is going to a wedding with them in November and his parents have sorted the accommodation for everyone and will no doubt buy him drinks and food.

Not because he or I are unable to - Trust me we have tried to sneakily pay the bill for things in the past - But they won't be told no it makes them happy to treat us.

We all joke that we make up for it by offering DH as their on call 24/7 IT guy.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 23/09/2017 23:31

YABU. You clearly don't like his children. You sound a lot like my MIL. She had 3 grown up step children and she really resented their presence and any time they spent with their dad. She also will blatantly say to DH that it is his turn to pay for her! I try to pay for a coffee for my nan and she won't let me. She loves occasionally treating me, it genuinely brings her pleasure and there is nothing wrong with that. I will certainly do the same with my children when they are grown up.

Mittens1969 · 23/09/2017 23:36

He has a right to treat his DCs if he wishes, it is his money after all. Your youngest lives with you rent free, so he is being generous with your kids too. You're coming across as jealous and bitter, OP.

PickleRickSanchez · 23/09/2017 23:41

I'm 35 with a career, DH and DC...my DM still likes to pay for lunch sometimes if we meet, and occasionally buys me small gifts. Nothing overly expensive, more "I saw this and thought you'd like it" things .A book, some nice chocolate and a funny quote on a fridge magnet being the most recent.

18 might be when you're 'grown up', but you never stop being your parents' children, you know!

Rachie1973 · 23/09/2017 23:46

My lovely FIL paid for everything for us if we were with him. He wouldn't hear of us paying and he said he wanted to treat us as 'he couldn't take it with him'. Sadly prophetic as we lost him to a short illness last year and inherited a sum from him.

In turn we now treat our children as often as possible.

astrotel · 24/09/2017 00:01

Mine are adults, I pay for meals etc. My parents would pay for me if I let them.

NorthernLurker · 24/09/2017 00:14

'Most' of the inheritance? And why is that then? (Not that I need to ask) your life would be loads easier without them Around wouldn't it?

SparklyUnicornPoo · 24/09/2017 00:16

Maybe your DP just likes treating them. FIL has never yet let DH pay for anything, nor am I allowed to pay for me, DD or DS (who is not DH's) if he's there, it's just who he is. With my parents I usually pay, or occasionally we split the bill between me and parents, because I have 4 school age siblings and 2 at uni so my parents don't have much money for treats so I'd rather they weren't spending it on me. They pay for my siblings while I pay for me if we are all together, its never bothered me because I know some people have more money than others.

OP just explain to your kids why you don't pay and tell them to shut up whinging, I'm the same age as your eldest, they are definitely old enough to understand!

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 24/09/2017 00:27

I think OP just worded this post a little badly. I think she just worries that her partner is being taken advantage of by seemingly 'bratty' kids??? Wants to help teach them about the value of money but isn't sure how to go about it?

DrGrey · 24/09/2017 00:41

He sounds lovely. You on the other hand do not.

Your situation with your children is completely different, one of your children lives with you yet your DP's children see him approx 5 times per year. I'm not surprised he wants to treat them. It's his money he can do what he wishes with it.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 24/09/2017 00:48

Sorry I keep saying DH. He's not my H yet.

YABVU and if you keep up your poor attitude towards him and his children, he likely never will be your DH.

Getout21 · 24/09/2017 00:49

ughh, your certainly living up to the stepmother stereotype.

OldPony · 24/09/2017 00:51

Over my dead body would I let my DD or her boyfriend pay for their own dinner when out with me. What's wrong with you? Sort your shit out and take care of what you've reproduced.

Or go and hang out with the woman who made her son and his mate sleep in a shed.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2017 00:56

What's wrong with you? Sort your shit out and take care of what you've reproduced.
She has, she's raised three kids to adulthood who all work and she's providing accommodation for the youngest.
Why should she have to financially support them for the great of their days? Its nice to treat them if she can afford to but it doesn't make her a bad mom if she can't now they're all adults.

January2015 · 24/09/2017 06:32

Treating someone to a meal is all about the gesture and sentiment of it and it works both ways.
As adults, sometimes you may treat your children and taken out for a meal, sometimes they may do the same- this, I feel, makes both feel valued and appreciated.
When my sd was younger, my dh used to treat her to meals, sometimes I did. Now she's older and working she does the same and may treat us too.
Everyone feels valued and appreciated, no hard feelings about one person paying all of the time. We just take it in turns. It's an unspoken mutual etiquette.
Maybe op should treat her children now and again, maybe they will appreciate it and do it in return for her.
May op's step children should return the kindness to their father.

famousfour · 24/09/2017 07:04

I think possibly you're getting a hard time here.

I assume what is bothering you is the attitude of the children rather than the money itself? That they seem entitled and not particularly respectful? (I'm reading between the line here).

If that's the case I sort of agree with you and I can see why it bothers you. Yes many parents treat their children when they are together - for meals or whatever - but if what is happening is that they are learning no financial independence then that is an issue. But in that case I assume he is paying for more than dinner 5x per year. However, it's not up to you to fix. You just have to be annoyed at the sidelines.

On the other hand, if it's simply because you have a different opinion on treating your children / are bothered by the fact that you can't do the same then UABU.

meyouus · 24/09/2017 07:09

So your youngest, and his gf live rent free in the house where he pays more towards which is ok Because that's your child, but he's not allowed to treat his own children because your children have to pay for themselves? You definitely need to get over self

Silvertap · 24/09/2017 07:23

My 86 year old grandad won't let my mum pay for a family meal out. I'm in my 30's and have a loooiong time before our family expectation is that I pay. About once a year I'll make a token offer and it's laughed off.

I do other things though so I'm not on the take - we regularly have my parents and grandparents over for a meal.

MsHippo · 24/09/2017 07:31

Silvertap my situation is very similar to that as well, although my grandparents do now sometimes allow my parents to pay occasionally (it's a recent development!). Sometimes I pay if I've invited my parents out e.g. for father day but then that's kind of seen as in lieu of a gift. When I go clothes shopping with my mum, she often insists on paying (even for cheap things like knickers!), I think it's really sweet and find it very touching when she does this. It's like she still wants to look after me a bit where she can, even though I'm grown up and moved out.

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 07:39

So its ok for your adult son AND his girlfriend to live in your house for free. Your dp pays most of the bills in this house, because he earns more.

But its not ok for him to pay for things for his own kids. You think he own kids should pay their way and he needs to teach them that.

Your kids (including one that doesnt pay rent) moan at you, even though he sometimes pays for them. But instead of teaching them manners, you want him to change.

I hope he redoes that watertight will after the marriage.

You really arent coming across well at all.

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