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AIBU?

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Original poster

To pull my daughter out of tutoring?

252 replies

Chairmancow · 23/09/2017 20:04

Another shitty weekend ruined by trying to get uncooperative Dd (9) to do her homework. She started tutoring for 11 plus 3 weeks ago and we've all had enough already!
She's not able or willing to independently get on with the piles of work she has to complete each week. Consequently we have to stand over her helping her and scolding her when she pisses about. Which Is frequently! We are so frustrated with it all. It's spoiling all our weekends. I've doubts about her ability to work quickly enough to pass it anyway.
Should we quit or keep on?
The comps round here are dire, obviously if they were any good I would never have started all this.
Dh doesn't deal with stress well (mental health problems) and I think we're both feeling under a lot of pressure to not to let her do badly at school.
Advice please!

OP posts:
bettycat81 · 23/09/2017 20:10

Save your money. It can always be used for tutoring if needed in the future.

KanielOutis · 23/09/2017 20:10

Why is she getting so much homework from tutoring? DD has private tutoring and it's just an hour per week. Assuming she is year 5, there is no need for so much extra work this far in advance. It ramps up after February half term.

RaininSummer · 23/09/2017 20:15

I used to tutor for eleven plus and one of my rules was that I would only work with willing pupils ie ones that really wanted to do well. It doesn't sound like cares about the 11+ enough. Have you discussed this with her?

LEMtheoriginal · 23/09/2017 20:16

Why the fuck are you doing this? Stop now she is 9 years old. My dd didn't sit the 11+ due to dyslexia . She is thriving at her comprehensive school

Paddington68 · 23/09/2017 20:16

Piles of work from the tutor? Homework from school? Maybe she is just fed up. Speak to her school to see what her options are; do they think tutoring will help etc; how academically gifted is she?
If it is causing you, your husband and her stress, spend the money doing something fun; meal out where you talk together, museum, art gallery, cinema, or just chocolate for her and wine for you.

RaininSummer · 23/09/2017 20:18

I should also add that tutoring shouldn't be needed for more than a few months. Just to even the playing field with private schools.

Original poster
Chairmancow · 23/09/2017 20:18

I think she could get most of it done in a couple of hours of solid work. Trouble is, she buggers about so it takes triple the time it should.
The tutoring is 2 hours per week. She has 10 new spellings, find definitions, synonyms and antonyms. Tables practice plus NVR/VR. She finds the work hard too which means we have to help her constantly.
I'm just doubting it all. I wish I could be strong enough to say fuck it all and let her just be a kid again. again, if the comps were not so shit I'd never have gone down this road with her. I think she's going to hate us for this pressure.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 23/09/2017 20:20

She's 9 get your head out your arse and let her live a bit. If she is of the right ability to pass the 11+ she will without tutoring. If she doesn't your literally setting her up for years of struggling. A couple of months before the exam bye her some practice papers and see how she finds it.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/09/2017 20:21

At 9 she is too young for this. Even if she did get into grammar school do you really think she would thrive?

I agree that perhaps you should save your money now and use it for tutoring when it really counts - years 10 and 11.

kscience · 23/09/2017 20:24

"She finds the work hard too which means we have to help her constantly. "

This statement troubles me. How will your daughter cope in a Grammar school if she can not cope with one to one tuition?

Take the pressure off, let her be a kid, help her to achieve the best she can in the local comp. Maybe getting a tutor to help her whilst at the comp?

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 23/09/2017 20:26

Poor kid. She will be working really hard at school (I work in y5 and the step up from y4 is a big one) and then she is having tutoring and homework as well. 1:1 can be very intense - your DC probably feels that she is always working. Maybe you need a chat with her to find out why she acts as she does. Have you looked around the potential schools for her? We took both dcs to look in year 5 rather than waiting until year 6. It helped us to narrow down choices and our viewings when dcs were in y6 were much more focussed as we were able to ask questions about specific things for each school, rate than a list of generic questions. Maybe see whether any of your local schools still have prospective pupil evenings coming up and visit them with dd so she can see her choices. Certainly with dc2, this was far more persuasive than anything we said!

SunSeaAndSangria · 23/09/2017 20:27

I think you need to be careful you don't put her off learning.

daisypond · 23/09/2017 20:28

She's nine. Please don't do this to her.

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2017 20:28

My DD started prep for 11+ in year 5, she had 1 hour a week of tutoring and about half an hours homework
Much more than that is excessive and sugg sits that even if you do manage to push her through the exam she won't cope with Grammar

Original poster
Chairmancow · 23/09/2017 20:28

I think you're all right really.

My dh and I were not encouraged a great deal at school and underachieved. As a result we are tending to put far to much pressure on her to do well.
LEM do you mind me asking which area you are in? Is there a stark difference between comps and selectives there? It's dreadful here!

OP posts:
FanDabbyFloozy · 23/09/2017 20:29

Are you in a grammar area? Does success mean bring in top 25% (proper grammar system) or top 5% (top selective schools)?

If the former, then it might work out. In my view, if it's a struggle to do it because she needs a lot of help, it might not be right for her. If broadly she can handle the work but needs prodding, I'd say 1-1.5 hrs over a week in homework is okay in my view.

I'd be wary of those who say their child got through with one practice paper under their belt. That is highly unlikely in my experience - people tend to under-play the effort involved.

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2017 20:38

Chairmancow if she cannot even get into the school without this level of pain and suffering (primarily for her) then you will be sighing her up to a pretty miserable high school 'career'.

In your shoes I would choose the best of the local schools, get involved as a parent supporter and do you best with additional tuition when she can cope with it.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2017 20:38

signing her up for...

shopthenewcollection · 23/09/2017 20:41

Too much pressure I think, she needs to be more willing if it is going to work.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/09/2017 20:43

Has she seen the school options? Does she want to go to the grammar school? I would look at the schools decide for yourselves which school would suit her more and then decide whether to put the effort into tutoring. Remember too that English and Maths preparation is not wasted even verbal reasoning develops useful skills, only NVR is wasted effort. Having said that if she doesn't want to work then no point in pushing it.

Tinkerbec · 23/09/2017 20:43

Well done Theresa. Let's bring back grammar schools instead of supporting RI and inadequate schools.

Pressure on 9 year olds for the win.

JennyHolzersGhost · 23/09/2017 20:45

Let her be who she is. If she's interested and engaged in learning and school isn't fulfilling her then seek tutoring. But don't do it just for the sake of hothousing her into a competitive exam system.

Crumbs1 · 23/09/2017 20:45

Have you actually visited the comprehensives or are you basing it on reputation and perception of others who haven't visited. Even 'crap comprehensives' in poor areas like Great Yarmouth or Stoke send children to Oxbridge.

MsJudgemental · 23/09/2017 20:46

I tutor for the 11+. It sounds to me like she has neither the ability nor the right attitude, which is actually more important. I have stopped 11+ tuition with a few children for either or both of these reasons. She has to want to do it otherwise there is no point. Save your money and consider extra tuition later if necessary.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/09/2017 20:47

Just how bad are the comps though? I mean if you think about it, if the grammars are skimming off the most able 20%, then the results for the other schools are not doing to look great on paper. But individually, each child could be fulfilling their full potential.

My friend didn't enter her daughter for the 11+ because she was so far off the grade in practice. She went to the local comp and has come out with a string of A*s and As at GCSE. Some kids are just late developers and my friend believes it really boosted her girl's confidence to be one of the bright girls at school, rather than one of the bottom of the class.