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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To pull my daughter out of tutoring?

252 replies

Chairmancow · 23/09/2017 20:04

Another shitty weekend ruined by trying to get uncooperative Dd (9) to do her homework. She started tutoring for 11 plus 3 weeks ago and we've all had enough already!
She's not able or willing to independently get on with the piles of work she has to complete each week. Consequently we have to stand over her helping her and scolding her when she pisses about. Which Is frequently! We are so frustrated with it all. It's spoiling all our weekends. I've doubts about her ability to work quickly enough to pass it anyway.
Should we quit or keep on?
The comps round here are dire, obviously if they were any good I would never have started all this.
Dh doesn't deal with stress well (mental health problems) and I think we're both feeling under a lot of pressure to not to let her do badly at school.
Advice please!

OP posts:
peterpancollar · 23/09/2017 22:50

I think 2 hrs group tuition is obviously not working and probably too much. Drop it to 1 hr 1:1 tuition - your relationship will suffer if it's a battle and it's not worth It. A year is a long time if she hates it and is unwilling to do it.

You need to dial it way back - not necessarily give up.
I don't rate group tuition - you might as well DIY it with workbooks which is probably better because at least you can give her 1:1 attention and save time/money.

Beamur · 23/09/2017 23:05

You've only been going 3 weeks, I'd say it's early days to give up just yet.
Tutoring in small groups can work, but maybe this tutor is not an ideal match for your child. Maybe give it a few more weeks to see how it goes?
Is your DD doing lots of other after school activities? If so, maybe take a break from some of those to free up time - it's important to have downtime with nothing planned.
A little bribery/incentives might help? My eldest SC was treated to Chinese takeaway every other week after his tutoring (Mum collected him the other 2 weeks and had her own treats etc).
My DD is just coming to the end of tutoring for 11+, she's so much more confident in her abilities and has made noticeable improvements.

CommanderDaisy · 23/09/2017 23:52

Don't let her quit.
You could consider changing the tutor after Christmas as sugested but 3 weeks isn't long enough to make a change in study habits even for a 9 year old.
I'm speaking as a Mum who regularly had to drag a learning disabled son to a variety of tutors from age 8. He tried this kind of behaviour in the beginning in an effort to "break" us, and still tries it on occasionally.
If you let her quit , she "wins" and learns the wrong message for when you start tutoring again i.e.being uncooperative and pissing off the entire household will get her out of studying.
She will get faster as she gets used to it, and will be better once she realises you won't crumble.
I just used to sit there repeating the sooner you do it, the sooner its done ad nauseum for about two months till my son realised this was the way it was going to be, and that was that.
Ride it out, annd if your DH can't deal- send him off for a walk or to do the shopping.

aintnothinbutagstring · 24/09/2017 00:31

Surely tutoring should be sharpening ability which is already there? Is she in the top set in her class, has she previously been mentioned as g+t by her teachers. Our dd will sit an assessment to be tutored for the 11+, but she has always been very academic, she loves working out the NVR and her previous teachers have made mention of her high reading age and potentially g+t in literacy. Surely it shouldn't be such hard work if its meant to be?

cluelessnewmum · 24/09/2017 04:57

There's a state that says you're the average of the people you spend the most time with, I think that's the issue with the comps, the education / teachers may not be that bad, but it's who she would be mixing with. Sorry to be snobby but it will affect her aspirations. So I do get why why feel this is important.

Find a new tutor, I think 1to1 / a much smaller group would benefit her, this tutor is obviously not tailoring to her needs, especially if the other pupils are more motivated / academic.

PP advice about visiting the comp v grammar will give a reason to try maybe, and small treats in exchange for units of time working will help.

But I think you should also not make too big a deal out of it as what if she does buckle down and work but not perform on the day of the exam and end up at the comp anyway, it could really impact her self esteem / motivation.

cluelessnewmum · 24/09/2017 04:57

*States not state, sorry

Heathen4Hire · 24/09/2017 05:21

Put the books to one side and force her outside to play. Invite one of her friends round for tea. Get in a pizza, and chill.

If she is academically bright she'll get through it but you are putting too much pressure on her. She's 9 fgs. Let her have her childhood.

Maggiemoomoo17 · 24/09/2017 06:33

I would say that if she doesn't really want to do it there's no point in putting her and yourselves through all the stress. My daughter was similar. Very bright so sent her for tutoring for 11 plus. She wanted to do it then never wanted to do the homework so we dropped it. If she's not up to doing the work now and you push her into it if she does get into the grammar school it will be a hell of a lot harder for her there. I'm glad my daughter never went to grammar school there's a lot of pressure. She went to local comp got excellent A level results and has just started at a good uni

sashh · 24/09/2017 07:05

He even quoted the local comps GCSE results at me to put the pressure on us even more.

And he can predict those grades in 7 years time? And even if he could then can he predict your dd's grades? And how much is he charging you?

Let her be a child, save your money and tutor in year 10/11 if she needs it.

What else do the comps offer? Are they supportive? Do they have excellent art and music?

Will your dd be HAPPY there? Will she be happy in a grimmer? Ask yourself if you want your child to be happy?

If the top blueberries are taken of to the grammar then what the comps deal with and teach is what's left.

newsroom.unl.edu/announce/csmce/755/3329

Headofthehive55 · 24/09/2017 07:23

I did read some interesting research that showed the difference what's schools make.

IT concluded a good school (selective) was worth one half of a grade over a poor comp to each child.

A lot of angst for that.

OneOfTheGrundys · 24/09/2017 07:33

Both my DS have the same tutor. As pp have said, she works with them as individuals. If they're tired, struggling, fragile, whatever she is very gentle with them.

The tutor does not sound right for you or your child. If you want to tutor, start investigating others who fit better. Some dc, families thrive on the competitive, be the best always stuff. It wasn't for us and the DS tutor has become almost a family friend now. They like her and doing some extra learning each week isn't awful as a result.

It doesn't have to be this way. There is a middle ground between not tutoring at all and the pressure he's placing on your Dd and the family!

Chemicalrainbow · 24/09/2017 07:40

What is the progress 8 score for the local comprehensive?

SecondaryQuandary · 24/09/2017 07:45

Headofthehive - I don't think anyone would bother if it was just about the grades...

Awholenewstart · 24/09/2017 07:51

How about you compromise - keep the tutoring but ask th tutor not to set homework. An hour a week one to one for a year is plenty to help her through the 11+ if she is able enough.

Ktown · 24/09/2017 07:57

I'd change the tutor and do 1 hour every 2 weeks.
If you have to tutor so much she will struggle and possibly drop out anyway.

Ballyhoobird · 24/09/2017 08:17

Whatever you do, ditch that particular tutor. He/she is making you feel guilty and shit about all this, imagine how they are making 9 year olds feel. I'm hugely grateful not to live in a grammar area, the school options sound hideous to me - that's something you can't help presumably but the tutor is firmly in your control.

Chairmancow · 24/09/2017 08:52

Its true about that the choice of school isn't just about grades. We have a few choices of comp. All academies with good facilities etc. Good ofsted too. Its just I worry that she's going to underachieve if she gets in with the wrong crowd.
I bet there's plenty of bright kids at these schools who haven't quite made the grade for grammar but will still do well. Let's hope so.
£100 per week is a lot to spend if she might not even get in too!

OP posts:
OneOfTheGrundys · 24/09/2017 08:56

I work at a high school and our intake is comprehensive in an 11+ area. The 11+ is a very blunt instrument. We have 2 grammar stream classes in every year. There are a significant number of children who 'should' be in grammar. And vice versa at the grammar.
Our grammar streamers do very well.

OneOfTheGrundys · 24/09/2017 08:56

Well, 4 gs classes on each year actually. 2 on each side of the year group.

Toomanycats99 · 24/09/2017 09:05

We are in the a super selective grammar area. We did 121 tuition for an hour a week from the start of y5.

They key thing for me was my daughter was quite happy to sit down and do her homework - around an hour a week to start plus school homework.

The grammar schools have an hour plus a night homework so they need to be able to do it willingly otherwise you are in for years of battling.

I will admit I was completely focused on getting her into a grammar and could not bear the thought of the other options. However after a summer where the stress hit her we have actually relaxed and not done much work and what will be will be. (We are waiting results) the other options are actually not the end of the world and what is most important is that she is happy for the next 7 years where ever that is.

leeloo1 · 24/09/2017 09:07

'a bright child, with supportive parents and a happy home life WILL DO WELL WHEREVER THEY GO'

I thought the same, but it's not true for all kids, as mine didn't. He went into school so keen and eager to learn. He loved science and construction, was reading at a high level and got a 2b sats in maths in Reception (with no preparation or support). After not being challenged /supported to work to his abilities, a string of constantly changing teachers, unambitious classmates and a lackluster head teacher my son was basically depressed and demotivated. He'd learned he could do the work quickly as it was so easy... Or not do it and there were no repercussions.

And this was a 'good' school, who do a good enough job of helping most of the catchment of children who come in with no English etc etc.

Thankfully family rallied round and helped us pay for private and he's a different child. I'd assume he was just getting older, as no longer keen to work or learn new things, but no... It was the effect of school. After a term of private, he's now like the child he was before 3years of bad schooling had worn him down.

But, the homework is a struggle and sometimes I wish there wasn't so much - and my ds is the same as he doesn't get down to it quickly. But I see it as my job to teach him to get it done and then he'll have time to play. He's also 9 and most children won't have a work ethic yet-we have to instil it in them.

BertrandRussell · 24/09/2017 09:09

Why do you think the"comps" are "shit"?

oncewasawarrior · 24/09/2017 09:09

I'm going to go against the grain here. There's a lot of people on MN who (for for very valid reasons) aren't fans of GS or tutoring. They make some excellent points, but.... you could have been describing my DD 2 years ago. We had her tutored 2 hours a week plus homework for independant school exams in London as we were in a state school dead zone. It was a nightmare. So much so that my mum took to "dropping by" a couple of nights a week to help out!

However, it's for a defined period of time and eventually things got better. A combination of threats (IPad removal), treats (Zara vouchers), pleas, negotiation, standing over her.....She sat for 3 schools and got 2 offers.

She's now at the school that all the received wisdom says she'd struggle at as she was so intensively tutored to get in, and she's LOVING IT. Lowest maths set, but middle sets for everything else. Doing loads of sport and drama and has lots of lovely friends. Her work ethic has improved a lot and she's managing her own homework and planning.

Genuinely the best thing we could have done for her.

Ttbb · 24/09/2017 09:10

Take her on a tour of your local comps followed by a tour of your roughest local estate. I'm sure her work ethic will undergo a dramatic change.

MessyBun247 · 24/09/2017 09:10

Stop the tutoring. If she's academically smart enough, she won't need tutoring to get into a grammar. Do you want her to get into a grammar then spend years struggling?

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