To pull my daughter out of tutoring?

[Chairmancow]

Another shitty weekend ruined by trying to get uncooperative Dd (9) to do her homework. She started tutoring for 11 plus 3 weeks ago and we've all had enough already!
She's not able or willing to independently get on with the piles of work she has to complete each week. Consequently we have to stand over her helping her and scolding her when she pisses about. Which Is frequently! We are so frustrated with it all. It's spoiling all our weekends. I've doubts about her ability to work quickly enough to pass it anyway.
Should we quit or keep on?
The comps round here are dire, obviously if they were any good I would never have started all this.
Dh doesn't deal with stress well (mental health problems) and I think we're both feeling under a lot of pressure to not to let her do badly at school.
Advice please!

Just to clarify it's not one to one but in a group. There's about 7 of them in the class.
I spoke to the tutor today and he recommended carrying on until Christmas and reassessing then. He is of the mindset that you have to push them to achieve their best. I felt he was judging our parenting a bit if I'm honest. Maybe we are just quitters. That's the the impression I got from him.
He even quoted the local comps GCSE results at me to put the pressure on us even more.
I just want to snuggle up with a good book with her and not suck all the joy out of her education.
It's the worry that we are failing her somehow though that won't leave me.

You should be aware that there is a very anti-tutoring anti-GS vibe on MN, so the replies you get here aren't representative especially as this is AIBU. Try posting in the tutoring section or the secondary education one.

FWIW a good tutor should be able to scale the work up or down to what the child can cope with. it may be that it isn't tutoring that's the issue, it's this tutor. 1 on 7? sounds like he's just in it for the cash. most tutors I know are 1:1 or certainly no more than 4

Maybe she just isn’t an academic child?

You can’t force her, perhaps she’s internally struggling with the workload you’re giving her and is taking it out by being a handful. You’re just seeing her being a brat but in reality she doesn’t want/like the extra work, might feel pressured & insecure and is acting out as a result.

I'd cut the tutoring down to an hour a week and see how it goes or change tutors. This certainly isn't working. But I wouldn't give up just yet.

1 to 7 ratio plus homework? It sounds like the tutor is in it for the cash. You could be better off working through workbooks with her in the time that she would usually go to the tutor and not do the homework.

But the local comes results reflect the fact that they are missing the top 25%.

My FiL constantly goes on about how amazing our local sixth form college is. Yes it gets great A level results. But it selects kids on their GCSE results, so every kid there already has a proven record of achievement. And anyone who trails off is slung out. Obviously they are going to get great results.

I don't think many adults would wilfully do an extra 2/3 hours work after already doing a 30 hour week (plus whatever other commitments she has to fill her time) without a proper (financial) motivation. Children rarely see investing in their education as a motivation and if she is truly struggling or not interested in academic work then she probably isn't suited to a grammar school anyway.

If the schools are so terrible then is there no scope to move to a different area of its that important to you?

Local comps

Are the comprehensives actually dire? Or is it that their cohort results are not as good as the selective schools? Which is pretty much to be expected really.

OP no offence but it isn't really about you. "He is of the mindset that you have to push them to achieve their best. I felt he was judging our parenting a bit if I'm honest. Maybe we are just quitters. That's the the impression I got from him." So what is he looks down his nose at you! You are paying him so of course he is going to get the thumb screws out if his income is diminished!

"I just want to snuggle up with a good book with her and not suck all the joy out of her education." A very good choice.

"It's the worry that we are failing her somehow though that won't leave me." As I say, it's not about you, but her. Do you feel that this level of stress and homework is good for her right now? If not, what are your options? Could you and your dh and dd take a step back, think about options for her study and do some of the stuff she will enjoy, some good stuff and work towards your goals in a measured way.

My dd is dyslexic and we had horrendous trouble with homework. She stopped all homework for about 2 years. She was fine. School is a massive struggle for her, homework or not, but home was becoming part of he school problem.

If the grammar school is the best option you can still go for it but just find a gentle route that will keep everyone's mental health in check.

You are a good mum, you do have your dd's best interests at heart (I imagine), just find a more gentle route if you can.

Please stop, you may put her off learning for life. If she's finding it all too hard then the work is not for her and nor is the tutor.

If she's not inherently interested in all this for herself OP, you will have an uphill struggle.

I'd put the whole thing on ice. Take the pressure off and try a different kind of learning. Days out at museums and galleries - see if she enjoys that. Learning about history, geography, biology etc together at weekends, reading books and visiting places, without any kind of formal pressured template.

He is of the mindset that you have to push them to achieve their best

He should be of the mindset that some children respond well to pushing and some don't. And you have to tailor your approach to the individual child. He doesn't appear to be doing that at all.

It's the top 23% for grammar here I think. We live in a relatively deprived area i.e. lots of kids here with low aspirations which obviously impacts on the results the comps are going to get. I'd like to think DD will aspire a bit higher than some of the others but who knows?
I admit it's snobbery on my part which has taken us down this path.
The grammar system sucks here and I hate it!

Why don’t you get her a one to one tutor? This is what most people do, for 1hr a week. This will be more focused on your DD and her abilities.

Class of 7 kind of defeats the whole purpose, it’s just a another group classroom and if she’s not keeping up, she’ll be left behind again, just like school.

Don't do this to her, she has one childhood and you want her to enjoy it rather than end up stressed out because of the pressure she is under.

Maybe it's worth changing a tutor and going for 1:1 lessons. As you describe it, the bulk of the work is done at home by you. This might not be the best fit for your child. An individual tutor can scale work up and down, I.e. The level of difficulty, the amount of it, concentrate on areas your daughter needs. It is not something you will find in group tuition, I am afraid. Meet your daughter half way and say agree 3 or 4 hours of homework a week, but no more. It needs to be manageable long-term.

How shit are the comps, exactly? If she's finding doing 11+ prep a pain, she's not going to thrive in an academic environment like a grammar school, I would think.

I think the problem is that the tutor you are using is not the right fit your DD's needs. My DS does about an hour of tutoring and about 30 mins of homework a week. The tutoring is in small groups but each child is working on different work at their own pace, there are lots of computer-based exercises during sessions and at home. It seems to be suiting DS well so far.
Are there other tutors you could visit and talk to?

I failed my 12+. Not because of intelligence. According to my mother, when I took it in 1983, schools were only allowed to spend a very limited amount of time preparing the children for it. I buckled under the stress of the exam conditions with no prep.

I think your dd is buckling under the stress of over zealous prep.

The school I went to would have been in special measures by today's standards. For starters, the government only funded 5 'O' levels and we had to sit CSE in the non core subjects. I was terribly unprepared for A' levels, having massive knowledge gaps and either scorned by some my teachers or looked at as below par. My grades weren't very good at all. Despite this, I went to university and have a degree.

You are trying to be good parents. And right now, you're doing a lot better than my parents every did by me. As others have said, do the tutoring when it really counts. That will be later on to help her get good grades and fill in the gaps from her secondary school if she fails the exams. She's so little at 9. My dd is 9. She'd hate this pressure too.

I do totally get where you're coming from though. The school I went to is ofsted rated unsatisfactory.

That tutor sounds horrid.

Fwiw at her age I was at a school where we had no homework at all. (It was the 70s). And we did very little constructive when we were at school - there was a lot of sewing, sport, pottery. I still got into a highly academic independent at 11. It can be done if it's within her natural ability level. And if she doesn't get in then it's not the right school for her.

Children can develop enormously between 9 & 11. I'd dial back for the rest of the year and start again when she's 10 with a different, more compassionate tutor, one on one - specific to her needs.

Also, OP, I would trust your own gut feeling about schools. As previous PPs have said, there is a strong anti-grammar agenda on MN. As somebody who used to live in an area with dire secondaries, true sink schools, I understand you completely. I would rather bite my right arm off than send my child there, even if all of MN were telling me those schools were really not that bad and maybe even all right considering. YOU know better than a bunch of strangers who are not in the situation you are in. Trust your instincts and do what is best for you and your daughter.

You've got an unsuitable tutor for your child.

Ours does 1:1 and n homework. DS adores him.

The 11+ takes you to the dark side. Be careful what you wish for.

DS took an 11+ today. It took every inch of my willpower not to say to him, D'you know what lets fuck this off and go and have breakfast. And he's a kid not phased by tests.

You've a whole year to go and it sounds like it'll be misery all round unless you knock this on the head now.

Oh OP, listen to me: your daughter clearly had a lot of support from parents who love her very much. As a teacher and coming from a family of teachers, I can tell you this: a bright child, with supportive parents and a happy home life WILL DO WELL WHEREVER THEY GO. Please believe this. Don't make her life miserable with tutoring she hates and in all honestly probably doesn't need. She will be working very hard at school as it is. Let her have time off to relax and recharge. She will be fine, whichever school she attends. Good luck :-)

Oh and I'm not anti GS, I am a GS child. I still think the current 11+ system sucks and that its spawned a tuturing culture that just isn't good for kids.

But I'll tell you this, if you're Tutoring for much more than exam technique your child shouldn't be going.

Being the least able at GS is fucking dismal.

"has", not "had"!