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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

498 replies

coldair · 23/09/2017 14:48

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 23/09/2017 18:28

Hmm. I think this is one that is too difficult to resolve either way.

FWIW (probably not much), I drank occasionally during my pregnancies. Abstained until 20 weeks each time (except with no. 3 I had a couple of small glasses of wine at 11 weeks on a very rare birthday weekend away with a friend I barely ever see) and thereafter one small glass about every 2-3 weeks. The levels the OP is describing would have felt like too much for me. And if I were in the OP's position I probably wouldn't be happy, tbph. In that sense I probably don't assent wholeheartedly to the bodily autonomy argument in this case. But actually, I have to, because the alternative and its implications are too dreadful. So OP, while I think it's a shame and potentially a bit worrying that your partner won't listen to your fears and cut back - even to something like a glass a week - I don't think there's anything you can or, crucially, should be able to do about it. And again, FWIW (precisely nothing, seeing as I'm not a scientist), I think your baby will probably be OK.

Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 23/09/2017 18:32

I think (having RabitmoreoftheFT) the risk aversity argument is a red herring here. Over here in Germany, they are MUCH more sane wrt a lot of the risks of childhood than in the UK, where you risk wrath for letting your 10yo go to the corner shop alone. But the recommendation here is equally for no alcohol during pg. (I didn't stick to it, as my post above indicates. I second the recommendation to read Expecting Better that someone posted above).

This said, the example that always gives me pause, and makes me wonder about the agenda behind a lot of this pregnancy 'advice', is that a lot of the chemicals in cleaning products are probably not great for the foetus, but nobody ever, ever tells pregnant women to stop cleaning. Hmm

MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 18:33

Not be in any way facetious because I believe this to be true;

If men were childbearers the government guidelines would be aligned to the fact that there is no evidence of harm inherent in light to moderate drinking in pregnancy.

Just think for a moment whether or not you disagree with me.

TiffanyDoggett · 23/09/2017 18:41

This thread is madness!

I can't believe so many on this forum are so actively against a few small drinks!

So many sensible posters have linked research to show that it does no harm . Like so many posters before, I'm going to say it's about risk analysis again. I've been gardening/harvesting like a mad woman which actually is one of the most dangerous things a pregnant woman can 'indulge' in and it's not necessary but I enjoy it. Far, far more risky than drinking but I doubt I'd be subject to this kind of scorn that's always reserved for women daring to live their lives. Wine

KrytensNanobots · 23/09/2017 18:43

is that a lot of the chemicals in cleaning products are probably not great for the foetus, but nobody ever, ever tells pregnant women to stop cleaning

Yeah, there's just one glaring difference there. You don't go round necking a glass of Mr Muscle or Toilet Duck every other day, do you. Hmm
unless you're Father Jack Grin

MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 18:47

If only hazardous chemicals could only be ingested through the oral route, eh? Hmm

filou87 · 23/09/2017 18:48

Having sseen foetal alcohol syndrome in children in my family, I don't understand why anyone would consume alcohol at all during pregnancy. OP you have got some really shocking replies here. It must be very difficult. I gave up all caffeine and alcohol the day i found out i was expecting and made my diet even healthier- why wouldnt you? It's a few months of your life and best for mum and baby. Wishing you and your partner a healthy pregnancy and baby.

KrytensNanobots · 23/09/2017 18:50

If only hazardous chemicals could only be ingested through the oral route, eh?

Didn't say that, did I Hmm
Of course you can ingest hazardous chemicals in other ways.
Do people seriously use strong bleach and hazardous chemicals every other day though?
As that's potentially harmful to developing babies too and seems a daft risk to take.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 23/09/2017 18:53

Well, domestic use of pesticides - which also don't tend to be 'ingested through the oral route' - in pregnancy has been linked by more than one study to childhood leukaemia. Which might indicate that you don't have to 'ingest [a substance] by the oral route' for it to be harmful. So Hmm back :)

And I did say, if you had read my post properly, that the amount of alcohol the OP's partner is drinking would be too much for me and I wouldn't be happy with it as the OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2017 18:54

Bloody glad I don't clean!

MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 18:54

I cleaned my bathroom with flash every other day throughout my five pregnancies, I used to enjoy the fumes (!)
Bleached my loo every day and was a bit of a zoflora junkie too.

I also had the odd glass of wine, drove, drank coffee and dyed my hair.

So far they are all fine and dandy, as you would probably expect tbh.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 23/09/2017 18:55

'Bloody glad I don't clean!'

I'm with you there! Grin

MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 18:56

Oh and I even had a CT scan of my head at 8 weeks with one of mine.

I should probably just toddle on over to the stocks and await the lynch mob.....

Lndnmummy · 23/09/2017 19:00

Personally I would not be happy with this at all.

geneveve · 23/09/2017 19:06

Lynch mob!?! There are more posters on here who are happy to drink that those who are willing to abstain. It says alot about the world today. I'm just glad that the ops other half is not carrying my child.

mumofone234 · 23/09/2017 19:09

As an aside, I agree about the cleaning products - there should be better guidance about avoiding them while pregnant.

PurpleDaisies · 23/09/2017 19:09

I studied this and other aspects in college a couple of years ago. And it's simply no alcohol at all during pregnancy. They have found children of women who had the occasional drink during pregnancy develop foetal alcohol syndrome but also ones who were heavy drinkers.

I studied this in medical school and I don't agree that the evidence shows light drinking leads to FAS.

Can you link to your studies please?

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 19:20

Oh Christ caffeine I had forgotten that one. I drank caffeinated coffee throughout both my pregnancies. I am a bit of a caffeine addict and yes I did watch the levels but I still drank it every day. I dunno. Maybe I am hugely selfish but although the baby was my priority in pregnancy I did also still attach a degree of priority to living my life and enjoying the things I liked.

Proudmummytodc2 · 23/09/2017 19:30

Hi OP I haven't RTFT but I just wanted to say that I don't agree at all with drinking in pregnancy.

People are hypocrites on here tho.

There was a woman a few weeks back who was pregnant 8 weeks if I remember correctly and she was going to a wedding and didn't want anyone to know so asked if a glass of wine or champagne would be ok just one for the full day and everyone on the thread ripped her apart and no on here because they though you were male that they would go opposite just to call you controlling.

It's a joke and it's selfish do people realise how lucky they are to be pregnancy and carrying such a miracle and they can't even abstain from drink for 9 months makes me mad.

I don't really drink once a year at a family party I have 3 wines that's it and I didn't drink at all when I was pregnant with both of my kids before someone jumps and says "have you even been pregnant" yes I have and none of the times I have been have I drunk. No need at all.

I think maybe you should have a word with the midwife just to confirm if she is going to do any damage because I don't care really if it's her body she is the one that has to protect that baby she will need to change her way of thinking and living life for 9 months, it's not a lot after all.

PurpleDaisies · 23/09/2017 19:40

There was a woman a few weeks back who was pregnant 8 weeks if I remember correctly and she was going to a wedding and didn't want anyone to know so asked if a glass of wine or champagne would be ok just one for the full day and everyone on the thread ripped her apart and no on here because they though you were male that they would go opposite just to call you controlling.

Any chance of linking to that thread? Most of those are fairly evenly split between posters who think you're the spawn of satan for considering even one glass of wine and those who recognise that the evidence doesn't support harm from that level of drinking.

confused123456 · 23/09/2017 19:43

I don't think it's a problem.
I drank throughout my pregnancy, not much, a very weak spirit with mixer, or a small wine topped with lemonade (so a hell of a lot less than normal. No I'm not an alcoholic before anyone says that). My baby was fine.
My mum smoked and drank through all 3 pregnancies and we were all fine.
As long as she's not getting drunk then I really don't see an issue.

PollytheDoily · 23/09/2017 19:45

No you are not being unreasonable. Can't believe the responses on this thread to a man v other threads when the pregnant woman asks if it's ok....

PollytheDoily · 23/09/2017 19:46

There was a woman a few weeks back who was pregnant 8 weeks if I remember correctly and she was going to a wedding and didn't want anyone to know so asked if a glass of wine or champagne would be ok just one for the full day and everyone on the thread ripped her apart and no on here because they though you were male that they would go opposite just to call you controlling.

I read that thread too, hence my disbelief at the duplicity on this one.

Thatsnotapotato · 23/09/2017 19:48

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