To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

It's not just 9 months is it. There's plenty of public judgement and disapproval of people who don't want to breastfeed because they don't like it (such as me) and then it continues on throughout decisions such as working, child rearing, education

Pregnancy is only the start of people having an opinion on women and how they live their lives and accusing them of selfishness/undeserving of children if it doesn't conform to some sort of selfless altruistic ideal

People do their own risk assessment. I personally don't think there is ANY risk to 1-2 units of alcohol per week during pregnancy. None. I didn't do that BTW but I don't think it is a risk.

I ate pineapple, which in large quantities can cause miscarriage. I drank tea; ditto. I drove. My friend ate sushi, because in her country they TELL you to.

Of course she is, but when did drinking become such an important and necessary part of everyone's lives? I'm pretty sure people can have a decent life for nine months without drinking. If not, that's a bit sad.

Fair enough, but that's not quite the same as saying people shouldn't have children or are undeserving of them if they don't completely abstain in pregnancy, as has been said or alluded to on this thread

I had probably the same amount of alcohol in my second pregnancy. First time I did it all by the book and second time round decided to relax. I really don't believe for one second those levels are an issue. Your nagging however could cause added stress which we all know is bad in pregnancy. Hth

(I'm drinking wine just now so my judgement may be slightly clouded.)

BakedBeans I actually agree with you 100% there - it's just this one issue that I think we differ on.

Is there genuinley evidence that light drinking is good for a baby like quite a few poster are suggesting (like more than one study) I can see there not being much harm in it but I'm dubious about a benefit.

Advice changes so when I was pregnant one or two glasses was allowed
I'm tee total anyway but I could have followed guidelines and had a drink.

The advice changed a while ago though, has it reduced the incidence of fetal alcohol syndrome? Like when the cot death guidelines came in and deaths reduced a lot.

Lana You seem fixated on your car example, but I don't think you read any of the rest of what I said.

But MrsTerryPratchett...their risk taking is fine....despite carrying similar levels of harm as a few units of alcohol.

Is there genuinley evidence that light drinking is good for a baby

No. There is evidence of a correlation between light drinking and outcomes for children. That is NOT proof. because to have scientific 'proof' of something you need to do well-constructed studies that separate people randomly and assign them to drinking and non-drinking groups. Needs to be 'blind' so no one knows who is drinking and not.

This is clearly impossible to do with pregnant women (for alcohol and almost everything else) which is why so few medication are 'safe' in pregnancy etc. There will never be 'proof' that women can or can't drink small amounts. It's just impossible to ethically do a study.

I agree with OP - would be v unhappy about this level of drinking. Really hard for the OP as obviously you can't tell your partner what to do but it's your baby too and you want the best for them. It's not rocket science that alcohol is a poison and even if it won't result in FAS at this level, it's not going to be great for the baby and therefore v selfish of the mother in my opinion not to be able to abstain for a few months. It would make me question her whole approach to parenthood to be honest. I know I'm in the minoroty from reading some of the thread but I just can't fathom not tea eating your body kindly during pregnancy and knowing that if anything was wrong with the baby you at least did everything you could.

*treating not tea eating!

I feel sorry for the op. She is concerned for her child. But that seems to always be forgotten that it's not just the pregnant persons child. Yet the other parent has to stand by and not voice any concerns as to not stress the pregnant mother. It's all about selective if you ask me.

Have people on here never heard of foetal alcohol spectrum disorders?

No mumofone I did read the rest of what you said.

And it's pointless.

You took risks.
Other people take different risks.
Just cos your risk is socially acceptable, doesn't make it any less statistically risky when it comes down to it.

You make choices based on risk.
I make choices based on risk.

It's all abit selective if you ask me.

Have people on here never heard of foetal alcohol spectrum disorders?

Yes, several people on here have said that they do.

Funnily enough, most of them (inc me) are not worried by the OPs partners drinking levels.

See MrsTerryPratchetts posts for a start.

Offer to give up booze while she's pregnant too.

Sorry..
*Yes, several people on here have said that they do. and have personal experience of it, that should say.

I also think we have become extremely risk averse to the detriment of our children. I regularly get 'looks' and comments because DD is hanging upside down from the top of the biggest climbing structure she can find. What do the 'how can you take the tiniest risk to your child' brigade deal with assessing acceptable and beneficial levels of risk?

That just isn't comparable. Of course you've got to let children take risks such as swinging on things, or climbing trees etc. They're their own person, and need to be able to explore safely and not cotton wool wrapped.
Nobody's saying they never take any risks during pregnancy anyway. Of course they do. Why you would drink every other day whilst knowing you were pregnant is an easily avoided risk though and
alcohol alters mind states of grown adults, so why would you drink it so much with a still developing baby inside you?

Every other day feels like a lot. But you're going to get a mixed bag of responses on here. At the end of the day it is her body. I know it's also your kid, but you can't really stop her, same as when you see a pregnant woman smoking.

How about sushi as an example then??

In this country you are told in no uncertain terms to absolutely not eat it.

In other countries it's prcatically compulsory.

So which one is right?

I am clearly of low intelligence. Teetotal and unrealistic expectations of evidence.

I studied this and other aspects in college a couple of years ago. And it's simply no alcohol at all during pregnancy. They have found children of women who had the occasional drink during pregnancy develop foetal alcohol syndrome but also ones who were heavy drinkers.
However there are also many women who were drinking throughout pregnancy have had healthy babies.
This is why they recommend not to have any alcohol at all during pregnancy.
It can happen on one pregnancy and not the other.
If you Google foetal alcohol syndrome you'll see the symptoms in babies.
One visual would be far apart eyes but obviously that would need to come with other symptoms to be foetal alcohol syndrome.
Having said that there's nothing you can do really other than talk to her. But maybe offer something else to wind down instead.

Maybe a massage or a bath.
It's her body and her choice.