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To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

498 replies

coldair · 23/09/2017 14:48

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

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FenceSitter01 · 23/09/2017 15:13

if I were your partner I'd leave you - you're controlling.

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coldair · 23/09/2017 15:16

Timeisnotaline - that article is not in anyway conclusive, rather suggests that more research is needed. And that is the issue isn't it - we haven't got the conclusive research. Therefore why take the risk?

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Whocansay · 23/09/2017 15:16

Yes. YABU. She is not drinking to excess here and you nagging her will not improve her stress levels.

And Dr Google is not a reliable source. There are research papers for both sides of this argument. You are just using the ones you agree with.

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BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 15:16

Why can't you trust her to make sensible decisions for herself?

Presumably she has the best interests of her baby at heart, just like you?

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LadyLoveYourWhat · 23/09/2017 15:16

The risk is much lower than you think. Back off, pregnant women are policed far too much.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2017 15:18

We haven't got the conclusive data on broccoli or side sleeping either. Because you cannot assign pregnant women to groups and do double blind studies. All you can do is look at correlation. Forever. There will never be conclusive evidence on this matter.

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Justanothernameonthepage · 23/09/2017 15:18

I drank in my 3rd pregnancy, not as much (1 every trimester) but I did crave beer like nothing I had before to the point where I'd have to have sips of DH beer every week. non alcoholic beer didn't do it. There were no scientific studies that show low levels of alcohol are dangerous.
But on a practical note. You can't browbeat or nag her into stopping if she has judged the risk to be minimal. You can stop buying and drinking alcohol around her. You can talk and find out if she's finding this pregnancy harder (physically or mentally). You can try to do new things with her and the family that aren't associated with drinking.

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BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 15:20

Because OP they're never going to say anything is 100% safe. That's just not how things are worded. There isn't any evidence that light alcohol consumption will cause any harm.

I had an amniocentesis in pregnancy and even my letter giving me a clear result was full of caveats and saying the result couldn't be deemed to be 100% accurate - even though it is! (As far as I know)

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MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2017 15:21

And that is the issue isn't it - we haven't got the conclusive research. Therefore why take the risk?

I will assume you are a male partner. Because you seem unable to grasp how much women are controlled. Because 'you wouldn't want to take the risk'. Of walking home alone, of wearing that, of saying that, of doing that. And then you get pregnant and become a mother and even more of your behaviour is policed. And you can't win any more. Because at least in the days before motherhood, there was a 'right' way. Now you're a mother anything you do is wrong.

So please refrain from policing your wife in her own home. And your daughters if you have any.

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LazyDailyMailJournos · 23/09/2017 15:23

What would you guys do in this situation?

What do you think we'd suggest - apart from talking to your DW? It's her body. She is the one carrying the baby, taking the risk of pregnancy and birth. There is nothing you can do - unless you were planning to lock her in a room for the rest of her pregnancy? Hmm

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coldair · 23/09/2017 15:23

No I'm a female partner. Maybe that does make a difference too. I don't know.

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Justanothernameonthepage · 23/09/2017 15:23

The constant nagging and critiquing during pregnancy is probably doing as much damage as the light drinking (look up the studies on effects of stress on unborn babies) . Not to mention the effect it's probably having on your marriage. Back off, have low alcohol options and talk. Make sure you don't drive her to hiding her drinking from you.

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HarrietKettleWasHere · 23/09/2017 15:23

The 'no alcohol at all' 'advice' goes on the assumption that all women are thick and we cannot tell the difference between 1-2 units a few times a week and getting off our tits every day from morning to night while the poor baby attempts to thrive inside us.

We are not thick. Sounds like your partner has complete grasp of the reality that a glass of wine on some days of the week will do fuck all apart from take the edge off your nagging.

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Gottagetmoving · 23/09/2017 15:25

Of course it's best to have no alcohol in pregnancy but that amount is more likely to be harmful if your wife also has other issues, like smoking and bad diet. If she is healthy overall then it will probably not do much harm.
Most risks are over emphasised to make sure that women take them on board and because it's easy to go over limits if you continue your pre pregnancy habits.
I think stress from you having a go at her would be more harmful.

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LazyDailyMailJournos · 23/09/2017 15:25

The fact that you're female makes no difference at all.

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Justanothernameonthepage · 23/09/2017 15:26

Sorry, just seen you're her wife. Do you think there might be a subconscious element to how you would 'do pregnancy' resulting in tension that is flaring up around this issue?

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HeebieJeebies456 · 23/09/2017 15:27

People assumed you were male hence the double standards.

Personally, i don't see an issue with the amount she's drinking.
However, that is your child too and you have EVERY RIGHT to be concerned!

I suggest you seek the opinions/advice of your consultants/gp/midwife/NCT to find a way forward.

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imjessie · 23/09/2017 15:28

I don't drink at all during either of my pregnancies , one of my children is fine , one has sn . I don't know why anyone would risk it . They did question wether I drunk at all so it obviously is a risk to the baby ( aside from AFS )!!

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MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2017 15:28

It makes a difference to me that you're female. Surely you can empathize more with the shit women are told they have to do all the time? Wear this, do that, don't talk like that and on and on... and you're a mother so you must get the constant feedback from the people on how mothers should/shouldn't work, BF, hover/allow independence, do everything blah blah blah?

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FuzzyOwl · 23/09/2017 15:29

You've obviously decided that YANBU and it is clearly going to make no difference what anybody else says.

Personally I don't drink during pregnancy but it is my decision and my DH does not influence me. I think this is really something, along with your parenting style, that you really needed to discuss and agree upon before deciding to have a child.

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user1487175389 · 23/09/2017 15:29

Could you get tested privately to see if either of you carry the gene for FAS? Then you'd know whether it's worth you getting stressed about?

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coldair · 23/09/2017 15:29

Justanothernameonapage maybe you are right, all I would do differently would be no alcohol though. However maybe I should just let it go.

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Whatsforu · 23/09/2017 15:30

I'm with you it's not worth the risk. A few units a week can be harmless in one pregnancy but seriously affect another. That is why they currently say not to drink. Have any of you people seen the effect of fetal alcohol syndrome? Not worth the risk.

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Moreisnnogedag · 23/09/2017 15:30

Honestly you need to back off. It is her body and her right to manage her pregnancy however she sees fit.

Have you stopped her driving? Working? Each and every activity we do carries a level of risk. Why on earth do you think you get to pick what she does? Every day she is likely to come across people who have an opinion on pregnant woman are allowed to eat/drink/do: coffee, tea, raw vegetables, cooked vegetables, fish, eggs, red meat, stress levels, lifting/carrying, running, exercise, etc etc. The list is never ending and the least you can do is back off.

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BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 15:31

What does she say when you raise it with her?

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