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To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

498 replies

coldair · 23/09/2017 14:48

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 15:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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coldair · 23/09/2017 15:33

Fuzzyowl if that were true why would I have posted on here?

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MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 15:34

My mum's side of the family are French, trust me that if this level of drinking was harmful the vast majority of babies born in continental Europe would be damaged.

It's common to have a glass or two with dinner even when pregnant amongst lots of Europeans.

I find it perplexing that drinking small amounts of wine in pregnancy is so vilified. There is no evidence that it is harmful as far as I'm aware and anecdotally I believe it not to be.

Having said all of this, it's up to you to discuss this with your wife. She still has a right to bodily autonomy and presumably she is of reasonable intelligence and free from addiction issues?

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kaytee87 · 23/09/2017 15:37

If she's having 3 or 4 glasses of wine per week that could be between 7-10 units per week. Seems like a lot to be honest.

I don't think the odd drink in pregnancy will do any harm but what you describe is regular drinking.

I don't even drink that much when not pregnant.

Does she feel like she needs to drink?

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Oly5 · 23/09/2017 15:37

Your wife is drinking way more than the recommended levels - a beer is not a single unit of alcohol!
And I say that as somebody who has a small glass of wine a week in pregnancy as I believe the risks are small.
How big are the glasses of wine? Has she added up the total units across a week?
There's no evidence that drinking up to 4 units a week is harmful... But the evidence is mixed after that

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coldair · 23/09/2017 15:38

Bakedbeans47 when we talk about it, it's more that she firmly thinks it's fine to drink -
The risk is minimal. We don't have full
Blown arguments, it's just worrying me and I have a friend in the states who is a research and tells me that it's the last 8 weeks where the brains developes the fastest and that's where alcohol can do damage.

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Justanothernameonthepage · 23/09/2017 15:39

I really think this is something that you should drop with your wife, as hard as it is.
But you've made your case to her and she hasn't found it convincing. You can't force her, criticising her us only going to cause stress for the two of you (and the baby). Maybe find a therapist who you can let loose at with your worries/concerns.

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Rocketbuddies · 23/09/2017 15:40

I didn't drink in pregnancy and don't generally think its ever a good idea but NHS guidelines do say 1-2 units once or twice a week is 'okay' so 4 a week probably won't cause any harm if she is otherwise healthy and pregnancy going well.

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C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2017 15:40

There is no real evidence that small amounts of alcohol are harmful, there have been studies suggesting a small effect both ways but nothing conclusive.

I had HG each time so it was academic for me until third trimester but my GP was adamant - if I wanted a glass of wine I should have it occasionally and that the HG was far more likely to be dangerous, which put it in perspective.

I was working in France toward end of the first pregnancy. They were astonished at teetotal pregnancies - a glass of wine with dinner was absolutely normal. My Italian godparents equally thought it odd not to have a glass with dinner (we are not talking modern bucket glasses here in either case, just single unit sized glasses).
Like most things, a bit of moderation is sensible.

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Hairyfairy01 · 23/09/2017 15:43

I would be annoyed too OP. It's your baby aswell and you have every right to express your thoughts and opinions on this. I thought pregnant women were now advised to not drink at all as they simply don't know what is the 'safe' level of drinking for the foetus during preganacy? Personally I can't understand why anyone would want to take the chance. If the child were to develop any problems wouldn't you always be wondering 'I wonder if I hadn't of ......' ? Mind you I feel the same way about pregnant mothers smoking or not at least trying to breastfeed. Surely you should want your baby to have the best start in life possible and limit any risk of ill health etc as much as possible?

However I really don't know what you can do about it. Discuss it with her midwife maybe? I suspect it's probably more than 1 unit every other day as well. You say 'at least' and how big is the glass?

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BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 15:43

I don't think you can do any more OP. Trust her judgment and that she has done her own homework.

When I was pregnant with my second I used to measure out 100ml of wine and have a glass on average every 10 days. Until I got to the last trimester and the heartburn was so bad! Maybe that might kick in and put her off, nature's way of stopping mum having a wine Grin

I am sure all will be fine. There's people who don't find out they're pregnant till the baby is born down the toilet and the mum has got smashed throughout and all is well. Not ideal of course and anecdote is not evidence, but try and get it in perspective x

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 15:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Flossy1978 · 23/09/2017 15:51

Chill out.

Italians and the French drink during pregnancy. One glass every other day isn't going to harm the baby. Nor is your first born damaged. Jesus.

I knew a lady who had low blood pressure during pregnancy. She was ordered by her doctor to drink a glass of alcoholic cider everyday to get her pressure up. Her child is fine.

Chill out.

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greendale17 · 23/09/2017 15:52

YANBU- she is drinking every other day. How is this acceptable to posters here?

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Whatsforu · 23/09/2017 15:52

Why take the risk considering the poor child could be left with lifelong problems. Op speak to your wife about FAS. She may not realise.

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MissAlabamaWhitman · 23/09/2017 15:53

www.french-paradox.net/book/fpbkch19.html

This is interesting and may help to allay your fears/provide the start of a logical discussion with your wife.

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RedForFilth · 23/09/2017 15:57

On this thread you seem defensive (especially when replying to my post) and a bit angry/aggressive. I'd probably need a drink too if I was your partner!

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sparechange · 23/09/2017 16:05

But a copy of the book 'Expecting Better' and stop over reacting

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coldair · 23/09/2017 16:05

Thanks bakedbeans47 and the French paradox is good too. We hadn't even talked in terms of units so maybe I chill and we just drink a nice 100ml together :-) (I probably need a drink too!)

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xotyl · 23/09/2017 16:09

YNBU
So to everyone who thinks it's ok to drink when pregnant, how much alcohol did you give to your new born babies?

As alcohol enters an unborn babies blood stream at the same level it enters yours, surely it's less risky to give it to them when they are born as they can metabolise it easier than unborn baby.

So go on how much did you put in their bottles?

Didn't think so. For fuck sake it's such a short time out of your life that could effect theirs for ever.

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Ilovetolurk · 23/09/2017 16:09

Sounds like your partner has complete grasp of the reality that a glass of wine on some days of the week will do fuck all apart from take the edge off your nagging.

My sentiments exactly

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CosmoSmallpiece · 23/09/2017 16:13

There was research published recently highlighting the lack of evidence that light drinking during pregnancy is harmful, expert reaction here - www.sciencemediacentre.org/expert-reaction-to-study-looking-at-potential-harms-of-light-drinking-in-pregnancy/ - think this comment may be of use "However, the findings should also caution us not to create a situation where mothers-to-be are made more anxious, or subject to unnecessary moral judgement, on the issue of very light alcohol consumption."

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Newlacesleeves · 23/09/2017 16:13

YANBU. If there's no known safe level, why would you take the risk?
www.nhsggc.org.uk/about-us/media-centre/news/2017/09/no-alcohol-no-alcohol-harm-warning-to-mums-to-be/

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TalkinBoutNuthin · 23/09/2017 16:15

If it wasn't for the fact that the smell of alcohol made me want to puke, I would have quite enjoyed a glass or two of wine while pregnant....

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Whatsforu · 23/09/2017 16:17

FAS is totally preventable. If you don't drink alcohol your baby cannot get FAS. Simple. You lot are trying to kid yourselves. It's 9 months ffs!!!!

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