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To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

498 replies

coldair · 23/09/2017 14:48

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 16:19

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Viviennemary · 23/09/2017 16:20

No I'm afraid I don't agree with this her baby her choice when it comes to smoking and drinking in pregnancy. I don't know the statistics for drinking and I must say I don't think a drink every other day sounds that bad. Get medical advice and confront her with it.

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hidinginthenightgarden · 23/09/2017 16:20

I am so surprised at how many people think this is okay.

Personally, when pregnant I didn't drink a drop. Not because I a saint, but because if something had happened, I would be torturing myself over it, knowing I could have tried harder to keep my baby safe.

OP, know that you did everything you could for your child. You cannot stop her from drinking and if you keep on at her it may damage your relationship.
At best you could ask the midwife what the "recommended" limits are and see if she will listen to her. This may end badly though if your wife is offended.

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 16:21

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Whatsforu · 23/09/2017 16:22

No I have taken plenty of risks when it comes to my life I would not take a risk with my childs life. There are enough things that can go wrong.

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Viviennemary · 23/09/2017 16:24

It isn't fine to drink and smoke during pregnancy. And using the her body her choice line is such a cop out to alleviate guilt. So it's fine to give a baby FAS because it's you're right to drink. Or cause other damage by smoking.

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 16:25

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Whatsforu · 23/09/2017 16:25

It's her childs body and unfortunately the child is not getting an option. It will be the child who lives with outcome of mum drinking alcohol.

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ConciseandNice · 23/09/2017 16:27

Firstly, I drink a lot, I have wine every night. I've had five babies and the moment I've known I was pregnant I stopped. Throughout. Not a drop of alcohol was had and for months after while I was nursing a small baby. If I can quit for a year or so then most can. It is a shame that she won't. It's not worth the risk.

Secondly and more importantly, it's her body so there's literally nothing you can do. If she doesn't want to quit, then she has every right to carry on. It may be in many people's opinion a selfish and pretty dumbass thing to do, but there it is. Sorry.

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 16:27

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Starlighter · 23/09/2017 16:28

I'm gobsmacked at these replies! The dad has a right to be worried about the health of his child! And perfectly within his rights to raise these concerns!

I'm not totally against alcohol in pregnancy but every other day sounds excessive. IMHO, if anyone can't abstain from too much alcohol, or anything else that might harm an unborn baby, for just a few short months then they are probably too selfish to be having kids in the first place. Children, especially their health, should come first from day one.

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Viviennemary · 23/09/2017 16:32

We all know that it isn't illegal to drink or smoke during pregnancy. But a partner is certainly within their rights to raise concern. I wouldn't like to be with a selfish person who put themselves first before the health of a child. Smoking and drinking in pregnancy harms an unborn child. Whether or not one drink every other day is harmful would be a matter for a medical person to advise on.

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OutComeTheWolves · 23/09/2017 16:32

There's been an awful lot of drinking during pregnancy threads on mumsnet recently Hmm.

A couple of units a week is fine. Incidentally research shows there's a lower incidence of behavioural problems in children of mothers who drink 1-2 units a week during pregnancy when compared to those born to women who both drank zero units throughout their pregnancy and those who drank more than 2 units a week.

If you're going to read research make sure it's well done research that takes other mitigating factors into account (drug use, mum's age, attendance of ante-natal appointments and most importantly if alcohol consumption was self-reported or measured in a more scientific way). Many many studies are very badly carried out and result in a lot of scare mongering. Off the top of my head though I can think of two well implemented Australian studies worth looking at.

For further piece of mind it's worth remembering that incidences of foetal alcohol syndrome are no higher in countries where it's more common to drink the odd unit of alcohol than in the uk and us. Furthermore, there's been no decrease in the number of babies born with 'problems' which could be attributed to alcohol since women in the US and UK began being told to avoid alcohol altogether.

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 16:33

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LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 23/09/2017 16:33

My mum drunk a pint of Guinness every single day for the nine months she was pg with me, it was recommended by the doctor.

I have absolutely no ill effects.

On the other hand, I know someone who really is an alcoholic, who drunk several pints a day minimum, and now has a child with FAS, it's really fucked her kid up, at nearly 4 he is the size of an 18 month old, still in nappies, still not talking, and she is absolutely blind to her involvement in his issues , despite SS involvement.
So I have actual experience of this shit.

Look, what she is drinking is fine.
In most of Europe, this would be completely normal and healthy, my Spanish friend drank a small glass of wine every night while pg, as do the vast majority of her compatriots.

UK advice is based on the, frankly offensive, assumption that literally no mother is capable of being restrained, and that as soon as we get a glass of wine in our hands we will drink till we puke.
It caters to the lowest denominator, those who cannot judge or think for themselves, and who wouldn't think twice about drinking to exces, despite thte fact that those are people who wouldn't give a shit even if drinking in pg was made illegal.

We absolutely cannot start dictating, no matter how unpalatable, what women can and can't do with their own bodies, whether pg or not, that way madness lies.

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LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 23/09/2017 16:35

For further piece of mind it's worth remembering that incidences of foetal alcohol syndrome are no higher in countries where it's more common to drink the odd unit of alcohol than in the uk and us. Furthermore, there's been no decrease in the number of babies born with 'problems' which could be attributed to alcohol since women in the US and UK began being told to avoid alcohol altogether.

^^ This!

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KrytensNanobots · 23/09/2017 16:37

Can't believe the responses you're getting!
Back off,
You're too controlling
Her body
Are they so harsh because people automatically assumed you're a man?Surely people don't think drinking every other day when pregnant is a good thing. Confused

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Hopefully001 · 23/09/2017 16:37

Well firstly I am so disappointed to see all these comments from people who think that drinking even a drop let alone a glass of wine every other day is ok. As a mother of two children who were born addicted to alcohol and spent their first six months in intensive care being withdrawn from such toxic liquid, I can tell you, it’s no walk in the park. There’s a condition called FAS or FASD otherwise known as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Spectrum Disorder, both are very real and very damaging. Every drop of alcohol has an impact on the unborn child, throughout their development in the womb. So for example you could have a glass of wine when the brain, or eyes are developing but that alcohol will then have an impact on that development.

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Whatsforu · 23/09/2017 16:38

But according to this thread people are ignoring the advice to not drink!!!!

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Pengggwn · 23/09/2017 16:39

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Hopefully001 · 23/09/2017 16:42

Not only does it have an impact there and then, it’s a life long developmental condition. There are plenty of websites available to research this very topic and sadly there are thousands upon thousands of children who are suffering for their entire lives because their mothers couldn’t say no to one more drink.

If you love your child, why would you want to take even the smallest of risks. Drinking whilst pregnant is a form of abuse in my eyes and also in the eyes of many thousands of parents who are trying to educate the powers that be of the life long damage caused by drinking during pregnancy.

If I were you, I would tell your partner to go online and check out FASD websites. Tell her to read the posts and blogs and then decide if she really can’t go without that last tipple.

Drinking during pregnancy should be a choice, it should be illegal. Because those children don’t deserve to struggle for the rest of their lives because of a decision that wasn’t offered to them.

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craftsy · 23/09/2017 16:42

But the fact remains that one drink every two days will not lead to FASD.

That fact does not remain. The only two facts are that 1; drinking alcohol in pregnancy creates a health risk for the foetus. And 2; the more alcohol drunk the greater the risk and we do not yet know if there is a minimum safe level.

A long term study in Denmark showed that even very low consumption of alcohol during pregnancy correlated with lower sperm counts in adult males. There may be a safe level but if so, we don't know it yet so the best advice is to abstain.

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OutComeTheWolves · 23/09/2017 16:43

Also the posters who said above at alcohol entering the baby's blood stream at the same rate it enters the mum's. This categorically isn't true.

Although research has shown that the speed at which you drink will affect this. Basically if your dp is downing more units in an hour than her liver can handle, some alcohol may cross the placenta. One or two units within an hour or more and it's not the case at all.

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LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 23/09/2017 16:46

Well firstly I am so disappointed to see all these comments from people who think that drinking even a drop let alone a glass of wine every other day is ok. As a mother of two children who were born addicted to alcohol and spent their first six months in intensive care being withdrawn from such toxic liquid, I can tell you, it’s no walk in the park. There’s a condition called FAS or FASD otherwise known as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Spectrum Disorder, both are very real and very damaging. Every drop of alcohol has an impact on the unborn child, throughout their development in the womb. So for example you could have a glass of wine when the brain, or eyes are developing but that alcohol will then have an impact on that development.

But you are stating the most extreme cases here.

Do you really believe that in countries where a glass of wine with dinner is normal for pg women, that their kids are somehow damaged??

So most of Europes kids are inherently damaged??

I'm sure the German mothers I know, who drank during pg, to the amount advised by their doctors will be interested to hear that their over achieving, clever kids have been damaged terribly by the small beer they drank.

I too have direct experience of FAS, but a few units every week is categorically not the same as a full blownpiss up/addiction.

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Ttbb · 23/09/2017 16:46

Not st all, that's no different to putting a drop of brandy in a baby's bottle to help them sleep. It may not harm them, plenty of people have done it but that doesn't make it ok.

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