To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

Why would anyone want to take the risk? If my dh was able to be pregnant and drank I would not be happy at all.
And those saying it's about controlling women, are you saying it's a lie?

*My 7 year old son has FAS. His birth mum drank a couple of glasses of wine a day. He has irreversible, but totally avoidable, brain damage because she drank. If she hadn't been drinking, he wouldn't be developmentally delayed, he wouldn't have a learning disability, he wouldn't have hearing, behavioural, continence and feeding problems and, most heart-breakingly for us, he wouldn't be struggling to make friends at school now because the other children are noticing that he's "different".

It's not often a thread makes me angry, but this has. Alcohol is a teratogen that the placenta cannot filter out, so if you have alcohol in your bloodstream, so does the baby. You can spout the "Your body, your rules" stuff all you like, it doesn't change the fact that if you want to avoid the risk of exposing your baby to "the most common non-genetic cause of mental and behavioural problems in children"
(*https://patient.info/doctor/fetal-alcohol-syndrome-proo**) DON'T DRINK.
Everyone is different, that's why they haven't been able to accurately pinpoint a safe limit (That and who in their right mind is going to volunteer for a human study knowing they may harm their baby?). I'm quite sure that some of you have had a drink whilst you've been pregnant and your children are fine. I'm sure some of you were told to drink stout whilst pregnant and your children are fine. You were lucky. Others have had the same amount and not been so lucky.

I shall now climb down off my soapbox!*

Thank you.

People are pro the op's wife being able to make her own choice because it's her body. Not necessarily the drinking in of itself.*

Absolutely. Her body. But the drinking is absolutely relevant to this.

Definitely not good at all. Most women stop drinking completely in pregnancy - I maybe had one drink - champagne on nye when I was pregnant. Maybe get a medical professional to speak to her.

YANBU, I think she is drinking too much and am surprised at the level of vitriol you are getting.

It's simply not worth the risk and this is your child too. Sadly though, there isn't much you can do. Her need for alcohol trumps your worry or the health of your child (in her head).

YANBU. Why on earth she's wilfully endangering her unborn child is entirely beyond me.

A beer isn't one standard drink though, is it? And most glasses of wine poured at home are more than one unit. If 4 drinks = 8 units then that's quite a lot. There's a big Danish study looking at the subtle effects of alcohol on 5 year olds. They found that 9 or more (standard drinks) per week consumed during pregnancy was associated with less complex pictures in the Draw A Person test.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5139916/

Once you get into subtle neurocognitive differeremces the kids will "seem fine" but with regular, weekly consumption I'd be worried too. Especially about executive functioning problems, which may present as ADHD-like in later childhood.

I think it depends whether you think of the effects of alcohol as binary - binge or large amounts = bad; low to low/moderate amounts = absolutely fine, or if you acknowledge that it is a teratogenic drug and potentially harmful at low doses as well.

This thread has my blood boiling.

My DCs are now 22 and 21. Whilst carrying them I absolutely did not drink, smoke or eat certain cheeses etc. They were too important! My then DH didn't have worries about me but if I was drinking I can guarantee you he would have said something and I would have listened. He wanted those babies as much as me and has always been a brilliant, supportive father. Because he's been their father from the moment of CONCEPTION.

I'm older now, too old lol, my now DH we've been discussing this thread. If we had a baby (maybe a decade ago) he would absolutely have a 50% say in his child. Unlike with his ex who did what OPs wife is doing plus drugs. His DD has hearing loss and other issues, due to this? Anyone's guess, who knows. Oh and she also registered the births without him then used the "im the mother" crap all along.

Guess who has suffered?

I'm a mother too but want my children to have both parents. Before I get flamed, I get there are shit men and useless fathers out there and there are women that need to keep their children to themselves. Mine wasn't. My DH wasn't. This woman's body stuff is sometimes used for the wrong reasons.

Ha, this thread interests me - I remember starting a similar thread asking if I would be unreasonable to have one WKD on my birthday and got completely flamed

When I tried asking if it was okay, I got shot down. But suddenly a man asks about his unborn child's welfare and they get shut down.

I think if you opt in to continuing a pregnancy, you should not smoke or drink on a regular occasion. You're looking after someone else and making decisions they have no say in because they have no voice as a baby!

When I tried asking if it was okay, I got shot down. But suddenly a man asks about his unborn child's welfare and they get shut down.

Not a man. The op is a woman.

Not a man. The op is a woman.

I'm struggling with the apparent difference. Like a man, OP is totally out of control of her unborn child's wellbeing which is the crux of her starting this thread.

This debated escalated quickly. My original post aside, this debate is really insightful.
I really don't understand though why it made a difference to a lot of you whether I was male or female. I'm a parent, we are a team and it is our baby.

It did get pointed out early on however that maybe there was a bit of my subconsciously of "I wouldn't do it like that" which was maybe true. It is obviously her body and her decision and she does the hard work (well may I add). I did went through the IVF for this and it was hell - so maybe, actually highly possibly there this that subconscious (probably not so sub) part of me that thinks I may do it different.

I do feel terrible that some of you have assumed she is also a terrible parent. That is simply not true. I think that in the UK culture we just don't have a clear cut view on this and as a result it has worried me, probably unnecessarily as loads of you have pointed out.
Thank you to all who have given useful/helpful advice it's much appreciated x

Sorry, my mistake.

But even so, I think it's terribly sad that the OP has to stand by and keep her mouth shut whilst her wife makes these less than savoury choices for their baby

This is your kid too so yes, you have every right to be upset. There is mixed research and one from time to time seems to be generally accepted but one every other day, I'd be asking questions.

I do feel terrible that some of you have assumed she is also a terrible parent. That is simply not true. I think that in the UK culture we just don't have a clear cut view on this and as a result it has worried me, probably unnecessarily as loads of you have pointed out.

OP. Not unnecessarily at all. You are right to be concerned. You know that. I'm sorry but don't be swayed imo.

I agree with the OP I would hate this I just couldn't risk it even if the risk is very small it's just not worth it. When your pregnant your body is no longer just your own and your responsible for another life. I would rather cut it out for 9 months and not run the chance of something awful happening and it being my fault

For the people on the thread who appear to have an issue with women's bodily autonomy - what's the solution you propose? It's all very well to purse your lips and be outraged but what do you actually think you can do about women exercising their bodily autonomy in a way you don't approve of?

My H is a fantastic father as well and as I said above I would take his views into account if I were pregnant but there would be fuck all chance he'd be dictating to me what to do with my own body.

I think you're right to be upset. How silly not to cut down just for a few months.

I can't understand why a woman would drink during pregnancy.

I don't need to read about risks, or NHS guidelines, or studies, or anything else. I just need to know one thing. If I drink, then it passes through the placenta to baby. Do I want baby to have alcohol? No. I don't.

9 short months. Drinking every other day, so for 20 weeks out of 40 alcohol is being consumed.

If roles were reversed, I would be very upset if my pregnant partner was drinking. Sorry, I don't know what to suggest.

Polly "this women's body stuff" jesus christ.
How can you have that attitude?
So when pregnant you did as you were told by your dh yeah?
Women aren't incubators.
Yes it is there body and there is fuck all anyone can do about it thank God.

I don't understand how people don't realise how important this is.

Legally and morally no one has any say over my body.

I don't need to read about risks, or NHS guidelines, or studies, or anything else. I just need to know one thing. If I drink, then it passes through the placenta to baby. Do I want baby to have alcohol? No. I don't.

yep, this. And I like my alcohol.

Some MNer's DHs go away on stags twenty minutes before their wives are due and everyone tells the women they are joyless harridans to mind.

Been on here donkeys years and never have I ever seen someone berate a woman for minding if their DH went away on a stag minutes/weeks before giving birth.
Quite the opposite in fact, and plenty of LTB's.

I totally agree with you op. But i'm afraid i dont know what you can do about it if youve already discussed it and she still wont stop.
Abstaining from alcohol for nine months plus breastfeeding time was the very least i could do for my dd. And I absolutely love alcohol.

You have a right to feel upset. It's your child also. I don't know what you can do practically, however. This topic is so unusual on MN, people always saying it's OK to drink but specifying "a small glass of wine" or "champagne at Christmas" as a way of minimizing it. I wonder if these people are measuring ml per glass to be sure it was "small" The average glass of wine is more than 1 unit, so if OP's partner is drinking a drink every other day that could be 6-8 units a week. That is not a healthy level of drinking in pregnancy.

It's your partners right to drink but it's absurd to say you aren't allowed to any feelings about the behavior. I hope your baby is born healthy!