To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

It seems a shame people cant give up drink ,just for a few months so they know their baby wont be damaged.

It's a shame people don't understand the difference between light drinking (which there is no evidence causes FAS) and drinking at harmful levels.

If this was a woman posting shall I drink four or five drinks a week I pregnancy I think the answers would be very different.

Every other day is more often than I'd have been comfortable drinking, but as others have said at the end of the day it is the pregnant person's choice?

We didn't disagree over anything like this when i was pregnant, but have had a tiny bit now I'm breastfeeding. Dd is allergic to cows milk, soya and eggs and reacts to traces in my milk after I've eaten it so I've had to give up eating anything more than tiny amounts. DH is more cautious than I am about risking me having bigger amounts and it really annoys me when he tells me off despite me knowing he means it for the best and is thinking of DD. The compromise weve reached is if he asks me not to have something, he has to volunteer an equal sacrifice - e.g. not having pudding. It may sound petty but it helps me feel like I'm not in it by myself. Have you asked your partner if there is anything you could sacrifice having that would help her feel better about drinking less?

And that would be a different situation altogether, as has already been stated.

buzz her mother is lying.

If this was a woman posting shall I drink four or five drinks a week I pregnancy I think the answers would be very different.

Surely you can see that that is a different situation? She would be asking about what to put in her own body, not telling someone else what to do with theirs.

DH is more cautious than I am about risking me having bigger amounts and it really annoys me when he tells me off despite me knowing he means it for the best and is thinking of DD. The compromise weve reached is if he asks me not to have something, he has to volunteer an equal sacrifice - e.g. not having pudding. It may sound petty but it helps me feel like I'm not in it by myself. Have you asked your partner if there is anything you could sacrifice having that would help her feel better about drinking less?

You make him give something up because he expresses concern for your child's wellbeing! You know that's the only reason and he's not being an arsehole??

Just wow!

I think that's fair. Parenting should be shared, and that means the shit bits too.

My husband would have liked me to BF our second child but I just didn't want to. End of discussion. My breasts and my body not his. He didn't push it though.

Yeah shit bits that dh can control like early mornings and night feed but to not let him have pudding because he cares about his kid! I wouldn't do anything like this to dh and if he tried to do it to me I'd tell him to stop being daft. But as I said earlier misery loves company!

Some MNer's DHs go away on stags twenty minutes before their wives are due and everyone tells the women they are joyless harridans to mind. But people love to control women.

buzz Of course it's possible that possible that birth mum only had 5 drinks a week. But there is overwhelming evidence is that FAS requires far more units to be consumed..... OP, I am 7 years post pregnancy and the official advice when I was pregnant was 1-2units once or twice a week.... depending on what your dp is drinking that might not be far off. I will day that my understanding of the move to nil was more about simplifying the risk rather than a known risk of moderate/low levels of drinking

What works for you and your partner/DH has nothing at all do with anyone else, and what works for someone else and their OH has fuck all to do with you. Why is it any concern of yours how she negotiates her approach to things? She can ask for whatever support she deems most helpful, and he can then evaluate whether his concern for his child outweighs his need for a pudding!

Breathe deep ladies, that's the heady whiff of state and peer imposed guilt cleverly keeping you all in your place

My 7 year old son has FAS. His birth mum drank a couple of glasses of wine a day. He has irreversible, but totally avoidable, brain damage because she drank. If she hadn't been drinking, he wouldn't be developmentally delayed, he wouldn't have a learning disability, he wouldn't have hearing, behavioural, continence and feeding problems and, most heart-breakingly for us, he wouldn't be struggling to make friends at school now because the other children are noticing that he's "different".

It's not often a thread makes me angry, but this has. Alcohol is a teratogen that the placenta cannot filter out, so if you have alcohol in your bloodstream, so does the baby. You can spout the "Your body, your rules" stuff all you like, it doesn't change the fact that if you want to avoid the risk of exposing your baby to "the most common non-genetic cause of mental and behavioural problems in children"
(patient.info/doctor/fetal-alcohol-syndrome-pro) DON'T DRINK.
Everyone is different, that's why they haven't been able to accurately pinpoint a safe limit (That and who in their right mind is going to volunteer for a human study knowing they may harm their baby?). I'm quite sure that some of you have had a drink whilst you've been pregnant and your children are fine. I'm sure some of you were told to drink stout whilst pregnant and your children are fine. You were lucky. Others have had the same amount and not been so lucky.

I shall now climb down off my soapbox!

If the mum is expected to severely restrict her diet and the things she likes in the name of "giving the baby the best start in life" it's hardly unduly onerous to ask him to go without the odd helping of cheesecake, is it?

Mazzystarlett,

Agreed agreed agreed.

Not onerous but imo, and that's all it is I'm not saying I'm right, completely pointless and just a tad spiteful, dh has done nothing wrong, actually being a caring, involved dad and he's punished!

I also agree maxzy

I'm shocked that so many people are so pro drinking in pregnancy at that level. I'm by no means tee total, I love a wine but I can go months without even thinking about one even without pregnancy.
I'm 20 weeks and have craved red wine loads but haven't touched a drop because I know how upset my other half would be and its not like I need it. It's just a treat I can live without. Having 4 a week in pregnancy does seem excessive to me.

How is he being punished?

The BF mum is a darn site more selfless than I'd have been I'd have stopped BF and put the baby on prescription formula.

actually i know the dif ,1 drink can damage the forming brain,,just 1`

Me too baked! I am just saying that I personally would not have made dh go without something just because I couldn't have it!

I'm shocked that so many people are so pro drinking in pregnancy at that level.

People are pro the op's wife being able to make her own choice because it's her body. Not necessarily the drinking in of itself.

The mother has done nothing wrong yet she is punished to a far greater degree (stupid term imo but if you're going to apply it let's be fair about it), the least he could do is show his support in a tangible way such as sharing some of the sacrifice.