To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

Until a child has been successfully born, a foetus has no other advocate than its mother, whose body it lives in. Disagree with that if you like, but legally and ethically, it is the mother's decision what to do with her own body whilst pregnant.*

Gosh, how utterly clinical. Right of course but, even so.

I think it's because the worst special needs I've seen in school without exception come from drinking. More so that drugs or and other 'abuse' ( know that's wrong, don't really know how else to word it). The three cases I have seen have been so so serve and totally unnecessary. I'm not equating it to 4 drinks a week but it puts me off.

But you'd think if mum was the only advocate the baby couldn't be in better hands. Sadly not the case!

Peng you're repeating yourself, no one is denying your factually right. People are having a moral debate! I don't want to strap op's oh down to stop her having her spritzer! We're just debating how we feel about it! OUR opinions!

Well there's no HE because they're both woman. One woman is pregnant and carrying the child, correct. However it's gunna be THEIR child, not her child.

*No. But alcohol regularly during pregnancy is not ok. If your OH was concerned about you doing this, would your need for a drink trump his opinion on such a thing?

(Not saying you did of course!!)*

Well what would be the alternative? That the non pregnant parent would be able to exert control over the body of the pregnant one? These things are obviously tricky where there are competing interests but given the alternatives no one and nothing should be able to override the rights of anyone of mental capacity to do what they wish with their own body.

I think everyone knows what the legal situation is. But morally it's pretty shitty that in this situation the partner apparently gets no say and has to sit back and watch. If the baby is born with anything at all wrong the op will always wonder if there's a link and that could destroy a relationship.

Actually some of the worst outcomes come from male abusers violently assaulting women in pregnancy, forced prostitution and coercive, abusive relationships. But dealing with that would involve actually prosecuting men who abuse women and that's just not a priority.

In Canada I've have some contact with an organization that works with women actively using drugs in pregnancy. Obviously they are offered abstention based support but if they choose to carry on they still get good antenatal care, counselling, a safe place to live and all the other important things (good food, vitamins etc.). Their outcomes are much much better than you would think, with the babies achieving very good outcomes (and the women).

Shaming and tutting is so much more fun though...

pengwynn I understand what you are saying, I really do. But there has to be a line where a mother needs to take on the responsibility and rights she has. The odd drink, yes, but OP is right to be concerned.

If baby is born with effects from alcohol, will mother be posting on here as her OH won't help with such? Then OH getting flamed, LTB, etc etc. Seems unfair that the other parent all of a sudden has rights and responsibility after birth and none before.

"Seems unfair that the other parent all of a sudden has rights and responsibility after birth and none before."

Couldn't agree more.

Well done for recognising the risks...I would suggest that around aged 6 you check whether your child is healthy happy and meeting the required milestones...if they are..you're lucky! Alcohol has serious, lifelong ramifications for anyone who was subjected to drinking before birth...your children might be lucky or they might not! We live with birth mums choices everyday x

I would find that really difficult. It's not just her body, it's the body of your baby, that's the point.

Peng are you honestly saying if you saw a shit faced pregnant woman you would be free from moral judgement and think good for her, exercising her right to body choice! Or if you saw the two ladies on the thread bickering in a bar about the pregnant woman drink you wouldn't be on ops side?

You are missing the point entirely.

In order to safeguard the inalienable rights of all women, the vast majority of whom are perfect capable of acting responsibly and making perfectly reasonable decisions about their own body, you have to be willing also to safeguard without exception the rights of those who would make the kinds of decisions that you personally would not agree with.

This seems to be an incredibly difficult concept for so many people to wrap their heads around.

Judgement does not come into it.

I think you can't get your head round the fact no one is disputing that a woman has total control over her body nor would they want to change it. It's still shit to see see a pregnant person pissed! You feel for the child, that's all!

Is the OP's wife getting pissed now?

Gosh, talk about drip feeding!

It's totally her decision but imo it's totally the wrong decision.

In my eyes if you want her to not drink you also shouldn't touch a drop, just the same as if you wanted her to stop smoking you should stop too. Being pregnant is like being exhausted starving and the anger and stress when you're desperate for a shit and there's no toilets around all at once sometimes so she might need it to help her relax. Try help more with LO if that is possible and see if she can relax without a glass of wine. One drink every other day is unlikely to do much harm though imo

Yes she can have 4 drinks a week, because SCIENCE. Actual alcoholics MOSTLY have normal babies, people smashing more than 8 units per day.
The hysteria around low alcohol consumption is neither logical or helpful (and no I am currently not drinking in my pregnancy).

I think part of the issue is that people don't understand drugs, don't understand science and don't understand bodily autonomy.

Almost anything, including water, is toxic in big enough amounts. Lots of drugs have a therapeutic dose, a toxic dose and a lethal dose. So yes, alcohol is a 'poison'. But a small amount of wine has health benefits.

I'm not saying people should drink... but there is a very real difference between getting pissed when pregnant and having a glass, as there is at any other time!

Saying that something has no safe dose in pregnancy doesn't mean it's been proven to be harmful. Just that it hasn't been proven to be safe. Along with broccoli, rice, mushrooms and anything else. Almost NOTHING has a scientifically verifiable safe dose in pregnancy because we tend not to experiment on pregnant women.

we adopted a little girl who came to live with us age 1.she was 5 when we adopted,her birth mum drank a couple of glasses a week,as she got to4/5 we noticed more things she has full fas ,facial features as well as learning disability.we were told her brain was affected when mum was around 9 weeks pregnant,tbh not all children have facial features,but can be damaged ,living with the affects daily ,it seems a shame people cant give up drink ,just for a few months so they know their baby wont be damaged.