I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

Pandora, calling me thick whilst being unable to provide any evidence for your opinion that children's homes and boarding schools are fundamentally different doesn't make me thick, it makes you desperate and lazy.

Qvar, key difference, the children in SS run facilities are very troubled, as the aim is to place looked after children in foster care as far as possible. So once they're in residential care, they're already in a bad place. Also, boarding schools are educational establishments primarily, whereas children in residential SS care go through state education.

It's never ok
I went to a school where there were boarders and even the older ones had " issues "
Out of the whole school there were probably about 4 who were better off boarding than being at home and if it was a choice between following my husbands career and being with my children I know which one I would choose!!
As for people who argue that their child asked to go, what sort of relationship do you have with your child if they want to leave home at an early age?
My fil is 77 and is STILL damaged by being " sent away" age 7

My dd friend when to boarding school at 10. I just dont get it either in this day and age.

The children in care are there for hundreds of different reasons. The main reason to safeguard them from their parents. Children at boarding school are not there because there home life poses a risk.

Your attitude is nasty and pretty damaging to people who choose to send their children to boarding school.

YANBU OP it seems crazy.

there are many people on this thread who were damaged by being at boarding school too young, and who know people who are damaged through being at boarding school from a young age.

So are we saying that the key difference is that in a children's home, the damage is already done and it's considered to be a place of safety, and a boarding school ... is the opposite? Takes undamaged children and damages them? Or only damages a third of them, leaving the toughest - what - 60% to run the world? What are we sayong about our vulnerable people when we consider their damage as a chance worth taking?

As for people who argue that their child asked to go, what sort of relationship do you have with your child if they want to leave home at an early age?

My DS looked around the boarding house when he went to the open morning. He really liked the set up and did ask to board (he was 8 when he joined the school). We said no - we didn't think it would suit him - especially as we live just around the corner from the school. I don't think his desire to board (which he saw as an adventure) is any reflection of our relationship with him.

Nowadays he agrees that we made the right call (he's 11), but for the first year he was there he kept bringing it up again and again. He went and had tea with the boarders a couple of times when we were busy (it's an option offered), and really enjoyed his evenings there.

I think boarding schools have a bad reputation now because of the shocking cases of SA that have come to court in recent years. Children are very vulnerable there far away from their parents, and I wouldn't ever be able to trust the school to keep my children safe.

So no way would I send my DDs away to school even if I could afford it.

I have nothing against boarding school in itself, my mum's siblings were at a number during various stages of their life given my grandpas work.
That being said, I would not and could not send my children at 8years old. Secondary is the earliest I would send them and only if they expressed the greatest interest and they were the right fit personality wise.
I know children who have thrived in boarding schools (live on Caribbean expat island so plenty of kids go off from here).
It's not for us but my kids are little - if they were very focused on one area like sport and received scholarship then I'd consider it.

Far, far too young. Unless the family is very dysfunctional, family life is much healthier for kids that age than an institution.

He might still end up as a boarder - Brexit means my job is likely to move abroad in 2019 or 2020. We'd board him rather than disrupt his education. Of course he'll be 13 or 14 by then and very familiar with the school, the staff and the other boys who board.

I still don't know what a state run childcare facility is like, but a good boarding school has an ethos of caring for yourself and others, and emphasis on education being important (rather than "uncool"). They play sport or have an outdoor activity every day, many extra-curricular activities which include music lessons, art, drama, board games, cookery, gardening/farming and the list goes on. They usually don't have to do homework (at home), so when they are home, they can relax and play.
I understand that many people say they would never send their child to a boarding school, but why disparage those that do?

HarryLimeFoxtrot I can imagine that I might have asked to board at 8. But it would have been the result of reading too many exciting sounding boarding school stories, I would within days have been very homesick.

Boarding at 8 seems brutal. But I know a fair few teens who are ready to go at 13. It's a time when lots of teenagers naturally want to distance themselves from their parents. It wouldn't work for my DC as they are real homebodies, but I don;t think boarding school is bad in itself from 13 onwards. At 8 though... God help them. I just want to cuddle every one of them.

My dd begged at 8 as she knew which school best fit her future career. We made her wait until she was 11, I hate it when she's away.
She loves it, will take any opportunity to stay when she could come home and is thriving.
We never met anyone who boarded or had done, until dd joined the school.
It doesn't sound so alien to you OP if you know lots of your dd's friends who boarded and as you aren't against it, maybe you'd consider it yourself.
What if one of your children asked to go?

I have 4 close friends who started boarding between 7 & 11, because their families were working overseas. All 4 of them are confident, adaptable, extrovert, caring, well-rounded people and only one of them hated it. She didn't miss her parents though, she missed her dog!

I also have a friend who boards her 9 & 11 year olds Mon-Thurs. Her husband is in the navy and she frequently has to travel for her job. She always makes sure she's there to she pick them up from school on a Friday and take them in on a Monday though. The kids sometimes tell her they wish they could board full-time because they miss out on stuff that the full-time boarders do at weekends. The trade-off is that she is around for all the school holidays, so they get plenty of quality time with her, and with him when he's not at sea or based a long way away. If she gave up her work, I think the family would suffer a lot financially (her husband is only a petty officer, which I don't think is very senior, and he can't give up his job without seriously damaging his pension entitlement).

I think that's preferable to the sort of routine endured by some of the children at the prep school my ex worked at. They would be collected by the school bus as early as 7.00 and dropped off in the evening at gone 6.30. Some of them were as young as 4, the poor kids must have been shattered. I doubt if they spend any quality time with the family during the week.

It's not ideal, but I don't think it's dreadfully wrong.

Dotty surely she should call 101.
Nope I couldn't send DD at that age, but hopefully the parents will keep a close eye and move her if she's really unhappy.

I think it is an odd choice in this day and age unless special circumstances.
My cousin boarded from 10 or 11. Her mum died and dad wasn't British and worked in Nigeria running a factory. He lived in a compound but it wasn't safe for a family to live there, no international schools. I suppose he could have sent her to live with elderly relatives in his home country (small island) where she didn't speak language. Or he could have given up job and returned to island 'home' with her with no job but it wasn't her home. she was British and had a typical middle class life, local primary school, went to brownies and dancing etc. I don't think he would have had right to work in Uk so no way to support her even if he was allowed by immigration to come here full time. So I think in the special circumstances best of a bad job was her getting Uk education and at least being able to speak English, carry on hobbies etc, see friends and Uk relatives.
Her brother was deaf and went to boarding school for deaf in Uk. He would have been 6 or 7. Again if his mum hadn't died he probably would have gone at 11 or 13 but they did best they could.
One off dds friends flexiboards from 10. Her mum is a single parent with a job with international travel. Prior to that she stayed with very elderly non English speaking grandparents if mum was away and various ad hoc carers. School runs until 7pm anyway so sleeping over makes sense.

Good grief!

OP do you not realise all the fun stuff they get up to in a good boarding school? It's like daily sleep-overs with mates and loads of optional group activites like making dens and crafts/cooking.

Depends on the kid, of course, but most normal/social (not overly shy) kids who WANT to go will enjoy it and do well.

Our 3 went at 9 (going on 10) as that's the normal age to start boarding for prep school.

Some started a year earlier but any later means you will have missed the main intake and friendships will have already formed. (So best to all start together like at uni with freshers week?)

We were living abroad at the time and moving every few yrs so the childrens' schooling and friendships would have been badly disrupted. (And classes small/friendship options limited.) Therefore, we decided it was better for our kids to go back to the UK and get settled into a school/the UK education system ... and hopefully to make lifelong friends. (Which they did.)

Our company paid most of the fees so it was affordable for us. (Otherwise would not have been.) So for us it was a massive perk which we appreciated!

As we were so far from the UK, there was no "day pupil" or "weekly boarder" options for us - it was all of nothing. (And we thought it would be fine.)

It WAS fine but, of course, we were a bit worried when the 1st one went, just in case we had misjudged the situation and in case he was unhappy when we left him there alone.

But it all went perfectly, as there were all the others there for the 1st time with him. (Group experience!) Not like turning up alone where everyone already knows one another.

Mixed sex school. Quite liberal. (Puppies in the dorms. Small dorms with your own corner area/desk, own duvet covers, possible to decorate your desk area, TV and toast/cocoa in in PJs and duvets on the carpetted floor in housemother's flat on Sat nights.)

It was a BIG adventure (Enid Blyton hol style) for them! In fact at one point (having sent the 1st child away who then came home for the hols and told our other 2 how exciting it all was) we were worried DH might be made redundant and that we would no longer get the school fees paid. So we vowed to send the 2nd child anyway, having prepared him to go, even if the fees would be coming our of savings, as he would have been really upset/disappointed if he had been told he wasn't going. (In the end, no need. No redundancy.)

I do think it's important to say that our kids always knew they were going to boarding school ie years before they actually went. So it was seen as normal for them and something to look fwd to.

They also knew other kids who went away and saw them coming back for the hols. (Though other kids went to other schools of course - but it didn't really matter which school it was.)

So it wasn't a case of surprising them one day and them being suddenly being packed off/banished. They were fully aware and prepared and looking fwd to going! (Like going to uni?)

So if you feel the boarding school concept is awful, just don't send your kids there?! But lots of the parents I met whose kids were boarding together with ours, had boarded themselves and had fond memories of it all! (Even at the same school!)

Boarding schools also have longer hols than state schools as there are often lessons on Sat mornings. So that's nice for parents who want do more in the hols/travel with their kids.

Also there is a culture of doing lots of different types of sport and of being very active, with limited TV & reading in bed very much encouraged. All good. So kids are far more active than they might have been at home (with busy parents) and less prone to becoming overweight, esp as meals are at fixed times.

The school house staff need the kids to burn off excess energy before bedtime so running about and playing ourdoors is very much encouraged. And if you start young an continue this, good habits develop?

Of course, not every kid likes team sports or cross-country but you will be outside playing games, roller bladeing etc, and just going to and from the dorms to the canteen and then to various lessons/activities will mean a LOT of walking/running which is good for the kids?

Not to mention the superior music and art facilities. And much more time to fit these things into the school week if kids are not going home every night.

It's just VERY expensive, so not everyone can afford it. But otherwise what's not to like?!

do you not realise all the fun stuff they get up to in a good boarding school? It's like daily sleep-overs with mates and loads of optional group activites like making dens and crafts/cooking

Or it's like Lord of the Flies...and you can't escape your bullies and tormentors.

But lots of the parents I met whose kids were boarding together with ours, had boarded themselves and had fond memories of it all

So parents who had fond memories of boarding sent their kids there.

I have crap memories of boarding. I wouldn't send my DS there.

Do you see how that works?

But otherwise what's not to like

Daily bullying. No escape. No parents being around to tell you it's ok. To be there for you. No one telling you they love you. Parents not being involved in day to day education.

Did I mention the bullying in the evening?

'In a social services run children's facility, you are taken from your home and cared for and educated by people who are being paid to do so because your family either can't or won't. This is considered to be for your own good.'

It is an interesting wait to look at really. Boarding school is for parents who can't or won't look after their own dc it's true.

While local authority care is I daresay far from 'Small dorms with your own corner area/desk, own duvet covers, possible to decorate your desk area, TV and toast/cocoa in in PJs and duvets on the carpetted floor in housemother's flat on Sat nights' you can't get away from the fact it isnt the parents doing the looking after and bringing up. That's the main issue for me regardless of what a fabulous time they are allegedly having

My DC have just started boarding 2 nights a week aged 7. I have always been anti boarding school, or at least, ambivalent, but circumstances have meant this is where we're at - the school are helping me out after a recent move and as a single parent I just can't get to and from work in time for most other childcare. Previously my DC found it very difficult to have an au pair, and having looked around the school, they were giddy at the thought of boarding.

I know it's very different and it's only 2 nights, but I miss them way more than they miss me - can hardly get them to talk to me on the phone! There are a few full boarders at their school who are 8 and from what I can see they have the time of their lives. I really don't think you can judge these things based on anecdotes from 20, 30, 40 years ago.

My hope is that within a year I'll be able to stop the commute and stop the boarding, but I've been astounded at how different it was from how I'd imagined it, and quite how much my DC would be begging me to let them do it.