I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

orlantina my parents were quite liberal in that respect - petty officers children were ok!!

I just think that it is too easy to think everything is ok because the child doesn't complain - yes it may all be fine, character building blah blah but children dont actually know what they are missing out on until it is too late.

DH and I were both adamant that we'd never send them to boarding school; they went to local state school, both ended up in 1st choice unis (not Russell Group or Oxbridge but you know...!) and we have a much more normal, fulfilling relationship than either DH or ever had or ever will have with our parents.

15,16, 17 year olds boarding is totally different. I think I might have enjoyed boarding at this age. Many children are ready for the semi independence of living away from the family home by then. But 8 is so so young.

In my experience, a lot depends on the child's understanding of why they are going to boarding school. The people I know who have struggled most in later life are the ones who either:

a) felt that they were being sent away because their parents didn't like or relate to children and found them a nuisance;
b) were taught that they were being sent to boarding school to become (extremely) successful and they might be a bit unhappy but would be grateful in the future when they were (extremely) successful. They are the ones who have never really been able to shake off the 'success at all costs' mantra - to be, or appear to be, a success is the only thing that matters, and everything else can and must be sacrificed to that.

I'm not sure in either cases that remaining at home and going to a local private school would have particularly changed things for them, because I don't think the message they received from their parents or their school about their own value would have been very different.

Personally, I went to boarding school at 7 because I come from a fairly remote group of islands which don't have a school of their own, so all the children have to board at a school on the mainland.

I am fairly ambivalent about the experience. I understood it as a practical issue and was happy at school, but even coming from a tiny island I could see how cut off the school was from everything and everyone around it, and wilfully so.

Unless we returned to the island, I would not send my child to boarding school, particularly at such a young age. I don't think it is good for a child, or the adult that they will become, that almost their whole experience of life is being so deliberately removed from the rest of society.

For we islanders, it was always a great point of principle to stay engaged, politically and socially, with events off the island. We read and learnt and debated and emphasised. At school we were so not just physically, but psychologically removed from the people and society around us that they were no more real to us than events we read about in history books, an idea of people rather than people themselves - we would see them sometimes if we went to the shops, but they were not us, they never would be us, and we would never be them. For some people, that's fine and they spend their whole lives surrounded by people just like them, but it's not what I want for my child.

It's the right thing to do for those who turn out ok.

You are taking a huge chance then, sending them off, because you can't know until years later which one would adapt successfully.

There are lots of things that 8 or even 11 year olds want to do, but we don't let them do them because we believe it would not be good for them.

I consulted with all of my DCs before putting their names down for all the activities they felt like doing - school band, softball, baseball, art camp, acting camp, Irish dancing, Harry Potter camp, chess camp, ice skating lessons, art club, diving lessons, piano lessons, volunteering to read to small children in the local library on summer mornings... The difference between that and consulting with a child about going to boarding school is that thousands of pounds were not spent and no entrance exams were done, no uniform or gear was bought, and if they decided that actually the trombone was not their thing (Thank goodness! Because it is not actually my thing to listen to someone practice the dratted trombone) they could drop out very easily and with no loss of any kind apart from the matter of at most a couple of hundred $$. No psychological commitment or investment of an emotional kind was made by anyone, there was no guilt about disappointing anyone, and no pain apart from the obvious earache associated with the trombone.

We've had some bad experiences letting our boys roam London. I'd rather have them tucked away in the countryside.

Why are children under 11 roaming London?

I know someone whose kids went to boarding school aged 8. They were sent following her second marriage to a man who is in the army. His children from his first marriage live with them still, (Both have autism and one is disabled). So essentially the kids from
Her first marriage were estranged from
Their biological father, then sent to boarding school, whilst their mum cares for her step children at home.
The reason given was that they have stability whilst the family are on postings-they were in In one place for two years and now in Another for two-neither place dangerous and they live on the base.
I have to admit I have struggled to get my head around sending kids that young, and the emotional impact it must have on them, particularly when the h's children are kept st home (due to disability -but from a kids point of view that might not register). Those postings were fairly long and if it were me my kids would have remained with me no matter what-even if I had to home school, or else I would have remained with them and we would have seen h when he was on leave.
To me living with my kids would always be more important and as pp said I would see it as a chance to have them see the world a bit.
My dad went to boarding school aged 6... he is lovely but hugely repressed and had an awful relationship with his mother...I can't see it as a good thing really.

Sorry but I am roaring at "immersive experience". What a lot of old bollocks.

They are the ones who have never really been able to shake off the 'success at all costs' mantra - to be, or appear to be, a success is the only thing that matters, and everything else can and must be sacrificed to that.
To be fair, ManintheMoon, I know a hell of a lot of people who went to independent day schools who had that mantra shoved down their throats with similar results.

Whilst at Uni a group of us watched The Shawshank Redemption (yes, it was a while ago!)

At the end 3 of our group were in tears- all ex-boarders and all said that they felt like they’d been imprisoned during their childhood

On the other hand I used to read Bunty and was desperate to go and be like one of the Four Marys!!

I asked to board at 7 (lived in a family where boarding was the norm /expectation for generations) didn't go til I was 11. Loved every minute (removed me from vile stepfather at home) but do think there is something in the boarding school syndrome /strategic survival personality stuff - I'm crap at relationships but can cope with all sorts just fine and hate asking for help. /showing weakness. Now I'm a parent I cannot imagine sending my kids away, I miss them enough the times they are at exH's and love being involved in their lives.

Another one here not understanding the benefits of an "immersive experience". So you're constantly with other children - so what? It doesn't in any way mirror adult life, work experience or anything else. You're not immersed in education any more than you would be in a day school. So what other immersive benefits are there?

matropp yy to hating asking for help or showing any weakness. You learn that very quickly. I remember my first term, a whole year younger than the rest of my class.... I used to go and sit under an oak tree and pretend the acorn cups were fairy cups and have tea parties. I was 10 and no one knew where I was or what I was doing for 2 hours after lessons every day.

This always feels to me like a variation of the argument 'why have babies if you put them in daycare five days a week?'

I find 8 also rather young and wouldn't consider it at that age (although I would if older). But I do know people who have chosen boarding at 8 for their children. I'm not privy to the reasons for their choices but they are loving parents and have a loving family so imagine they have good reasons which are none of my business.

I went to boarding school and loved it so would consider it for my children if they seemed suited. I would miss the day to day contact I think which would probably stop me.

Boarding schools are pretty different nowadays with lots of weekends away and terms are rather short.

famousfour

I agree about the variation of the argument of daycare 5 days a week
Strangely enough none of our dc had any childcare and just started school, I didn't agree with it for our kids and wanted to do it myself.
I saw it as outsourcing parenting for those hours a day.
A bit ironic I agreed to dd boarding, but as you can imagine from the no childcare philosophy, it wasn't an easy decision.

gillybeanz I think from what you have said about your daughter's vocation for her subject (dont know what it is) you are one of the few who are doing it for the right reasons. Several of my closest friends are from my boarding school days, and we are all totally agreed that it is damaging in the long term and that we wouldn't/haven't done it to our own children.

The thing is, children don't understand the difference between normal home life and boarding school life, and it is often very much later in life that the issues start to arise, or start to become more important. I have been very surprised by my own feelings which really only started to emerge in the last 5 years or so.

'I saw it as outsourcing parenting for those hours a day.'

But it's perfectly normal for dc to be in childcare during working hours, whether it be nursery, preschool, school etc. It's completely different them being away overnight.

DC's have their friends to sleepover occasionally, if it was very normal to be sleeping in groups away from parents they'd do it every night but they don't. Sleeping out should be a one off novelty and not the norm.

'I was 10 and no one knew where I was or what I was doing for 2 hours after lessons every day.'

Yolo that's so sad, I hope it didn't have lasting adverse effects. You're right though in gillyz case it's very different when it's a specific talent or vocation that the school tutors, but for the majority of parents who choose it as they work abroad or are very busy it seems more of a lifestyle choice for them.

Myrtle in my experience (narrow as it is) boarding school was not generally due to a 'lifestyle' choice for the parents - Implication being they wish to palm off daily care of their child to pursue more interesting activities 😕 For some it may be of course. There are plenty of different motives I'm sure.

Myrtle

I completely agree, but was just emphasising the change in attitude and that sometimes people go against their principles for the greater good.

Yolo

That does sound sad, I agree. I can't imagine how lonely that must have been

This has reminded me off the absolutely awful homesickness that I experienced went I went home to Uni - and I loved uni! I could only come home at Xmas and Easter cos of money. It was crippling and I was nearly 19, had happily chosen to live away from home and actually wanted to be there. Can't imagine being sent away from home at 8 years old. It's a ridiculous thing that English people appear to be able to justify while the rest of the world think it's bonkers...

away to Uni!

I'll never forget a university friend telling me of how he and all the other seven year olds were taken off to look at the football pitches and when he came back all the parents had gone.

I still think about that story quite a lot as it is just so sad. He also said he had no relationship with his sister as they had both boarded from such a young age.

This friend of mine was incredibly cheerful and popular, I'm sure his parents had no idea.

Gillybeanz you asked me upthread if I would let a child with a huge talent board and my answer is no I wouldn't. My parents both boarded too and their emotional repression had been hugely damaging to me (I wasn't sent away). I have one child with SEN for whom the most suitable schools are actually boarding schools. Ain't gonna happen

I wonder if the problem is the type of parent that may be more inclined to send a child away being the problem, not boarding itself. So the theory is that some/many kids that end up boarding had parents that were unaffectionate, repressed, a bit cold etc. Therefore they grew up to feel repressed and rejected but it was always the parents, not the boarding that was the problem. Just another angle to consider.

My parents where excellent parents, loving, supportive, interested in everything I did/do... I boarded and it was a positive and wonderful experience. Did zero damage to my family relationship and we remain a close and supportive and involved family to this day.

thank you for the kindness PPs, yes if my 10 yo had been doing what I did I would have been heartbroken! however I appear to be a reasonably normally functioning adult (apart from a tendency to bottle things up) and the best bit is that DH and I have been together for almost 40 years, and our 21 and 18 yo DDs have a much better relationship than either of us ever did with our parents. so that's all good.

karatekitten I am not sure. For my DB: boarding saved him from our father - my mother should have left him and saved her child, but she didnt. DB is still fucked up about it now. Whereas I was the golden child and I STILL got sent away because DM put the marriage (and following the flag) first rather than the children.

Dad has been dead 21 years; Mum is 87 and increasingly demanding and in poor health. Because she was a good mother by her lights, and I like to think I'm a nice person, I do my best with her - but my god it's hard sometimes when she tells me how much I loved my boarding school. I love some of the people I met there, but as a life experience - nah, I'd rather have the kind of home life my children (both now at uni) have had.

jeez alma your poor friend, that is awful.

My DB and I have a brilliant relationship but I think it is something we have forged since we both became adults. I idolised him, and the pain to me of him not being there at home was awful, as it must have been him for knowing that I was at home and he wasnt. Families are so complicated!

OP be very grateful you have a choice in the matter. The Family Court in England decided my DC with special needs should go to boarding school only slightly older because his father is abusive and they chose to ignore that. My DC hates being away from home. Karma is coming!