I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

[TheVanguardSix]

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

DH went to boarding school age 8.

He's one of the least fucked-up people I know. But he did hate it at 8, there's no way he'd send our children to boarding school that young.

When our 13 year old said she wanted to go to boarding school he had to be convinced by her and the school that it would be right for her.

She loves it - just going into her third year there. She is home every 3-4 weeks for long weekends, she has 3 weeks at home for Christmas, a week in November, Feb and April, and 12 weeks for summer, so I still get plenty of time with her. I miss her, but the fact that she is so happy at school makes it easier to bear her being away.

I think it would have destroyed me to have sent her away at 8.

boarding school does make you independent. I had to do a 4 hour train, train and bus journey by myself at 14 back and too from school at holidays

Having divorced parents who don't live anywhere near each other does that too. I was doing 2-leg unaccompanied flights from age 7, and 4-hour bus/train journeys from 12.

Joy Schaverien writes some really good stuff about boarding school.

Leaving a child with complete strangers is really fucked up. Boarding school makes it acceptable - we would never leave our kids with strangers in any other capacity.

Just because some children turn out ok it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do
The majority of people I'm still in touch with who boarded at my school still have "ishhoos", mainly to do with relationships
We recently had a reunion and 3/4 of us were Day pupils but of the ex boarders who came the majority were divorced. Some day pupils were too but almost ALL of the ex boarders were
So yes, boarders do tend to be more independent- to the extent that in some cases they CANT form attachments .

Just because some children turn out ok it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do

It's the right thing to do for those who turn out ok.

Yes but how much better could they have turned out if they hadn't been sent away by their families?

I don't believe that boarding school helps with independence. I went to boarding school, but when I went to university the other students who had been at day school all their lives didn't seem to be at any disadvantage in terms of dealing with being away from home.

Hoppingfreen, wow talk about psychology 101 there. Slight leap no? 😂😂

I know many many many ex boarders (having been in a large boarding school for 6 years) and I can't think of any who are divorced. Can think of a few day pupils that are...but that must just be a weird anomaly to your theory.

I have to say that being at boarding school did affect my relationship with my parents. My mother was recently expressing doubts about whether my niece would cope with being away from home at university, and I was just gobsmacked that the woman who sent her own children to boarding school at the age of 11 did not realise how absurd that sounded.

Surely young people growing up to be independant depends on the parents and type of school if they board.

At dd school the 6th formers have to do their own washing and even the juniors go out in groups with oder children to do their shopping.

Mine has tried to be independant from 5, could never understand at this age why we wouldn't let her walk to school on her own, as she knew the way.
She can cook, clean, do laundry, manage her own time, shop, travel, all independently. It's her character though, maybe because she has much older siblings and wanted to be grown up from an early age.

Somebody could look at her in years to come and suggest it was because she boarded, but she was like this before any idea of boarding.
We raise/ed our children to work as part of "Team Family" and this continues even though she boards. I can bet my life that our mid week call will include plans she has made to see her siblings, where they are going etc.

Ceto likewise. My parents moved house so that they could send my brother to a particular school as a day boy. My mother told me it was because she couldn't bear to lose him. I took that very personally, as they'd already sent me away at age 10.

My DD is now the same age, and I'm having a difficult year.

I do understand that there are reasons, like needing autism specialist provision, that justify it. But I think that's not the case for many children. I went not for the sake of boarding, but to get the very best academic education that money/scholarship could buy, because I was sooo talented that only the best would do. The glamour of the "pull factors", when parents are looking at these very aspirational establishments, eclipses the small matter of removing the child from their home. They think "excellent pastoral care" and "nurturing setting" in a prospectus are a good enough substitute for being at home, and the biggest downside is that they, the parents, will miss the child. It's a triumph of marketing.

I think my least favourite bit was that parents were told whatever you do, don't let the child know you miss them! Let them know that life is going on just fine without them, and that you as parents are happy. Great idea, because the very best way to soften the blow for a 10 year old who's just had to move out from parents and home is to convince them that no one actually cares! It was bloody barbaric. I hope that at least has changed.

Funny how so many people are so focused on being independent! Is that the most important aspect of raising your kids?

I left home at 18 and became independent in a second because that was the only option. Sink or swim. I did my own laundry and cleaned the house with my family. Learned to cook and wipe my own backside. I didn't need to be sent away at 8 to learn to boil an egg or develop a stiff upper lip. I only started school at 6! Couldn't imagine boarding two years later.

Cannot imagine ever doing this with DD but she is not the kind of child who would thrive in that sort of environment away from family. My mum boarded and she still goes on about it now in her mid 60s. She ended up having a nervous breakdown because she was so unhappy.

True Vanguard, but a few of the posters who mentioned independence had posted much earlier on the thread about the emotional impact.

It's not something that should drive decision making on where an 8, 10, 12 or 14 year old should live.

I struggle to know what to expect from my 10 year old - what a "normal" 10 year old should be able to do by themselves. I guess there is a big range.

There are specific circumstances where i can see them having a role.

If home life is very unsettled for example. Or in the case of very particular educational needs. However, I would be adamant about exhausting all other options in the latter case before sending a child away.

For the vast, vast, vast majority of children, I view it as a poor and fundamentally outdated choice. Because among the most important things you give a child is a safe and settled home life and day to day contact with their immediate family. No amount of facilities or fancy buildings make up for this.

There are many great private day schools out there. In fact we moved to the city we now live in precisely because of the quality and range of its schooling.

I don't think parents of children that board do so for their children to gain independence as you can do this at home.
My comments were really in response to a pp who said that boarders she had known at uni weren't able to do anything for themselves.

Finding the right school for your child is important whatever the type, we certainly weren't swayed by any marketing or being told what to expect as there wasn't any marketing in that respect, as the school speaks for itself. They did say that the most local day students will ask to board as they go through the school, which we have found to be true.
Even the ones who live a mile or so away board eventually as it becomes more practical with the long day. They also don't want to miss out on the fun their friends are having.

There are some circumstance where boarding at 8 is the least shit option to give a stable life - crappy home life (alcoholic parent, parent with MH issues, abuse), living abroad somewhere dangerous, frequently having to move about different countries, needing some kind of specialist provision that isn't available locally (autism, blind) etc

However for most families going away at 8 isn't the optimum choice for the child.

I'm vey pro-boarding school but at 13+ if it is the right decision/school for the child.

They did say that the most local day students will ask to board as they go through the school, which we have found to be true.

This was true at my school. By 6th form almost all day pupils were boarding.

Singing When reading about it or watching these documentaries I found tha bit where both children and parents fake the hardest. The parents cry in secret and so does the child, not to upset eachother. Then the parents convince themseves it is for the best and the child is happy and the child believes the parents are fine without him and that it is for the best.
It is heartbreaking.
And then in time all these feelings get notmalised and nobody remembers the heartache and alll everyone focuses on is the achievements.

Seeing 8 years old go to the bathroom with a toiletry bag knowing that that is their life from now on, seeing them saying goodbye to pets etc is shattering.

I think Alex Renton says he remembers the parents getting a kitten after he left (prob to soften the blow to the younger siblings) and he felt he was being replaced.

thereal

That was true for us, except dd was never homesick. She looks after all those who are, but it's only usually for the first day or so.
Things have changed so much and schools take on board issues that have arisen in the past. I'm not suggesting that it works for everyone or that all schools are great, they aren't in any sector.
There is no convincing that your kids are happy, most parents I speak to monitor it on a termly basis, and if it isn't working out remove their children.
Just from what I read and hear from other parents with recent boarding experience, most of these comments from past boarders are just irrelevant to today's experience.
It doesn't make them less damaging to those who have experienced them and we should and do learn from past mistakes and it doesn't do to be complacent either as parents or school

Read the whole thread with interest. I boarded at 10, was terribly homesick at first but then got used to it. DH at 11, ditto. We both full boarded through to 18. I have loads of ex bs friends, DH has none. I would say I quite enjoyed my experience on the whole (and actually DH and I met at a school dance and have been together ever since, but that's a whole other story!)

BUT BUT BUT. I'm now 56 and its really only in the last 4-5 years that the damage it has done to us both is now apparent. Perhaps this coincides with my mother, now 87, becoming very much more dependent on me. She can't understand how my DDs (21 and 18) are grown up enough to be at uni away from home - but it was OK for me at age 10? DH's relationship with his parents is very remote - maybe because his sister got to stay at home while he boarded?

I'm sure there are reasons/excuses - my DF was in the Navy; DH's parents' only excuse was apparently lack of suitable schools in the area - and the fact that he was known as "naughty DH" throughout his childhood begins to come into it, and his sister always the golden child.

Maybe you have to be the right sort of child to survive unscathed, but how do you know your child is?

I get the impression that those who have bad memories of boarding are those who maybe weren't consulted or didn't want to go.
I think it must be awful if you are just sent without any consultation.
If it is the right situation for your child you don't "send " them and there is no need for excuses.
I suppose it boils down to whether it's the choice of parent or child.

I get the impression that those who have bad memories of boarding are those who maybe weren't consulted or didn't want to go.

Not at all. I wanted to go. But at 11 years' old I had zero comprehension of the impact and effect it would have on my familial relationships and bond.

Sorry Yolo missed your post but I agree with your points. I find it utterly baffling that my DM obsesses about the fact my niece (aged 12) gets the bus home from school. She thinks it's unsafe and worries about her being on her own without either of her parents there. Yet I was boarding when I was a year younger!!

I agree that whether we have bad memories of boarding has nothing to do with whether we wanted to go or not. I was neutral about it - I just accepted that that is what would happen because my brother had gone to boarding school and, in a way, I looked forward to it. I was completely unprepared for what homesickness would be like or the daily struggle of trying to fend completely for myself with no home bolt-hole at the end of the day. And I look back now and recognise that it was completely pointless.