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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

451 replies

TheVanguardSix · 23/09/2017 13:36

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

OP posts:
myfeetarealwayscold · 24/09/2017 09:11

I don't think people who send their kids to boarding schools realise what a weirdly cold and elitist thing others and other countries consider it to be! Where I'm from you don't send your children away whether it's for a good school or your work or whatever. Your children aren't something to be sent away to make your life more convenient, if they cant be with you then you don't take that job or posting! I know lots of military families outside of the UK who wouldn't DREAM of this in a million years. They either all move post to post and take this into consideration with promotion opportunities ( and the kids of officers still get into very good international school paid for) or the serving parent moved around while the family have a base. I know families who's work means moving abroad and who have left the kids in the U.K. ( completely safe countries for them all to be in) while the on-working parent moves with their spouse to the new job location. I mean WTF?! Why have kids at all?? Plus most people who do this - yeah school takes some kids from chaotic families but we aren't prentending that they're the majority - are well off. Well off enough to have other options, pay for help, have more mobility where jobs are concerned. It's just bizarre.

2014newme · 24/09/2017 09:16

My children go to a normal primary but actually they'd love boarding school! Weekly boarding that is. They go to one for holiday club in the hols at the moment

Only1scoop · 24/09/2017 09:17

My DD is 7 and boards occasionally when we are both out of the country.

There is a weekly and full boarder both aged 8. Full boarder goes home every exeat and half term. She has a father who works away.

Both girls are fantastic

It's a wonderful setting and really nurturing.

becotide · 24/09/2017 09:21

Only, why are you both leaving the country when you have a 7 year old daughter? Most people I know wouldn't consider doing something like that.

2014newme · 24/09/2017 09:24

It is selfish definitely. Kids coming 2nd to careers isn't on. At 8 they could easily go with the parents

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 24/09/2017 09:25

"it depends on the child"

No, it really doesn't. If boarding is the "best option" for a NT 8 year old, there is something very wrong in that family.

brasty · 24/09/2017 09:29

It is better than SS care. So yes as an alternative to care, then yes it is good. And there are adults who have posted on this thread who said their boarding school was way better than being with their dysfunctional family.

2014newme · 24/09/2017 09:30

I do know someone whose boarding school was paid for by ss from age 8 as an alternative to foster care.

brasty · 24/09/2017 09:30

Although if it is occasional, then it is fine. It is being used as a form of childcare,

Cupcakey · 24/09/2017 09:34

Oh I couldn't be away from my DD I miss her when she's at school in the day!!! I guess each to their own but it wouldn't even enter our heads as a decision for our family.
Best of luck to your DD's friend I hope she is ok with it. xx

ujerneyson · 24/09/2017 09:44

I absolutely love the idea of partial boarding for children at secondary age. The school my DD was at was originally a boarding school and lots of he kids boarded 2-3 nights a week. I think that would be amazing and a fantastic balance and it's the one reason I'm sorry that she didn't stay there.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 24/09/2017 09:53

I should probably point out that I am not anti-boarding per se. As per my first post on this thread, I'd be supportive of a teenager 13/14 wanting to board on a weekly basis.

The positives of boarding are that it does teach you to be independent. As a teen the lessons in emotional resilience and self-reliance are rather useful. It also teaches some useful life skills.

My school had a laundry room attached to each dorm - from the age of 14 the school laundry would do your bedding and towels for you but you were responsible for everything else; uniform, casual clothes, games kit - including ironing it. Everyone had to take Home Economics up to age 14 and learn how to make some basic dishes, read a recipe, compile a shopping list. We also did a lot of outdoors work, including 'field' first aid.

The laundry skills were the most useful I think - I have a very clear memory of arriving at University at the start of Freshers' Week and being the only person in my entire block who knew how to read clothing care labels and operate the washers and dryers! I also found settling in to Uni life quite easy and also the self-discipline of carrying on studying, as I was used to being at school where a compulsory 2 hour study period was imposed 7 days a week.

The issue for me, is asking kids to board when they are too young to benefit from it.

myfeetarealwayscold · 24/09/2017 10:00

Lazy - I didn't go to boarding school but did arrive at uni able to do my own laundry as my parents had me helping with family laundry from 12 or 13. They also taught me how to cook, do car basics, change a plug, in block a sink etc. Etc. Plenty of working class parents teach their kids to be independent I reckon.
I work with many ex- boarders and for me their over riding quality is an almost breath taking self confidence - whether or not it's justified. They all have a very take charge quality. But depending on the situation - i.e. They don't know WTF they're talking about! - this can be good or bad. They like to 'lead' a lot but there's definitely a lack of empathy there.

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2017 10:02

Sounds like the doing your own washing thing was because it was a girls' boarding school. Something tells me that in the same era you were at school, the boys of Eton would not have been doing as much washing and H.E. as you were, LazyDailyMail!...

LazyDailyMailJournos · 24/09/2017 10:04

Myfeet I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I wasn't trying to suggest that only kids who have been so B/S are able to do their laundry (etc., etc.) - simply that there are some positives to B/S. I am aware that plenty of working class parents teach their children to be independent. My background is W/C; I went to prep and senior school on scholarships.

PommeRouge · 24/09/2017 10:05

There is a growing movement of boarding school survivors who are lobbying to have boarding school recognised as a deeply damaging, occasionally abusive, experience. Alex Renton has written a book about it and runs a FB group etc. review of the book here.

scaryteacher · 24/09/2017 10:05

Myfeet Not all militaries are set up the same way as the UK Armed Forces, and there are differences in how often you get posted. In Belgium, you are never that far from home. In UK, you could be in Scotland with your family home in Cornwall. Have you tried weekly commuting that journey? I find it strange that many kids in Belgium attend the uni nearest home...when do they get to stand on their own two feet?

Bertram HM Forces do have a family life, don't be daft. I have had a family life since being born in the 60s and during that time have been and still am an HM Forces daughter, wife, daughter in law, sister and aunt.

Oldie2017 · 24/09/2017 10:06

I would not ban it. It's within the wide range of ways I want people to be allowed to bring up their children in a free liberal society but I don't think in most cases it is to the benefit of the 8 year old.

I chose work which enabled me not to have to go abroad to work for example. I deliberately did not join the armed forces and things like that. I picked a spouse whose job would not have moved him abroad. Also most people at boarding school with English parents do not have parents whose jobs require boarding school so that's a bit of an outlier as an issue.

BR62Y · 24/09/2017 10:07

Quite common in rich peoples lives. I know someone through work who sent all 3 from the age of 8. I find it odd.

PommeRouge · 24/09/2017 10:07

"Renton’s position is a polemical one. He thinks sending children away to board at seven is, knowingly or unknowingly, an act of psychological cruelty. He thinks the bad stuff – the mental, physical and sexual cruelty that historically proliferated – is enabled by the schools’ collective ethos of ironic detachment and scorn for those who sneak or blub. He thinks public schools are institutionally incapable of facing up to their failings. And he points out that they have long resisted – with success, and thanks to the collaboration of alumni in high places – requests to submit to any serious regulation."

brasty · 24/09/2017 10:14

I know the training school for Norland Nannies used to have babies and toddlers staying there full time for months at a time.

myfeetarealwayscold · 24/09/2017 10:17

Scary teacher - I was actually talking mainly about US military where the distances can be huge. And no I don't think a serving parent should 'commute' from Scotland to Cornwall everYnweek. ( not thatbits that far actually) think the serving spouse should be the one to go and visit and that the remaining parent stay in one place with the children rather than send the kids away. Which is pretty much what every other country do.
Or that a non- working spouse doesn't relocate for whichever job their husband/ wife has leaving their children behind. I would argue that as an adult you'd be much more able to cope with the separation than a child particularly as the choice has been yours in the first place.
This is a British ( English really) thing to do. And look at the kind of adults it produces.

Only1scoop · 24/09/2017 10:21

To answer pp

Because we both fly, and If my shift happens to be overnight and my Dp is away, then it worked out better for her to flexi board overnight.

We are talking about the odd night every few weeks.

Easier than getting my parents who are mid 80's to sort it all out and we've never expected them too.

It's a fun sleep over to her.

So both 'leaving the county' is pretty much the norm to usGrin

roundaboutthetown · 24/09/2017 10:23

It is odd - the majority of people would not want to send their children to boarding school at the age of 8 if they had any choice in the matter. There are a great many ways to affect your children for life and this is certainly one of them. How "damaging" it is depends on what you view as damaging. Clearly those who choose to do this to their children do not view what they do to their children as damage. If they don't acknowledge it will have a profound impact on their children, though, then most other people would probably view the parents as damaged themselves!

CatkinToadflax · 24/09/2017 10:47

DS is a weekly boarder at a specialist residential school where he learns vital skills to hopefully have some level of independent living as an adult. He was bullied horrifically at his mainstream state school but is blissfully happy as a boarder. I know that as a family we've done absolutely the right thing for him.