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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm sorry but boarding school at 8...

451 replies

TheVanguardSix · 23/09/2017 13:36

I just don't get it.
Not in this day and age.
I don't mean to come across as antagonistic but as I watch DD's best friend prepare to leave next year for boarding school at the age of 8, it just feels sad. It's amazing how the dynamics of their friendship have changed already. And I can't help but assume it has to do with her knowing that she's leaving... preparing to board (she will only come back for Christmas/Easter/Summer hols... not even half-term. Her parents will visit her over half-term).
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against boarding school at all even if it's not in our plans. I get why people send their older kids to boarding school. We know lots of our older DC's friends who started boarding school at 11 and 13. But 8... it just seems so young.
There must be something positive about it. Otherwise, why would people choose to send a young child to boarding school?

OP posts:
SingingMySong · 25/09/2017 17:30

gilly same as LazyDailyMailJournos. It was my "choice" too. But a child can't make a fully informed decision on the impact of leaving home so young. The buck stops with the parent.

Also I think yolo's post (and others further up) underline that it's not so much just bad memories but longer term psychological effects. We won't know how relevant our experiences and the Alex Renton book will be to today's boarders for decades.

Holliewantstobehot · 25/09/2017 17:36

I really wanted to go. I'd read all the books and thought it would be great. The reality hit me as my parents car went off down the road. By then it was too late.

therealpippi · 25/09/2017 17:49

I can truly believe that today's schools are very different from these of the past. I would also agree that some kids fare bettee and thrive where others just suffer and struggle.

However, I cannot be convinced that except in special circumstances a child is better off away from the security and bond of the family on a daily basis in his formative years. Like others have said there is pleany of time to be indipendent and on your own. It can be taught gradually rather than thrown at the deep end.

My own family was very emotionally deficient (not abusive) and I am very outgoing and gregarious so I wanted to go to BS (inexistent in my country) and was always happy to go away on holiday. I begged to go. But But But, even three weeks away in this country at 12 proved to be challenging. I loved it, yes and learnt a liot from it but I remember how scary the dorm was, the canteen food, the bullies, etc.

I would have enjoyed it but at a great price. I think.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 25/09/2017 18:05

Oh I was obsessed with Enid Blyton when I was a child. I was convinced I was going to be just like Darrell Rivers and have midnight feasts etc., etc. I remember being very disappointed to find out the French teacher was a bloke rather than "Mam'zelle"... Grin

MarshaBrady · 25/09/2017 18:34

Thinking back there weren't any children who wanted to go at age 12.

Even those that ended up being ok, when homesickness passed. And of course those that always hated it.

That means these days I'm surprised to hear that children do want to leave home for school.

Hollie oh no! That is sad.

TipTopTipTopClop · 25/09/2017 18:43

My now-11 year old is boarding in 2019, and he's excited. If he's unhappy boarding, I would naturally transfer him back to London with us.

My husband and I consider it a major sacrifice that we would send him away to school, we adore him and dote on him really quite a lot. We can't offer him in London what his boarding school does, which is a completely immersive experience.

We've had some bad experiences letting our boys roam London. I'd rather have them tucked away in the countryside.

LaurieMarlow · 25/09/2017 18:50

tiptop but why does a child need a 'completely immersive experience' over a family life? I'm not being goady, genuinely interested in your reasoning.

BertrandRussell · 25/09/2017 19:11

Completely immersive experience sounds awful

And presumably they are in London for all the long private school holidays?

SongforSal · 25/09/2017 19:39

Tiptop

I live in the countryside with my DC's.

After school, DS 12 plays in the woods with his friends. Catches fish, builds dens, rope swings, chops wood, gets utterly filthy. He bike rides through the countryside 'geo-catching'. He comes home to a hot meal, a bath and family time. We help with homework and nurture hobbies.

That's what I call an 'immersive experience'. If London does not suit family life. Move.

A family friend sent her 3 children to boarding school a few years back. She changed, the DC's were at best dismissive/ambivalent and full of distain when they were at home. I am not saying this to be nasty OP, honest. I am aware others who board will enjoy they experience. For me, it's a huge gamble and as crass as this will sound, sending children to boarding school is off-sourcing parenting.

Another parent I knew was adamant she wanted her kids to be privately educated, so she moved home so they could 'Day-Board', which involved coming home most nights, with the option to stay over once or twice a week if there were extra activities.

MarshaBrady · 25/09/2017 19:48

I don't think being at a boarding schools stops all mischief - again remembering what it was like and it was in the country.

Is it really so much better than a great school in London, with clubs, sports, hobbies and home time?

therealpippi · 25/09/2017 20:00

I feel very uneasy with tucking away children. Away from what? Real life?

I went on a tour of Wichester College a while back and I must admit for a bit I was wowed. What's not to like, I thought. But then it became so clear of segregated it is. And it teaches you exactly that, to separate yourself from the rest. And with that I was out.

therealpippi · 25/09/2017 20:05

And plus one can have immersive experiences at any point in life but immersive fam life only for a few years...

It is interesting how the mum's of ex-boarders seem to find the separation of grandchildren hard. It probably opens up a trauma that had been buried with sensible arguments.

Lulalu · 25/09/2017 20:11

Tiptop - Can I ask what you mean by a "totally immersive" experience? Immersive in what? How can any institution be better than home? It's such a gamble because their friends will become their main influence in the teen years - don't you want to know what's going on? What is wrong with growing up in London - it prepares you for life.

therealpippi · 25/09/2017 20:15

I'd have given my right arm to grow up in London!

bertiesgal · 25/09/2017 20:15

We have had a lovely day with DD playing with all of the children in our street. Lots of games and shrieks of laughter on one of our very last summer days.

Towards the end of the day, one of the girls who can be a bit mean at times turned on DD unexpectedly. DD told us straight away and we talked her through it, comforted and cuddled her and tucked her into bed in the house she shares with her parents and siblings.

The thought of 7yo DD being far away from us and trying to put on a brave face actually breaks my heart. Any teacher viewing today would have reported on the fun DD has had all day and night may not have realised that things had gone a little awry at the end.

I loved the simple sweet stability of my family home, a sanctuary from the hustle and bustle (and let's face it-bitchiness) of school life. I strive to recreate this for my own children.

Boarding school at 8 makes no sense to me. Childhood is so short, why expedite the process when neither of you are ready?

As an aside, if DD were amazingly talented at one particular thing or had special needs then that would be different but I can think of no other reason for separating my beautiful, silky haired innocent child from her loving family for at least half the year. She still has baby hair underneath her curls (weeps).

AtomHeart · 25/09/2017 20:16

I guess it makes parenting a whole lot easier. Think of the free time and lack of teenage arguments. Lazy parenting.

therealpippi · 25/09/2017 21:08

Yes but it's all paid back later in life when your child is a bit frosty to you and you can fathom why.

therealpippi · 25/09/2017 21:12

One things I don't understand, like someone mentioned upthread, is how it is ok to separate yourself from your children but not your partner. Surely it'll be more sane to see your husband for half a year rather than your children (for those with those kids of jobs). Surely adults will be more capable to adapt.

Homerschild · 25/09/2017 21:29

Re Qvar's point, would be interested to know if the children who boarded still called their parents Mum and Dad or referred to them by first names? That's what happens to looked after children as a way of disassociation as it feels like you haven't got any parents.

StrawberryMummy90 · 25/09/2017 21:46

That was true for us, except dd was never homesick

No bullying at my dd school, they are one big happy family

gilly Sorry but this is so naive, especially the bullying comment. I could be completely wrong but it sounds as though you are desperately trying to convince yourself that everything is perfect with your daughter being at boarding school when it probably isn't.

orlantina · 25/09/2017 21:46

I guess it makes parenting a whole lot easier. Think of the free time and lack of teenage arguments. Lazy parenting

It can come back to bite you when your DCs are at home - and you don't 'really know them' because you have spent a lot of their teenage life with them not being around - and then they 'kick off'. And you haven't had as much experience of them being upset etc compared to a parent who has had their children around for a long time.

How well do parents who send their DCs off to boarding school really know their children? Regular phone calls and emails still don't always mean you know your children.

yolofish · 25/09/2017 22:00

I think there are various mindsets: family always done boarding, it's the 'done thing'; parents move with work - more stability for the child (questionable IMO); the one exception where I think boarding is perhaps the least worst option is for a child with a special talent, who is driven like gillybeanz dd.

Both my parents boarded - DM at 6 years old and she fucking hated it, but still sent me to same order of nuns - so figure that one out; DF was in India as a child and spent 9 months of the year away from his family. How strange that he was a really fucked up father; DM ran away from home at 18, and Dad became her life. Because he was in the Navy she followed the flag, and so did we until our education became an inconvenience.

I so remember the holidays - a new house every 2 years in a completely different location, no home friends but being made to pal up with children of families of similar ranks, regardless of age or interests. So boarding school became something of a refuge, but when I look at our relationship with our DDs now I think there was a bloody enormous cost to everyone. And it's quite sad really; our parents thought they were doing 'the best they could' but the price was too high.

orlantina · 25/09/2017 22:02

I so remember the holidays - a new house every 2 years in a completely different location, no home friends but being made to pal up with children of families of similar ranks, regardless of age or interests

Oh yes - God forbid an officer's child should socialise with someone from the lower ranks. And hierarchies within the officer's ranks as well.

Remember it well.

gillybeanz · 25/09/2017 22:13

I have just spoken to my dd and she was gushing.
She's having such a great time and is so happy.
The day she received her acceptance letter she danced down our street singing "Ive got a golden ticket" I was so embarrassed. It took a week to get her off the ceiling and it hasn't changed much.
We assess her mental health constantly, and there is no way she would continue if she wasn't as happy.
This thread is so good because even with my confidence in the fit it has made me appreciate that many people have bad experiences and the red flags to look for.
I definitely said no at 8, she still had her teddy.

gillybeanz · 25/09/2017 22:37

Orlantina

That sounds terrible, I'm so sorry Thanks