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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LongWavyHair · 24/09/2017 10:55

I woul walk together with all your children. Take drinks, snack and a ball for the younger children too

😂😂 Yeah won't that be all lovely and full of rainbows? Sure the younger kids will love trailing out at that time when they haven't had their tea. My 4 year old would not be very impressed if I dragged him out for a walk after a long day at school and he's tired and hungry.

Janus · 24/09/2017 11:09

YANBU
Of course a 13 year old can walk 0.6 miles!! However, my only thought is if it's at a local school with probably the vast majority of boys being from that school and all walking together to the football he's probably just worried about not knowing anyone when they all know each other. I would hope though that after a couple of goes there he'd have fit right in and it won't even cross his mind. Can you ask him if this is what's bothering him? If it was I might take him the first time, just to make him feel more comfortable. 13 year olds worry about this sort of thing!

MissEliza · 24/09/2017 11:11

I have three dcs, (9,15 and 18). My boys both play rugby and football. Over the years little ones have had to rush out the door at teatime and stand and watch a sibling play or train sometimes in the cold or rain. It's hectic and time consuming but that's what families do for each other.
On the other hand, I've seen friends of my boys who'd love to play a sport but can't because they don't have a parent willing or able to take them. Sometimes they can only play every other weekend because the other parent isn't willing to take them. It's really sad. Right now we're ferrying the friend of ds2 back and forth to training. The coach is happy to sign him up but needs to meet his parents. Neither parent (divorced) is willing to come. We feel really sorry for him but there's nothing more we can do than give him rides to training.

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 11:12

We were lucky to have our second son make it into oldest sons team , do playing up a level Only two playing football this year Evely. ( youngest son has had health issue so not playing this year) And one plays indoor too. Youngest child is a girl and happily trains in dancing instead , and interestingly, we actually dont stay & watch that as not encouraged! Yet with football they love a few parents to stay if possible to take an interest in training, but you are dead right- it is a juggling act and our kids know we cant always be there. We just try to show support where we can, as im sure op will, while juggling her youngest childrens needs too.

Evelynismyspyname · 24/09/2017 11:14

MrsEliza that's a totally different situation. This 13 yo has been signed up by his father and doesn't want to do a 15 minute walk to get there. His step mother has offered to fetch him. Only his father has abdicated responsibility for the day to day logistics, but there is a very reasonable option of walking 1 mile to get there and being picked up by stepmother if he'd love to play.

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 11:20

can you email the team & ask if anyone else walking he can meet with on the way to training ?

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 11:21

Does he have a team app so he can text the team himself ?

PUGaLUGS · 24/09/2017 11:24

He can walk, it's a bloody mile not a 100.

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 11:26

Actually Evelynismyspyname MrsEliza expains a similar situation where little ones did survive a late dinner and live to tell the tale.

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 11:27

He can walk but why not be kind and support him at first few sessions so he gets to know the team he is walking to

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 11:30

Longwavyhair my daughter had many late nights and is very resilient It is not necessarily a bad thing to break out of your routine for younger children

C8H10N4O2 · 24/09/2017 11:33

why not be kind

To the woman, just for once?

Evelynismyspyname · 24/09/2017 11:46

Of course little ones "survive" a late dinner just as a 13 year old "survive" a 15 minute walk... Nobody is disputing the survivability of either scenario, just the relative levels of inconvenience to different people and who should compromise.

Step mum and two younger kids driving 13 year old both ways is what 13 year old wants but all the inconvenience is born by 3 other people. In this case the 13 yo is refusing to suffer any inconvenience at all in order to attend his activity.

13 year old walks one way, step mother picks up - a bit of compromise and inconvenience on all sides and everyone helps each other. That is what functional, fair families do, not behave as though they are joined at the hip and must go everywhere together, nor allow one member to have everything their way where it inconveniences several others. Give and take doesn't mean one person does all the taking and no giving.

There is no indication the older boy would want his step mum and small siblings to walk with him (sounds like social death) he wants to be driven in rush hour traffic to avoid walking at all. Probably he'd rather she drop him off and come back for him in the car later.

MissEliza · 24/09/2017 11:47

Why not be kind? Exactly.

scaryteacher · 24/09/2017 11:55

MissEliza Having been kind to my own ds, I now regret it at times. Sometimes you just make a rod for your own back, and mine is now 21, and has just started his MA.

Lweji · 24/09/2017 12:01

Of course little ones "survive" a late dinner just as a 13 year old "survive" a 15 minute walk... Nobody is disputing the survivability of either scenario, just the relative levels of inconvenience to different people and who should compromise.

And most people are forgetting the dad.

FinallyHere · 24/09/2017 12:16

Why not be kind? Exactly.

Do people really think that it is kind to raise a child who is not prepared to walk 0.6 miles to football practise? There may be ways of being kind, but DP's unilateral decision to have his partner mollycoddle a 13year old is not the way to go, especially if the DC is not that keen left on his own. Take some time off, to take his 13year old to football practise, so he can decide for himself whether he wants to go, maybe...

The DP appears to have been trying to solve a problem, that he is not around for much of the contact time. Getting the child interested in local football training may indeed be a good idea, but signing up what sounds like a reluctant thirteen year old and dumping the problem of how he is to get there, on the OP's plate with no discussion , lets have a look at where that fits in the kindness scale.

Is he like that much, as a management consultant?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 24/09/2017 12:46

Ok so DSS played for the team last year so knows people. The training used to be on sat morning and he could go every other weekend that he is with us for the whole weekend. We have him every Friday but every other week he goes him sat morning.

This year it's Friday night and as it getting more competitive you have to go. Dh signed him up without really thinking the logistics through.

Dh has taken him and is watching him at a match as I type so he supported.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 12:49

What does the 13 year old son feel about getting himself there ? Ifhe is fine to walk, no prob. if he would like company at first, is this ok for the dad to negotiate maybe working something out? Is a lift ok when raining?

IncyWincyGrownUp · 24/09/2017 13:02

I wouldn't take a thirteen year old that small a distance just because he's a lazy bugger.

If he wants to play he puts the effort in.

Makes me glad I banned all ball sports early on! No football or rugby shenanigans allowed in my family.

InfiniteCurve · 24/09/2017 13:09

DS (17) and DD (22). : 15 minutes down the road? All that fuss for everyone when he can just walk there?

I'm with them.

LongWavyHair · 24/09/2017 13:16

Longwavyhair my daughter had many late nights and is very resilient It is not necessarily a bad thing to break out of your routine for younger children

Thats fair enough but if it can be avoided then great. The op was put in this position by her dh and has said she has purposely not booked her own DS on to anything at that time because it would not be convenient, so I don't think she'd be happy going for nice little walks and packing a picnic and a ball with the little ones to accomodate her dss's hobbies.

midsummabreak · 24/09/2017 13:24

Very flexible Incy. Im sure your adult children will reward you in turn.

RebelRogue · 24/09/2017 13:28

I love how so many posters are so eager to find "solutions" that range from a bit inconvenient to a bit bonkers, none of them aimed at the kid that benefits or the father that booked it all. Nope,no way it should be the woman juggling it all, two kids one of which is 4 and a 70 yo woman.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/09/2017 14:29

Thanks for the update OP in that case I think I'd make him go. I thought he was turning up not knowing anyone. He can definitely walk.

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