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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive DSS.(13) to football training

404 replies

Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:00

DSS.stays with us every Friday night.

I just rearranged my working hours hours so that I can pick him up from the school bus.

Without discussing with me.dh has signed him up for football. The training for which is at 5:30 on a Friday.

I've said that not prepared to take him and he can walk down its less than a mile not at all remote and lots of children who live in our road walk to the venue which the local secondary school.

My reason for not taking him is that it is dinner time for ds7 and DD 4. DS does an after school club and is starving afterwards.

We get home about 4:30 and then I'll need to bundle them all out the door again to drop him off and tbh I can't be bothered.

I've deliberately not signed DS up for activities which aren't straight after school as it's a nightmare.

Dh keeps making comments about it. I said this morning that he's got a bloody cheek signing him up to something and expecting me to do all the running round.

Dh is at work and can't get back due to long commute etc.

I'm now doubting myself.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/09/2017 10:27

Oh come on, it takes literally 5 minutes to drive a mile.

Yes, DH should have talked it through first and yes, DH has a cheek signing DSS up for some thing he won't be there to facilitate but really, you are sounding quite mean-spirited about this.

Noofly · 23/09/2017 10:28

Good Lord, a mile is fine for a 13 year old, even in the rain. Call it a warm up for his football. Wink DS walks that several times a week after swim school volunteering/occasional train home from school etc.

Love51 · 23/09/2017 10:29

It is the fact that DH signed him up without consultation that would piss me off. Even if he were your bio kid, if you are expected to facilitate it, you need to be consulted. My dh has said to me about clubs the kids might like, I've said no, because he hasn't thought through the timings.
However, it's DH who has been a twat, not dss.
I'd probably take him if it's raining or dark. Or get DH to finish early every other Friday to take him.

Re the person who said how would op feel if another woman wouldn't take him? Fine, it is his dad's responsibility.

MsGameandWatching · 23/09/2017 10:29

Without a doubt he will make friends there and want to walk with them. You'll only have to do it a few times but the good will will be remembered.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 10:29

Is this football training for a team that will have matches at the weekend?

What time does your DH get home on a Friday?

NoodleNinja · 23/09/2017 10:30

I would be a bit pissed off too but he's your stepson and if it's only 15 min walk then it's only a few minutes in the car meaning you can push dinner back a few minutes. It's only once a week and you'll probably find he wants to start walking when he makes new friends there who walk too.

Could he not ride a bike there and back if it's so close?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:31

Thing is it's not just 5 minutes. There's loads of traffic a level crossing and a miserable tired hangry 4 year to get in and out the car and then repeat in an hour.

OP posts:
MarieAndHerLittleLamb · 23/09/2017 10:31

YANBU
You just don't make arrangements and then put the responsibility on someone else wo talking to them first.
It's all good to help out but obvioulsy there are other children to think about too.

If it was my own child, they would be walking (and I might pick up). If they are fit and well enough to go run for an hour, they will be well enough to do a mile walk. That would be part of their training Wink
Another possibility is a bike (which is what my own dcs prefer)

JennyHolzersGhost · 23/09/2017 10:33

Well if DSS doesn't want to walk there then he doesn't go - up to him. And if his father wants him to go to this training so desperately he can take responsibility for arranging it.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 10:33

How long would it actually take? Can't the four year old have some fruit or something to tide them over?

It does seem that you don't really want to do it so you will have to tell DH and DSS.

OverOn · 23/09/2017 10:36

So your DP is expecting you to do two lifts on a Friday night when younger DC are all tired at the end of the week, without talking to you about it in advance?

It sounds like he has got a bit too used to you sorting out childcare. What does he do to assist with childcare while you are working? Does he do any drop offs? Any pick-ups? Does he take time off to look after DC if they are ill? Have you sorted all this out without him having to do anything?

Whinesalot · 23/09/2017 10:37

If it's the local school that kids on the street walk to all the time then it is perfectly fine for him to walk there. I'd compromise and say that he can walk there and you'll pick him up.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 23/09/2017 10:38

Why can't DSS walk there and back?

CoffeeCupCake · 23/09/2017 10:38

YANBU. It’s less than a mile on a safe route, he’s 13 and it’s a voluntary, fun activity. I wouldn’t pick him up either, if it involves getting other children in and out of the car (which would probably take longer than the drive itself).

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 10:38

Dss doesn't want to walk?
Then he doesn't go.
Or has Disney df promised the lift already?

TheFaerieQueene · 23/09/2017 10:40

I can't understand why a 13yo can't walk a mile.
My god, I walked 4 miles a day to get to school - mile to train, two trains and another mile from train to school - and reverse on the way home. I didn't ever have a lift and did that from age 11. I didn't finish school 3.45 so it was dark on the way home.

The mile walk would be a good warm up before football!

stopbeingadramallama · 23/09/2017 10:41

If he doesn't want to walk, he doesn't want to go that much.

I would say take him the first time because no one really likes going somewhere new on their own, but after that I'd make him walk.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/09/2017 10:41

I wouldn't even consider giving a 13 year old a lift of a mile.

But on the off chance the walk is a bit dangerous, then I'd suck it up for a few weeks then, when he has made some friends, organise some lift shares.

I think if you get together with someone with kids then you have to take on some sort of parental role with their kids too.

Sparklingbrook · 23/09/2017 10:43

It sounds as if you, DH, and DSS need to sit down and have a talk about it all.

I walked loads as a child too but a bit irrelevant, I would still give a lift if I could to the DC now.

OfficerVanHalen · 23/09/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hippyhippyshake · 23/09/2017 10:44

I think those saying the op is unreasonable have overlooked that she comes home from work early on a Friday specifically to pick dss up from school so she isn't 'mean' at all, just looking at the impact the club would have on the whole family. (Which her dh hasn't) And she has also said she wouldn't book activities for the other dc for the same reason.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 23/09/2017 10:44

Yes so weekend matches are every week. Dh takes him on our weekend but DSS mother won't on her weekend..

I work 2 days a week fairly local. Dh has an hour and a half commute or travels abroad. I do ALL the running around pick ups etc.

My work.days have just changed so I've had to arrange finishing early to pick DSS up. My mum would collect ds of she needed to so I am leaving early just to get DSS.

When DS is 13 DD will be 10 and hopefully not such a miserable brat in the evenings.....

OP posts:
Purplemac · 23/09/2017 10:45

YANBU. 13 year olds are more than capable of walking a mile. At his age I was walking a mile from school just to the bus stop to get home, which meant that it was often dark in the winter after sports clubs, and often raining. It's not exactly torture.

Its a pain in the arse to get all children home from school, fed, organised, out the house, in traffic there and back, then back again to pick him up. I would do it if I had to, but not for the sake of a mile which he can walk by himself. Especially since you've agreed to pick him up.

SandyDenny · 23/09/2017 10:46

If he doesn't want to walk 15 minutes to get there I'd say he doesn't really want to go.

My DC have always had to jump in and out of the car after school so that each could do their activities and in your position I wouldn't have a problem with what you suggest but I'm not you and if it doesn't work for you it doesn't work.

Now they are old enough to get the bus or bike to some things they understand that I can't do everything and if they want to go they get themselves there or back as usually I can do one of the journeys.

AnInchWasPinched · 23/09/2017 10:46

Is it because he doesn't want to walk there because he's unsure of the route and won't know anyone when he gets there? As that, I can understand. Why don't you all walk with him for a month? Then he knows the route, by then he will know some of the others. Probably at 530 it would be quicker to walk than drive anyway. Exercise is worth facilitating at this age, I think.