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Original poster

To say it is not rare for women to have it all

185 replies

Sienna333 · 21/09/2017 20:46

I know quite a few women who are beautiful, in high paying jobs, married with DC'S and living in nice houses. Why then do some people say this is unusual and rare?

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 23/09/2017 10:25

Of course it's rare. Mumsnet has an unusual proportion of wealthy and privileged members. That's fine of course, people make the mistake of thinking this is representative of real life for the vast majority of people. It really isn't.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 23/09/2017 10:25

We don't know what goes on inside someone else's head. We don't know how anyone else feels and if they do or don't "have it all".

thecatfromjapan · 23/09/2017 10:31

But, Sienna, the statistics don't agree with you.

For the majority of people, let alone women, in this country, work is just a job, not a career. And they don't earn that much money.

I think the median wage in this country is something like £30K p/a, or something.

So, just statistically, most women do not have it all. They work, hard, in the home and outside the home but for wages to afford to live, rather than to achieve a meteoric remuneration, to leave a mark on the world, or to quench the existential fires of the soul.

thecatfromjapan · 23/09/2017 10:33

And for the record, I fall below that median income. In my last job, I scored high on personal satisfaction, high on convenience and work-life balance, low on cold, hard cash. So I definitely didn't think I was 'having it all'.

Original poster
Sienna333 · 23/09/2017 10:34

Both the women I know earn more than that wage and coupled with their husbands high wages, they are earning a lot. I don't want to see what careers they do exactly as it may 'out' me but yes, they are well above that average individually and as a couple they far, far exceed that

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 23/09/2017 10:41

Smile It's not always advisable to extrapolate wider reality from one's own experience - as MN so often demonstrates!

graph showing income distribution in the UK

Most people - and I'm including women in this, though I suspect women will be disproportionately represented amongst low-earners, due to caring responsibilities - are at the lower end of the chart.

thecatfromjapan · 23/09/2017 10:43

PS - Do you really only know 2 women?

I can see if you only know 2 women, and they are both high-earners (so a 100% rate of high-earners in your cohort) you might have a skewed idea of reality.

However, you may need to widen your sample group a bit. Smile

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 11:08

In your first post you say "quite a few" women but then it's 2? Confused

TrinityTaylor · 23/09/2017 11:34

I know a woman like that. Then I met 3 people who worked for her, apparently she is a total dragon/crazy person in her high flying job, has a reputation for being awful and is disliked by most of the people in her office. So I think a lot of what I saw was front.

Original poster
Sienna333 · 23/09/2017 12:13

I know 2 in a personal sense but of course there are many others who have the whole package, supportive, high earning DH's, nice clever kids, nice home, close family, great jobs, lots of money, lots of friends etc.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 12:25

And so?

What does it matter? You seem very shallow OP. You also have no idea what is going on in someone else's life beyond the snapshot you see.

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 12:27

What is even the point of this thread in the first place? Who gives a monkeys about 2 random women you know?

Original poster
Sienna333 · 23/09/2017 12:30

Where did I say it was my 'Having it all?' I didn't. It is different for everyone, success. But most say it is marriage, kids, nice home and a good job yet say it is impossible to have 'it all' hence the thread as I know there are people who do have 'it all' by society standards

OP posts:
twobambinos · 23/09/2017 12:34

I had it all according to the op. Until I quit the job that was making me come home in a horrible mood.
To another bunch of people it may look like I have it all now sahm with plenty of free time to spend on myself. I think every one's definition of it all is different and I appreciate that I am very lucky where I'm at at the moment but I have yet to figure out what it all is. There'll always be something more. Money can't buy happiness or health. It can improve it. A marriage to all the world doesnt mean it's a happy one.

ricepolo · 23/09/2017 12:35

Compared to the vast majority of the rest of the world, everyone reading this thread 'has it all'...

Witsender · 23/09/2017 12:39

You do realise that the plural of anecdote isn't data don't you? 😂So you know 2 examples...whoop de whoop.

I always thought the phrase having it all referred to doing a great job at both a high flying career and parenting. That is rare, because both things require time. Which is finite. Nothing to do with being beautiful or whatever else your friends are.

AmberLav · 23/09/2017 12:41

Around where I live, I would say I know quite a few women, including myself, who seem to have a good balance of career and family. I'm in a part of London where the commute is short, but due to the cost of housing, both parents tend to work. Generally we are university educated, so in jobs with decent earnings... it's a nice area to live... is everyone happy? Hard to know. Would we like bigger houses, probably, when I'm shouting at my children, the terrace nature of our houses seems a bit flimsy!

blueshoes · 23/09/2017 12:43

It is easy to be surrounded by women who 'have it all' by OP's definition if you yourself have a high flying job (lots of female colleagues of similar description with job jobs and nice houses) and your children go to private school (lots of wealthy mothers with nice houses and mostly married). Those circles could overlap and bingo, many women who have it all.

This is normal for women in these circles and like women in every class and every circle, some are happy, some are not, some are nice people, and others ogres. Their husbands may adore them or be straying and help out to different degrees at home.

The only difference is that these women are wealthy with the money to maintain appearances. I don't think such women are necessarily hiding some dark secret or deep unhappiness. Some will and some won't.

I don't know why it is necessary to post that we know some 'have-it-all' woman but she is battling ill health. I am sure many women who don't have it all but is also in a similar situation. Having it all is not something that is obtained at a high price. It can be quite normal and unexceptional. I never said this is fair

FlandersRocks · 23/09/2017 12:46

It's impossible to tell whether someone 'has it all'.

There's a woman I work with that just looks to have the perfect life. Beautiful, perfect kids, dh earning a fortune, massive house which is show home perfect, holidays, great friends, you get the picture.

She always looks so together and everything goes wonderfully for her - perfect wedding and honeymoon, conceived straight away, promotions at work. And to top it all she's bloody lovely so you can't even hate her in good conscience Grin

Anyway, I was more than a little envious of her. Then I met her dh. And despite all the fb pics depicting him as a great husband and father, what an absolute pretentious, mysoginistic, spiteful little prick he was. He spoke to her like shit and did nothing 'real' with the family, just all for show stuff. And now I just kind of feel a bit sorry for her.

Oldie2017 · 23/09/2017 12:52

Have it all actrually traditionally has just mean you are a woman and work full time and have children. It never meant gold shoes or expensive handbags or pensions or savings.

If the phrase has moved to meatning you are rich as well that is even worse of people as the green headed monster jealousy will rear her head even further.

If it means what it used to - that women (and men) can work full time whilst having babies then yes they can.

eurochick · 23/09/2017 12:59

I have it all by those standards (apart from beauty, but I scrub up to presentable). Good job, happy marriage, good friends, nice family, big house, etc.

BUT my job is immensely stressful, I'm permanently knackered and feel like I'm failing at everything. I never get to see my lovely friends. I don't get the time I want with my child. I feel guilty for not putting in evenings at work like I used to. No one has it all (whatever that means).

sundayfeeling · 23/09/2017 13:00

Depends on your definition of 'all'
I have a great job, beautiful healthy DCs, great DH, a lovely house, great family a friends. I feel very content and really don't need anything else. So I would say I have it all (all I need).
But someone looking from the outside might not think so (because of my cheap car, the house might not look big enough to them, we don't go on expensive holidays etc...)

Oldie2017 · 23/09/2017 13:05

In a sense it's a phrase designed to make women feel bad (it never seems to be applied to men which makes it very sexist). If you can just look around you and think what you have is fine then you are sorted in life. it is that grass is always greener stuff which is never a route to happiness.

However the bottom line is most parents of small children are exhausted, don't get enough sleep and have a lot of demands on their time. It is a phase. It gets much much easier as children get older.

ticketytock1 · 23/09/2017 13:09

You've described a very good friend of mine op. She works incredibly hard to maintain what she's got. Her DH is amazingly supportive and her family help her with childcare. She is senior management in a global organisation.
I'm middle management for the same company and tick the other boxes. Except I'm fat 😳 again I work very hard to maintain it all, have a super DH and a great support network.
My house is a tip, but I have a cleaner to help. I'm exhausted by Friday and weekends are used for leisure time and a recharge.
It's not as easy as it looks,but I wouldn't change it

Getout21 · 23/09/2017 15:54

I agree with the other pp who thought the phrase "having it all" related to having a very powerful/important position & managing to combine that with actually getting to spend time with your children.

The majority of my friends have good jobs that are part time. Supportive husbands & family, nice houses, clothes, cleaners/nannys, kids in outstanding schools/private. Not one would say they had it all though. IMO it's impossible to juggle all the balls & one invariably gets dropped.