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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say it is not rare for women to have it all

185 replies

Sienna333 · 21/09/2017 20:46

I know quite a few women who are beautiful, in high paying jobs, married with DC'S and living in nice houses. Why then do some people say this is unusual and rare?

OP posts:
Therealslimshady1 · 21/09/2017 21:33

Your list of having it all does not chime with my idea of having it all

Being beautiful never featured in my listGrin

But having an interesting career as well as a good relationship with a nice man and having children, I thought that was meant by "having it all". Being financially independent AND being a great mum. That sort of thing.

I have never thought it was about being beautiful and having money.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/09/2017 21:34

The thing is if the op defines those things as having it all and she knows people who have it al by her own definition then that's fine.

It really does depend on what people think having it all is!

Original poster
Sienna333 · 21/09/2017 21:35

These women I know are in high paying, flexible part time jobs so only need childcare two times a week so get to spend a lot of time with their DCS too

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 21/09/2017 21:36

I agree with others that it's about perception.

Personally I'd HATE to be married, I'm asexual and do not want a relationship of any kind. Sadly some people assume I need/want a partner and am therefore pitied for it (much to my anger)!

As for beauty. I place very little value on being 'beautiful' (which is subjective anyway). In fact it occured to me a short while ago that all the fucking about with hair (dying/colouring/cutting/washing/straightening/drying ...) is so fucking pointless, what for? just so it can look 'nice' - it's just dead cells. So it's gone. I shaved it off and am far happier for it.

As for high paying jobs ... not everyone wants one. Some people are happier doing lower paid jobs for less stress or because they feel they are doing something worthwhile or close to their heart ie teaching/nursing. Money is everything to many people.

As for DCs. Why plural? Why any? I have one and am perfectly happy with just sticking with one. Some people choose to have none and are equally happy with their choice. Why assume that children = having it all?

Nice houses, what do you mean by that? Large? Expensive? Again it's not what everyone strives for. Some are very happy in a small cottage, a flat or bungalow. Some prefer renting and others prefer to buy.

Right now I'm the happiest I've ever been. Mostly because I am so grateful for every little thing I have. It may not be a vast amount to many people but what I have would be envied by millions (if not billions) across the world who lack the basics such as clean water, food, shelter, warmth... to those people almost everyone in the UK 'has it all'.

Oldie2017 · 21/09/2017 21:36

People are just healous. I have always known a lot of us women who have nice families, families, homes etc. Looking back over my family tree recently so very very many of the womeh have worked and had children.

However it suits sexist women and sexist men to perpetuate a myth that women cannot work and have children. The last laugh however is against them as they are the ones who do themselves out of a lovely balanced life and we women who work and have children get it all because others think they cannot have it all.

Valentine2 · 21/09/2017 21:39

I agree with the pp saying why no one talks about men who have it all. It gets me every single time. Why am I the one judged?

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoor · 21/09/2017 21:40

I have only met one out of your 4 criteria and yet I consider myself extremely lucky and would not swap my lot for anyone.

My definition of 'having it all' is living in contentment. I believe satisfaction can be learned, I wasn't always as content as I am now, even when I was much better off financially (and more youthful!!).

iamyourequal · 21/09/2017 21:43

I agree with other posters in that your definition of 'having it all' sounds rather off, actually rather shallow, materialistic and soulless. I would consider having it all as being in a loving relationship, whilst enjoying raising your family and contributing to society a worthwhile and fulfilling role. Sure financial security helps, but rating beauty and big houses is not important.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/09/2017 21:43

Bit of a "merail" I want to know what these high paying part time jobs are, I would very much like one so I could spend more time with my child.

CoyoteCafe · 21/09/2017 21:43

I've only known one woman like that. She was my next door neighbor and a narcissistic bitch. Her husband eventually left.

She was still beautiful, in a high paying job, with children, in a nice house. She had it all, except for a soul. Wink

Original poster
Sienna333 · 21/09/2017 21:44

Sorry PP but that is how society views 'Having it all' it isn't just my view

OP posts:
Thegiantofillinois · 21/09/2017 21:47

I was thinking a bit like this last night when i was having a moan about having to do everything cos dh was late home as his car had broken down. This is what I realised:

I am incredibly, incredibly lucky. House is small but got lovely vibe. We both have jobs (mine is technically a career if i want it to be). We are healthy. Our kids are healthy. We do not need anything. I have a healthy social life.

I suppose I kind of hsve it all, but I've been so busy wishing I had bigger house/ more money, I'd never really realised just how much I do have.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 21/09/2017 21:48

I think that's how people might see me from the outside. It's both how it is from the inside though.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 21/09/2017 21:48

*Not!!

See. I can't even type.

EarlGreyT · 21/09/2017 21:56

That's the point I was trying to make NotanotherNC. As I say, there are only 2 women I know who are-
1. Happily married
2. Kids
3. Beautiful
4. Lots of money
5. Nice house
6. Lots of friends and close to family

But yes, they do exist

I don't think this is having it all.

Are they actually happy? Do they have good relationships with their friends and partners? Are they money rich, but time poor? Are they and their family all healthy? Because without these, the money, looks, job, house etc mean bugger all.

EarlGreyT · 21/09/2017 21:58

It's a bit depressing that the characteristics of "having it all" are being beautiful, married and having children.
Well said purple. It's more than a bit depressing though.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/09/2017 22:09

Plenty of people could tick those boxes on your list but still be living thoroughly miserable lives. It's perfectly possible to be happy with none of those things, just as it's perfectly possible to be happy with one or two or all of them. Happiness is everyone's own barometer; you can't assume a person's happiness level based on pretty faces and incomes, it's naive.

gillybeanz · 21/09/2017 22:11

SemiNormal

Wow! Star Star Star Thanks

tabulahrasa · 21/09/2017 22:16

"Sorry PP but that is how society views 'Having it all' it isn't just my view"

It's not though... having it all means specifically managing to have a career and a happy balanced home life with children.

So if the women you're talking about are working part time they have sacrificed that part of their career and don't 'have it all'

WhyteKnyght · 21/09/2017 22:16

That's not "having it all". That's just basically being a) married with kids and b) earning a decent salary. Of course that's not "unusual and rare". Why would it be? Confused

Original poster
Sienna333 · 21/09/2017 22:16

Earl Grey, Yes to all the above.

This is how society views having it all. Whoever heard of a single 40 something with no kids living in a rented apartment with 1 or 2 friends as having it all? This isn't me by the way, just an example

OP posts:
FlorisApple · 21/09/2017 22:32

I tend to think of the phrase "women who have it all" referring to a woman who works full time and is a mother. It's usually used in the negative, as in "women can't have it all" and it doesn't really relate to happiness, fulfilment or wellbeing as such. Anyway, in this context, you can't really judge by personal experience and who you know; a better picture is gained from statistics. Very generally speaking, about a third of families have both parents working full time. Another third have one parent working part time, and another third have one parent staying-at-home. Women (and their families) tend to move in and out of different employment situations, over their careers, so it's really hard to generalise, but it's useful to get a sense that having two parents both in full time employment is not necessarily the "norm".

honeylulu · 21/09/2017 22:33

I have the things on your list (not beautiful but quite ok looking ... for my age haha). I'm very happy with my lot too. I also agree it's not that unusual. Lots of women I know at or through work (City law firm) are in similar position.

But also agree with PP who say this list isn't desirable to all. I'd say it doesn't appeal to the majority of women. I get loads of pitying/judgy comments about how they don't know how I do it (just do, I thrive on adrenaline) / don't I feel guilty about but seeing more of my children (nope, they get the best of me when I'm here because I also love my job) / don't I wish my husband earned more so I could go part time (no, I'm happy being the main breadwinner).

But envy ... no.

gillybeanz · 21/09/2017 22:34

It sounds like something out of a 1980's Cosmopolitan article.

"How to be a woman who has it all" Grin

It's funny that so much has moved on but this shit is still even considered.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 21/09/2017 22:39

I know loads of women that meet that criteria. They also have husbands that are shagging work colleagues, they are heavily in debt to keep up very expensive appearances, they are suffering fro. Depression, they never get to see their husbands or kids,