Page 6 | To say it is not rare for women to have it all

Sienna333 · 2017-09-21T19:46:17+00:00

I know quite a few women who are beautiful, in high paying jobs, married with DC'S and living in nice houses. Why then do some people say this is unusual and rare?

2014newme · 23/09/2017 07:59

All my friends are like this. Good careers, great husbands who are equal parents, good jobs, nice homes.
I would consider it the norm for middle class people

Ktown · 23/09/2017 08:03

But it is overstating things to say it is a 'massive struggle' or something is missing.
It is called life and it is how you deal with stress that is important.
My solution was to chuck money at childcare and use family.
There is nothing missing and I am not particularly stressed.
I was stressed due to a life event once and working full time and being with a kid is easy by comparison.

Oldie2017 · 23/09/2017 08:05

random, why do the women bear more of the burden at home when married and both work>? Is it because they did not read feminist books ( i did all through my teens and my mother even in the 1950s would not have put up for one day sexism from my father). I would not have married anyone who would not do as much as I did at home. Why do some women tolerate it? Is it because they earn less than them en and are less well educated? Is it because they have been brought up conditioned to think women must take that on?

Surely the first time in the relationship when the man is sexist suggesting the woman washes up say she jokes and say - hang on let us do it together or something?

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 08:16

Give us a bit of credit, you do not need to read feminist books to be in a happy and equal relationship. Common sense anyone?

(not talking about girls born in different cultures even in this country -where women are treated appallingly)

Oldie2017 · 23/09/2017 08:20

Yet many many women accept inequality of domestic tasks at home. I wonder if it's because they want a man at any price so accept the sexist men or because he earns more.

(I agree with you on other cultures too - we have Brethern girls locally in head scarves who don't exactly pursue high flying university studies. We have lots of immigrants - one of highest in the country boroughs in London for that - so my sons will have been at homes where girls serve food to men and don't even sit at the same table!)

pigeondujour · 23/09/2017 08:25

@coddiwomple cracked a funny = said something funny

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 08:30

I wonder if it's because they want a man at any price
reading some of the threads in relationship, I would agree for many cases.

It's sad isn't it, it's these girls who were born in these other cultures we need to try to educate and show they have a future and freedom to become anything they want. No woman should risk her life by making her own choices, especially in this very country.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 23/09/2017 08:37

I have it all.

A supportive husband

A child I adore...he's autistic and fabulously quirky and loving.

A nice comfy house (and its social housing).

A garden in progress....it will always be "in progress".

I think I really do "have it all".

Newtssuitcase · 23/09/2017 08:38

I know lots of people who fall into that definition. However I suspect that few of them regard themselves as 'having it all'.

I do think that we should take the time to appreciate why we have. I have been told by a few people that I "have it all" (which probably means I spend a disproportionate amount of time moaning about how hard everything is). It's only when I stop and think about it though that I realise how lucky we are.

I'm not really sure what the point of the thread is.

paperandpaint · 23/09/2017 08:47

Much easier to "have it all" if your job pays you a six figure salary and you have a partner earning the same. Then you can afford to look beautiful (good skincare, facials, nails done etc), you can afford a cleaner, your house will look great and be organised not only because of said cleaner but because you can afford to do maintenance jobs when they occur and can decorate etc regularly. Therefore when you invite people round there's an air of calm and loveliness. Your childcare is covered as you have a nanny and so you are not racing from work to collect from after school clubs and dispairing when your boss organises a 'twilight' training session.

I live in west London and all of the above is the norm so that people do seem to be able to have it all. Not the same when you are a teacher (earning good money relative to average) but still making do clothes/beauty wise, doing household jobs at home yourself, racing off from work to collect your own kids and flying by the seat of your pants the rest of the time!

Ktown · 23/09/2017 08:52

Paper and paint you are right.
Money is the difference.

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 08:52

However I suspect that few of them regard themselves as 'having it all'.
I do think that we should take the time to appreciate why we have.

so so true

PussCatTheGoldfish · 23/09/2017 08:57

I don't know any who would consider themselves to have it all. From the outside it can look like it though.

Surely with the high flying job, nice house, children, family, husband they have similar issues to the rest of us? Stressed about work, guilt over juggling jobs/children, worrying about parents getting older/health issues/appearance etc.

I don't really think anyone, man or woman, can 'have it all'.

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2017 08:59

Oh OP these amazing women who have it all, and then when someone points out they might not get to see their kids, oh miraculously these amazing high paid jobs are also part time!

Bullshit OP

paperandpaint · 23/09/2017 09:06

They don't have the same stresses over juggling childcare and jobs though as most of them have nannies. Massive difference in childcare stress when you can leave at 7am knowing your morning childcare routine is sorted and then come home in the evening and homework/kids tea etc is sorted and if you have to work late you can usually pay your nanny overtime.

I'm not judging by the way, I'd love a nanny and it would make like far easier. In London however they earn virtually the same as a teacher so not much point!!

Eolian · 23/09/2017 09:24

'Having it all' is an old-fashioned, simplistic concept you'd have found on the front of a 1980s women's magazine and I don't believe society does have a set view of what it means anyway. Women's lives are diverse, their expectations are diverse and their levels of satisfaction or happiness are too. You don't have to look very far to see evidence that being attractive, having a well-paid job and being married with children do not guarantee a perfect life. Even the many wealthy celebrities people admire are abundant proof of that.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 23/09/2017 09:27

I guess on paper I fit this criteria but that's all it is, a list of criteria.

Both our jobs can be stressful and now that our outgoings match our income I sometimes feel trapped in having to stay at this earning level with the associated responsibilities.

We're fortunate to have good jobs, a happy marriage, healthy children and a nice house but don't assume that makes our lives happier or more fulfilling than the next person.

TableMirror · 23/09/2017 09:28

I would say I have it all, but I don't have that.

susannahmoodie · 23/09/2017 09:28

I have all that except I wouldn't say I'm beautiful. But it is quite a narrow definition of success. There's so many other things I want to do to, but can't fit in ATM. Sometimes a fantasise about escaping to a ramshackle both on a remote Scottish island.

However, I'd like to point out that there would Never ever be a thread like this about men.........

BrieAndChilli · 23/09/2017 09:37

I know lots of people who appear to have it all. They have high flying careers are doctors and consultants, lawyers, accountants, company directors etc live in gorgeous houses, have lovely holiday, nice clothes etc etc
BUT
One has just got divorced as her husband had an affair
Another has a son with behavioural problems
Another has to take her daughter out of a school due to bullying
Another has no family around for help and support and is on the verge of mental exhaustion
Several have husbands that do nothing at all and are hardly ever home
Another's husband has lost his job so they are struggling massively

Plenty of people appear to have it all but behind closed doors it's not picture perfect.

In fact the households where I would say everyone is happy are the the ones with a SAHP (including DDs best friend who dad is a SAHP) or one of the parents works very part time.

Original poster

Sienna333 · 23/09/2017 09:49

I am not sure what is difficult to understand. We are always told that it is impossible to have it all that something has to give but I know some women who do have the lot, strong marriage where both do equal amounts of housework and have a cleaner/nanny, both very financially secure and yet still see a lot of the kids, both gorgeous, lots of friends, nice house, close with family....I think what someone said is true, a lot of it is about money. If you have money, you can do the holidays, afford the cleaner and nanny, go on big trips and invest a lot in your appearance.

OP posts:

EarlGreyT · 23/09/2017 10:02

Plenty of people appear to have it all but behind closed doors it's not picture perfect.

^ This.
It's a bit like Facebook isn't it? People only share with you what they wish to and sometimes no one knows what's really going on behind closed doors, but things can be very different to how they appear on the surface.

I think it's impossible for anyone to have it all. If someone seems to have it all, it's just that you're not aware what their struggles are.

RebeccatheOld · 23/09/2017 10:06

what even is this question?

You know its possible to be happy without being married, or having kids right. ffs

Original poster

Sienna333 · 23/09/2017 10:11

That isn't what this thread is about Rebecca. I am talking about the idea that women can't have it all without something 'giving' or suffering when I know very well that women can have it all without that happening. I do believe as well that some people do have easier lives, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I don't think all these women who have it all secretly have a huge struggle in life or are unhappy deep down. Some are just luckier than others.

OP posts:

Oldie2017 · 23/09/2017 10:23

Sienna, the constant talk that women cannot have it all is just to keep women down. Eg lots of people would like women not to try to work full time whilst having children for all kinds of political, sexist and relgious reasons so just ignore it. We have worked and had babies for generations and always will and if others who cannot manage it for whatever reason like to imply it's not possible they are simply wrong. Mind you some men and women can hardly get themselves up and dressed in the morning never mind organise work and home so some of this just comes down to personal competence and efficiency.

The other issue is what can make people happy of course - there are many many ways to live a life. I had a long marriage. I would say I am happier single or if I have a boyfriend not moving him in as I have had my children and it feels a lot nicer and easier not having that person living here but that would not hav been my view at an earlier stage of my life so people do change. Ditto money - some people want a lot at some life stages and not at others.

I always put my health first actually. I have it all because I am just about never ill nor mentally ill. I am one of the luckiest people on the planet because of that. Mind even that we can see the corelation between high income and health in the statistics.

On the other hand people are jealouse so if a teacher lives where everyone is rich they will tend not to be happyo. Living right out here in zone 5 cheek by jowel with a lto of people who earn a lot less than I do tends to make me feel very fortunate indeed. So perhaps the answer is never live next to hedge funders or else spend more time in church to realise jealousy is a sin and never makes you happy.