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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say it is not rare for women to have it all

185 replies

Sienna333 · 21/09/2017 20:46

I know quite a few women who are beautiful, in high paying jobs, married with DC'S and living in nice houses. Why then do some people say this is unusual and rare?

OP posts:
Ionarocks · 22/09/2017 06:03

I thought having it all meant having a fulfilling career whilst also being able to spend quality time with your family. This is usually very difficult which means having it all can be very hard for women.

For example my career is very demanding so if I did it full time I wouldn't see my dc as much as I would like. Therefore when my ds was born I had to make a choice - continue with career and compromise family time, work part time and miss out on promotions, etc and also not be there for everything I would like for my ds or give up career, rely on dh for money but be there fulltime for ds.

To me it doesn't have so much to do with nice house, being beautiful and these are really connected to having money.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/09/2017 06:40

depends what your all is though.

Camomila · 22/09/2017 07:21

Most older (than me, so mid 30s to 40s) women i know have it all by those standards - DH/DP, children, career, nice house.

Most women my age (29) have between half and none of those things (unless they had wealthy parents) Its def been noticible harder to be 'grown ups' IME for us that graduated after the 2008 financial crises.

Oldie2017 · 22/09/2017 07:26

It's a phrase which has always been used to beat women with. Has anyone ever seen it used about their husband or a man - that he has it all? Men who work and have wives who work and there are children "have it all" as do women.

It tends to be someone sexist who uses the phrase. It is also used to suggest women should stay in kitchens whilst men are out there earning the pennies.
I have spent loads of lovely time with mym 5 children over the years and also worked full time. It combines very well. Life whether you are at home or work and whether you are male or female with very small chidlren is always very very hard - that is the nature of small children but it is not really related to work.

If the thread is about can men as well as women have a lot of money and look good ... well if we had the answer to that human cloning and the magic money tree it would be a different matter.

I agree with Cam above that we are currently in a difficult pay free period since the credit crunch which has until now been combined wit house price increases in Southern cities (not the NE where I am from) so it has got harder to buy a house but it is certainly no harder than in the past - none of my family could afford to buy if you go back to the old days. It was rent all the way.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/09/2017 07:32

I've met a few women like this, but they don't have it all either. It's extremely unlikely to have a high flying career, a very stable marriage and spend lots of quality time with your children - there aren't enough hours in the day to dedicate to all of those things and make them as good as they could possibly be. That's the whole point. We have just bought our first house - we don't have much money, I work a very part time flexible job as we can't afford childcare for the kids, and I have my one tiny business which has been properly neglected since I got pregnant. I can't do it all, that's for sure, and I'm definitely lacking in the health department. Sure life would be easier if we were rich but beyond that the only thing I'd change is my health.

Original poster
Sienna333 · 22/09/2017 07:32

Of course it is harder to buy property now? Look at how the prices have leaped over the years, it is ridiculous now.

OP posts:
Temporaryanonymity · 22/09/2017 07:41

I think I do.

I am a lone parent with sufficient income to support my two children. I live in a perfectly adequate house for our needs. My job is challenging and rewarding with a great company.

I have a wide circle of friends and a relationship with a man that suits us both. I also have access to child care when I want it.

I would say I am lucky but luck hasn't played a part. I made some difficult choices (divorce, moving 150 miles to be near family) to ensure I was able to financially support my children. I also studied part time for five years to get the post grad quals I needed to increase my earning power.

Thats what having it all means to me.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2017 21:33

op what are the high paying flexible jobs?

ILoveDolly · 22/09/2017 21:38

There's a lot of those women here but most of them are very tired and often complain about their well paid jobs or lack of time with dc etc. Everyone has their own struggles.
I'm not one, btw. My career went tits up years ago and I enjoy being a lazy sahm/mlmbot or whatever terrible box you'd like to put me in.

Original poster
Sienna333 · 22/09/2017 22:27

Self employed fitness instructors for a start and directors of companies who are able to work their hours around childcare and work from home a lot

OP posts:
Cantseethewoods · 23/09/2017 01:08

Ok, well I wouldn't describe fitness instructors as highly paid necessarily, unless you're talking Tracey Anderson. Re company director, ( by which I assume you mean owner), surely it depends on the business? There's a fair amount of space between being Sandra Lerner and doing some freelance copywriting or whatever. I guess what I'm saying is that owning your own business doesn't necessarily give you either high earnings or flexibility

GrockleBocs · 23/09/2017 01:18

Statistically there must be some women living the dream at the extreme end of the curve. And you know them.
Marvellous.

thegreenlight · 23/09/2017 06:55

I always thought 'having it all' was a sarcastic phrase aimed at women (never heard a man described as having it all) To 'have it all' to the outside world a woman must do it all so it's a poisoned chalice!

Ktown · 23/09/2017 06:59

Plenty of women who work in the city have kids and good jobs.
It isn't uncommon at all.
I have now moved to the countryside and it is less common, but not so much.
I think working hard is healthy for everyone.
Emotionally intelligent women tend to be able to find a supportive partner and this helps a lot.

KERALA1 · 23/09/2017 07:09

Follow "the man who has it all" on fb. Very funny - applies all these wanky sexist terms to men

"While I'm not opposed to a gentleman doctor it just doesn't seem right, you know?".

"Today's debate - can working men be good fathers? What effect does their insistence on continuing their careers have on their children?"

IrritatedUser1960 · 23/09/2017 07:09

I have some friends in that position but there is always something missing in their lives.
But again define having it all. I have it all but it certainly doesn't fit that description. I have my cottage in the country, lovely job, medium salary, no DH, great friends and one grown up child. That is my having it all Smile
My high flying friends are variously exhausted and unhappy.

MrsMHasIt · 23/09/2017 07:12

YABU no one has it all.

Nice goady thread idea op, but lacking in substance.

4/10 must try harder.

barefoofdoctor · 23/09/2017 07:12

I know quite a few women who are average looking have children, nice houses etc and have married lawyers. They have 'normal' paying jobs and all the usual stresses of wrap around care, children into nursery while tiny babies, and so on.

I am chronically ill, on benefits (boo hiss me!) certainly not wealthy, tiny house (decent garden which is the bit which matters to me), 'wilful' child (to say the least) and am a lone parent. I consider myself to 'have it all' as I've never been happier (used to be self employed and plenty of disposable income no children).

Lweji · 23/09/2017 07:16

and work from home a lot

I'd rather work in the office. Children are a nuisance when we're trying to work.
It's commuting that's the problem.

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 07:20

what a very weird thread, most of the women I know could fit in your list, is that really "having it all"?

  1. Happily married
  2. Kids
  3. Beautiful
  4. Lots of money
  5. Nice house
  6. Lots of friends and close to family

I suppose I could fit in there too if you remove 3, I am ok, but will never be stopped by a model agency.
You never know what goes on behind close doors, I don't know anyone who is complaining about an unhappy marriage. I do know a few who are very happily married now, but with their 2nd husband Does that count?
My friends tend to be quite sporty, and most of them are I think beautiful, but they are fit because they enjoy it. Some people watch tv, they exercise, but technically they put effort into it, earn enough money to have time nice hair, well fitted clothes, occasional beauty treatments.

I strongly admire the ones who work shifts (nurses, police) and still have the stamina to exercise and take care of themselves as well as everything else. They are not really in the "lots of money" category unfortunately.

pigeondujour · 23/09/2017 07:44

Any of these beautiful mates of yours who have it all ever cracked a funny?

thecatfromjapan · 23/09/2017 07:52

OP, your grasp of maths (esp statistics) isn't so great.

You have a list of features, some of which are statistically rare, then you say that women who possess all of these features aren't rare.

My head is exploding with the lack of logic.

I know it's kind of a clickbait thread and I usually avoid those because ... life's too short but ...

... aaaagggghhhh!!!! It's a crime against logic. And it hurts.

coddiwomple · 23/09/2017 07:55

Any of these beautiful mates of yours who have it all ever cracked a funny?

I don't even know what that sentence means

ceeveebee · 23/09/2017 07:57

Well, aside from the beautiful bit (which I may well have been a few years ago but not any more) I have a very highly paid job, two gorgeous kids, happy marriage and lovely house. But I am far from happy, my life is a chaotic stressful mess!

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 23/09/2017 07:58

I know a few women with successful careers and a family including myself. But most, including myself, find it a massive struggle, and carry more of the family burden than the average working father. I am a single mother for instance so it is just me. I know no women like who you mention. I thought I knew one once, perfect family, massive house, beautiful, good job - turned out her husband was abusing her and police and social services got involved. No one is perfect, and I know none who has it all.

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