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AIBU?

That DP will miss his son's first Christmas :(

139 replies

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:40

I have to be a little vague, sorry.

Our second Christmas together, first with child.

DP and I moved far away geographically from my family but very close to his. DS will be under a year and Christmas will be his first one. My family have seen DS twice. We agreed last year that DP and I would have that Christmas at his family's house, this year at mine. Only now, DP can't get the time off work; he's only allowed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, not anymore, as his job is really busy this time of year. Things with my family are very strained right now as they miss myself and DS very much, and if I don't follow through on the promise I made them, they'll be livid, plus I miss my sister terribly and want to be with her for Christmas, and my niece. He made this agreement before his work said he couldn't have it off (last Christmas). On the other hand, I don't want DP to miss his son's first Christmas. AIBU to go to my family as DP promised, even if he can't come? We just assumed he could but he can't

OP posts:

Report

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/09/2017 18:43

Is there a middle ground. Could you and ds travel to see your family o Boxing Day for example.

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 18:44

If your situations were reversed, what would you want him to do?

Honestly, in your situation I would prioritize my dp. Then go and visit your family on Boxing Day and stay a few days.

Jenijena · 21/09/2017 18:44

I know your situation is difficult. But I think yabu, if it's important to DP. When you live with someone and have a child, they are your immediate family, the keep-together-at-all-costs unit. If you return home to your family because essentially they're throwing the guilt trip on you, you're saying they're more important than DP.
If on the other hand he's not that bothered, you can celebrate Christmas a different day (truly they don't know or care at that age) and he'll be happy with you going away, you may want to go.

Can your family go to you? I think it's always easier if you can avoid travelling 200 miles with a young baby if you're able to.

JassyRadlett · 21/09/2017 18:45

Frankly, if you explained the situation to your family and they are angry with you rather than sympathetic and saying they totally understand you wanting to spend Christmas together, then I'm not sure they're worth your time full stop.

ShinyShits · 21/09/2017 18:47

Sorry I think you are being very mean to your DP.

Your family will be 'livid'? Well if they can't understand, even though they might be disappointed, then fuck them.
You, your DP and DC come first.

Sashkin · 21/09/2017 18:47

Go down on Christmas Eve, come back Christmas Day? You could go earlier or stay longer if you want to.

Or are your family more than a day's travel away?

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:47

DP cares, as do I, Im just trying to salvage a difficult relationship

They 100% will give me a hell of a lot of grief over this.

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/09/2017 18:47

I don't like the sound of 'livid' - maybe they could travel to you if they're so desperate to see you?

I would have Christmas at home - your DP and baby are your family now. Go to your parents' house as a group when your partner can get time off work.

Tilapia · 21/09/2017 18:47

Agree with previous posters. Assuming your DP wants to see his son on Xmas day, I think that's more important than your family. But if DP doesn't mind (given that DS will be too young to realise) then YANBU.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 18:48

DP and DS are your immediate family now. If you prioritise your family over them you are being unreasonable.

Put it this way, if you were the one who was unable to get time off and your DP said he was going to his family for Christmas and taking DS with him would you be happy with that?

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:48

Two days travel really, can't go any faster with DS

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PurpleDaisies · 21/09/2017 18:48

Families who are "livid" over Christmas arrangements not going their way need to grow up.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/09/2017 18:48

It sounds as though there will be quite a few people at your mum's this Christmas - it's not as though you're leaving her on her own with a ready meal, is it?

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:49

It's a whole 'choosing his family for Christmas over them'- that's the only way they'll see it

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Sashkin · 21/09/2017 18:49

Or can DP get time off over New Year instead and go down then? I'm a doctor and usually have to work either Christmas or New Year, when I'm working Christmas we just have fake Christmas a week later. Your DS won't know the difference.

Dawnedlightly · 21/09/2017 18:49

Why can't they come to you?

PotteringAlong · 21/09/2017 18:49

Why can't they come to you for Christmas? And 2 days travel?! How far away are they? Some Pacific island?

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 18:50

And if a poster posted that they had to work over Christmas and their partner was taking their baby to the ILs they would be told to LTB because this is just the beginning of a situation where the ILs will always take priority.

You need to set those boundaries now. If they're livid, tough.

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:50

@Dawnedlightly money mainly, not enough for my grandparents, parents, sister, her partner, daughter etc

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Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:51

They don't take priority over my DP, they honestly don't, I have always put DP over them.

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Tazerface · 21/09/2017 18:52

This is a ridiculous situation.

Your DP should be your priority for spending Christmas together now that you have a child. And I agree with @ShinyShits - if your family kick off then I'm not sure why you are so keen to spend time with them.

Call them, now, and explain that due to work circumstance you can't come down till Boxing Day. Or, maybe that you'll come for new year instead?

I think you would be very unreasonable to leave your DP alone for xmas as I'm assuming for some reason he can't drive back and then you get a train later?

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 18:52

They do if you're prepared to take his child to theirs at Christmas because of their attitude. Honestly you need to put your foot down now.

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Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:52

@PotteringAlong No, I just can't fly so trains, buses etc will take a 16 hour journey (roughly) that I can't do with DS in one day.

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PuppyMonkey · 21/09/2017 18:52

They'd be livid at you prioritising your DP over them?

They don't sound very nice TBH.

PurpleDaisies · 21/09/2017 18:52

And if a poster posted that they had to work over Christmas and their partner was taking their baby to the ILs they would be told to LTB because this is just the beginning of a situation where the ILs will always take priority.

I don't think that would automatically be the case.

What's objectionable here it the behaviour of the in laws in being so insistent that the op goes there.

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