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AIBU?

That DP will miss his son's first Christmas :(

139 replies

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:40

I have to be a little vague, sorry.

Our second Christmas together, first with child.

DP and I moved far away geographically from my family but very close to his. DS will be under a year and Christmas will be his first one. My family have seen DS twice. We agreed last year that DP and I would have that Christmas at his family's house, this year at mine. Only now, DP can't get the time off work; he's only allowed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, not anymore, as his job is really busy this time of year. Things with my family are very strained right now as they miss myself and DS very much, and if I don't follow through on the promise I made them, they'll be livid, plus I miss my sister terribly and want to be with her for Christmas, and my niece. He made this agreement before his work said he couldn't have it off (last Christmas). On the other hand, I don't want DP to miss his son's first Christmas. AIBU to go to my family as DP promised, even if he can't come? We just assumed he could but he can't

OP posts:

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FrancisCrawford · 21/09/2017 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadTasteFlump · 21/09/2017 19:19

Well I was going to say you should prioritise your family at times like Christmas - as in you, DP & your DC. And that it's not fair for your family to expect you to travel all that way in December, on your own, with a baby.

But now I'm wondering what you mean by 'they don't like him because of how he is with me'...

Horriblehistories · 21/09/2017 19:19

Thanks for answering.

Ordinarily I'd say you should spend Christmas with your dp and baby. But I worry for you that you've moved far away from your family and are now isolated.

2014newme · 21/09/2017 19:19

He can see his son on Xmas day but you are prioritise seeing your family instead. How shit for your dp.

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 19:20

Sorry OP it sounds really tough on you But I still think you should spend Christmas Day with your dp then travel to them afterwards.

MummytoCSJH · 21/09/2017 19:20

I'll get shit for this because I completely disagree with the other posters, but my family will always come first over any partner. 100%. I would say especially in this case since you compromised and moved near his and saw his last year! He can't expect you to never see your family and for them not to see your son. They miss you, understandably. It's not guilt tripping when they really want to see you and the insinuation that they're crappy because they want to see you is ridiculous. Your son won't remember not being with his dad for Christmas and many children don't see both parents for Christmas, or see them on other days if parents aren't together. Whatever you decide to do, think about whether you want your partner to always get his way in the future because if you're not firm he will manipulate/guilt trip you until he does.

BadTasteFlump · 21/09/2017 19:21

But that aside, if your parents are the types who will throw a strop because you don't spend one Christmas with them, you can run around in circles to keep them happy for Christmas and they'll probably then just throw another strop about Easter - or something.

Nikephorus · 21/09/2017 19:21

They don't like him because he's very upfront and has told them, rather brutally, what he thinks and has upset them in the past.
So basically he doesn't put up with their emotional blackmail and tells them so? Sounds like a keeper to me & definitely deserving of prioritising this Christmas. Tell them that it's your DS's first Christmas and you want him to spend it with his DDad (that way it's DS's fault and they can't (reasonably) complain!!)

Horriblehistories · 21/09/2017 19:21

I'm worried that there is a backstory and people are now going to push op further away from her family.

I hope you are ok op.

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:23

@BadTasteFlump I mean they're dislike with him is NOT to do with how he treats me. Sorry if it came across the other way. @Horriblehistories I am isolated to an extent, yes.

OP posts:

2014newme · 21/09/2017 19:23

Her family is her dp and son! She can go on the board let's 16 hour journey before or after Xmas or at new year should she wish to. I personally would not do that trip with a baby and could ot give a fig who is livid!

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 19:23

Badtaste you've misread. OP says " they don't not like him because of how he is with me"

Sounds like he challenged them and they didn't like it. I'm wondering whether they might not be slightly toxic.

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:23

@BadTasteFlump second Christmas in a row

OP posts:

BadTasteFlump · 21/09/2017 19:24

But mummy what about the OP's family manipulating/guilt tripping her?

IMO when you live with somebody and have DC, they are your family, not just a 'partner'.

CoyoteCafe · 21/09/2017 19:24

I'm with everyone else. Your DH and your child are your immediately family, and you need to all be together for the holiday. Take a trip with the baby to see them at another time.

When your parents kick up, the line you need is, "I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is what I've decided to do." You don't need their permission or blessing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 19:29

How far is it to drive? Could they pick you up part way and would that be faster?

BadTasteFlump · 21/09/2017 19:30

Oh ok, sorry, misread that. So I definitely think you prioritise being with your own family - ie DP and DC. If he can't get away at Christmas, then you stay with him. No decent parent would expect their daughter to do what they're asking! And the fact that it's two Christmasses in a row is irrelevant, you didn't plan it that way, it's just bad luck.

Personally I think once you have DC it's perfectly reasonable to stay put at Christmas and have people come to you if you/they would like to. But that's probably just me...

OP stand your ground on this one and hopefully it will sow the seed that throwing tantrums won't get them anywhere...

Notonthestairs · 21/09/2017 19:31

Are you on maternity leave? Can you go to your family for the week before Christmas (the best bit in my view) and then travel back for Christmas Eve?
If you start now spreading out Christmas fun then it makes it easier as the years roll on (if you are still alternating Christmas).

27Feb · 21/09/2017 19:32

Stay. Sixteen hours on a bus with a baby sounds like complete hell, both for you and, frankly, for the other passengers on the bus. Christmas is definitely family time and that means you, DP and baby.

Apologise to your family and say your DP couldn't get the time off and arrange a nice long visit at some other point.

redsquirrel2 · 21/09/2017 19:33

I'm going to wave a lone flag here and say - go to your family. That arrangement was made first, you shouldn't break it. Your baby won't even know it's Christmas. You can have Christmas together next year when your baby will know more about what's going on.

Maplestaple · 21/09/2017 19:33

Fuck that, I think you would be totally out of order going to your family. Imagine how you would feel if it was the other way around.

differentlife · 21/09/2017 19:34

We agreed last year that DP and I would have that Christmas at his family's house, this year at mine.

You made an agreement. Now your DH is breaking it.

It sounds like your family are destined NEVER to spend Xmas with their GC, because your DH will always be working. If you are living with your IL's all year then surely you can see why your family would feel pushed out of your life? Your IL's see your son all year round. It is time your family got to know him.

It sounds like your DH has planned it this way, to deprive your family of the joy of a GC and punish them. Do you feel isolated yet?

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pandarific · 21/09/2017 19:40

Am I right in thinking that you're Irish op (you said 'myself and ds'), and the 16 hr public transport is the train/ferry combo over? I've done that a few times - it's cheap, but pretty hellish especially around xmas time as the train, even if you book seats, is rammed with people standing in the aisles at festive times. You likely won't be able to get out of your seat to change the baby if you need to until you're into wales.

Also, I have been on that train trying to catch one of the last ferries over for xmas, and there were awful floods that meant we were delayed - the stress was horrific because we didn't know if the ferry would wait or if we'd all be stuck at Holyhead.

There is a big fuss made by some Irish families about their adult children coming 'home' from abroad for Christmas - highly emotional programmes about surprise visits from sons in oz, the lot - I think people get caught up in it.

I think you should tell them no, sadly you can't this year because of dps job, and let them moan if they want to but it's out of your hands; your reason is a good one and it's the truth. Stand by that.

If you want to, could dp arrange some time off for New Years?

OnionKnight · 21/09/2017 19:42

It sounds like your DH has planned it this way, to deprive your family of the joy of a GC and punish them. Do you feel isolated yet?

Are you on drugs?

FrancisCrawford · 21/09/2017 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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